If you mean a keylogger, eblaster makes a good one that sends reports to an email address and can be monitored from a remote computer given the correct login and password.

If you did install it, you would ask your husband to change the password so that you could not access the program.

Food for thought, glad to hear that you're doing well and working to get this turned around.

Thanks for the suggestion-will check that one out. I had tried desktopshark, but it wasn't working(may have been operator error). I was thinking that it was sort of stupid that I had access to it. We'll get it figured out tomorrow when I get home.

Sooo...speaking of internet tracking programs. It came out tonight in conversation with BH, that the little 'porn issue' is still in fact an issue. Apparently, he's still been watching somewhat regularly in the past year and half since I first found out. I never asked him, never snooped, b/c I trusted him to tell me. He had said he thought about telling me right after I fessed up about A, just to hurt me, but didn't want to do that. And then said he didn't see the point in telling me, b/c there wasn't a future w/us anyway.

In no way am I comparing porn to what I've done. Or saying it's an excuse/reason for what I did.

Just sharing, because now that's another issue we face- it is really hurtful to me, b/c I've never really felt that he found me all that attractive. As he told me a few months ago, when we first met and he was telling his friends about me, he'd say, "She's not the hottest girl I've ever dated, but...."

It must have been my sparkling personality...or my big boobs.

Anyway- as I said before, I'm not comparing or excusing anything. Just wanted to share

On a more positive note...Steve wants to talk to both of us together, and BH said he's game and is going to make appt for Friday or next week. Steve told us both he doesn't recommend living apart, so BH is taking that into serious consideration. Flying back home tomorrow, and I am seriously excited to see BH in the morning. He is not as excited, but I plan on ignoring that....

looking forward to your next post! have a safe flight.

I'd let Steve handle the porn issue. As you suggested, your bringing it up with him is likely to have "well you had an affair" tossed back at you. You need that third party or referee handy.

But I wouldn't spring it on your husband during the joint counseling, either. I'd ask Steve (in private) how to proceed because if your husband feels ganged-up on, then he's more likely to shut down and you'll get nowhere.

Doro, how was the homecoming? Thinking about you guys...update us when you can.

Hey there, thanks for asking. It was pretty good, relatively speaking. We ate meals together and talked, did a devotional together. I've just been trying to meet his EN, which he is allowing to an extent.

He initiated SF a few times, but made it clear that it was only b/c we are still married and he can't go anywhere else right now. He still feels very negative about me, and said, "at best I feel neutral". That definitely hurt A LOT, and all I could say is, 'thank you for not going elsewhere'.

He left yesterday to head out to the wilderness to play with his guy friends until monday. So I'm just hanging out with the dog. HNHN arrived in the mail today, so it looks like my saturday evening activity is planned.

I met with an IC on Thursday (my pastor wanted me to meet with her, and I said I was skeptical, but said I'd give it a try). I was pretty clear that I wasn't there to focus on our M (I kept bringing up MB) or my past so much as changing myself/restoration/redemption kind of stuff. So we'll see how that works out.

Really? That sounded pretty good to me.

My feelings for my WH are highly negative - not neutral at all. Yet this still doesn't rule out recovery. Because no matter what my feelings now I know MB and lovebanks can be rebuilt from any point.

To say he's already at neutral - a good starting point when you have barely started yet sounded pretty good to me.

The way I wrote it is confusing, sorry- the part that hurt was knowing he didn't really want the SF with me, but didn't have any other options.

The neutral part is good (although, it was 'neutral at BEST'), but he still feels very negative in regards to me/us. He told me he wasn't saying any of that to hurt me, but just so I didn't think it was more than it was.

Doro, I think you are doing pretty good. My BH told me last July that I make him "nauseous" and the only things he feels towards me are "hate" and "anger." This was at 18 months out from d-day. No indication that those sentiments have changed. Neutral would be a big improvement for me.

Seriously, you're home, you are talking, you are having SF, and he's agreed to counseling w/Steve. That is huge!!! Lots of positives in your sitch.

BTW, you did the right thing by thanking him as you did. Thank him for his honesty. Do better at this whole thing than I did, OK?

DoroM, from a betrayed man's point of view he's in self preservation mode right now. You let him down in the most horrible way you could and he doesn't even know how to act with you. He's devastated, but he still looks to you for his creature comforts. That shows me just how much he truly does love you. He's just having a very difficult time wrapping his arms around being able to trust you again. Trust takes a long time to build, but can be destroyed in a nanosecond.

This is where you are right now. You brought this on yourself, and of course, you realize it. Someone said to you earlier that you had come a long way since you first landed here, and I agree completely. You are to be applauded for your efforts and remorse, but that doesn't matter in his eyes at the moment. To quote the military folks on the board, it's now time to embrace the suck.
Right now, it's all about him and meeting his EN's, and if you make the efforts to meet those needs properly, then you will see him starting to reciprocate. He's reaching from a dark place in hell, but he is reaching.

And he's reaching for you.

WPG, I'm so sorry- that makes my heart hurt for you. When I think about how hard this is/will be, I think about you and how you are still sticking it out, and I am encouraged.

TigerWes,I've embraced the suck...along with the no expectations. So much so, that I was actually pleasantly (and I use the word 'pleasant' in a relative sense), surprised by the fact I was actually able to start meeting his ENs. I guess I don't really see that as sucky. My biggest fear was that I would get home and wouldn't even be able to see him, much less meet his ENs. Every little thing he allows me to do, I'm really thankful for.

My side plan is to just keep printing out a whole bunch of questionaires for him, till the printer runs out of ink again (when he originally went to print out divorce papers, printer ran out of ink, so it delayed him by quite a bit, and as far as I know he still hasn't- he said, 'maybe that's a sign from God')

Oh- I forgot to add to my update post. OMW finally messaged BH back on facebook-she hadn't seen the message until recently. That is the first she had heard about A.

printer ran out of ink...maybe that's a sign from God

Your job is to take the "maybe" out of his opinion in this matter!

I don't even know where to start. BH got home late last night from his trip, and we laid in bed and talked for like an hour and half, just about our weekends and stuff. This morning, we had breakfast, did some devotionals, SF, sort of hanging out- and I was feeling so encouraged b/c it seemed like he could stand hanging out with me.

Then we started talking. There were a few things I had wanted to tell him about A- I had been waiting for him to bring stuff up, but he hadn't. So I told him-not necessarily big issues, just stuff that I wanted to get out there. I didn't know if I should've brought it up, but at the same time I wanted to be O&H- was really the only last things on my mind that I thought I should tell him.

Then I could barely hold it together. He says he thinks about filing for D every day. That he doesn't even like me. That I'm an awful person, and he doesn't see a future for us. That our marriage was a disaster (this is true) and it would be better to just start fresh with someone else, b/c he's never going to be able to trust me again. And he's just tired and doesn't want to have to deal with this anymore.

Not a whole lot I could say to all that, except that I do see a future for us, and that I love him, and that's all I want to do- is to love him and help him heal. He sees things I'm doing differently r/t Plan A/meeting his EN, and he says he feels like he's being manipulated. That it makes him angry sometimes when I show him affection. He's not sure about our living situation right now (Steve told us he doesn't recommend separating, BH isn't so sure) and that he felt sick to his stomach when he was on his way home last night.

There was so much else said that causes me to lose hope. I know that this is a rollercoaster, but I guess I just had to share what was happening.

When he said he'd never be able to trust me again, he was talking about being with someone else he could trust, and he said even though Steve Harley told him he'd be dealing with trust issues with anyone else, BH doesn't know if he believes him.

I've been telling him about any interactions with guys like at church, etc, and how I've been very careful in the way I interact with them. I'm a naturally outgoing person, so I've caught myself from asking questions, that are completely innocent (like "when did you move here? etc)- but that I don't really need to be involved in any kinds of conversations.

I guess it seems like he thinks it's stupid that I have to 'be aware of those interactions' and why I can't just protect myself from cheating. I said, that was me protecting myself. He doesn't think it's natural, and/or sustainable.

Doro,

Stay positive. My H and I had the same kinds of conversations that you are having now - and we had been married more than 25 years. I not only felt nauseous, but frequently vomited in the early days. I thought about filing for divorce for many, many months.

I don't think it was a good idea to bring up items about the affair. Look at what happened. You were having a pleasent morning then ruined it by talking about painful stuff that he had not even asked about. For a long time, it seemed as though the only conversational topics my H and I could share were about the weather and the dog. And I didn't laugh for a long time.

I think you are experiencing the normal rollercoaster. And you are doing the right things with the EPs. After a while, they will just become habit. And habits are natural and sustainable.

AM

Then we started talking. There were a few things I had wanted to tell him about A- I had been waiting for him to bring stuff up, but he hadn't.

Uhhh, I think Dr. NG wrote you a prescription for "Let BH take the lead", taken daily, right? Now you know why. Oh, well, spilt milk....

He says he thinks about filing for D every day. That he doesn't even like me. That I'm an awful person, and he doesn't see a future for us. That our marriage was a disaster and it would be better to just start fresh with someone else, b/c he's never going to be able to trust me again. And he's just tired and doesn't want to have to deal with this anymore...That it makes him angry sometimes when I show him affection. He's not sure about our living situation right now

Okay, you have established a baseline. It would be unlikely, unless you were the world's worst EN-supplier, for BH to go any lower...and he's STILL HOME...unless he leaves. Work hard to ensure he doesn't get enough of a sulk on to actually leave.

He sees things I'm doing differently r/t Plan A/meeting his EN, and he says he feels like he's being manipulated.

Your goal is to change his impression from "manipulated" to "appreciated". Tell him that, straight out, if you have to.

There was so much else said that causes me to lose hope. I know that this is a rollercoaster, but I guess I just had to share what was happening.

Every day you wake up in the same home is a "chit" on your side of the ledger. Don't waste a one!

I know!!!!!! And I was going back and forth about sharing anything b/c we were having such a nice morning(IMO), but the thing that convinced me, was b/c earlier- I had been waiting for him to ask me questions about everything, so I hadn't told him that OM had a little girl. Then he found that out when I gave him the info to facebook OMW. And I think he thought I was hiding that intentionally. And I didn't want that to happen again. So, I sucked it up, knowing it would probably ruin the day. Now there is nothing else that I feel like I need to tell him(obviously, he has to decide what he wants to know-and I'll answer), so I can take the advice of the good Dr. NG and not bring it up.

The entire day may not have been ruined- he has to go in to work for a bit, but asked if I might want to see a movie later. (I know that doesn't 'count' as UA, but I'll take whatever I can get).

ArmyMama- Is it bad to say that makes me feel better that you said all those same things, even after 25 years of marriage? I know from our short length of time married, no kids, we are in a different(disadvantageous) position than many people here. But I truly believe we could have such a wonderful future together, and I love him so incredibly much that I just have to look at the small positives and cling to them.

Doro,

Nope, it is not bad. That is why I told you about them. And for us, what we finally started to focus on was the vision of what our marriage could be and that when we were old, we would die in each other's arms. That said, we (I) often lost focus. I often pulled back to be cautious and triggered over all kinds of things. Dr. Harley has said when that happens, look for the reason in the present and eliminate that reason.

Guess I don't understand why you brought up OM's child. Why would your husband care, other than to highlight that OM is a POS, which wasn't any new news? NG, is so correct. Let H take the lead, especially about anything affair related. At the same time, whatever he asks, answer it fully and above all else, truthfully.

AM