Hello everyone! This is my 1st post. I've just discovered my husband having an affair for more than 4 years last November. Since our marriage we've been living separately coz my husband was working in Brunei while I was working in Sabah, Malaysia. I'd stayed with my in-laws. I discovered the affair by checking on his hand phone sms while i visited him in Brunei. When I question him, he denied it. Then i started checking his bedroom chest & to my surprised he started dating the woman in 2008. He kept all the cinema tickets, amusement park tickets,jewelry receipts & even a box of condoms. We've had a sexless marriage for 4 years. After all these years he lied to me saying that he can't have sex with me but still can have affairs with other woman. He said it was a love at first sight thing. He said I'll never understand his feelings. Coz I've never experience love at first sight. He even gave my phone number to the other woman. When the woman knows that I've discovered their affairs , she keep insisting on meeting me. She even sent me sms saying that she won't let go of my husband. Right now my husband treated me coldly. He won't discuss his affair with me. My husband keep asking me to go back to Sabah. Stop ruin his life here in Brunei. I ask him what was his solution to this affair, he just reply me - 2 choice : 1) he want both me & the other woman; 2) he want to just run away & leave both me & the woman behind & go somewhere far where he won't see us crying over him. Does it means he is forcing me to accept the woman & let him carry on his affair? I told him I'm going to keep on staying in Brunei & starts finding a job here. So I can stay by his side in order to save our marriage. He just keep quiet & continue to treat me coldly, no hugs & kisses. He even condemn me saying i don't have a curvy looks. What should i do in order to break his relationship with the other woman? I even suggested counselling. Sometimes he even answers the other woman call right in front of me. I felt so confuse, lost, desperate, sad & etc. I've been searching high & low for counselling website now.

You don't say how old you are?
If you every had kids together?
How long have you been married?
How long apart?
Why did you agree to live apart for marriages are known to not survive when spouses live apart?
Where are your parents, do they know, what did they say?
Do WH's parents know and what action are they taking?

Depending on these answers youy maybe better off divorced.

Su, welcome to MB. I think you have a good chance to not just run off the other woman (abbreviated to OW) but also to make your marriage happy and strong, but only if you follow MarriageBuilders (MB) and what the veterans say. I am not a vet but here are my thoughts.

By the way, if you get confused with acronyms, check out

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1984040#Post1984040

First, you need to familiarise yourself with the MB website, if you haven't already, and you should order Surviving an Affair and perhaps also LoveBusters.

The positive signs in your situation are that he wants both you and OW, and that you have told him that you are staying in Brunei and living in the marital home.

You and your H committed the cardinal mistake of living apart. This is what weakened your marriage and allowed OW to insert herself.

You need urgently to build up your account in his LoveBank. The way you do this is by meeting his emotional needs (ENs), especially the four top intimate needs - affection, sexual fulfillment (SF), recreational companionship, and conversation. You need to do this while NEVER LoveBusting (no angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, selfish demands). This is called Plan A.

Since OW has been part of the picture for a long time, you're going to have to plan A for as long as you can. You need to build up a big fat balance in his LoveBank.

OW will find this very threatening and her angry responses may well drain her account in your H's Lovebank.

Start off by saying to your H that you are going to fight for your marriage, that you love him, and you are staying. Tell him - politely and respectfully - that it is not appropriate for him to take calls from the OW. Ignore insulting stuff like the curvy comment - all wayward spouses say stuff like this.

You will also need to expose the affair to your family, his family, and OW's family, his friends, and perhaps his employer as well (do OW and your H work together?). I'm wondering if you should do this straight away or whether you should build up your account in his LB first. I'll leave this to the vets to decide.

You've come to the right place, Su.

We have been married for 8 years now. Don't have children yet. My husband don't want to have children. I've already expose the affair to my family and 2 of his colleague. He doesn't want me to expose his affair to his family members. He met the other woman while going to a foot spa. The woman worked at the foot spa. A foreigner from China. According to my H, she's a divorcee with a child but the child follow her husband. My H said he's not seeing her recently but still answering her calls & sms. I did told him how much I love him & wanted our marriage to work out. I even told him that I'm searching for counselling website, just so that i know how to deal with my own emotions. I'm always trying my best to have a discussion with him in a very calm manner. Currently I'm reading a book - The Language of Sex by Dr. Gary Smalley & Ted Cunningham. Definitely I'll get a copy of Surviving an Affair. I'm now also trying my best to get him to speak out his heart. Thanks for all the advice.

DEFINITELY expose the affair to his family before he has time to spin you as a crazy shrew!

Do you think exposing his affair to his family will help? How to expose the affair to the ow family & friends? I don't even know where she work. My H is covering her up. He's afraid I'll go & slap her in the face. I was thinking of reporting to the Brunei labor & immigration of prostitution activity but i have no idea where the ow works. My H show me some bank-in slips which he help the woman to bank-in her salary. Then it's a fail plan. What should I do next? My H still want to kick me out of Brunei. Even if i find job, he wouldn't care a bit. He even threaten me, if i find job here in Brunei then he would go back to Malaysia to starts a business. I ask when, he can't answer me. I ask how long does he want me to wait for him. He said if we destine to be together, he will come back some day. He said just wait who die first; he or the ow. I feel like there's no hope for this marriage to even work.

That's why you should DEFINITELY expose to his family. That's clearly something that will help him get out of his affair fog.

Try Facebook.


Many waywards do this - they see their BS as the enemy because the BS is threatening to the affair. You must keep saying that you are fighting for your marriage (but abstain from LoveBusting).


Keep your dignity but make things very unpleasant for her.


Good plan to contact the Brunei authorities. You said she worked at a foot spa? Can you go there and ask where she is?


Not sure what this means


Expose to family.
Expose to anyone else you can think of
Stay smiling and nice


You're his wife, can he do that?


He's not going to go to Malaysia! That's an empty threat!


You're not going to WAIT for him, you're going to FIGHT for your marriage, right? You're taking action. Make that clear to him - in a kind and respectful way.

Don't listen to a word he says - all waywards lie, they say mean things to their BS, they convince themselves that their marriage was always rotten, they are angry and confused and feel bad and they would rather take it out on the BS than accept that they have behaved scurrilously. He's had some of his ENs met by OW for some time, it's an addiction that is as strong as drugs. But it can be broken. Exposure is your biggest weapon here.

Are you plan A-ing him?

Now he want me to meet the ow face to face to settle the affair for him to prove to him who love him more & to prove the the bible verses - love your enemy as yourself to be true .i.e. he want me to forgive the ow and befriend her. He said if i can convince the ow to let go then he'll let go of the relation. I'm really lost in words. What should i do now? Then I must go meet her. There were so many foot spa here in Brunei. I have no clue which foot spa he went to. He just won't give me any clue. He meeting her for lunch today. I'd check on his h/phone whatsapp message. Even getting the plan a works also difficult. He's kinda avoiding me. He don't talk much. Every night after dinner, back at the room he would watch tv till 2am than sleep. When his watching tv no talking allow & his back facing me. I'm not allow to have even body contact with him. When i kiss him goodnight only on the cheek not the lips either. If I can't even get plan A started, is it the end for my marriage?

Stop listening to him Jennifer! Waywards like to get drunk on the attention of having two women at once.

Having a showdown with her to show him who loves him most is a waywards dream!

Fight her off using exposure. Get all her friends and family on her case. Try the labour board - worth a go. Expose to his family immediately. He needs to find out who is running the show - you not him.

You should never believe a word a wayward says.They are drunk on the affair.

If he says he loves you - he means he loves attention. If he says he hates you it means he hates any interference in getting her attention. If he says he wants a divorce its an idle threat.

He will remain drunk and untrustworthy until the A is dead and the only way to do that is with a nuclear exposure to his folks - and hers

It's kinda hard for me to expose the ow affair to her family member & friends. Coz her family member were in China. I don't even know her work place. How to expose it to her friends. I don't even know what she looks like. I also felt that there's no need to meet her at all. My husband just hoping that i befriend her so that he can continue on with his double life. Every time if i discuss about his affair he would get angry with me. That's why now i don't discuss about it anymore. The ow still send him sms.

***EDIT***

A reminder to post only Marriage Builders advice or refrain from posting.

Last night, my H threaten me to leave Brunei the sooner the better. Otherwise he'll do something to me. I asked what's his plan to kick me out of Brunei & he replied just wait & see. It seems he have no plans to save our marriage. I was the only one who wanted to save the marriage. He've only plans how to carry on his affair with the OW. Maybe I should just carried out plan B. Write him a love letter & be gone. I've ordered the book surviving an affair & his needs,her needs. But the book store said it'll take a month to get here.

I don't think asking a bunch of [mostly] Americans what you should do about a thread of violence in Brunie is the wisest thing to do. We are spoiled by the rule of law here in the US and don't take idle threats that seriously (especially from a wayward that's just trying to manipulate you). However, we don't know what a husband can get away with in Brunie.

Personally...if you were my sister or daughter I'd be telling you to get the heck out of there. You can't make him try this way if he's not willing and it's sounding a bit risky. It's time to go home and either Plan B him or file for divorce and see if he's gonna come home and pursue reconciliation with you.

I wish I could help more but worry more for your safety. You've been apart from this man for FOUR years. I propose you don't know what the man is capable of anymore.

Mr. W

I'm not sure how urgent it is for you to leave, or how seriously you should take his threats, I am inclined to agree with Mr W. Why take the risk?

You can Plan A from a distance, too. You can skype, looking good and fulfilling some needs while telling him all about the lovely life he can have WHEN he ends his A.

Plan A is very short lived - just a few short weeks before you usher in Plan B. Plan B wil all the more efective long distance where he cannot reach you, so you should be making thoe plans anyway

Of course exposure is an essential part of Plan A. If you think his reaction to exposure will be violent or unsafe, maybe you should do this as part of a long distance Plan A.

Thank you for your concern. That's what i was planning to do now. Starts with plan B. Give him a love letter & be gone. My H is the very quiet type kind of person. He don't share or talk about his feelings very much. I've also lost in words trying to communicate with him. Yesterday I e-mail him something from save my marriage article regarding marriage commitment & companionship. I think he had much thought with the e-mail i sent him. But he didn't said anything about it.

I know he had a skype a/c but he denied it. Coz when the OW went back to China for the chinese new year celebration, she'd sms my H her skype a/c & he save it in his mobile phone. He didn't even gave me his skype a/c. I said i wanted to skype him when i'm back to Malaysia. He just keep quiet. Feels like I'm talking to the walls all the time.

Last night my H asked me out to watch Ghost rider. Probably the date meant nothing. Just now, I've just receive an sms to a job interview at tomorrow 1pm. I'm planning to go back to Malaysia by next monday evening flight.

You can't educate a wayward with articles Jennifer

And the whole 'talking to walls' feeling is very typical. He may or may not give you his skype account, waywards often use distance to help them deal with the guilt and because they are trying to make a choice.

The key is that you make it clear you are WILLING to meet needs - even if he doesn't let you do it.

Say you are willing to do it more so WHEN he ends his A.

Such as: 'I'll leave you my skype adress in case you need to talk' Just saying this sounds confident and meets a need for affection.

I wouldn't go into Plan B until you've exposed. Exposure is about asking people to help you fight for the M, and Plan B is the opposite of that, shutting yourself away from him.

Plan A until the moment you Plan B so as to leave him with a good impression