There are a TONNE of complications...

They also measure things strangely. NB: A tonne is 2204.62 pounds.

Here's the radio show that Scotty is referencing, starts about 0:55 into the segment. I bookmarked it because it shocked me too! I don't know that I am going to follow this advice entirely but it has given me a lot to think about...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3393#

Was the DesperateM's (JenniferVoyager) radio program? That has been on my mind a lot because I have young children and I want to be married.

If you read HNHN for Parents Dr. Harley speaks clearly about why this becomes a problem.

1) Women are nurturers and men are disciplinarians. So a single mom will often lack discipline with her children because she would rather love them.

When the step-father comes into the home he then becomes the disciplinarian by his nature. The issue is a step-father disciplinarian dynamic doesn't work that way in a blended family. The mother has to remain the disciplinarian. Often the case the man will not discipline his own children due to guilt and trying to love them because he doesn't see them all the time. It turns into a horrible mess because his children run free and the wife's children are strictly disciplined by him.

Dr. Harley says it is difficult to overcome this dynamic due to our inherent nature of roles as mother and father. The only way to make it a success is to have POJA in full force on all decisions concerning the children (all children involved).

In my situation I will probably meet a BH as my next husband. Someone that understands the dynamics of adultery and the outcomes that come about with it. The BH could be a really great guy dealt a horrible blow by his WW. I think the sensitivity in surviving adultery could make the new marriage better than ever, especially if both are on board with the 10 Basic Concepts to marriage.

I believe good men can raise others children. It may take some work and a great understanding of POJA.

I don't think Dr. Harley was saying "There are no good men raising someone else's children." I think he was saying "I strongly suggest waiting to remarry, because the odds are tremendously against you."

My father was happy to become stepfather to my stepsiblings. There are plenty of exceptions; exceptions do not mean that a person should focus on the exceptions and be encouraged to take their chances.

Plenty of people survive Russian roulette, and plenty of people smoke like a smokestack and live to be 90 or 100. There are exceptions to every generalization. That does not mean that playing Russian roulette or smoking like a smokestack is a good idea.

I will most likely follow DrH's suggestions on not dating while my children are young. I have been following his advice so far, and it hasn't steered me wrong.

I was thinking more about what must be going on over here. I know that a lot of it has to do with the life struggles I am experiencing right now, and having no one to share the burden(isn't that a nice reason for me to want someone? ROLLING EYES).

I have had a couple of triggers, and that has also helped.

What I think is ultimately happening is that I am changing again. I am becoming someone complete and separate from Bampot. This is as it should be in Plan B, but I think that a part of me is still fighting to keep hold to the old me.

I have been living my life separate from Bampot, but it takes time, at least for me, to change. It took me years to become a wife, I needed time to undo that. That's why MB and PB are GREAT. I think this is really why it is necessary.

For right now, a small part of me still believes that Bampot is my best option, but I also know that he isn't my only one. THAT is something. At the beginning of this, I couldn't even think of ever being with someone else. Now I KNOW that I could be, and I could be happy. It's not going to be for a long while though.

This has worked well for me PI. My dh was a BH. He is a good man raising my child and trying like crazy to be a good father to his own 2 sons while only be able to see them 4 days a month (plus half of holidays but it still isn't much).

I agree that the odds are stacked against step-famiies, but much of life is that way. Doing the work needed to improve one's self is crucial. Looking honestly at one's part in the failed marriage is crucial. And looking brutally honestly at any potential mate is crucial.

I feel like I did that with my dh and I am very happy now.

I also feel there are some real benefits to having a good step parent vs. no step parent at all. I was raised by a single mom and while I believe she did a great job I definitely feel my brother and I could have benefited from having a good step father. She walled herself off so completely though that there was no chance of that---she feared she would get a bad husband and he would treat us poorly. Although I admire that, I don't think it is the only way to approach the situation.

It is basically a benefit/risk analysis.

Yeah Scotty, time is a big part of it
You are doing well, from this part of the peanut gallery

Just remember, you will be allways God child, no matter how old you get.

That is where we all go wrong, all of us, when we look to ourselves to fix it

No hurrys, just love yourself, and be happy your not one of those fools

Amen.

Sorry Scotty, I don't want the yanks getting the wrong impression about us again...

Let me know if you still want to trade that nice moose roast you offered me..I talked it over with my wife (POJA eh) and we don't mind giving you the two beaver pelts for it.

I will canoe over to your log cabin tomorrow and drop them off OK?

LMAO

Don't we live so far north that we live in igloos and snowshoe everywhere? At least that's what some of those silly tourists we get up here in JULY think when they have skis strapped to the roof of their car.

I can agree with that,and the other stuff you mentioned, should be understood also before you start.

I think it's important, that you remember what your roles are, how they effect the children, and most of all, that it is not them you answer to in the question of loving them. You better love them, and understand your roles.

Bottom line, we are supposed to gain knowledge on how to love, and understand things from the childrens point of view. Thats what power is for, to serve.

Well, a very trusted MB adviser of mine suggested that I write out my thoughts here.

So, I think that my personal recovery is chugging right along at a rapid rate. While I can't say that I wouldn't consider marital recovery, ever, I can see how I would be quite close to that, and soon.

I have been living my life as if my WH wasn't coming home, because every morning, when I awoke, the other side of the bed was empty. I have been making a life that was just about myself and my children. At first, I couldn't look much further ahead than dinner that day, but now I am making plans for months in the future. That says something. The moment when you realize that you are making plans, and they have NOTHING to do with your WS. I mean, after 2+ years, Bampot is as far away from my life as HS friends I haven't seen in years.

I am thankful for this having happened this way. I am closer with my boys than I could ever have been had Bampot not committed adultery. The way that my life was before, I would have been too busy working, and I would have had little time or patience with them. Don't get me wrong, single motherhood is definitely not easy. It's always MY responsibility to ensure they are taken care of. It's also quite nice to be able to do things when and how I wish. That is part of the thinking about not wanting Bampot to come home. And that is part of the reason that Plan B ruins chances of MR the longer it goes on. The BS just won't want to share their life with their WS anymore. They are happy to be free to do what they want. I get that. Even the other day, when I was talking to a friend about a book sale, and she said, "My husband won't let me buy anymore books." It dawned on me. I don't need to ask anyone what I can spend my money on. My boys don't care what I spend my money on, as long as their needs are met. That actually felt nice.

I don't want this to seem like it's all peaches and cream. It definitely is NOT. Sometimes, I really crave having someone look out for me. Sometimes, I wish that I had someone to share things with. Sometimes, I am just plain old lonely. I'm just trying to share that there is another side of that. The side where the weight of adultery finally lifts off of you, at least enough that you can actually ENJOY your life again.

I'm no longer a victim, I am a survivor. It's nice.

Now, this doesn't mean that I am ready to get a divorce. The reality is, staying married, at the moment, has benefits that I can't change, yet. Financial. My children are still young, so I need to be here for them. They need direction, and I don't trust anyone else to help guide them down their paths. The way that I have set up our lives, they depend on me being around as often as I am, so getting back to school(unless online), or getting full time employment is out, for now. I'm making plans for the future, but that may be up to a year from now. I have waited this long, I can manage a bit more. Besides, we all know that any amount of planning doesn't prepare you for life has to throw at you.

On some good news. My DS11 is doing very well with his boxing training. He goes to the same boxing trainer as I do. I trust him with my son. He is also very good. My trainer was actually telling me today that he sees big things for DS11. DS9 is going to train with him as well, once he turns 10. They are dealing with everything pretty well. Their grades went up again, they get principal letters of effort, and perfect attendance awards. They still refuse to speak to Bampot on the phone because they say it makes them miss him too much when they hang up. Last night, DS9 came into my room crying because he missed out dog and cat that passed away a few years ago. I asked him what made him think of them, and he said, "I was thinking about how much I miss daddy when I started to think about them. I can't believe that Daddy lied to us that CAT ran away instead of telling us he died." When our cat died, it had been 6 months since our dog had died, so Bampot said that he wanted to tell the boys that he just ran away, so they wouldn't have to deal with it. I went along with it. Some time after Bampot left, I decided to fess up.

Well, I think that's about it for now. Personal recovery chugging along. Hitting my walls(especially in regards to my career), and looking for my doors. Looking forward to watching The Hunger Games movie. Of course, I am going to wait a few weeks before I go.

Oh, Scotty, thank-you for your updates. It means a lot to a fellow Plan B'er who is not the quickest on her PR that you can articulate my thoughts and inspire me to progress. I couldn't agree to ANYTHING more than a day in advance upon entering Plan B (hence why I am mad at myself for missing a trip to Sydney with family friends this weekend, lol). But I have come from that to booking time off today for a holiday overseas later this year! Hooray to me!!!


I'm on my way to joining you (slowly but surely). I now look forward to reaching this point, and no longer feel I am betraying Gollum. Hats off to you Scotty, you (and other MB'ers) have played a big role in this and all credit where its due.

BTW, why are you not going to see the Hunger Games right away? It hasn't opened here yet anyways...

Caracal, thank you for your post. I feel like I was snailing along in my PR. I know that I was told it was a marathon and not a sprint, I just didn't know it was gonna be a marathon around the world.

I'm not going to see the movie in theaters right when it opens because I don't find it so fun to go watch those kinds of movies with a room full of teenaged girls. I went to see Breaking Dawn Part 1 a couple of weeks after it opened. I didn't have a good experience due to the young girls, and the one man who was seated next to me, and had obviously been forced to go with his girlfriend. He huffed whenever Edward said something romantic. The young girls didn't stop talking, and of course squealing when any man's shirt came off. The boys also want to go, so I will probably be seeing it at least twice in the theater. Did you read the books Car?

Scotty, thanks for sharing your PR news.

I am so happy to hear how close you are to your boys.

I am also very close to mine. This was one of WH's complaints, that I gave too much attention to our DS9 (who has specific challenges of his own).

I understand the concept of H and W spending time together away from kids, but then both parents need to be involved in parenting so they can share responsibilities. My WH was only involved in the parts he liked and left all the other everyday stuff to me (making sure homework, bath, clothes, food etc are in order).

So, I do not feel much his absence in this aspect since I was used to doing it all by myself. Like you, I might feel the difference after D in finances, but I will either find a better paying job (but no longer hours :)) or adjust. Will see.

I do miss him when it is bedtime and we used to cuddle to fall asleep. Ooops, sorry, I guess I am highjacking your thread...

I have not read the Hunger Games. Is it really good? I need reading for my plane trip, so that might be it.

Your personal recovery is great, steady, strong and with the healing of THREE souls in your capable hands.

Your Plan B is the one I modelled my own on, and all the benefits I have gained are directly due to you.

I think you are a beacon to Plan Bers on these boards and that you practice what you preach: how to be a tower of strength and turn the worst time of your life into a positive experience.

I know you don't like too many words of admiration.

I know that.

But tough, deal with it

Well said, Indie!

The Hunger Games is AMAZING. It's a trilogy. I had borrowed the first one from the library but needed to wait for the other one to get shipped to my library. I waited 2 days, and then bought all 3 books. I then loaned them to my friends, and some of them purchased them after they read them as well, they were that good. The Trilogy was suggested on this very thread.

Estrela, if you have ever had the time to read my thread, you will know that I don't mind t/j's. I actually welcome them.

THANK YOU.

I am the direct result of all of the people who helped me as well. They are the people you read throughout this thread. And some of them helped me off board as well. And it is true that when you help others, you help yourself.

Indie, your Plan B hasn't been too shabby either. And who do you think was the inspiration for this update? I count YOU as an adviser to me as well.

I think that was me and FF? Be warned, those books are hard to put down!! I was in B&N with the kids the other day and saw a guy with a crazed look in his eye go over to the shelves, grab Book 3 and head to the check out. I had to chuckle to myself because that's exactly how I was when I read them - I don't think anything else got done for a few days.

Can't wait for the movie!!!


Good update BTW Scotty