I have never posted before. I read on here a lot 5 years ago when my husband had an emotional affair. It was with a client - he remodels homes. He was very remorseful, crying a great deal over what he had done. I had never seen him cry before in our 25 years of marriage. He immediately quit seeing or talking to the OW. He also agreed to everything I asked to help me heal. We did not do professional counseling, but we did meet with our pastor twice. We read several books together, including Harley's Surviving an Affair and followed many of the recommendations. My husband was all-in, and in many ways our marriage was better than ever.
I did not heal completely; I always wondered if he loved her more, and that was really hard. But I figured that that was just the way it would be. A year after the affair, we went to Jamaica to renew our wedding vows. I have periodically checked his phone records since then, but have not been really worried about it.
Friday night I discovered that he has been talking to her by phone for 4 weeks. He had heard that her husband was dying, and called her to say he was sorry. They continued talking on the phone after her husband died 2 weeks ago. Of course, I am devestated. He does not want a divorce and again is willing to do anything I ask. We are starting professional counseling this week. I have told him that I don't know if I can stay married or not. He says that he is very scared of losing me, and I can see that in his eyes. He has shown a great deal of effort since Friday. He is again very remorseful and willing to do anything to save our marriage.
A year ago our 29 year old son moved home with many problems - alcoholic, no job, 2 DUIs, no drivers license, depressed, and broke. It has been difficult for us all. Since then my husband and I have had very little time alone, as we feel we need to hang out with him since he is home all of the time.
I am sure that I have not met my husband's emotional needs for awhile, although he has not said this.
Any advice? I would love to hear from WM that cheated while they loved their wives.

You need to move at least 1,000 miles away from the OW. For any success at recovery. You need new cell numbers, emails, and any other way to block OW.

Your son needs your support but not your sacrifice of your marriage.
Is he seeking help for his alcoholism? Is he still an active alcoholic?
You and your H need to go together to meetings for family members of alcoholics.

Routine polygraphs might be useful for you to keep H on task of no contact with OW.

My son is not drinking at this time and has not for at least 6 months. He has had counseling with a professional counselor that was required by the court and is going for weekly urine testing.
Thanks for the advice.

I understand about moving a long way away, but honestly, if he can't stay away from her, she can have him!
If he wants her at all, then I do not want him!

First of all, unless this counselor uses MB, I wouldn't bother. Marriage counselors typically do more damage than good, not understanding the dynamics of affairs and delving into problems of the past, which is a distraction from what you need to focus on and a good opportunity for the two of you to lovebuster each other...

Was this affair ever exposed? If so, to who?

The more people that know, the more eyes that are on the APs, the less likely the affair is to reignite.

How about OW, did you ever expose her on her side? Her folks, etc?

SBN, moving away is the equivalent of an alcoholic staying out of the bar. As long as he stays out of the bar he is not triggered as easily. It is important to remove as many triggers as possible. And sure, the alcoholic can drink again, but wouldn't you agree he is less likely to drink if he stays out of bars and removes the alcohol from his house? Check out these radio clips with Dr Harley addressing a very similar situation:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2716
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2717
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2718

Another way to stop this affair and keep it killed is exposure. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposing it everyone ruins the fantasy. The more people who know, the more ppl to hold him accountable. Read Dr Harley's suggestions about exposure of the affair: When Should an Affair Be Exposed?

That is scary. Marriage counselors have an 84% failure rate and actually have a higher personal rate than the general population. They have no idea how to save marriages and even less of an understanding of the dynamics of infidelity. They are destructive to marriages and are more often little more than divorce facilitators. Marriage Builders is completely different from traditional counseling. It has an actual plan to affair proof your marriage and restore the romantic love in your marriage. NO OTHER program can do that. You would be VASTLY better off using the free forums and the Surviving an Affair book.

This is a major problem. I don't know what the solution is but you two need to figure out something. Maybe getting out of the house for 3-4 dates a week while you figure out where your son can go.

In addition to implementing precautions to prevent the affair from reigniting, you two should be spending quality UA time (20+ hrs/week), and it should be away from your son. It should be the best hours of your week.

This maintains romantic love but also creates a compatible lifestyle, the goal being that you two spend all of your free time together so that it would be almost impossible for your WH to conduct an affair...

Then why are you here?

Call up the OW tell her come his clothes.

WS's are addicts. The brain chemistry triggers cravings the same way as in other any addict. Your WH is addicted to the OW. This is why WS's fall off the recovery wagon. You need to remove WH aource of addiction.

I find it interesting that you are willing to support your son in dealing with his addiction, but NOT support your WH by helping him end HIS addiction. Why do you think that is so?