Hi All,

I just have a couple of questions. My WW and I are in recovery for almost a year and a half now. She had the emotional affair when we lived out on the east coast. We now live in the Midwest. The question I have is about transperancy. She will not let me see her work email willingly. She signed a non disclosure agreement when she was hired and she feels that there is to much personal data about other people for her to share it with me. Should I respect this?

Also about a month ago she had to contact the OM because of some paperwork that needed to be delivered. She told me she was almost trembling, she was so scared, to contact him but had to because of someone else actually gave her his info as the person to contact. She told me about the whole conversation and even showed me the email between them. She said she told him to keep everything between them as business when he tried to initiate personal conversation. I really believe her but don't know if I should continue to worry. Before she had to talk to him about work there had been NC since December 2010.

Are we on the right track to recovery? She has been open and honest about everything and I have no reason to question her character anymore.

IMO, If she feels she cannot share her email with you because of this agreement, then I would recommend she look for a job where she can be 100% transparent with you. Otherwise she needs to share the emails with you!

SOT,

If I understand correctly, OMW has never been informed of what happened, if you combine that with her working in the same or associated industries you have a dangerous mixture.

God Bless
Gamma

This is very vague information, so it's tough to comment.

I will say this;
I would have told this person I cannot make contact with this individual and if necessary I would have told them why. And, YES I would do this, even if it would have cost me my job!

I agree you have a dangerous combination of lack of transparency and contact. During our false recovery, my H contacted OW at her work email. He also told me he was shaking when he hit the send button to initiate the contact.

You have reason to continue to question her "character" because you have a refusal for transparency and admitted contact. I put character is in quotes because it is not so much a question of character as it is of extraordinary precautions to prevent a rekindling of the affair.

One more thing. Everytime there is contact, the recovery clock is back to zero for both you and your w.

AM

I'm in the financial industry with lots of personal financial information in my possession at work. While DH doesn't have my passwords for work (he could probably figure them out or get them off my password sheet in my nightstand if he cared to snoop), he's welcome to dig through my email while I'm online in the evenings. I cannot, due to non disclosure agreements, allow him free reign access to my email, but I would never tell him he can't look.

Many, many times while I'm working in the evenings he's online right next to me and we look over each others shoulder at each others PCs.

I have nothing to hide from him.

If you where a WW and your DH was a BH what you have written would be total fog speak.

"While DH doesn't have my passwords for work (he could probably figure them out or get them off my password sheet in my nightstand if he cared to snoop)"

Have you told him where this sheet is?

"he's welcome to dig through my email while I'm online in the evenings."

This only leaves a BH to think WW breaks contact all day then erases everything before she gets home and says: look I'm maintaining NC with the OM. This would not do any thing to rebuild my trust. Just the opposite.

"I cannot, due to non disclosure agreements, allow him free reign access to my email,"

You use the non disclosure agreement as a binding promise. Your record shows that you honor and unhonor promises when convient.

"but I would never tell him he can't look."

Empty offer because there is no way for BH to know if you erased any evidence of breaking NC before you get home.

"have nothing to hide from him."

How can BH confirm this?

This is why I don't see how your situation is of help the this thread starter. If you can't trust your H and this OW can't trust her BH then why should either one of you be trusted by your husbands?

Who has bigger secrets then the president? I sure many presidents in modern times tell their wives pretty much every thing. Except about the White House interns that they have banged.

Sad that you can't trust a spouse to not reveal what is said in confidence.

Question:

Even if an affair is over and the marriage recovered. How much does a WS use a work non disclosure agreement because they know their ability to not keep their word makes them believe/be afraid that their BS won't be able to keep their word that they won't reveal what they find in the WS work email or phone?

HopefulNC, as to your non disclosure agreement. How come you can't give up your password, but will let your H see whatever you have up on your screen?

You make a big deal about non disclosure agreement but you let your husband break it when it suits you.

Same logic about a WS using to justify an affair. Allow themselves to be just friends, just share family problems, just allow the OP to meet a need, then allow some more of their needs to be met.

Then allow a kiss, to kissing, then have Roman hands with Russian fingers, it was just gave/recieved oral, to both reciprocated, to in the words of Howard Cosell they "went all the way".

All the way to an STD and or and OC.

Justification is just the start to having an all out affair.

Scaredoftrusting needs to do more then just moved his WW needs a new job in a new industry where the OM will not be able to break NC.

1 - I would never admit on a public BB or advise someone else to break a non disclosure agreement at work. I've posted my real facebook here that has a link to my job. If I admit to giving DH my passwords I could be fired on the spot.

2 - I use auto login and save my passwords for everything on our personal laptops. He could, if so inclined, get my personal laptop, our deskptop, or even his laptop that I use and login, as me, into my company's network. I trust that he would not do so.

3 - I'm pretty certain he knows where the password sheet is since it carries both work and personal passwords for everything we both have and we both use it.

I am in accounts receivable and billing for a large insurance company. There is the expectation at work that our sensitive information is kept private. It's expected that if my laptop is not in use it is locked for security at home. It is expected that the laptop is either with me at all times or locked in my desk at work. I am sensitive about the information that DH does see, even though I trust him completely, when I am working and have sensitive customer or company information up I try to keep from sharing that information. Granted, DH and I are in completely differing industries and he wouldn't know what to do with the information I have, it's still an expectation at work that we keep our information private.

I login into to DH's company email, time system, etc... and process his time, receipts, time off requests, etc... for him because he's very rarely on line anymore. His boss knows this and his company does not have an issue with it, but our positions are drastically different - I report to the VP of a very large company and he's a worker bee on the road.

If DH wanted to snoop, everything we delete at work is recoverable for 30 days. I've offered many times to show him my deleted items since nothing is truely deleted for a time period.

I think that non disclosure agreements and transparency in marriage is a tough one. We struggled a bit with this last year and I don't think there is a cut and dried answer. If a BH/BW has an issue with the need for sensitivity over work information then it might mean a change of jobs for the WH/WW. My DH doesn't have an issue with my agreements and the expectations of not sharing from work. He knows my direct coworkers and my boss, I am not at all protective over my laptop or email when it's up and he's home, we swap cell phones, he has all of my personal logins, and we do have transparency in all other areas of our life.

It's really not difficult at all. The marriage comes first. And one either allows their spouse full access to everything or they get another job. My H and I have completely open email accounts to each other and will occasionally check. Neither of our companies would ever know. This issue has come up on the radio show and Dr Harley's advice was to get another job if you can't share everything with your spouse. He spoke about his job as a psychologist and he made it clear to all of his clients over the years that he would keep nothing from his wife. He never did.

The basic principle is that the job must complement the marriage, not the other way around. So if the job does not complement the marriage, then another job should be pursued.

Thanks for replying. Thing is your company is never going to know that it's not you looking at your computer.

"I use auto login and save my passwords for everything on our personal laptops. He could, if so inclined, get my personal laptop, our deskptop, or even his laptop that I use and login, as me, into my company's network. I trust that he would not do so."

Isn't this not allowing him free access to verfiy NC?

How can a BH verify NC with the WW controlling access?

Having the BH having to say can I check your email, phone, whatever, is the same as asking permission?

Should a BH not have to ask for permission?

I say he should not need permission. I say having a WW that controls access makes the BH not want to verify NC. Just from the fact that a BH does not want you to know that he checking up on his WW as he is doing it.

It is one thing for a WW know that the BH will snoop from time to time but a whole other thing for the BH to be watched and supervised by their WW. Plus WW will already have things erased.

Putting the BH in the spot forcing the BH to have to check emails post affair is one thing.

To force the BH to openly say I don't trust you WW recover all the things you have deleted since the last time I looked is way past what a BH should have to do.

"I think that non disclosure agreements and transparency in marriage is a tough one. We struggled a bit with this last year and I don't think there is a cut and dried answer."

So what problems where there?

Is there any lingering after affects of these problems?

If he were 'snooping' and logged in through the week while I'm also logged in from another ISP questions would be asked. I know that my company runs ISP logs of where I login from. I've had our IT people ask me why I logged in from my family's business - since they're an independent contractor for my company and their ISP logged in as an internal employee. Our security is excellent at work.


When we first started MB I was in a call center on a 6' leash and I would pull call logs for him so he could see my calls, he had my work password and could check my email. As I transitioned to my current position I am no longer in the call center and handle a lot of our credit card transactions and have to comply with the CDS security rules.

I go into my deleted items daily looking for stuff, I've never considered it putting him on the spot to look for things - it's just extra storage so to speak since my inbox is limited in size.

My DH is welcome to ask to see my email at any time - he could go through it tomorrow night when he comes home for all that I care. I receive on average 400 emails a day for work, maybe while he's going through he can delete the junk I don't need? The times he's asked to see my email he's not wanted to navigate because he's not comfortable with the version of Outlook we use and I use it to it's full capacity and all of it's features.


When I started working long hours my husband struggled with what I was really doing at work. Sometimes I would plan to work, the testing environment would not be working and I'd come home. Sometimes I'd plan to work an hours and end up working 6. The strange hours and my EA/inappropriate friendships at a previous job made him wary.

We made several drastic changes about the time we found MB -

We moved several hours away from home, I changed jobs back into the industry my family has always been in, and even prior to MB we were trying to recover our marriage. I shun people who have infidelity in their lives, don't spend time with the single crowd, make sure all of my girlfriends are supporters of marriage, I never say anything bad about my husband or our marriage except to one or two close older women I talk to for advice who have marriages I respect. I am madly and passionatly in love with my husband and people who see us together comment on it, his coworkers and mine have mentioned it. I tell anyone who asks me about him that he's the best man in the world and I'm a lucky woman. And, it's 100% true.

My supervisor at work was a friend prior to me going to work for my company, she's also a very strong Christian and she was okay with DH calling her and verifying things at work.

I had her print off my approved time cards to show I was at work. For a little while I had security logs printed showing me scanning in and out of the building.

We also made it a point to eat together every Friday, at work, usually in the cafeteria. DH has gotten to know most of the people I work closely with. He did not like my first cell mate and we got that changed right away to a situation he was more comfortable with. Now I'm in a group of 7 married women, most of us happily married, strong Christians, and it's really made him more comfortable.

He still could ask for my security logs or my ISP logs. I can no longer pull phone logs since I'm not on a leash daily. We have combined our checking accounts so he sees all of our transactions. We have combined our cell phones - he can see all of our phone calls. He has all of my other passwords - email, FB, Ebay, Paypal, etc... and we share those accounts now.

I wish that DH would snoop, AFAIK he does not. He doesn't believe in it and feels uncomfortable doing so. When we were recovering most of the 'snooping' he did was because I brought him information and gave it to him, not because he looked on his own. He wasn't ever interested in a GPS or a key logger, he had an attitude that if I were doing things he would eventually find out anyway.

We are looking into either starting a business or me going on the road with DH because we can't find jobs that will pay what I make now and put us in a position to make our marriage #1. I try very hard to put DH and our marriage as a top priority, but there are days that my job takes everything I have to give. I work on vacation, I work on weekends, I work at night. While we appreciate the money we don't like the pressure and the hours it takes away from us.

I had to think about this for a few days to be able to answer, it's been a year and a half almost that we found MB, and 16 months since I joined here.

Should I respect this (non-disclosure agreement)? Respect it all you want, but find a way around it.
...she had to contact the OM because of some paperwork...but don't know if I should continue to worry. Yes, you should worry until the day one of you passes from this plane.
Are we on the right track to recovery? Well, you HAD been.

Here's the deal, SOT. If you and she cannot work out ways to 1)give you access to her work e-mail, and 2)erect insurmountable walls preventing her from contacting OM, in any way, she has to leave her job to give you total assurance that her affair will not restart.

Okay, you have thirty seconds to tell us why that's not possible, advisable, feasible, fair, germaine, politically correct, in accordance with her feng shui, etc, etc...



Okay, feel better? You didn't change our minds. You asked some questions; you got answers. We can't force you to act in your marriage's best interests; we're just here to sweep up the detritus after people fail.