Ok have been going thru the ups and downs for 2 weeks found out about EA Monday positive.Confirmed it tonight with the OM he says he is going to end it.I don't believe it but it out there now. I have confronted Wife and left home to recenter. I am returning tomorrow.For good till she leaves or kicks me out some how or serves me with divorce papers that make me leave. I have been reading for a while spent a week re affirming little things to her but I was not aware of the EA for sure.

She has 2 older children we have been married for 4 yrs. I have 2 younger children.All of them must be protected. Older children have not gotten a very strong emotional tie to me. My children I have to be mindful of. I want to save the marriage and I am sure she has doubts. I had the speech already from her 11 days ago.But it was the space talk and she keeps telling me she doesn't know what to do she just has to think and I am pushing her farther away the more I push. She has not told her children to my knowledge I believe she has been hiding it, I believe they will support her I hope they would,

I know it is time for her family to learn of the separation as she calls it I call it a pause. The D word has not been said.

OK I am at that crucial moment so I will add more details in next post I need to know if I should post on my Facebook Fighting for my wife in my statues that will alert everyone.

Also should I contact her family Mother or Brother I have a little bit of connect to him family religion doesn't approve of our marriage but they do believe in marriage and the everlasting commitment just a note and explain to them I need or she needs guidance from those that love her the most and let the chips fall where they may.

I already feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. She wont engage in conversation with me at all she just runs and is talking to a few select friends at this point whom I would believe are only advising her in what makes her feel good.

I also must say I have never seen a woman that recovered from this or even wanted to but I love my wife I will fight I have made mistakes but we have nothing that cant be fixed help with these question would be great. Read next post for background this is a emergency.

I will read please answer soon.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. The first thing you can do is go home. Leaving is about the worst thing you can do if you want to save your marriage.

The next thing you can do is expose the affair wide and far to everyone. Is the OM married? If so, then his wife should be informed of the affair.

Please read the link in my signature about how to expose.

Welcome to MB...

Question:

Two older children are hers
Two younger children are yours

Are the two younger ones HERS too????

Were either you or her married prior to this marriage??


I've got other questions but I think you are working on your next post with more information.

It's a little late in the evening here in the US (where most of us reside) so if you don't get many responses tonight you can read the following thread for a general idea of things you can do in your situation For Newly Betrayed Spouses

Mr. Wondering

Older hers
Younger mine

Yes we where

She was from a abusive marriage.

Not sure if OM is married or not he says he is recently divorced and didn't realize she was married met her at the bar she waitresses at I know that will have to go away.Anyway mixed message he was forthcoming with his name and business name. My only proof is her actions and when they began plus approx 200 plus text messages on the billing no details but she was did erase them so I a confident there is more to it and I am sure he knew she was married, don't think she thought I would have the nuts to confront him) at all time day and night. He says they are friends she says she would never cross the line. But I am not sure now.I need to know how to expose to her family very delicate since I only have a very small amount of proof.

I would quietly find out if he is married. Look him up on facebook, intelius.com, peoplefinder.com. He is not going away this easy.

And you really should go home. Leaving just creates more problems.

How did her last marriage end? Did you know her when she was married?

Did you hear this from her, or her ex-husband?

Were either of you still married when you began your romantic relationship? How did you meet?

Checking to see if he is married not sure. Went home last night when I realized that was where I needed to be. Big Argument had to leave or police and restraining order would have been gotten. She is some how afraid of me now but 2 weeks ago she was fine with me staying in the house. I think EA went to a PA not sure just thought.I am not a abuser what so ever I have been married before and my ex wife hated my guts but she even said she was never afraid of me.

Anyway went back to my brothers place. text ed her this morning with a simple do you want a divorce and of course we all know what she said. I don't care and then we text ed for a bit then it was and emotional I don't think I can even get past this. So I am going to be out of the house she said she didn't want me back at the house if I needed to get things we could make arrangement's and she would have someone with her. I am going to check but I think in Oklahoma she can not keep me out during a divorce its my home also. Address is on my DL.

We met dancing one night online dating site went from there all was good. she wasn't physco and I was available.I was close to the end of a 3yr divorce proceeding 2 kids involved not sure how long between her last BF but if I recall it had not been very long. I heard the abusive remark from her.Not real sure I believe it now since last night because I know what kind of man I am and she is afraid of me.

So now what is the question again being out of the house I need a place for me and my 2 children to be when I have them no problem got that covered getting a rental for a bit. Unless you all know hope to get around the above statement without her shooting me or getting me arrested.

Next I need to get my things out it will be even more difficult if after I expose all this to her mother and family. So I am not sure if I should proceed till that has occurred of course the OM will have his hooks in well by then but I know he is doomed eventually.

Is it even probable or possible to repair and restore a marriage from where I stand. No I am not a door mat but I am practical. And back to the above questions this is all about appearances to her so me filing for Divorce is her way of saving face it was all my fault then.

Bigsky, if you want to save your marriage it is real important that you listen to us and do these 2 things:

1. GO HOME

2. Expos� her affair wide and far

We don't care about threats to call the police or file ROs, you cannot be forced from your home without cause. On your way there, stop at Walmart and buy a VAR and keep it in your pocket to record any conversations.

You need to go home and focus on what we tell you. Can you do that?

After you get back in your house, read the thread in my sigbnature and start preparing your exposure list. Come back here and we will help you with that.

Listen to Mel's advice.

GO THE HELL HOME!

Be calm, be cool, be super-polite.

This battle cannot be won tonight, but elements that may well contribute to losing it are 1)leaving your home without cause, and 2)giving her cause.

Ok read the thread and going back to house after work (I expect a fight or who knows what) with VAR what now?

Do I have enough evidence to expose all I have is cell phone text logs to same number and I talked to the man on the phone saying he knows her and the where friends I know and you all know but do I need more to convince the family hers that is?

its obvious to us but may not be to some sheltered people.

And I do have the exposure list ready.

Please explain giving her cause?

Good man!! When you get there, be calm and explain that you have no reason to leave and won't be leaving. DO NOT fight with her. DO NOT. "so sorry you are upset, but I have no reason to leave." Be polite and leave the room if she wants to fight. \ Keep the VAR turned on because I suspect she is trying to set you by saying she is "scared" of you.

Don't agree to leave no matter what happens. Even if she calls the police and they ask you to "leave for the night," politely tell them that she is having an affair and that is why she wants you out of the house. Since it is your home too, insist that she leave if anyone has to leave. You have done nothing wrong, after all.


Hold off and gather your evidence. Don't accuse and don't bring it up. In the meantime, snoop like a blood hound. Sneak spyware on her phone, put a VAR in her car and FIND the OM's wife. When you get the goods, come here and we will help you.

Be strong and calm. You will be fine!

Please explain giving her cause?

Threatening her in front of a (hostile) witness...committing acts of frustration that could be twisted into a D-V complaint...

(Basically, everything I did on my d-night...)

p.s. move right back into your marital bedroom too! No guest room for you, Mister!

OK WELL HERE WE ARE AGAIN....... did the home thing the police where called I guess I got lucky they where on my side when they found out what was going on but they did advise me before they had to do it she is trying to setup assault which is different all she has to do is say I threatened her even with a VAR and they would still have to take me to jail. Attorney said same thing there is another avenue but I will keep that one to myself for now.

So now if I am to save my marriage its going to be a while I am going to have to get a place to stay for my children.

To mu knowledge she still hasn't told any of her family and I am sure she is going to spin the H>>> out of this all my fault and stuff. Her pattern is to do this the more I have seen appearance and being alone are her 2 No 1 things. She has both right now the other guy for support and I am going to have to do some things that will look contrary to my true intentions.

So I know this is going to be a uphill battle.

And I still go back to what my pastor said you cant force anyone to do anything they don't want to do in the end.

Things have been broken for a while from what she told me over. I admit things where not great but there was know real problem until other guy that's when communication dropped totally. I can see it in the log.

And there will have to be some major changes on both peoples parts if this is to survive. I am willing but at this point she doesn't have to she has what she needs and doesn't have to deal with her Husband just get him to get rid if himself.

OK now what. I know for this to survive I am going to have to expose this and do it very carefully and even then there may not be a chance but my marriage is worth it.She has to deal with me and I know that.

So suggestions would be great I have the exposure list ready and am formulating a few letters.

My proof is very slim at this point I have his name and telephone number that's it plus the phone bills with all the text message log don't have the actual what was said but when it was looked for things that would help me on the net but didn't find anything yet still looking for a wife something looks fishy to me.I know the truth and so does everyone here but we are married and there should be no interaction with another male like she has its inappropriate and anyone with a brain can figure it out. I know everyone is going to be told they where just friends first. And that may be true but a EA is still that but I believe it escalated.

Next step and maybe a little support I am going to have to get a rental that's obvious and I am going to have to get some legal documents in place this next week to be able to protect my children.

So I have a bit to snoop and formulate. Advice advice advice. I can not take the chance of getting arrested for my kids sake.She didn't do it but she will I know.

Ok I have had the sheet pulled over my eyes I can tell that now this guy doesn't seem to exist.I am sure he is probably one of her Facebook friends by now any suggestions on how to figure out I have limited ways to snoop I thin looking for suggestions.

Well, it makes it much harder to fix this if you are not there. I am not clear on why you left because you could just as easily say she threatened you. I would get back in there as soon as you can. Hopefully today. I would tell your lawyer to make that happen.

Tell me what evidence you have of the affair? How do you know there is an affair?

This is true, but there is MUCH you can do to save your marriage and there is much you can do to ruin your chances. In the end, your pastor does not know how to save marriages. We do.


The purpose of her telling you things have been bad for a long time is to justify her affair. Waywards typically rewrite history to justify the affair. She is likely telling people you have been "abusing" her for years. This is why it is so important to expose the affair and get it out there.

Her strategy is to quietly replace you with the OM. She will keep him secret as long as she can while she eases you out and then tell people she met some new guy that makes her happy.

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