Before I knew MB program, I thought giving benefit of doubt is what H and W are supposed to do for each other. After all, your spouse is the only one you should trust. But I don't think I really buy into that practice because of my parents' infidelity issue, but still... I guess I did!

Then when I knew MB program, somehow "my situation is different", i.e "my H is an honorable man who made a terrible mistake, all this wayward lying crap does not apply to him, or just a little" - Duh?????

But now I see things in a better light and know he is not any different than any other WWs and needs to be taken care of the same way. He is the rule, not the exception. That makes it much easier.

So, I will apply all things I learn from here, just keep telling me what they are.

Thank you again!

Good girl! You are on the right track! Holding him accountable helps you and helps HIM, and ultimately, helps your marriage.

Thanks! I feel encouraged. I am very grateful that you have helped me to get to this point, which is seeing things as they really are. Before ithat, I was struggling so hard emotionally because I battled with him and with myself to bring back a person that never really existed. It was fruitless and exhausting. But now, it more like - this is the illness, these are the symptoms and here is the medicine. Not much emotion to spend uselessly.

I have a question about the polygraph - how long before the test do I give him the questions? I know you mentioned that he had 2 hours to come clean, but I hand him the questions longer than 2 hours before the test, right?

Thanks!

Minjo

Minjo, I would give him 2 days to answer your questions. That way you can follow up with with any concerns in the polygraph.

A polygraph DEFINITELY needs to be done. Your WH is still very foggy, and he is still lying.

Are you CERTAIN that there has been no contact?

I would love to say yes because I want to heal and build trust and move forward, but that would be completely foolish and absurd for me to say, wouldn't you think? So, NO, I am not certain.

And if there was no contact with that OW (I don't think she has any desire to contact him. She was the one who came out first to confess the A to her H and exposed it to the church leader), I am not sure if there is any other OW out there since then or before that. I feel like a paranoid, crazy women to even entertain that thought, but with his trait of deception, no possibilities should be eliminate.

Thank you for your help!

Minjo, call Steve TODAY and ask if he told your husband it was ok to LIE to you.

That should not be allowed to stand for 2 seconds.

GloveOil, thank you for giving your time and effort to help me.

Yes, we are still going to the same church where H started the A. OW and her family moved away.

The large piece of truth spitted out last weekend helped me to heal in an surprising way - I no longer struggle so hard to get rid of the toxic of hatred and anger towards OW (she was my "friend", and more specifically, was called by WH who was the bishop over the church, to be the role model and protection and compassionate, spiritual leader of all the women in that church.

I am still hurt because of the "triple betrayal" - one is from my husband, one is from my bishop (who also is my H) and one from my friend who dined with us, spent time on play dates with me and my kids and also my spiritual leader and protector.

I am still very angry at her, but I don't have the desire to curse her as my worst enemy, as the most vile thing God ever created. And I begin to find peace that I don't have to carry such a hatred towards someone.

It was a complete waste of three of false recovery because of his lying and altering story. Start all over again, I guess!

But this time going through recovery, I feel I am prepared for it. I know how to protect my heart and manage my emotion, not spend it where it's wasted, walk this path with my eyes wide open to see through his manipulation and selfishness. I definitely want to save the marriage, but I am also prepared for the great odd that he will not change ( he is very flip flop about full commitment) and thus this marriage will fail and the real possibility of divorce follows.

Minjo, can you refresh my memory about something? Has the church leadership been informed about his affair? Has he stepped down as bishop?

And I am concerned that he comes to the board to get other opinions when you tell him something he doesn't like. Instead of working out the problem with you, as he should, he comes here to fish for validation for his own opinions. He did this with the issue of your male "friend" in the past, again this weekend when he told you to ask me my opinion about something he didn't like and he is doing it again today. It doesn't matter what WE like, but what you want.

MelodyLane,

WH had been removed from the bishop position as soon as the church leader found out. There will be a serious council held for this affair matter. Church wise, it's been taken care of very well, I feel confident in that matter. I spoke with the church leader many times and we do see eyes to eyes regarding where this situation is at.

Yes, you are right that WH has been consistent with the pattern of fishing for validation of his actions.

I called and left a message for Steve on Friday night but have not heard from him yet. I know Monday morning is his most busy time, so, hopefully will hear from him soon.

Thank you!

I am new to this board, but am about 5 mo past dday myself. After reading all of this i can relate to so much of what you are going through.
I was wondering if there is a way to send you a private message?
Also, I read most of "Not Just Friends", which I have found very helpful to understanding how this all happened to us as well. I plan on getting "His Needs, Her Needs"

Hi tryingtoheal4,

**edit**

Looking forward to connect with you

tryingtoheal, start up a thread for your own situation and posters can help. Please do not solicit board members to contact you. Thank you.

I just tried to send an IM... I have never used aol or IM before, so hopefully it worked.

Alright... sorry abt that. New to this forum.

I did not know that either! Sorry!

FYI - just went to the bank and we did the signing over the property. I have to say, this is the first courageous act H did per my request.

I do give him credit for that. I in a way, understand his fear of me leaving him.

I have four amazing children that love their parents and clearly thrive in a intact family, so as long as my H continue to do what it takes, I am fulling and willing work on our marriage.

My heart is full for all of your help and for his initial step forward. I know it's scary for him, but he did it and I will try my best to make him feel I am safe.

Also, Steve will call me today at 2:45 CT.

Thank you again, everyone. I can't imagine going through this without this support.

Polygraph is the next one in order.

I just spoke to Steve. Here is what I can sum up as best as I can:

Steve knew the full story. H positioned the situation is that I was in serious emotional / mental condition that the truth at that day will drive me suicidal. Providing that piece of information, Steve had to choose to either let go of it so his "hand would not stained with my blood"( this was my words and he confirmed) or to push the truth and get someone to the hospital from suicide attempt. But he made it very clear that H had to tell me when things got better.

I feel liberated. Even though much happened in 3 months, but this last piece of the A truth marked the most accomplishment in 3 months.

There is hope for us to move forward. I am willing to do what it takes to save this marriage. I just need to get H on board, which seems to be a very difficult task right now.

Not quite sure he expresses a lot of resentment towards me - treats me coldly (not a word if I don't start the conversation, rejected my invitation for lunch, did not come sit near me at the bank,.. But less than 24 hours ago he said he would do whatsoever it takes to rebuild the marriage and still tried to show me lots of affection. But now the house is gone, things are different. I guess I have a price tag, and it's pretty cheap

The lost of the ownership of the house changes the dynamic of relationship. My parents paid for 90% of the loan on the house. The rest 10% was paid by the rental income. He put works to update it before we move away. We moved away to fulfill HIS dream to serve in the church. I did not want to move from that house at all. Now we are here at where we are, my parents again gave us money for down payment on this house we live right now.

So, my request for the sole ownership of the house is for my own and my children's protection. I do not want my parents' blood and sweat money as housekeeper to be gone with my fail marriage.

Unfortunately, he played Steve with that story and admitted it here:

His entire focus is on himself and not at all on rendering aide and comfort to you, his victim. I hope that changes.

It is very typical for a wayward to act as if he were the victim himself. It is handy, the one opportune role we people know how to play the best. He has not touched the bottom yet, he lacks humbleness and thus doesn't entirely get it. He has not changed the conditions that led to affair entirely, I mean inside himself. Waywars are self-serving people. He is still foggy. He praises HIMSELF when he succeeds and blames OTHERS when he fails. He has this attitude - which hopefully changes, people change - that him helping his true victim - you - is a noble thing to do and that you should give him praises for that, while in fact it should be a common expected human behaviour. I would focus on what are YOUR requirements for the recovery and not give in one bit.