EVery day you don't tell her about your continued contact with this wh*re is another lie added to the mix. You compound the crime with your continued deceit and fraud.

Maybe she would choose to not stay married to you if she knew you were still in your affair? you don't have a right to deny her that choice about her own life. To trick her into staying married to you is cruel, dangerous and manipulative.

You are treating your wife like a PET by denying her the facts she needs to make informed choices about her life.

No, no tricking going on.
In fact my wife has always been the one in the past who has said she wants to continue to work this out... even when I have leaned towards leaving.

So I am sure that when I commit to myself and to her to commit to working this out she will be more than on board with it.

Well why didn't you say so? You said it was impossible and not even a consideration. Maybe right now you think it's not possible for 3 months, 6 months or a year...but what would the process of finding a another great job like this one look like [remembering time is of the essence and you've already used up a lot of your wife's lovebank on the fake recoveries the last two years...pretty soon she's gonna be done with YOU...so we need to help you with a successful plan ASAP]

Step One:

Just tell your wife everything tonight including who the OW is. You'll be more accountable if and when she knows EVERYTHING.

Then come back here and we'll try to help you from that point.

Mr. Wondering

Talk is cheap. You commit adultery and lie to your wife. We did not do that to your wife, you did.

Your actions show you care about your AFFAIR, not your wife. Your actions tell the truth about you really care about. You don't fool anyone.

There's no maybe about it. This IS the best place for you to help YOU save your marriage. Right now, I DO believe that we care more for your wife and your marriage because we want to end her needless suffering at YOUR hand.

So, will you go tell your wife about OW? Who OW is? What is suggested in MB? About MB, and this thread?

Yes, you have tricked her by withholding the truth from her. She stays in the marriage because she does not have the facts about her own life. They are being cruelly withheld from her.

Yes I agree the continued contact txting and emailing needs to be talked about and brought up.
And it will be tonight when we talk.
That will happen for sure.
And I realize that it has not been fair to her, what I have been doing. I see that clearly now.

that will be my basis for starting the path to recovering my marriage.

The rest will not be easy.....
And will require discipline....
I believe that my wife already knows who the OW is but will not say anything. She has hinted.... and all signs point to her knowing. which is why she has never asked... and has told me she doesnt want or need to know.
As I said... I have not said names to my wife...out of protecting the OW. Not out of protecting the affair or maintainig it.
Actually if anything you all have given me a bad taste in my outh towards the affair with the OW. And an actual anger towards myself for ever starting it in the first place.
Which also is fueling my desire to make this work.

ace, if you want to be taken seriously then go sit down your wife and tell her the complete truth. Tell her the name of the OW and everything about your affair. Tell her the affair continues. [which it does]

Then send her here so we can help her fix this marriage.

If you are serious about your MARRIAGE, you will do this. If you don't do this, it will be obvious to all that you are still protecting this wh*re. At your wife's expense.

Tell your wife the full truth. Stop protecting the OW at your wife's expense. Your wife has a right to know her name, phone #, occupation, history, and every detail about the affair.

You have protected the OW instead of your marriage.

That is the first step towards recovery. Lets see how serious you really are.

Yes a job change.... I would rather not consider it.
However if it is needed.... it could take upwards of 6 to 8 months to completely make it happen.
At least to be able to maintain what we have now.
Point is the job I have now...is as good as jobs get...and the best I have ever had.
And I was stupid...and am frustrated for what I have allowed to happen...and to continue to happen.
The fact taht I enjoy the job is incintive to work hard to keep all this other stuff from continuing.

I am serious about saving my marriage.
that much is clear to me.
And I know that the truth is the way to the end result that I am looking for.
So I will start there with bringing up what has been going on.
It will be late when we talk.... as we have to wait for our kido to go to sleep.
And there will be time between when my wife gets home from work after 6 and when we can talk.
So we have to exist together before we talk.... I will have time to think through what I want to say and how.

If you are serious, you will find another job. There is no little job that should come before your marriage. As long as you continue to work with the OW, you will be perpetually triggered and your wife will not be safe with you.

As you have seen, it does not work.

But first things first. Your wife has to know the full truth about what you are doing to her behind her back.

I would be prepared to hand over your cell phone and your email passwords and letting her read your texts and emails with skanky. She has a right to read each and every word. EVery detail about your affair is a detail about HER LIFE.

Are you prepared to do all this? Are you serious about saving your marriage?

I will also have tomorrow to see how things are going.
She is not working tomorrow. So we are both off, the only limitation to open talking is that our kido is home as well.

We have both agreed that when we hve these types of talks that we save our kido from them as much as possible.

So we do not talk in front of her.

But tomorrow we will for sure go to church in the morning as we customarily do as a family.
Then most likely breakfast after.
And home to hang out.
Of course that is all dependant on the conversation tonight.

That is a good first start. I would be prepared to tell her everything this time. She has to know everything, especially the identity of the OW and that she works with you. Answer every one of her questions fully and completely.

And DON'T go erase your texts and emails tonight. Honesty is honesty. Hand her your cell phone and show her the texts. Show her all of your emails and hand over the passwords.

Yes I am serious.... and will tell her the necessary details.
Or details that she wants to know.

She has told be before that she is not a cell phone browser...
If she asked yes I would hand it to her....
but there are not any conversations on it....
I have always deleted the messages and emails completely our of embarrassment for doing what I was doing.
And my inhability to stop doing what I was doing.

In that case, I would tell your daughter in the morning. Tell her about the affair, who it is with, and explain to her that you are working things out with her mother. Giving her false explanations for the source of tension in the home just teaches her to be dishonest. This is something that very much affects her life too.

I will be proud of you if you really follow through and do this. If you are serious, we will be your GREATEST SUPPORTERS.

Here is Dr. Bill Harley's advice on telling children:

All are always erased.
In fact even the emails from yesterday are gone.

and there have been none today because I requested of the OW that we have no contact this weekend and none over the next several days after this weekend.
So I can clear my head...and so I can focus on what I have in my marriage this weekend, while my wife and I talk.

And the OW has respected my request.
She even told me the last time we talked that she would respect my decision if I decided to really work on my marriage and sever contact with her ( OW ).

Yes I read that article by Dr H.
And I am aware that I have been hurting my daughter as well.

However, believe it or not, I asked my wife before what we should tell our daughter.

She said she did not want her to know.... and we would just tell her that we are working through some problems.
( NO I am not lying about that )
That is what my wife wants.

Tell her all the details about the affair, the OW's name, etc. Whether she wants to know or not. More sordid details like sexual positions, etc, should be at her discretion.


Don't wait to be asked. Hand her the phone and show her the texts. Again, this is intel about HER LIFE.


Then you can buy a retrieval stick and retrieve all the deleted texts. She has to see them.


I would figure out a way to get them. And be prepared to hand her your email passwords, etc.

Do you have a copy of your cell phone bill? I would get that and show it to your wife.

It does make me feel better to hear you say you will be my largest supporter if after tonight and the talks of today and tomorrow things are gone through with.

I guess the earlier non support was necessary to get me to this point.... and I honestly was starting to wonder how any of that was helping me.... felt like I was being attacked rather than helped.