It is the RULE rather than the exception. It is like the alcoholic who blames everyone else for his drunkeness. She likely trotted out every grievance from the last 20 years and even manufactured several new ones. That is par for the course!

However, the solution to a bad marriage is to work to turn it around, not to have an affair! She is 100% responsible for her affair, make no mistake about that.

You are on the right road, my friend. Very proud of you!

Dude, it might not be fully apparent to you right now, but you had a VERY good day today.

Just going to repost that little part to make sure that rtschida saw it and that it sinks in...


Even if you don't believe it and are scared to confront her, you'll have to make the stand. Otherwise, she'll continue to drive the ship and...well, what's the point?

No kidding! Usually the first 20-30 pages of a thread are devoted to a betrayed telling us why they cannot expose and they spend months in limbo instead of getting down to brass tacks.

Don't lose the momentum.

I wont lose the momentum. I was a little tenative at first but then I somehow found a new found strength from listening and reading all you vets have had to say and by listening to Dr. Harley.
My strength was what do I have to loose embarres her and him and shed the light on the bad thing there doing or keep living a lie and enabling them to cover it up.
If I let it go I loose and if I uncover it I may win my family and wife back or the truth will be out why it all fell apart and it wont pawned off onto me.

Right attitude?

You guys are great support
keep it going

My advice would be to stop crying, straighten up and pat yourself on the back. Well done! I suspect your ww and om never thought you had it in you. I'll bet they're thinking differently now!

Sounds about right

We've, with few exceptions, been where you are and know what it's like. For me, the key was realizing that I didn't need to be married bad enough to put up with that kind of mess. That it shouldn't be *me* wallowing around being a driveling mess trying to grasp at any straw handed to me. Rather, it should have been me saying "No, I'm done living like this and will only stay married to you under these conditions."

By the way, expect a complete sh*t storm over your house when your WW hears the news that everyone else knows about her wanderings. So when you hear the "I was going to work on it but not now" the "What you've done is making me want to leave even more" and the puzzling "How can you say you love me and do this to me", just take a breath and think before you speak.

Don't get into an argument or try to reason with her--it won't work or change her mind or make her see the light.

Don't apologize other than to say "I'm sorry that you're upset that others know about your adultery, but I'm not going to put up with a third party in this marriage and will not let you drag me into an argument over it" and leave the room.

You did very well. Good job and hang in there.

That is exactly right. Exposure is a very scary thing, as you have learned. But divorce is much more scary. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger at being exposed, but it can't survive an ongoing affair. You understand the LOGIC of the situation and that is what it takes. One has to be able to overcome their emotions of FEAR in order to make it.

You did just awesome... You are now in a position to save your marriage because you sucked it up and did the tough stuff.

Now, the hard work continues because you have to drive your marriage out of the ditch with a PLAN to restore the love in your marriage. I would print out the talking points I gave you in my "aftermath" post and start thinking of how best to present that to your wife.

YES!

As a former wayward, I just wanted to chime in..... It's what we waywards all do, we blame others.

Keep up the great work!

thanks everyone. I am a little scared but I'm sure this is the right thing to do. I have no doubt. If I'm going to be married and treat my wife great then I need more than just being crap.
Wife had son call and say she picked him up from school so he wouldnt be home. When I asked to talk to her he said she is on speaker phone. I asked her why she did that and when will she be bringing him over. she groaned and hung up. I guess she must be angry! I wonder how work was today.
I feel like she may try to use the kids as pawns to try to munipulate me. Well I will deal with that.
I guess So far I must have done a good job if she's that upset.

Bingo

well just talked to wife. sounds like she had a real crappy day as well as the other dink.
She was real real mad saying she almost lost her job and could still loose it. She said what I did was over the top. (I dont think so do you)
I said well if you have to hide what your doing then you probably shouldnt be doing it. If you have to lie about everything you do well its probably the wrong thing to do!! she hung up on me.
I think the fight may be on as far as getting the kids as she is trying to rule what and when I see them since that is the only leverage she has on me.

"I am really sorry to hear you might lose your job over your affair."

Does she work with the OM? Can you refresh my memory? Would her employer fire her over the affair? Many will. And that is their right.

She won't get too far withholding the kids from you. That would be a huge mistake on her part. That makes judges so mad that we have had mothers lose custody over that stunt.

Yep, you were WAY over the top fighting for your family. You suck RT. I'll NEVER post to you again (have I ever?). I hate your guts! How DARE you do everything you can to protect your marriage and family. How DARE you hurt her feelings and crush her Harlequin romance. How DARE you call her out in front of family, friends, and employers and destroy her magic carpet ride to eternal bliss with a pig in rut. How freakin' DARE you!!! [/sarcasm]

This is all a prescribed response from her for your taking a stand and manning up for your family.

Ya' done good!!

ETA: One day she may actually thank you for your efforts. Remember that.

Exposure warrior!

Don't forget in your dealings with WWs, that they are careful to stack the deck so you can't win.

If you hadn't exposed: you would have been unfeeling, didn't even care and were not jealous because you had grown apart and were now just friends.

If you do expose she becomes furious but that's OK because her affair bubble fantasy is now burst.

Very well done.

I am not mad at all if she loses her job. honestly it would be a great day.

We never had a problem in life until she took this job a year ago. Then slowly all heck broke loose and sleez bags girl friend dumped him and left him and he went on the prowl chasing down my wife. Of course hind site I now know before things got going she talked about quiting her job but not because she told me what was really going on but because she said it was to much work. Later the truth came out now that she was trying to get away because they were getting to close and she knew it. now once again honesty would have fixed the whole situation. I have always been honest and up until then hardly ever a issue.

Ya I will see her tomorrow at the b ball tourney we'll see how angry she really is. I plan on sitting far away and having a good time.
would her work fire her? Very possible. They have a pretty strict employee expectations for how they act. One of there policies is whether on the job or not if your employed there dont do anything ever that the company would not want on the front page of the newspaper. Also they are very strict on the sexual harrasment issue and the use of work time and computers. There is never suppose to be any mention of anything sexual on the premis. I dont think that rule got followed, just a guess.
Sleez bag was calling me left and right last night to talk and try to smooth things over but I think maybe the letters today got him into a little trouble. have not heard a peep from him today. who knows maybe he got fired. This company is not known for being loyal to people who dont follow there plans to a T. They have very high expectations I guess I should say. Which can be good.

You have no idea how great it is that you are not afraid of her losing her job. A lot of BHs around here are so scared of that, that it'll hurt things, etc, etc, and use it as an excuse NOT to expose to their WWs place of work.

Kudos to you!

good on you! i am so pleased to hear that there is someplace/people who have high expectations and consequences! perhaps sometime down the road you can share this responsible employer with us! (yes, a looooong way down the road, but they should be commended)

ITA, Letty!

You need to be home.

What's stopping you.

Believe me, I know.