I understand on the working deal.
that is why it is in my back pocket and if I see a sliding, I will make the move.

However, I bleive that you will see that I will even prove you wrong Melody.

You guys have already pulled me to a point where I can see more than I had been able to before.
And I know exactly where I want to be. which is at home with my wife.

If a job change is needed, it will be decided by me and at what point it is needed. ( and not when someone else tells me )

So please do not judge my success or failure on one thing not happening.
Alot of things have to come together to make this a success, and one of those by itself will not cause success or failure.
It will only fail if it is dwelled upon over and over and over.

I used to have a strong will power....and yes it has fallen apart over the past few years.
I have already begun trying to find that strength in will power that I once had. Once I do I will be able to move mountains again.

I will succeed, even if you think that by that one thing not happening, i won't.

That makes recovery impossible. That is like expecting an alcoholic to sober up by drinking "less." Or by changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks." Recovery will never happen because he will be in a perpetual state of withdrawal and will NEVER sober up.

You are going to have to come up with a plan for recovery. Yours will not work.

This just tells me you don't understand the nature of your affair and are not serious. You are still making sure you can still keep the OW in your life. That won't work. You don't get it. You have already proved that this doesn't work and you are suggesting trying it again. That is insanity.

You are not committed to doing what it takes to recover your marriage.

Forgive me for being skeptical of "YOUR plan" when step one of such plan included an in person meeting alone with your whore.

This is your second, third or fourth attempt to "do it yourself". How many more times can you fail before your wife simply gives up EVER trusting you again (even if you succeed at simply staying married)??? This could be your last chance to get it right so screw proving me wrong because me winning that bet means your wife suffers. MB is a PROVEN plan. I strongly recommend it. Plan ACE can't work. It's like holding an A.A. meeting in a bar on Friday nights with other patrons drinking and dancing around the meeting...sure it's POSSIBLE but at what risk/cost. Why gamble with your family??? Your betrayed wife should be more important to you than proving to me that your untested and foolhardy plan CAN work.

That being said...I'm patient. Rome wasn't build in a day.

1. Have you changed your cell phone number

2. Have you changed your email

3. Have you considered recruiters as there may be an even better job out there for you that your current awesome job now qualifies you to make a lateral move into...you don't know until you try

4. Have you assessed how much vacation time you have and where you and your wife can go for, perhaps, a long weekend road trip (and listen to His Needs/Her Needs on CD). Your wife needs time alone with you and to GET what MB is about AND you need a distraction as you go through withdrawal

5. What's your plan to insure you don't even set eyes upon OW at work?

a. Change parking spots...parking as far away from where you know her to park ordinarily

b. Change arrival and departure times (she may be going through withdrawal too and purposely put herself in your path just to bump into you).

b.1. - Eat lunch alone at your desk
b.2. - change the bathroom you ordinarily use to another one in the opposite direction of OW's offices (she may stalk your bathroom)

c. What's your plan is she speaks to you??? BE RUDE and don't say a word. It's so much easier to tell your wife that you said absolutely nothing and walked away briskly than having to attempt to recreate an entire conversation (which she won't believe anyway as she'll always wonder if that's the whole story)

d. Maybe switch cars with your wife or a friend so OW doesn't know where you're parked and can't stalk you.

It may seem ridiculous as OW seemed so OK today with the finality but that's usually an act to draw you back in. She's ACTING like she respects your decision and is trying to be attractive by being so progressively cool. However, VERY OFTEN these OW become stalkers. She may seem to be OK today and willing to walk away but as she grieves the loss of these bullcrap "feelings" you shared...OW tend to get angry and vengeful. OW may be trouble to you yet at work and you'll need to be careful or she'll report you to human resources. If you give her ONE inch...she'll take a mile and you'll be right back in it. STAY AWAY. IT'S OVER.




That's some ideas.

Mr. W

Just like every bad drunk "swears" he will never drink again. "I will never fall off the wagon again! I swear!!"

This is just empty talk that is not backed up by action.

It is clear you won't take steps to cut off contact with the OW.

This guy is still talking crap. Nothing serious here. He is not giving up his OW. groan....

Ace,
You think you are different.

What would you think about a pastor, many years of working in seminaries, studying the gospel, teaching, preaching. Decades worth. Got into an affair (emotional or otherwise) with a church member. He liked the BS, was pretty friendly with him. He and WW of BS, fought guilty feelings all along, broke it off several times (keyword several). But BS and WW kept attending church there. The pastor and WW never met outside of church after the dday.

You think a man of God could handle it don't you. Maybe better than you even.

I think you see where I am headed. I have first hand knowledge of this story. It didn't work.

It won't work for you either.

Thanks Melody

This will work, you will see.
I have a level of committment that is actually staggering even to me this time.

Take today for example.
I saw the OW this morning, and that was planned so I could lay the law down and tell her it was done and to not contact me on a personal level again. Brief words were exchanged on what was and what was not expected.
I haven't seen or heard from her since.
Days upon days could go by without ever seeing or even needing to contact the OW even for work. And a planned relocation is on the immediate horizon and that will even move her further away.

So I realize that while this site and all the advice say otherwise. I am 150% committed to proving otherwise.

And go ahead say I am stupid, nieve, and all the other things that you are thinking.
I am not saying I know better, I am just saying that I know my immediate situation and the people involved better.

This will happen, and I will succeed.
Keep saying I will fail, I will prove you wrong.
That is the kind of person I am.

So now it is your turn Melody, to recieve thanks from me for adding fuel to my fire.

I think where you are mistaken is that you are confusing staying married with a recovered marriage.

Say you are the exception and that you and OW never have sex again. I kinda doubt it, but just for arguments sake.

Still doesn't mean you don't long for it or think about it. Still doesn't mean that you BW isn't eaten alive. That is not a recovered marriage. If staying married is the only goal, then why even bother with the charade. Your with seems to already have demonstrated she won't do anything about it.

You don't get it.

Like I said, you are still in daily contact with your OW so recovery is impossible. This is like the alcoholic changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and claiming to be sober. That is just silly. Taht is all you have done.

Your only plan is to protect your affair, not save your marriage.

Your "plan" has not worked for you in the past and won't work for you in the future. I can see that you are so addictd to the OW that you can't bear to be away from her. But you will never withdraw unless you do.

Thanks to you all.
I do truely appreicate the comments.
And quite possibly you will be right about the one thing that you beleive will fail me.

Compare me to all that you have, and that is fine.
I realize that is what it sounds like.
And you do have more experience about these things that I have.

But the fact is that I have alreay made progress.
And it is more than I have made in the past.
I am going to enjoy my positive progress and not dwell on the negative thoughts and feedback as to how I will fail.
I am going to lean on the positive and leverage all of my growth and against my positive progress rather than focus on the negatives as I have in the past.

Its all positive from here.
Thanks

The kind of person you are is a fool who does not understand the nature of infidelity. Imagine an alcoholic saying he can go to the bar every day and change the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and insisting:

"This will happen, and I will succeed.
Keep saying I will fail, I will prove you wrong.
That is the kind of person I am."

Your goal is to maintain contact with the OW, just like I said earlier. You are not serious.

Someone capable of overcoming all obstacles - is the person who is capable of giving stuff up.

Im just saying.

If you cant do that one little thing - what chance is there?

Rarely do people work at the same company until retirement anymore so switching jobs was very likely in the cards at some point or another anyway...wasn't it?????

There may even be something better out there (throughout my families ordeal the blessings that flowed towards us as we straightened out our family and marriage can't be dismissed as chance. You'll probably thank us one day for pushing you to do this based solely upon where you end up. Nobody ever regrets doing the right thing).

There is no reason to fight so adamantly for keeping this job (unless it's truly about keeping OW around you).

I don't like the fact you're not willing to simply quit today but it's understandable. I'm an attorney and if I were in a firm it's quite difficult to just walk out the door. It's actually unprofessional and gaps in your resume throw up all sorts of red flags. I'd just like to see you willingly considering it and perhaps, committing to starting the process whereby getting another job is possible (such as maybe contacting a recruiter or two).

What about a lateral move to another state within your company? Is that possible? It's not ideal but better than working in the same building and/or complex.

Mr. W

All I will add... is that working in the same building and being in contact are two completely different things.
It is possible to work in the same building and never be in contact.

And no I am not protecting anything to do with the OW.
But I guess that makes me a bad person becuase I will not call her names. or degrade her.
That also does not mean I am protecting her, it just means I am a person who respects others, regardless of what they have done.

Anyway, even I can see this thread is going in circles.
I see and understan what you all are saying.
And you are comparing me to all those before me, as well you should be. I am not excusing myself from what I have done or what I have become.

All I know, is that for a good moment in time today I felt good about the progress I had made.
And then was shot down as a nobody who has done nothing by you all.
Maybe that type of negative reinforcement works, just not for me.

As I have said MrWondering
I have not dismissed it.
Howver the type of setup I am ( that is what I will call it becaise I will not talk about the company )
is that we build the company work it until it is at a certain point, then sell it.
So my plans to change jobs will happen when we sell this one.

And no, I am not staying here because the OW is here.
I know it looks that way, and understandably so.
But simply not the case.

Why not use all that "thinking outside of the box" and "I know I will succeed" in finding another job that will actually enable you to save your marriage?

Just think what you could accomplish if you put your mind to finding another job so you can save your marriage?

Can you think outside of the box?

Do you own the company? Does the OW work for you?

The OW does not work for or even with me in the same department.

And I will save my marriage.
I have said it over and over, I am committed to doing that.

I have a much clearer look on things than my failures before, and that is thanks to the information on this site and to you guys in here.

I will post more on my progress in the days to come.

Have you told your employer yet? Seeing as you are such an "honorable" man(who committed adultery REPEATEDLY on his BW because he always knows she won't leave him, yet), I would think that you have informed your employer that you were carrying on an affair with a fellow employee using work resources, etc. So, when are you telling them?

And I am SICKENED that you didn't man up and tell your wife OW's NAME. Seriously, tell her OW's NAME already. She needs to know who the enemy is.

And have you told your step daughter about your adultery yet?