I have read just about the entire site..... and I am not here looking for Sympathy for what I did.... or have done....
I am looking for advice from either experience or those who have been around a similar situation.

My wife and I have been married almost 10 years.
We have always seemed to be happy, but not great at communicating when the hard stuff needs to be talked about...and by hard stuff I mean potential things that cause hurt.
About two years ago....I guess I was distant from her...and rather than talk to her.... I became involved with a woman that I work with. Both me and the other woman new it was wrong but we allowed it to continue...and eventually feelings developed... strong feelings. She was also married at the time...but was planning to divorce her husband...and eventually did. I too contemplated that...
My wife noticed how I was changing....and eventually she asked me about my moods. At first I was reluctant... but eventually I came out with the truth. Never telling her who or where...out of needing to protect the other woman.
And my wife never asked.
At one point things got pretty tense between my wife and me and I moved out.... but only for a short time about two weeks.
And yes during that time I did see the other woman outside of work. But as it would be I missed my wife and my life and I talked to her and worked through a tough few conversations and she took me back.
For a few months things were OK...but eventually I began talking to the other woman again via email and txt. Keep in mind that we work together.
My wife again noticed....and I again confessed.... we decided to go to a Marriage encounter weekend to see if we could start to rebuild our marriage.
I felt a huge transformation in myself and in us.... and really thought we had a chance.... it was great. We even reaffirmed our vows... and after felt the commitment so strong we bought each other second wedding rings.
This too though only lasted a few months.... and I again started txting and talking to the other woman. Even seeing her socially at times.
So once again...back we go.
And again the same result.
Now it is a year after our weekend.... and I am still in the same roller coaster. never truly cutting the ties of personal communication with the other woman.
I have talked to the other woman....and we feel that if I chose to stay in my marriage as I always seem to do when this decision comes up... but this time truly give it my all.... that we would cut all ties, except for work related ties. The situation.... Neither of us can leave the jobs we have.... I know that is advice given on this site... but that is simply not an option.
My wife and I talked last night... and we will talk again tonight... this time I have not told her that I have been with the other woman again... but I feel I need to in order for her to understand. I know it will rip her apart... and that may be the end of it... then I may have my answer that my marriage is in fact over. I know my wife has always said that she would work through whatever comes up no matter what...and she has proven that time and time again. Not sure why I can't just see what I have right in front of me.... and as she put it... just live and enjoy the life I have now... and let go of the other. Sounds easy when I type it down...but in fact is very difficult because of the feelings for the other woman.
I do want to stay in my marriage...if I didn't I do not think I would keep coming back... but not sure how if the other thoughts keep coming into my mind.

Love has never been a problem for my wife and I. In fact I do still love her very much and care for her. But the other feelings keep clouding my mind and heart keeping me from truly enjoying my wife and my life.
Over the past year and a half... we have bought several things and gone several places to enhance our lives and have done things that we both enjoy greatly. All attempts by me to get back to what we had once. And all amazing and we do still have fun together... but my mind still wonders.

What I need help with is how to rebuild my marriage.... with the limitations I have with the job.
I know it can be done...and I have read that it has been done.
I just need advice on how....
The other woman works on the same floor as me for now.... but in a few months will be moving to another floor of the building so contact will be very occasional...and there will be days when I do not see her at all... and not like it is now... I know that will help.
Please I already know how wrong this whole thing is and how unfair it is... so I do not need to hear all of those comments.
my soul hurts.... and so does my heart.... and my health is suffering. So this all has to end and the sooner the better...
Please any advice on how to survive this is appreciated.

Wow! For someone who has claimed to have read this site entirely, I can only expect that your reading comprehension level is abysmal, or you arrogantly think the "Laws of Marital Protection" do not apply to you.

I'll fix your problem in one line:

QUIT YOUR JOB! MOVE AWAY FROM YOUR CURRENT LOCATION!

Okay, now is the time for you to tell us why you can't, why you won't, why it's not necessary! And we'll waste two dozen pages on this, before you finally either LEARN from us, or LEAVE.

Save us a lot of trouble, dude. QUIT! MOVE!

THE number one step to ending an affair is no contact for life between the affair partners. Without this step there can be no recovery for the marriage. So without leaving the job, marital recovery is hopeless.

Also, be honest with your wife that even after reaffirming your marital vows, you decided to boink the other woman. Your wife deserves to have a better life than the one you are offering.

If you have not read it already, take a look at the thread for wayward lurkers.

AM

Reasons for why I can't leave my job or move.
In short... a multitude of financial reasons for one.
And for two... I am tied into the company I work for and am unable to leave.

For the other Woman....
Hers is much the same. Financial Reasons.

So while I appreciate and yes have ready your comments on the site.. despite your feeling that I lack comprehension.
That is the one fact that cannot be changed.
I know and understand how diffuclt recovery will be with the job situation.... but I have seen it done. And in my current situation it has to be done.
I need real advice on how.
Not to be told something that I have already read... and that I cannot do.

Ace1974

Sorry this is going to be a drive by post since I am heading out the door for the weekend.

Condsider this:

How effective would recovery programs out there be such as AA/Na if we say only allow the person to get drunk or high lets say on Tuesdays-thursdays and every other sunday.

The program here Dr H provided helps recover M's when followed correctly. In all of the reading I have done I have never seen him provide excuses to the special or unique.

You are going back to your fix and you proved that by your post. Your BW knows this by your behavior.

You are not an exception to the rules that govern addiction. Your a perfect example that thinks their situation is unique and special.

Jobs are replaceable. Are you telling us your BW is also? You hold your job in higher priority than your BW>

Just asking

nESRE

So how do you plan to start recovery if every time you're at work it sets your wife back to DDay?

What just compensation and EP's have you set for your wife?

If you want to truly recover your marriage why do you think Dr. H doesn't know what he's talking about?

His first step is NC for life and you refuse to do that.

So how can you say you want to truly reccover?

Could you link recent posts to your thread where it was recommended working with the OP was said to be OK? Or direct us to the poster? The MB's program would work just fine.

nESRE

"I know and understand how diffuclt recovery will be with the job situation.... but I have seen it done. And in my current situation it has to be done.
I need real advice on how.
Not to be told something that I have already read... and that I cannot do."

cannot do = do not want to do

Could it be that what you really want is your wife AND the other woman? That you do not want to give up either one?

AM

Thanks nesre
To answer your question... no I do not feel she is replaceable.
And I know it seems that I feel I am an exception...and yes that is what my writing sounds like. I understand that.
However that being said... the job change would also put a burden on my wife...as well as me... even making it more difficult.
And I know that on this site...there is no exception to the rules. But in Life.... there is no cookie cutter solution to every situation.. every situation is different. And while rules apply in general form to most everything... there are always situations that require exceptions. In everything in life.
And yes Marriages are work... that is why I am still here at home trying to do what I can....
And why I came here seeking advice for my situation.
I appreciate the advice and I look forward to more....
I will take in all the advice and think through it... and then formualte a decision.

I have pondered that exact thing about wanting both
and for a while that is what I felt.
But I know that while I have feelings for both... the ones for my wife are deeper.
And I also ponder if the feelings for the other woman are simply an infatuation... and nothinng more.

As for the can not do =
That is exactly what it means.... its not a do not want to...
it is a can not....
For a number of reasons that are beyond the scope of these conversations and that I am not at liberty to discuss further.
But I will add.... that they have nothing to do with the other woman. That is the truth.

Every foggy wayward that posts on this site thinks their situation is special and unique and that MB principles can be "bent and formed" for their unique situation. But it does not work that way. It you cannot make the very FIRST step, then the recovery is hopeless.

Tell your wife and let her get you out of her life. If she doesn't, she will suffer mental and physical health ramifications for years. If you have a shred of caring for her, be honest.

AM

nesre

The information about individuals who have survived this situation and stayed working at the same job together...
was not on this site...or in these posts.
But from one of the multitude of sites that I read over the past few days.

Also I have personal experience where it has been worked out... not necessarily working together... but seeing each other regularly... and remaining friends even after its ended.
I have friends that are doing this right now.

I cannot think of ANY reason that MAKES a person with freedom of choice work at their job. It is a choice, not an imperative of life such as breathing, eating, sleeping.

Are your friends that have "recovered" their marriages still sleeping with their former affair partners (as you are)?



AM

You will hear the broken record here.

We use the MB's program. The information from Dr H's books, articles and this website.

nESRE

I have explained as much as I can.
And your advice is very much appreciated.

After the other times that I confessed to my wife I was sure that I would be shown the door. However she never has.
I was the one who left the first time.

Even now... when I tell her again... she will most likely still not want to end our marriage.
She believes in marriage very deeply...and in that it is for life. her love is unconditional as she has proven time and time again.
I obviously struggle with my stability and love emotion... but that all can be recovered to how it once was.
I know it can.

So what EP are you putting in place for your BW?

What just compensation are you doing for her?

If you have seen it done while a WS .... husband or wife ... is able to have contact with the OP.... then you have seen more than many of us here .... it just does not work!!!

You asked for "real advice on how" ..... well complete non contact for life is part of the how.

It would seem to me that you wish to do anything except if it means you have to give up something.... and that is not going to work.

There are consequences for all we do... actions may be good or bad but all have consequences.

YOUR actions have placed your wife, your family, you in the situation you now face and guess what? there is no easy way out. No instant fix. No undo button.

It takes hard heart breaking work, honesty, and determination with a proven plan which Dr harley has put together from experience with thousands of couples.

It is not a fast serve menu you just do bits of.... not if you want it to work.

Its simple, you go or ow goes..... or its likely your marriage goes.

I guess its just like when you decided to have an affair .... you have a decision to make!

I am usually in tune with all the acronyms that I see.
But is there a page that shows what they all are for the purpose of this site.

I do not want to misread anything because I do not understand an acronym.

EP?
WS?
OP? = other person
BW? Assuming this is refering to my wife.

Acronyms and Abbreviations
Dr.H's How Affairs should end

Thanks for the site for the Acro.
EP? is not on it though.
I have pretty much figured out the others.

I will try to answer your EP question... I assume it refers to my plans on how to show her.

First of all... for myself I will cease all communication with the OW except if work requires it... which is very rare that it does. on that respect...I will keep contact with her to a minimum.

For my wife... as I mentioned we have purchased several items over the past year.... one being a new travel trailor.
We both enjoy that...and will make sure we take several weekend trips. Also I will communicate with her... and I will show her in emotional and little ways to reconnect and show her I am committed.
Our jobs do not always allow for us to txt or talk on the phone throughout the day... but I will make the best effort I can situation providing to talk to her.
I will also suggest when we talk tonight after she gets home from work... and after I have come clean as the the underlying causes if the current situation... if we are still talking after taht... I will suggest that we definitely setup a schedule of when we will have together time.
We are together most evenings.... but it usually involves supper, feeding our many animals, talking with our daughter, and the TV. never just time to us.
We tried to dialog regularly after our weekend.... but we have grown away from that.
Perhaps we should restart that.