In my marriage I am the WS. We began dating in May of '97. We moved to Alabama that Fall and moved in together. We were married the following year in Aug '98. A year later I began having an affair with the Coke guy that came in the store I worked in. We would email, talk on the phone, and on some of the days he would come in the store I would follow him to a certain place and we would have sex in his work van on my lunch break. We were together this way approx 13 times over a year. During this year my husband and I were trying to conceive. I look back now and realize exactly how stupid I was being...for obvious reasons, but also b/c we didn't use protection. I could have became pregnant. Anyway, the A ended June of 2000. It was the last time I was with him. My husband found a couple of emails and questioned me about them but of course I lied. I knew if he knew the truth he would leave me and I didn't want to lose him. So, for 12 years I have kept this a secret and when BH would ask me about it...just out of the blue...I would continue to lie.
Fast forward 12 years and 2 children later... Christmas Eve 2011. We were laying in bed...my husband mentioned the OM again...and it was crazy but I had an overwhelming feeling to tell my BH everything. He was okay at first. I eased into it. I didn't lay it all out there at first b/c I didn't know how he would respond... I didn't tell him how many times it happened or exactly how long. I was still extremely terrified. After I told him, he told me that for about 6 weeks...about 4 times... he slept with a long time friend hoping it would make him feel better about my lying to him. He knew I was lying all this time and resented me for it. He just couldn't prove it and I wasn't coming clean. Anyway...I wasn't really shocked and I felt like I deserved it.
So...a little later on he asked me for a timeline... I did my best. It was hard b/c it was so long ago. After I gave it to him he sunk into a deep depression...uncontrollably crying, constant questions, txts from the time I got up till the time I left work...it was really hard for him (and Me). He ended up having to get on antidepressants to stop the crying and to be able to function. I feel so terrible for hurting him the way I have. We are 9 weeks out from the night I told him. It's some better but not much. We began MC a few weeks ago. We have been twice and I think it will be good for us. We have also both read books and read posts in forums online. I am doing all I can to try to help him. I have had 12 yrs to come to terms with what I did. God has dealt with me and I know I'm forgiven by God, but my BH said he doesn't know if he will ever be able to forgive me. He has also started checking all of my emails, facebook, txt msgs, phone calls, etc... when he didn't do it for the last 12 yrs. It's frustrating but I'm trying to do what he needs me to do.
BUT...one thing that is really upsetting to me is that he did it too and he is acting like what he did is nothing like what I did. He is saying that there were no emotions involved and it only happened a few times for 6 weeks. I get so frustrated when he says that b/c infidelity is infidelity whether it's one time or one hundred times. UGH.
I'm just to that point where I don't know what to do anymore. I am exhausted. It's the same questions every day...like why, how could I have done it so long, how could I have done it so easily... I have answered him over and over and over... but it's not good enough. I love him more than anything and I want to work things out b/w us, but I don't see him getting any better and it scares me. I don't want my boys to have to live with divorced parents...not when my husband and I still love each other. I am doing everything I can...everything he needs me to do. I tell him how very much I love him and how much he means to me. I just don't know what to do anymore...
Does anyone have any advice on how to help my BH get through this and be able to start moving forward? I'd love any advice from any of you who have been on either side in this situation. Thanks so much!!

Do you say things like this to rape victims? To parents who have lost a child? I am somewhat amazed at how callous and cruel you are about this. The man has just been delivered a blow that is as traumatic as the death of a child, a physical assault or a rape and you want him to get over it?

FOR REAL?

Not only did you commit adultery, you lied to your husband and played trickle truth cat and mouse games with him for YEARS. So he not only has to heal from your adultery but he has to deal with the cruelty of lying all these years.

Do you seriously believe people just "get over" that?

Now that I am over the shock of the callousness and cruelty of your post, I am going to give you advice that MAY save your marriage.

First off, stop being cruel and callous. Be kind and compassionate to your victim. Stop telling him to "get over it" until he stops bleeding on the floor. It will take a few YEARS for your husband to get over what you have done. Stop telling him to "get over it" and most of all, stop whining about him checking your facebook, emails, etc.

He should have been doing that all along and you should gladly have him check anything. You are not a safe person, so having him check everything will help restore trust. The more checking up he does, the more reassured he will feel. You should want that.

I would get the book, Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley and follow the program in there. It is a completely different program than any other because it effectively restores the romantic love in a broken marriage. No other program does that.

In the meantime, I would watch this video: How to Survive Infidelity

And read this article about forgiveness. You sure talk alot about "forgiveness" but don't talk about how to EARN it. Forgiveness is not an entitlement for wayward wives. It has to be EARNED. Dr Harley talks about how to earn it in a way that will restore the love to your marriage: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

I would print this article up for him and explain that forgiveness is unwarranted. What is warranted is Just compensation. Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

I have no idea why you would be "frustrated" with him checking your emails, facebook, etc. Being transparent is part of a healthy marriage. He should know everything you do. You should have no problem with any of this.

Broken Angel,
Your post makes me very thankful that my POSOM told my husband about the affair.

I can't imagine keeping that secret for 12 years.

Now listen, people are going to come down hard on you on this sit but LISTEN to what they say. Try not to get defensive. It's difficult, I know.

The problem is is that your husband "knew" all along but didn't have proof. Now his nightmare has become a reality. That's not an easy blow to take.

He is showing you he wants to work it out by going on anti-depressants and not using his "get out of jail free" card.

You've had 12 years to deal with your own infidelity. Give him a lot of time.

I understand your frustration in that he had an affair, too. I agree with you that an affair is an affair..........
However, what you have to keep in mind is that we all deal differently with what life throws at us.

He is not dealing well with your infidelity. His mind is making him depressed. He's imagining you with this "coke guy" and it's bringing him down.

You, on the other hand, are dealing ok with his infidelity. Not sure why.....but you are.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you have to let him grieve the loss of what he thought your relationship was. Once he does this, then he'll come to accept that you can have an even better relationship but ONLY IF YOU WORK THE MB PROGRAM!

Keep searching. There HAS to be a post on here similar to yours. Someone will come forward but don't give up!
CT

Yes you have had an affair that started in 1999 and ended after one year. What is twelve years old news to you is brand new to your BH.

How long did it take to get over your OM, to forgive yourself, supress memories of the OM?

I sure you needed more then nine weeks.

Do you not realize that you have just told him that he may not be the father of his children?

Do you understand that?

Do you realize that he now knows that he was struggling to conceive a child with you, only to find out you were having sex with another man the whole time?

And that, perhaps, there are even more men? You are obviously a proven liar about it.

I don't think you grasp the magnitude of what you've actually told him.

Thanks for the replies everyone...

Alis: I totally understand the magnitude of what I have told him. I know he will struggle with this for a long time. I just could not keep it from him any longer. And as for my kids... they are both my husband's. There was a paternity test done. I am an open book now. There were never any other men...just the one (which was one too many).

Comedytragedy: Thanks for the post. I am trying to be open minded about the posts I read. I am needing advice so I will hafta take the good with the bad. I know he is going to need lots of time. Oh, and the reason I am not as upset about his affair is because I guess I feel as though I deserved it... and I did. I love my husband so much and I just don't want to lose him.

Melodylane: I must thank you for your posts. I was indeed wanting to lash out at first, but I read the advice you gave and I do appreciate it. I do want to clear one thing up with you though. I have never told him to "get over it"...Ever. I never will. It's not something he will ever "get over". I believe he will only learn to "get past" it. It will always be there. I am only asking for advice on how I can "help him"...so someday (hopefully) we can move forward and start again. I'm not being cruel and callous. I didn't think I was anyway. I'm sorry if you took the things I said that way. And I wasn't whining about him checking my FB and emails, etc... I don't mind at all. I am willing to whatever it takes to help my husband. I do want to thank you for the advice and the suggestions for me to read and watch...and to give him to read. I will definitely do that. I hope you will continue to advise me. You seem very insightful on these things I need to be doing. Thanks again.

I have changed so much since the A and the birth of my kids. I have become extremely close to God and he is my rock. I love my husband more deeply than I ever thought I could. He is my best friend. I pray every day for peace for him...

BA, your urgency to "move forward" is the same as telling him to "get over it." Not understanding why he is still devastated a few short weeks after D-Day indicates you don't understand the gravity of what you have done. And from this post it is clear to me you still don't get it. I fully understand what you meant, the only one who is confused is you. You don't understand that your urgency and "frustration" to sweep this all under the rug is very cruel and callous.

And your expressed "frustration" over his checking your FB and emails is just as alarming. Can you imagine how upsetting it would be for him to hear about your frustration about his need for transparency? He has just been hit by a MACK truck and you are "frustrated" that he wants to protect himself? That is very inappropriate.

If he had been checking up you all along you wouldn't have been able to carry on an affair in the first place. He now understands that his blind trust was foolish.


Perhaps in the future, but a person who commits such a crime and then lies about it for 12 years has not changed. Yet you only just now repented [turned away from your sin]. God forgives those who repent. You did not do that until you told your husband the truth. So, I don't see how you changed at all since your adultery.

Did you read the article I posted titled Can't We Forgive and Forget?

I'm the BS in this situation and don't know what to do. Yes I cheated but is nowhere on the same level as her unfaithfulness. Here's the situation:
1. She started the physical affair 1 week after our 1 year anniversary
2. She had only know the guy 3 weeks(actually if you wanna be detailed he came in the store twice a week for 3 weeks less than an hour each time.)
3. It only took him asking her 1 time to go meet
4. She was off the pill that entire year because we were trying to conceive
5. She let the physical affair happen a whole year and only stopped because she got scared when I found an email
6. She lied about if for 12 years

No how am I suppose to believe he was the only one when it happened so easily and so long?

I really don't know what to do

Firstly, you should start your own thread. Stay off each other's threads, please. It's easier to help you both that way. Have you read through the site? Click on the link in my siggy for newly betrayed to help guide you through this site.

Welcome, and I am sorry you are here.

Yes, please start your own thread.

We can help you!

Both of you should listen to the MB radio show from today. It talks a lot about resentment and rebuilding trust.