Jennifer, have you read dr H's article on co dependency? Being co dependent is a positive thing in marriage, not a negative thing. My H and I are very codependent and that is why we have a great marriage. We do things for each other, but we don't sacrifice and we don't tolerate abusive behavior. And I don't define "abuse" as a man having an opinion either. Being co dependent is healthy marriage behavior unless one is married to an active addict.

Please check out his article on CD, it was an eye opener for me.

When they go wayward with any kind of affair they fall back into the freeloader mental state. He hasn't done to work to become a buyer.

Plan B will be good for you. I would consider him wayward and until he is able to do the work to become a buyer he will never be marriage material.

Yes. And I think I tried to qualify my concerns about my own co-dependency above when I specified that if a person around me can't take care of their life, I spend my energy trying to fix their life instead of making sure my own life is on the right path. It's not just active, raving alcoholics who can trigger the unhealthy kind of co-dependency, it's any person who's life is out of control (mental health issues, etc.) So my DH, with his ADD and depression and lack of a desire to provide for his family, fits the bill of a person you wouldn't want to be co-dependent with, as Dr. Harley explains in his article.

Recognizing my own tendency to co-dependency of the unhealthy sort is another way of saying "I sure can pick 'em!"

Sigh.

I am still struggling with how to interact with DH for the time being.

Last night he wanted to spend a little time with the kids. I let him come over to my house. He commented on the locked doors when he came in (makes me feel much safer emotionally and physically to look the doors...protect my space). I was playing connect four with the girls, and he started playing with our middle child when he came in. It was in my bedroom sitting on the floor. I think that's the first time he's been in my bedroom since the night he came home from S. Carolina and barged in. I was sitting nearby folding/sorting laundry. It was a lot more family like than we've been in ages.

Part of me wants to encourage those sorts of things...and the other part of me (the one remembering what Dr. Harley said) says it's just a recipe for compromise. We have a lot of bills coming due and so far DH has paid nothing but bills that pertain to our son and himself this month (and he's behind on two). He hasn't paid a penny towards the mortgage last month or this month. When I asked him how much he'd have for the upcoming bills, his answer was, he didn't know. I didn't really respond, and he said, "Why do you want me to be more stressed out about this?" I said I don't really care whether you're stressed out or not, but someone has to pay the bills and I'm not sure why you don't feel the responsibility to do so. He really doesn't seem to care...for so long I've been the one supporting our family and he just takes it for granted that I'll make things work somehow. I also asked him about our tax refund, which will only be about $1000 (I had thought it woudl be more but my ex is insisting on claiming one of our girls). He says, "I think it should be used to pay bills." I said, "Respectfully, I don't agree. Since I'm able to pay all the bills I'm supposed to right now, but you aren't, that would mean all of the tax refund would go to you and your obligations and not the real needs of our family. I think it should go towards repairing the house." He stormed off.

Please help me with suggestions about how to improve my MB practices.

I agree you should take the money and use it for your family since he is not contributing in any way. Are you any closer to a separation now? Like Dr Harley told you, your husband doesn't care. So this continual interaction is just going to beat you down even more.

I will be hiring an attorney in the next couple of days...so I'm hoping we can get a hearing soon to get him ordered out of the home. I've also asked him if he could leave by the end of the month and he said he's been advised by his attorney not to leave the home.

If you were a judge, which would you think more highly of:
Father A lives in a home he's removed the kitchen from. There is no place to cook for his son, nor a room for his son to have, or even a seperate bed. Father A does not pay any of the mortgage for this home, his wife pays it. Father A refuses to move to a different part of the home so his wife can continue repairs in the part he is living in. He removed all of the tools to a rented storage unit and won't allow his wife to use the tools to repair the home.

Father B moved out of the marital home, which was inadequate to live in as it had no kitchen. He rented a small apartment and set up a room for his son with adequate furnishings. He is paying his bills consistently and demonstrates he can support himself and his son.

Personally, I think he's just hurting himself, but hey, if that's what he wants to do, more power to me. I'm taking every day as it comes, moving forward with my plans, and feeling good about it.

What a jerk! I hope your attorney can get an emergency order and get him kicked out ASAP. That way you can finally go into Plan B. sheeesh

Uggh, I'm feeling really drained today. I had to file the answer to the divorce. And tomorrow is the seven year anniversary of the end of my first marriage. I don't want to be around H at all, I so wish I could just get away from all of this. I struggle to just be me.

Today in the car as we were driving home my son asked me, "Mommy, does daddy love you?" I was already close to tears and that pushed me over. I know I need to hold it together for them, but I'm just so burned out that I can't protect them from this experience.

I want to think like a survivor...but right now I just feel like a failure and feel so down.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{JV}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

There are going to be bad days, and then some really bad days......
and now your in one of the really bad days, and I'm sorry for you....

I can tell you that it will get easier and you will find a way through this mess your in. Don't forget it is the WH who left the marriage, this is his doing not yours, and he may have started it but you are going to finish it. You will survive.... you will rise up through this..... and believe it or not, there is life after divorce and it's way better than where you are now!!!!!!!

SC

Thanks SC

I'm feeling a ton better this week. On Friday at work last week, our files were audited by people from our region and from the statewide office. They said the legal advocacy in my files was the best they'd seen in the state I felt awesome. And this week, I've worked to keep kids safe. I do good at my job, and I've got a lot to be proud of.

Meanwhile, DH struggles with just finding a job, despite the fact that there are help wanted signs all over town (tourist season is coming up soon). It used to be my problem that he couldn't find work, but it's not my problem anymore, and that feels amazingly free.

I know my future is bright. I feel good about where I'll be eventually. And I'm finding my peace and patience to be able to get to that point.

I haven't quite gotten to Plan B yet (although closer!) but I am feeling a lot of the peace I imagine comes with it.

I'm getting ready for a big step. I'm going to contract with a handyman to build the cabinets to our kitchen. This is something that needs to be done, but I've been hesitant because DH kept saying he wanted to build them, and it would certainly be cheaper. But I know in my heart that he doesn't have it in him to finish the project. He can't get the simplist thing done if it's something I want done...he can quickly complete projects he wants done. The contrast is obvious and undeniable...and I am acknowledging and accepting it (painful as that is!)

I feel like my own fog of having believed I could make this marriage work is lifting. I had lunch with a friend on Friday and was describing how much I'd done, how many major decisions I'd made, to "make DH happy." But the truth is, that's his job. It's always been his job. He still is living his directionless life, the only thing he's planning at this point is the divorce, not even his own life after the divorce. He has no idea what he's going to do. He's sort of looking for work, but heck, if it was me, I'd work in fast food rather than live off of my STBXW or my mom. But he's not making those choices. He's holding out for a "good enough" job rather than have pride in being a provider.

But...I'm ready to take this step. Ready to throw my money at the right thing, getting the home fixed for my family. My kids ask me almost every day when we can move into the front house, when they can have their own rooms, etc. (Right now, all three share one room, although I've been letting them alternate having one sleep on the couch the last week or so).

It's good but scary...I know just like getting the floors finished, he'll be mad at me about it. I fear what he'll do with his anger.

So...tonight H was over to visit with the kids, who didn't really want to see him. I told him that the handyman was coming over and that I was going to have him start on cabinets. He got upset and left. He told me he wouldn't allow any cabinets to be installed until after the divorce.

Later, he called and was angry that I was going ahead with someone else doing the cabinets. The kids were still up so I got off of the phone, I couldn't talk.

Later, I called him and quoted something he had said to me last night in another context: I need to know your plans so I can move forward. I told him this is where I have been for a while, that I need to move forward, and that although I have asked for his plans, offered suggestions to our situation, etc., I have not gotten a response. He said he didn't have any plans, he didn't know what he was going to do. (That much has been fairly clear, other than the divorce, which he sure seems to be able to march ahead with). I said that the last idea I had had, the only thing I could think of, I had suggested two weeks ago, and that was that we both work on the house together, put the divorce on hold, and agree that he will move into the back house when the front house is finished. He never got back to me with an answer (although I asked him about it a couple of times). Tonight, he started saying, "that's a good idea, that would work." But I made it clear that isn't an option anymore.

He broke one of the kids headboards almost two months ago, and despite the fact that he's unemployed, home most of the time, etc., and that I have reminded him many a time, he has not repaired it. Tonight I mentioned it to him, as yet another reason why having him do the cabinets would not work, and he said that it hadn't been two months. I pointed out the dates, and he finally agreed, but he had had no idea all this time is passing where I have to see broken furniture and him not working on it. He has absolutely no idea where I am coming from.

I know where I've been and where I am going: I am moving forward. One painful, purposeful step at a time. Tonight, I really am sad to have to pay someone else to build cabinets in the home my husband and I bought together, dreamed of working on, of living in, of having our lives together in. But it is the only option left.

Uggh, the stress of this situation is starting to affect my son. DH dropped him off at daycare on Monday, and he was saying he was sick and wanted to stay home (he stayed home with dad for a few days the last couple of weeks when he had the flu). DH told the teacher in front of our son, something along the lines of you can call me anytime to come get him if he's sick. She said that all day, he kept saying he was sick, saying he wanted to go home, asking her to call his daddy. But he wasn't sick...he's just being emotionally manipulated. The next few days he'd cry during me dropping him off, kept saying he's too sick for school, that it makes him sick, that he wants to stay home. He even tried to convince me in the car driving to his school that he could stay home himself, that he would eat only healthy food and be a good boy and I could leave him home alone. (He's FOUR!!! I had just told him that since he wasn't sick and I needed to work, he needed to go to school, and that his friends were there waiting for him). Apparently he was crying a lot today, and didn't even take a nap because he lay awake crying...so sad. The director pulled me aside as I was coming to get him to say how worried they were about him, that he has such deep sadness, and expresses it so clearly but they don't know what to do for him. They know that his dad is pushing for a divorce. He also drew a picture today about "Our broken house." And he asked me why the people who had the house before us broke it, and I had to tell him that it wasn't broken when we got here, that it got broken afterwards. It is so painful how aware the children are of the home renovations and the impact on their lives, and how little DH seems aware of it.

Sigh. How have other people helped their children through, and dealt with the stbx making them emotionally unstable?

So, our son seems to be doing a bit better. I think his dad is on board with keeping him enthusiastic about school.

There is a sort of peacefulness in our situation now, hard to explain. H has accepted that he needs to help finish the house and move out of the area being worked on. He hasn't gotten a ton more done, but he is working on it here and there (yes, that headboard is still broken...) And we have been talking A LOT, as in good conversation. I know that is a huge EN of his. And I enjoy it too, although it does bring up the longing that I have that our relationship will be able to be rebuilt.

Tonight I invited him out to dinner with us. We actually had a really nice time, all together as a family. He said he would only agree to it (with me paying) if I would join him for dinner later this week with him cooking. I happily agreed.

I've come to be pretty matter of fact about things that will change when the relationship ends, and I think it surprises him but that he doesn't feel attacked about it.

He did ask me if I got the notice about mediation (I got it over a week ago) for the divorce. I said I had, but that it might have to be rescheduled if I got an attorney, and I'm trying to decide about that. We were able to talk about it briefly without getting upset, although I did say that I wanted to know more about what he wanted out of this divorce, and that I still was not in agreement with the divorce, I was just accepting that legally, there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Anyways...I'm back to plan A'ing while I can. I have noticed some definite progress in him being willing to let me meet his needs and, to some degree, being willing to meet some of mine. He's been more thoughtful and appreciative and seems to genuinely want to be helpful. Today I was expressing appreciation for him working on the house, and he said he wants me and the kids to have a nice place to live. It meant a lot just to hear that, I've come to feel he wants to keep us in a miserable place just to spite me, so it felt good to hear the opposite sentiment, and also actually witness action to back up the statement.

I do have the guy working on the cabinets still, and I'm trying to get all those details sorted out. H will be going out of town at the end of next week and I might see if I can get the cabinets installed then...we actually might get the floor done soon, and then the kids and I could move into the front house.

Suggestions? Ideas? Am I muddling through this rather awkward situation in a way that is consistent with marriage builders?

Any thoughts? I know I can't implement plan B like I should, but am I on the right track?

Plan A seems to be having a very positive effect...H is becoming very interested in communication. I am still nervous about the whole situation, but I feel like I'm doing what I can, the best I can.

He has a few job interviews today, one is a job in his line of work that I found an ad for and sent his way. Part of me says I shouldn't be job searching for him (again) but part of me also says, him having a job is the best for everyone, and if I can help that happen, then I'm doing the right thing. He's expressed appreciation for me doing this, and for a couple of other emails I've sent him. We've been talking probably at least an hour a day, just the two of us without the kids around, which is a lot more than it was, and the best I have gotten for UA time in a long time.

DH has a job lined up starting the Monday after next! I'm glad for him. It was the one I sent him. It is not a permanent job, but something will help, anything.

Last night I had a bad moment or two. H is taking our son to where we used to live next week, and he says he wants to look for work there. I've expressed that at this point, moving with our son isn't an option. He doesn't really answer directly, but I'm not too worried about that if he wanted to move, I am 99% sure that our son would stay with me. Anyways, with his new job coming up here, but it being short term, I asked him if he still was going on the trip. He said yes, because he wanted to "see some people." Although I hadn't thought about it up to that point, it came to me as a shock, that is where the OW of his EA lives. I immediately asked if he was going to see her and said our son was not to be around her under any circumstances. It wasn't the right way to handle it, I know. He immediately got defensive, said there had never been anything going on, I'd overreacted about the whole thing, I just needed to get over it. We weren't arguing, just discussing it in a heated way. But we were clearly getting nowhere. I tried to explain where I was coming from, then just tried to cut the conversation off, but it took a bit (I know I should have just walked away.)

I can't believe how nervous the whole thing made me. I know he looked her up on google + in december.

I went back to my house and wrote out a long narrative/explanation for how I felt about the EA, the questions I still had about it, and what it meant that there was still a lack of openness about the situation.

I'm not sure how to handle this going forward, because at this point H says he doesn't want a relationship, so how can I suggest radical honesty?

Okay...I decided to check on my hunch. H's ONLY friend on google+ is OW. She was not on there in December, last time I checked. So, his claim yesterday "I haven't had any contact with her since you stopped our chat" is completely out the window.

Sigh. Okay, now I think I need to do a full exposure. I didn't have any proof last time, just what I'd seen but it all got erased before I could print/save it. Not that this is much proof. Would that be a good idea? And maybe not allow DS to go with H next week...I'm planning to go back in a couple of weeks to see family down there, and I'll invite H to go with us then if he wants DS to see his old friends. Otherwise, there is NO WAY I am risking my son being around the OW. NO WAY. I already have my two girls spending considerable time with the OW who wrecked my first marriage, as she's now their stepmom, and it is painful enough.

Today is/was my 5th anniversary. This is tough.

H did take our son, but son was homesick and they are coming home a day early. I'm going to do more snooping when they get back. If I can find any definite info, I will proceed immediately to exposure. In some ways, I almost wish there is something there, to explain this craziness. But I'm tired as well. It took about 8 hours of sanding to remove the dirt that H had ground into the unfinished floors he was living on. Then as I was about to start sealing, I noticed a wet board underneath the ones I've installed in the kitchen, apparently there is a leak in the bathroom behind the shower unit and it is going under the floor/wall. So, couldn't finish the floors, and spent hours trying to get the shower out, but didn't get it finished, there are some nails rusted in. The floor is really rotted. I'm so tired of this mess, and worried that H is going to destroy the floors again, I don't have energy to keep redoing work like this.

Well, I figured it was time for an update. I started to feel like I was posting a blog since rather than on a message board, since I wasn't getting any responses, but there's probably something off-putting about what I'm saying, or maybe my mess doesn't quite fit into SAA.

Anyways...some forward steps: I've made progress on the floors, despite setbacks, and they are now sealed. H helped me a bit, which was nice.

I also retained an attorney. That was financially very painful, to put money towards that, but it was a responsible step that I needed to take (as my counselor says, okay, so what is the next step?) I think in some ways it was a reality check to H, too, that this is going to be a fair game. In terms of the process, it delayed things a bit. That's good and bad, good because there is extra time, bad because it certainly doesn't help me get to plan B.

I also took a trip to visit old friends, and came back MUCH recharged. And it was helpful to get some more insight into H's relationship with the OW and his crazy gaslighting of me (one person he had specifically pointed to as someone who would validate his point of view, decidedly disagreed with it and sympathized with the horror I am feeling at being accused of something so far from the truth and so unprovable.) So...I felt saner and more loved. All good things. All part of taking care of myself.

I'm not sure what work I'm doing or can do on the marriage right now, though. Any thoughts? I did have a number of people ask me if I would still be willing to reconcile, and of course my answer is a yes, if...and an understanding of what conditions I would be willing to. I suppose that is my plan B. I've actually worked on my plan B letter some.

H continues to use me for his EN, conversation being the primary, while giving little in return. I figure it doesn't hurt to meet his needs when it doesn't drain me too much, so I'm happy to enjoy that time with him conversing. Admiration is another, and I make sure to appreciate things about him, honest admiration. He joined us for dinner last week, first time in a long time. I offer to share our dinner with him frequently, but he just says no.

The last few days I have had some tough experiences, where I have felt the emotional weight of my life to come as a single parent. I've been a little overwhelmed. But facing it has also brought me through to another stage of grief (again, I seem to be going through them all repeatedly): acceptance.

I am willing to concede my marriage. It is gone. It is dead. I'm am very sorry about it, oh so sad about it, but the sadness does not change the fact of its death.

I've been shedding a lot of tears and probably have some more to get out tonight, so much so that my eyes are puffy and my body feels a bit wracked by all the grief, but it also feels good to FEEL it. Dullness wasn't the answer, nor denial.

So here I am. Back here in divorced/divorcing. Because that is what my future holds.