Ah yes Grasshoppa...

It's all about self-preservation. The pros vs. the cons. I don't actually NEED to know, so why bother?

My initial thoughts WERE to ask the IM. That was my emotional reaction to it. When I thought about it logically(and in the middle of my answering GJM's post actually, see how even Newb's can help?), and with my Plan B hat on, I decided that it was better not getting dragged into the drama.

My life, day to day, is actually quite peaceful. It's funny that. I can't actually remember when my life wasn't filled with drama. Most likely Pre-A, but with history re-write, I can also pick out drama mama moments as well.

One thing I can say for certain is that I can tell which people in my life live lives FULL of drama, because when I am in contact with them, I get sucked in, and I don't like the way it makes me feel. Plan B has helped me recognize it, and pull away as much as I can from these types of people. See, Plan B helps in ALL facets of your life.

Now, to those of you, like GJM, who are fighting to Plan A fight, know that there is peace in Plan B, but there are also moments when you will look back on your Plan A and wish you could have done more, or something differently. Plan A your butts off so when these doubts creep in(as they will), we'll be able to point you to your threads and SHOW you how well you did. If you haven't done well enough yet, there's still time.

Scotty, I've never said this before to you personally (well on your thread anyway), but so sorry for what you've been through and the measures you're taking to protect yourself. I know I said something similar on G's thread, but just sayin'.

Nothing but respect for you from me.

I heard my name!

Well I am gearing up for Plan B, but I'm not ready just yet. I'll try not to be offended at being called a newb. Lol!

I actually first registered in 2001 when I got back from Australia. I can't remember my user name for the life of me.

No offense intended. Especially now that you have stated you originally registered in 01. I was just trying to encourage others, who may think that they don't have anything valuable to add, to go ahead and try. Believe me, if it's wrong, a vet will jump all over you, and you'll learn from it.

TigerWes, Thank you. Do you have a story? I would love to be able to read a thread about your journey.

Scotty, no, I don't have a thread. My journey to this place began as a personal quest to make myself a better person, a better man, and a better potential husband. Then the old boy started digesting all the incredible info on this site and was blown away. I'm not a bad guy...I just didn't know!

Thanks to this website, and people like you and all the others, I have an awareness now that I didn't possess before...sadly enough. Ohhhh, to only go back in time.

I don't want to waste board resources by posting my "story", but in the next couple of days I may work up a brief synopsis for your personal perusal.

But I truly am thankful for Dr. Harley, the MB concepts and for everyone's insight, knowledge, and perspectives on the SAA board.

Now, why am I still here? Good question!

I don't know the true answer to that. Do I want to educate people in my own little way to NOT make the same mistakes I did? Perhaps.

Does it make me feel good reading all these train wreck stories that bring back so much pain that I somewhat buried years ago? Definitely not.

But something draws me here...every damned day. When I figure out what it is, I'll let you know.

Because there are some great people here TW! People taking a stand against adultery and divorce. We are family oriented with great values. And the repentant waywards that turn themselves around become better people also. I may never leave this site. I'm on it all day every day.

G, I am constantly amazed at the collective wisdom that is willingly dispensed on this board. All the people that recovered, or even not recovered, still come back. It's mind boggling...but then again, it's not.

I guess you're right. No, check that..you are definitely right. When you find a place that espouses the same morals and values that you yourself embrace, it's kind of hard to just walk away from that.

I'm (like you) pretty sure I'll be around for a while as well

Hi Scotty - I read in another of your posts that your WH is still with OW after 4 years of A, 2 years from DDay.

Shouldn't their relationship expire by now?

I am so sorry if bringing this up hurts you (last thing in the world I would want to do).

I am just trying to understand and prepare for what seems a likely outcome in my case.

Yes, it is true that my WH and OW are still together. I don't know when the actual A began. I had an initial DDay about an EA in Nov 07, when I received an anonymous phone call from my a co-worker of my WH and OW. I was gaslighted. I got the "We're just friends" speech. I do firmly believe that the PA started some time AFTER this initial DDay.

I had a very rough 2 years until I found MB and began posting here. I committed a HORRENDOUS amount of LBs. I went through a lot of emotional damage. I almost became convinced that it was MY insecurities, and MY fault that my marriage was going down the crapper. Now, I KNOW different.

As I entered Plan B, I had some real hope that my WH would be like the majority, and end his affair more quickly. He is a stubborn stubborn man. He is also a man who ignores what bothers him in hopes that it goes away. I do not know where my story will lead me, and what will become of my marriage in the end, but I do KNOW that I did EVERYTHING that I could possibly do.

I still get doubts creeping in at times. Especially as I help others through Plan A and Plan B. I feel like I could have done something differently, or better, but that is not good for me, and more recovery, so I talk my doubts away. Sometimes, it helps me to re-read my thread. I remember the pain while reading those words, because I am so far removed from it now. I have real joy in my life.

I do have a date, where if my WH doesn't file for a D, I will, but I am unwilling to share it, in case I want to do it before that date. I figure that as long as things are progressing for me, and I am moving towards having a completely healed heart, I am doing what is right for me.

Do not ever worry about asking me a question, I find that many times, answering these very questions help me in so many ways. I thank you.

Thank you, Scotty. Thanks for sharing, and thanks for all your support through this process!

This morning, this is my status on FB. �When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.�
― Mahatma Gandhi

I thought it might be helpful to some posters in despair.

I have been having some low thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, it's quite lonely in Plan B. I think my Taker is rearing its ugly head. Let's see if I can fix that. I put nail polish on my finger nails yesterday, because they had been bare for MONTHS. Hmmmmm, what else should I do? Any suggestions?

what color?
I think it's time to read a new book, explore something new, drive a different way, so something you don't normally do or how you do it.......
Open your mind up to new and exciting possibilities......

Scotland what part of ontario?
I am in the london area............
jessi

Scotty ~

When I encounter difficult emotional, physical, mental & spiritual difficulties, I have found that ministering to others helps me. My favorite "ministry" is preparing dinner for a family that is struggling in some way... It is amazing how God places people in my heart who need to receive a blessing from Him "through" me. By doing this, I also receive a blessing from God. It helps me... I have also been given the opportunity to do other things, such as cleaning someone's house, doing someone's laundry, mowing people's lawns, picking up children, taking people to a doctor appointment, washing someone's car... The list goes on and on... I have always been on the receiving end of God's blessings when I take my mind off of "me" and seek ways to help "others"...

Blessings ~

Hi Scotty,

I have never posted to you but I have followed your story from the beginning and have always felt that your situation was closer to mine than many others I have read here and hence my interest.
Nor do I and WH actually refused to admit the A or say anything about it so I went to plan B back in 2004 (26th december) and have barely had contact with him since, partly due to the fact that since my DDs were young adults already, there was no need.

Since you posted the link to an answer Dr. H gave to an e mail question I asked, I have felt that you were also in the same mindset I was and I considered writing to you.

I am not divorced, WH still lives with OW and they have a 1 year old child so in that sense nothing has changed.

I am normally happy and lead a full life, I count the minutes of the day and the night because I am normally enjoying them so much and yet, as I told Dr. H a couple of times, I can�t get WH out of my mind for long.

Mostly I feel sadness that he has become this idiot. My main problem is that I cannot see any positive outcome: I feel so emotionally damaged that I can�t imagine even trying recovery nor being any good as a partner to another person while WH lives.

for him the options I see are bad to worse and that will never make me feel better.

So in a sense I am stuck and I�ve asked Dr. H and he has kindly responded that as a psychologist there is nothing he can do for that situation and that all he can advise me is to pray.

Luckily and mainly thanks to this situation my faith grows every day and I pray that God�s will be done: if He allows WH to be in my mind it must be for a purpose and if not I beg him to let me let go. I do not see WH, nor hear him, nor ask about him. Unfortunately one of my daughters is very like him and she�s the one who lives with me so I realize that is a trigger but I can�t ask her to leave for that reason specially when she�s the one who has chosen to have minimum contact with WH and is the most disapproving of all he does.

My point in posting to you is to tell you that from my experience (and I�ve read others here) some situations don�t always end after 2 years, some take longer, and to tell you that you have at least 1 MB fan who understands a little of what you are going through when you defend your position on continuing in plan B.

It�s not the greatest life but at least I can live with myself in it.

Someone just shared this poem with me and it is so true and descriptive:


Separation
BY W. S. MERWIN

Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.

Scotty - what about travel? Building new good memories without WH on them? Just an idea.

Thanx for the replies everyone. It's nice to know that all of you are out here.

Jessi, my nail colour is aquamarine. I look at it and it makes me smile, so that's why I decided to put it on. I live in Niagara Falls. We're pretty much neighbours then, eh? I didn't even realize you were Canadian. It's nice to have a fellow Canuck here. Just don't let ML find out, she'll start asking how all us foreigners got in here.

Love, Thank you for the ideas. I will see what I can come up with.

CC, thank you. It's nice to hear from you.

Estrela, I will be traveling to Disney in Sept, my sister is paying for the boys and I to go, so that will be nice. 9 days away.

I think what it comes down to is that there is a lot going on right now. There is a health issue that I am dealing with(trying to figure out something that has been plaguing me since September). I had to have chest xrays, an EKG, an ECG, and a heart monitor for 2 weeks. I will also be going to a lung and allergy specialist to see if it is that. I will admit that I am more afraid of this issue then I have been allowing those around me to see. It also made me hate that I don't have someone who would care about it, other than my children, and I'm not laying that at their feet. I don't want to worry them about things that may not be, but I worry about those things, and I have no one to share that with. In those times, I get VERY angry with Bampot.

Also, finances are in the crapper something good right now. I try not to dwell on how bad things are, and live day to day with it, but it becomes overwhelming sometimes. And again, I get angry that I have no one to share the burden with.

Bampot was my rock. He always knew how to make me feel better. I could tell him anything. He knew me more than anyone else ever did. I trusted him, and when he betrayed me, and left me, he took that away from me. It's that void that is still there that is bugging me. And it doesn't help when people keep trying to convince me to find someone else. Especially when sometimes, my Taker agrees with them. If not for this site, I don't doubt that I would be dating someone else right now, to the detriment of my own being. I'm taking the higher road, it's just a lot more difficult.

There are also times that I look back on my marriage, and relationship with Bampot. 20 years ago, last Monday, we started dating. That is probably what this is all about, only it has come a few days later than I expected. I look back now and I see how much he cared for me. I see how much he loved me. How he did certain things, out of that love, and I didn't appreciate it. I feel guilty over that sometimes. And more often than not, I miss those things. I miss having someone care for me in that way.

Then, people tell me to just get over it and move on already, and I am tired of fighting with them. Can't they just let me be? I don't need to be reminded that Bampot has been gone for more than 2 years and that there is a snowball's chance in hell that he will return. I don't. And I'm not waiting for him to return. I'm trying to live my life for me.

I'm not ready to be divorced. I'm not ready to put that label on myself, and I'm not ready to deal with the emotional damage, yet. I will be. I have placed my time limit. And it's not like I would start dating now anyways, whether I was divorced or not, so why do I need to rush?

I truly think that I am grieving my marriage again. I am grieving the loss of the man who Bampot once was. I am also pretty dern angry at him for giving that to someone else, after vowing to give it only to me for life.

At least through all of this, my self esteem, and self confidence has soared. I actually like who I am becoming. I like where I am headed, and that is the amazing power of Plan B. Why would I want to give that up? Why should I give up the protection that it affords me?

The other day, I did have an errant thought about being able to directly communicate with Bampot. I was almost trying to convince myself that it was okay. Don't worry, it was a fleeting thought, that I squashed like a bug. Come on, Scotty. Stay behind the Plan B curtain, it's nice and dark back here.

So, I leave you all with this knowledge. I'm still here, fighting the good fight, and doing the right things. I'll get through this all, because it's what I must do. I have no other choice, because I am going to have a wonderful life, whether I have anyone else to share it with, or not. Just another step in my personal recovery, and Plan B.