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MelodyLane - Quoting my wife doesn't help as it's not related or it's taken out of context... read what I said here. I have been very, very clear, but you don't want to see it.
I know you have a harsh view of waywards... I totally get it, but your harsh views don't actually help because your view is clouded. I am not questioning the significance of what I did. I am trying to find out how I can move forward.
I am empty. I have read everything you both said, so I fully understand the context. I would emphasize that you are the least objective person in this whole situation and do not have the ability to judge whether anyone's view is clouded. A fogged out wayward does not possess that ability. Of course I have a harsh view of waywards, so should you. So does any rational, caring individual. FORMER waywards have a "harsh" view of waywards. I have explained to you several times how to move forward. You don't seem to like the answer, though... Hence, the continued shopping. How about stopping the shopping exercise and getting to work here? You aren't going to get a better answer, my friend.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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MelodyLane - I *AM* a former wayward so you are in luck! Your signature indicates you were betrayed. You are also female. Your perspective is going to be different. No it's not, because the "perspective" we give here is Dr Harley's perspective. This is not a personal opinion forum. And yes, I was wayward, but that doesn't matter. You need to stop shopping for opinions and get to work if you want to save your marriage. Dismissing opinions you don't like reflects an attitude that is not serious.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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p.s. self pity is completely inappropriate and distracts you from tending to your wife. It is also a huge lovebuster to her, so I would knock it off. You can't afford any more lovebank withdrawals. Man up and tend to your wife.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This is why I am looking for useful comments from former wayward husbands. Right now I am wore out, no love bank and ready to just give up. I will sign the house over and just give up. I don't care.
I know I did this... I know my wife is in a worse spot.... Still, it doesn't matter. I don't know how to move forward. If you are looking for Marriage Builders help, you don't need to hear from former wayward husbands. You need to hear from people who understand and implement Marriage Builders concepts. Once you get cracking on implementing these concepts, you won't be worn out and you won't be ready to give up. You appear to be trying to dodge the hard work that comes with your selfish actions. That will get you nowhere.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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You appear to be trying to dodge the hard work that comes with your selfish actions. That will get you nowhere. I probably am now... I am burned out. I worked the MB concepts for three months (with the obvious exception of not tell my wife all the truth). Things were going very well. The false recovery that my wife is going through - I am as well. The problem is that I am supposed to be the one that heals her, but I am done. I am going to the bank and signing over the title of our rental property to her at 1:00pm today. After that, she may just walk. I have read so much about bad divorces that this has me paranoid that is could be just a preemptive divorce strike. Oh well, I am doing it anyhow. I guess I have hope, but I also just don't have the energy to fight her on these things any longer. The concepts of MB only work if you can do them. I guess I don't want to do them any longer. I am looking for concepts to help me through the "I give up" phase.
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I worked the MB concepts for three months (with the obvious exception of not tell my wife all the truth). Things were going very well. The false recovery that my wife is going through - I am as well. This is meant to be...what? Funny? Ironic?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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The concepts of MB only work if you can do them. I guess I don't want to do them any longer. I am looking for concepts to help me through the "I give up" phase. You are looking for self pity and ways to avoid facing the consequences of decieving your wife for 3 months. We won't help you with that. If you won't make just compensation to your wife, then Dr Harley does recommend a separation. There is no use for minjo to be subjected to this any more since you are not serious about recovery. In fact, you were NEVER serious. It was all a big SHAM. Let me give you an analogy of what you are doing. You have just knifed your wife in the back and she is on the floor bleeding to death. And what is your reaction? You are crying because she can't fix you supper while playing the victim. That is how you look to others. You are not the victim, Sir. You are the perp. If you want her to meet your needs, then you need to nurse her back to health and quit crying. Your self pity is a distraction and impresses no one. I worked the MB concepts for three months (with the obvious exception of not tell my wife all the truth). Things were going very well. The false recovery that my wife is going through - I am as well. The problem is that I am supposed to be the one that heals her, but I am done. Can you cite a single place in Marriage Builders that tells you to LIE to your spouse about your affair? You can't. So obviously you were NEVER working anything except a scam job on your wife. Things might have been "going well" for you as long as you could decieve her, but things weren't going well for her, were they?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The concepts of MB only work if you can do them. I guess I don't want to do them any longer. I am looking for concepts to help me through the "I give up" phase. Giving up is the first step. Giving up your deceit, lies and manipulation tactics. Giving up the drama.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I worked the MB concepts for three months (with the obvious exception of not tell my wife all the truth). Things were going very well. The false recovery that my wife is going through - I am as well. ***THUD*** Are you for real? Good grief man -- YOU are "going through it too" -- WTH? Um, noooooo...You've had the truth all along -- It's your wife who is devastated! Man up, quit crying and help your victim for goodness sakes! I pray that one day VERY SOON you are as mortified by your words here as we all are. My word, Sir. Unbelievable. And, not that gender or the BS/FWS distinction makes a difference in doing the right thing, but you have heard from a FWH on your thread -- GloveOil's advice to you was sound. If you remain unconvinced, and feel that the words of a FWH carry more weight, then look up posts by HerPapaBear -- those would be be some great footsteps for you to follow in. Be sure to read all about the post nuptial agreement that he VERY WILLINGLY entered into with his wife, SexyMamaBear -- please note that he never asked anyone here if he should do that. They are happily recovered today... Mrs. W, FWS in a happily recovered marriage
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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oops, no sympathy from that FWS!!  Guess you will have to keep shopping, my friend!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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oops, no sympathy from that FWS!! Guess you will have to keep shopping, my friend! I think he will find that FWSs are likely to be even tougher on him, actually...Shopping amongst us for a "softer opinion" is pretty laughable. Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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oops, no sympathy from that FWS!! Guess you will have to keep shopping, my friend! I think he will find that FWSs are likely to be even tougher on him, actually...Shopping amongst us for a "softer opinion" is pretty laughable. Mrs. W amen to that....  Just like with reformed smokers, reformed cheaters are the biggest badasses!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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M2Her, instead of worrying about if this is a divorce tactic, why don't you try to do something to actually try to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. See, saving your marriage would mean that you didn't need to worry about what your wife would do in a divorce because you wouldn't have one.
Please stop telling other how to post to you, they post how they wish. If you believe that it is against TOS, then notify the mods, otherwise, read, learn and hopefully come out of this fog that you are still in.
See, you didn't BOTH go through this FR, only your wife did, because you knew all along that you weren't in a real recovery.
So, have YOU scheduled the polygraph?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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This is why I am looking for useful comments from former wayward husbands.  Haven't read your BW's thread but glad to hear she is reading here... There's another. I will be back.
Last edited by SusieQ; 02/27/12 02:23 PM.
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I probably am now... I am burned out. The way I am reading what you have been posting and in particular in response to the advice you are getting to be honest...is that you still haven't given the whole truth yet. Your BW needs to schedule a poly if she hasn't yet.
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MelodyLane - I have clearly stated that Steve did NOT tell me to lie. Only that he knew I did not tell her the full truth and that he was fine in delaying the truth until she was in a better emotional state. While I do appreciate your comments, please be more careful how you read and respond. Seriously??? Not telling the truth IS lying. If Steve told you to "delay the truth", then he WOULD BE telling you to lie. The fact that you are trying to gaslight on this point...BIG red flag!
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oops, no sympathy from that FWS! As I said, I am hoping to hear from former wayward husbands... not wayward women. So far, I read nothing concrete about how to move forward. No usable counsel.... Things might have been "going well" for you as long as you could decieve her, but things weren't going well for her, were they? Yes, things were going well until I told her the entire story. The fact that you are trying to gaslight on this point...BIG red flag! My goodness there are a lot of you freaking out about this! I don't even know what you mean by, "gaslight on this point". When you barely care anymore (I do still want to care) - how do you move forward?
Last edited by MarriedToHer; 02/27/12 03:01 PM.
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If you do not care, then you do not deserve another chance.
If thats just your way of feeling sorry for yourself, then man-up.
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Hey Lexxxy - are you a former wayward husband? I am looking for something concrete. How others made it through this... ****Edit*****
Last edited by JustUss; 02/27/12 05:22 PM. Reason: personal attack
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Yes, things were going well until I told her the entire story. Another joke/irony/stupidity? How can they have been going well for her when she was living a lie?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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