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If anyone has advice I can use it. I should have done this along time ago as some recommended. My wife has been having a affair since Sept. and moved out in Dec. I thought it had ended and we were on somewhat of a path to recovery. Yesterday I found the man she works with at her rental house. I waited for him to leave and followed him to a fiend of his house and confronted him. He was in denial still until I gave him all the fact I had. I did this in front of his friend and family which he tried to deny but they heard all the facts. After that we went to a side road to talk things out with him. He spilled his guts to me and basically she has been lieing to me and him and everyone including our kids. I stayed up all night and worked on exposure stuff and sent it all out this morning early. There work, his volunteer fire dept. city admin. Talked to his parents. Her friend which I is also her HR manager. I think she may have helped conceal this all along and so I went around her to plenty of managers and CEO and her executive manager. The only people I have not confirmed it with yet is our Kids which I will. I need to get myself composed so I can do it right for them.
I am just a wreck and have not slept for 30-36 hrs. What do some of you guys think? Her response last night when I exposed to her what I knew was get over it I may have done something but not now! And she hates me! Leave her alone!
Do I work on moving on? I am a wreck and cant stop crying but am able to hold it together to talk to her. Experts out there Help!!!
good job on the exposure, now let it do it's work you will need to be clear minded so sleep is the first job, then let the job do it's work never apologize to her for trying to save your marriage......... if she bombards you just tell her when she calms down you would be willing to speak about the facts.....and you will do what ever it takes to save the marriage that the rest is up to her, give her your boundaries and what you will need to move forward and then let her deal with what she needs to deal with, walk away if she becomes unreasonable.............. good luck
BW 56 WH 57 Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that..... DS 23, DS 25 D-Day Nov 23/09 NC Mar 1/10 Working on Recovery Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
Is there anything else I can or should do? I love my wife so much but she is just a different person than I once knew. The loving caring woderful truthful lady is like a crazy wild person I never know what to expect. And now I know the whole last few months have been just lies!!!
If anyone has advice I can use it. I should have I am just a wreck and have not slept for 30-36 hrs. What do some of you guys think? Her response last night when I exposed to her what I knew was get over it I may have done something but not now! And she hates me! Leave her alone!
]
You did a GREAT JOB!! You are now 1000% closer to reconciliation than you were yesterday, my friend. You have very likely inflicted a death blow on this affair, which will make your marriage salvagable.
You should view your wife as the falling down drunk who just got cut off at the bar. She will be FURIOUS and will make all sorts of threats. Just expect it and go with the flow. Don't fight, don't cry, just be firm and calm and wait for it to blow over.
GEt some rest, then tell your kids about her affair. Make sure they know who the bad guy is. Give them the full name of the OM. If you can find them, a GREAT exposure is to the OM's parents. That will ruin their plan to integrate her into his family.
Bravo to you for your bravery!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
The other guy text me today and said he wanted to talk later do I do anything or? I dont know if I should talk with him or what last night he seemed upset that he's finding that she is not telling the truth about much of anything to me or him.
I just dont get what she was thinking. this guy is probably 6'2" and 350 lb's and not muscle. Full grizzly beard. And 6 or 7 years younger.
Being still is really tough today.
Is the consensus that I sit still and continue to save the marriage family. That is what I want.
Typical comments from waywards after exposure...BIG SNORE:
"I was going to give you a chance, now I'm not"
"we are just friends"{
"I am filing for divorce on Monday!!" [Monday never comes]
"you have hurt the children!"
we have heard it all! Don't let her anger upset you ONE BIT. It is an expectation.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
RT, I'm so sorry for your pain. Crying is good to let it out.
You are right. Your wife is not the person you married right now. She's an alien who is an addict. She is in a fog so deep, she doesn't realize it.
I try to tell all BH's that there are three chemicals drugging your wife right now. They are: oxytocin (the bonding hormone), testosterone (sex drive), and dopamine (the rush...soul mate crap--false confidence).
You did the right thing by exposing. She may "hate" you now but she'll soon realize you are fighting for her and your marriage. She needs a good dose of reality to wake her up.
Recovery takes a long time. She needs to defog and get through withdrawal.
Keep crying. It will make you feel better. Don't hold it in. See your doctor if you find yourself falling into a deep depression.
First thing is SLEEP......sleep makes everything bearable; otherwise, you'll lose your mind.
Do not back down and apologize for your exposure. Some day she may thank you for saving her life. CT
Me: WW41 Hubby: BH40...My Amazing forgiving man (CharpyTest) DD: 8 DS: 8 DD: 6 EA/PA: 3 years May 25, 2011 (Formal NC letter sent)
If anyone has advice I can use it. I should have I am just a wreck and have not slept for 30-36 hrs. What do some of you guys think? Her response last night when I exposed to her what I knew was get over it I may have done something but not now! And she hates me! Leave her alone!
]
You did a GREAT JOB!! You are now 1000% closer to reconciliation than you were yesterday, my friend. You have very likely inflicted a death blow on this affair, which will make your marriage salvagable.
You should view your wife as the falling down drunk who just got cut off at the bar. She will be FURIOUS and will make all sorts of threats. Just expect it and go with the flow. Don't fight, don't cry, just be firm and calm and wait for it to blow over.
GEt some rest, then tell your kids about her affair. Make sure they know who the bad guy is. Give them the full name of the OM. If you can find them, a GREAT exposure is to the OM's parents. That will ruin their plan to integrate her into his family.
Bravo to you for your bravery!!
thank you Melody
I hope to God this works
I will tell my Kids who he is and the name for sure as well as confirm to them that this is why mom wanted to blame me for everything and make me look bad. She had to blame someone besides herself.
I did call the Guys parents today and told them who I was and what was going on. They were shocked and sad for me and said they would talk with him. His Girlfriend left him apparently just before he started to persue my wife. Then I was the bad guy in the relationship and I worked on looking inside for months. All I can say is I could have gave her more attention but we have to mind our own side of the street.
Is that normal to just try to blame the whole thing on the faithful spouse?
The other guy text me today and said he wanted to talk later do I do anything or? I dont know if I should talk with him or what last night he seemed upset that he's finding that she is not telling the truth about much of anything to me or him.
I just dont get what she was thinking. this guy is probably 6'2" and 350 lb's and not muscle. Full grizzly beard. And 6 or 7 years younger.
Being still is really tough today.
Is the consensus that I sit still and continue to save the marriage family. That is what I want.
You don't sit still. You continue to raise holy hell on the affair until this rat is RUN OFF for good.
I would talk to the OM and see what he wants. GET A TAPE RECORDER and record it. You can little cheapy VARs at Walmart.
When you speak to him, let this information drop: that there is no future for him with your wife because he will be eternally hated by your inlaws and your children for breaking up their family. Let him know that HELL is coming his way if he does not stay away from your wife. Tell him you will file on grounds of adultery and have him subpoenaed into court to give sworn testimony under oath about his affair with your wife. Tell him that the court will subpeona his emails, cell phone records, everything pertaining to the affair under discovery. Paint the ugliest picture possible.
Most of all, let him know that you will make his life a holy unmitigated HELL if he doesn't buzz off.
Can you find his parents? His parents need to know what a loser he is. Does he have a facebook page? If so, I would find it, make a copy for safekeeping and expose to his facebook contacts. Run that scumbag OFF.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Yes, it is normal for WW's to rewrite history and tell ourselves that we were NEVER happy in the marriage and blame it all on the BH's.
Also, do not try to figure out "what she was thinking" regarding the OM. She's drugged and needs her fix. Doesn't matter if she's sitting in her own crap because she's getting high.
Read my thread and you'll see how horrible my POSOM was and how wonderful my husband is!
Me: WW41 Hubby: BH40...My Amazing forgiving man (CharpyTest) DD: 8 DS: 8 DD: 6 EA/PA: 3 years May 25, 2011 (Formal NC letter sent)
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
keep it up I really need the support!!!!! I appreciate it all!!
maybe I do need to try to sleep for a bit.
blaiming faithful spouse normal? All my wife could ever be scared of before is that we wouldnt last forever. I tried to take care of everything else for her and she would worry I would get tired of it but I enjoyed it because I love her so much. Now that I say I want to save our marriage I'm the bad person? I just dont get it? Am I to sensible
[ I did call the Guys parents today and told them who I was and what was going on. They were shocked and sad for me and said they would talk with him.
PERFECT. You did an outstanding exposure. The next thing is to speak to dirtbag and paint a very ugly, scary picture. Run that RAT off!
Then focus on your wife and let her know that you will give her a chance to earn your forgiveness under certain conditions. She will be shocked when you say that because she believes you will take her back under ANY conditions. Now is the time to let her know what it will take to recover this marriage. Read my post on next steps:
Originally Posted by Melodylane
The Aftermath When things die down somewhat, it is important that you present a PLAN to your WS for recovery. The next step is to lead your marriage out of the ditch.
First step is to DEMAND your spouse end the affair.
Originally Posted By: Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."
Ask him/her to send a no contact letter to the OP that is written together, approved by you and mailed together. [template below from SAA]
Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:
1. end all contact with the OM for life
2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle
5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph
6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.
Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.
Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
You are now 1000% closer to reconciliation than you were yesterday, my friend. You have very likely inflicted a death blow on this affair, which will make your marriage salvagable.