Hello everyone,

I have been going through the forums and decided to share my story in hopes that some of you might help me figure out what to do next. I will try to keep it short and to the point.

My husband and I have been together for over four years. It is the second marriage for both of us. He is a wonderful husband and a great father to all my kids (two are from my previous marriage) I thought everything was going great at the time, but now that I look back there were signs there since months before I found out about his affair.

Last October, after getting my results from my annual pap smear, but doctor informed me that there was an STD found. I was speechless! I went home and as calmly I could asked my husband if he had been with someone else. He denied it initially, but after seeing how upset and confused I was, he confessed to having sex with another woman. He initially lied and said he had hired a prostitute and met with her at a motel one morning and that he was very sorry for hurting me and that it was all about sex and nothing else, then after I asked him for more details because his story just didn't make sense, he changed his story and said that it was with a prostitute but that him and some friends had met with some prostitutes at his friends' apartment and he was there and was tempted to have sex with one of them out of curiosity. I again asked him questions and his answers just didn't make sense. I was sure he was lying. I was so devastated by all this and more so knowing that he was not being completely honest with me. So the next day, I gave him an ultimatum. He would either tell me the whole truth or he would had to move out immediately. We works two jobs, so there are days that we only see each other at night when he comes home after midnight to sleep. That day he came home and told me that he had lied, that the person he had sex with on supposedly three occasions was a co-worker not a prostitute as he had initially told me and that the sex happened at work. They both work nights in the restaurant at a resort.

He said it was over and that this other woman no longer worked there because she was only hired as temporary help for the summer and she had gone back to school full time. He answered all my questions about how the affair started and how things between them had developed. He assured me he had no more contact with her since even before I found out about it. I hesitantly believe him because I needed to believe I guess, but deep down things just didn't seem to add up. So I started snooping by going through his cell phone records, and ipass history, but I never found anything strange. No phone call, no text messages. He started to change for the better and I was also making changes to meet more of his needs, but of course I've still been checking on him. A few weeks ago, I began to feel symptoms of an STD again or maybe it was just my mind and it was just a yeast infection, I am not sure, but I talked to him about it and he assured me that he had not been with another woman again. He said that he would never be that stupid again as to make the same mistake twice. I took some over the counter medication for yeast infections and it seemed to clear up, but I still had doubts about his honesty so I decided to call his workplace and ask for this woman to check if she was really not working there anymore, but to my surprise I found out that she has been working there all this time and my husband lied to me once again. I told him I had found out his lie a couple of days ago, and now I am so angry at him all over again. It's just like when I first found out about his affair. He has not said a word to try to explain anything to me. He keeps acting like everything is nice and peachy between us even after I have not spoken a word to him for days. He texts me and tells me he loves me as if nothing has happened. This morning I told him not to call me at work or text, or talk to me at all because right now I don't want anything to do with him. I am seriously thinking of asking him to move out until he can come clean with all this and confess everything completely and honestly.

I am sorry if this ended up being too long, but I am so frustrated and confused, that I don't know what to do. I appreciate any advice. Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

Dear Willing,

I am very sorry that you have to go through this.
Could you give some background info? (Your ages, age of your children)

You will probably be able to save your marriage if you follow the plan outlined on this site. Please read the articles about infidelity and how to cope with an affair first. There will probably be more traffic on your thread when America wakes up.

You will have to fight for your family and be strong now. First we will help you to kill the affair and only then you can hope to not only recover your marriage, but have a better relationship than you had in the first place.

Important:


DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TELL YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT THIS SITE! This is a war against the affair and you don't want to give your husband the battle plan, because at the moment, he is a double agent. You have already seen that he has been lying to you. This site can be your resource to deal with all of this and free your husband from this other woman (OW).


This affair is NOT your fault. Therefore you do not have to be ashamed for it. You do not have to hide the affair for your family, and close friends for fear of embarassment. On the contrary, Dr. Harley reccomends as the first step to ending the affair to expose it.
You expose by getting the evidence (I think the STD would do) and telling people that can hold your husband accountable and whose opinions he values. How would he feel if his parents knew?
You will want to tell them in a way that does not make you come of as vindicative and ask them to use their influence on him to end the affair.
Exposure may not sound attractive to you at first, but it is the single most important step to break up the affair. It forces your husband to see his affair through the eyes of other people and this kind of ruins the fun and secrecy of it. It will do great damage to the affair and probably break it up.
Also, it will give you the moral support of a number of people in your immediate circle.
And do not forget to expose the affair to all of the friends (think: facebook) and family of the other woman. How would she feel like carrying on the affair with a married man when all of her friends and family know? What would her father say? Her family will probably influence her to cut it off.

The other thing to do, is Plan A: be as nice and attractive as you can. Do not yell at him etc. Be kind and loving and have great hair. The goal is for him to see what a wonderful wife you are, after his pink glasses for the OW (other woman) have fallen off.

So the things to do (and you may start rightaway):

1. do not tell your husband about what you found out!

EXPOSE
Exposure howto you will find here
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566595&page=1

2. make a list of people to expose to: his family, his highly valued friends that may want to help you, your family, OW family and friends.
3. get the adresses/phone numbers/e-mail from the fam and friends of OW (if she is on facebook look there) and paste them into a file of your own
4. write a short exposure letter (examples are on this site) in which you outline that DH (husband) has an affair with OW and ask for help in bringing him to his senses.
5. expose WITHOUT FORWARNING to all of the people in a very short time frame (less than a day), so that your husbands fantasy life comes crashing into him.
6. prepare for him to be livid and say he hates/leaves you, but stay friendly, do not get drawn into arguments and tell him you'll do anything to save your marriage.

PLAN A
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2400725&page=1

6. prepare to fill his needs (look at the emotional needs questionaire, you can probably guess his needs.
7. try to stop love busters
8. do not expect anything positive in return yet for the next few weeks.

Read as much as you can and begin exposure. You do not need a conversation with your husband beforehand because he will tel lies. You do not have to prove to your husband you know he is having an affair, he already knows. You do not need to hear it from his own mouth, you already know it is true.

After the affair has been killed, you can begin rebuilding your marriage and rearrange your life so that there will never be a next affair.

Good luck and God bless,

Happyheart

You do need to expose and Plan A him.

This totally delusional behaviour of his is very normal wayward behaviour.

Exposure is vital to bust up his delusion. Once everybody knows and tells him to stop behaving this way, he will realise that he can't go on pretending that what he is doing is fine.

As its a workplace affair you will need to expose there.

Read the exposure thread happyheart posted carefully, then tell us who your exposure targets are likely to be and what methods you would use so we can help you do it effectively.

Remember the key word is CALM! You are strong and unshakeable and you look good. You do not apologise for exposure, you smile sweetly and say 'I did it to save our marriage- want a cookie?'

If he's furious, then its working.

You sound strong which is good!

Welcome to MB

Happyheart,

Thanks for your reply. I am 43 and my husband is 41. He have two children together ages 1 and 2. I have two sons from my previous marriage ages 12 and 17, and my husband has an 18 year old daughter that lives in Mexico with her mom.

After reading about Plan A, I realized that I was already doing it. I was trying to win my husband back by meeting his needs which I felt I had neglected. I was taking care of myself so I be more attractive to him and worked on making him feel comfortable at home and we spend as much time together as possible. For Valentine's day we took the day off from work and we took an afternoon getaway at a very romantic resort, and we had a great time together. That is why I say we were on the right track. Sometimes I feel that my insecurities keep me snooping and make me see more into what really is going on, but I had the feeling that we was still having contact with this OW at work. Maybe not a relationship anymore but he was still talking to her. That is why I called his workplace and asked for her to see if they would tell me that she no longer worked there as he had assured me. I was devastated all over again when I was told she would be in to work later that day. I told him I had found out he had lied about her not working with him anymore through a text message, but he never responded to admit it or to deny it. I have not been not been able to speak to him at all since Saturday because all the hurt from when I initially found out about the affair just came back. He comes home at night and comes to bed and hugs me, but all I want to do is push him away. I feel I can't go on like this. I must say that even after snooping I have not found any signs that he is having any contact with her outside of work. No phone calls, no text messages, and no unaccounted time away from home, BUT there was never any of these signs before either because the sex took place at work. This OW is 25 years old and has a boyfriend. What hurts me is that he is still able to see her at work. How do I know if the affair is really over or if seeing her everyday will be too tempting and he will cheat again? He seems sincere, but I just don't know what to do or to believe anymore.

I feel that a separation is needed at this point until he stops all contact with her even if it's just as a coworker, but I am afraid to take that step or to make a mistake by doing so.

Thanks for your advice Happyheart!

Indiegirl,

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I understand what you are saying about exposing the affair. I am not sure though if the affair is still continuing. I know he is still seeing her at work, but I am not sure if there is something still going between them. According to what he told me months ago when he confessed, she broke it off because she felt bad for cheating on her boyfriend. They supposedly had sex one last time back in August to say "good bye" and that was the last time according to him. I found out about it two months after it had already ended. I am skeptical to believe that now since it wasn't true that she had quit her job as he had told me. I am also afraid that if I expose him at work, he will be fired. He has been working there for 12 years and our family would be tremendously affected if he loses his job.

Exposure with my family and his would be embarrassing for both of us and I don't think my family would really get involved in talking to him to stop seeing her if that still is the case. Both his parents passed away many years ago, so his family consists of his brothers and a sister, but I am not sure they would take my side. I don't think there would be any benefit from exposure in my case, but maybe I am not seeing things clearly that is why I come to all of you here for advice.

I have been trying to figure out a way to confirm whether he is still cheating or whether or not is really over between them, but I don't know how I could spy on them at work.

Exposure has nothing to do with the affair being ongoing.

Exposure is to kick start recovery, radical honesty and a better attitude.

Plus, sorry to tell you, it is ongoing and could do with exposure to kill it as well.

It seems as though it will be embarassing, but we have all done it and it isn't.

You will get much needed support. What have you done to be embarrassed?

I'm afraid the step of exposure cannot be skipped. I am not sure why you want to enable the affair by keeping it a secret.

It is an addiction. If your H were an alcoholic you would tell and ask for help. Embarassing or not, the principle is the same.

How did your first two marriages end? Why is his 18 year old daughter in Mexico with her mom?

Indiegirl,

I know you are right about exposure, I am just worried about him losing his job. I know that keeping the affair a secret is a big part of the problem. I have always had that problem of trying to keep my problems to myself for fear of what others might think of me. In this case I guess for fear of being seen as a helpless victim that can't solve her own problems without going to family for help. I know that is wrong, but that is how I feel. I admit I have felt like talking to his family for support but I am afraid of making things worse between him and me for exposing him.

PrayIncessantly,

Thank for your reply.

My first marriage ended almost 12 years ago because my ex husband is an alcoholic who refused to get help and was starting to become physically abusive.

My husband's first marriage ended because his ex wife had an affair when she returned to Mexico because she didn't like living in the United States. She had a child from that affair who she kept secret from my husband for almost seven years. My husband was easily kept in the dark about it because he wasn't able to travel back to Mexico because of his visa.

Let me tell you a story which will illustrate how exposure makes you appear stronger, rather than weaker.

A friend of mine discovered her partner of four years, her fiancee was cheating on her the same week as my own D-Day.

Because she wasnt married and didnt want to save the relationship, she did not do exposure. I did, in spite of being terrified, as most people are.

Both my friend and I believed the As were our secret, in our control as to who found out.

Not so. Many people already knew about her fiance's affair and my husbands. Waywards are not discreet. People talk. Even in big cities, it is a small world.

People who I exposed to, told me later that they had 'a feeling' but hadnt told me because they were not sure. They pitied me, but kept their mouth shut.

Worst of all, my young cousin who is only 11, saw my WH and the OW holding hands. She hadnt known what to do or say and just worried about me silently for months.

My friend, who did not expose, had to explain over and over again what happened in her relationship. I did not. She also kept coming across people who gave her mysteriously ptiying looks. She know says that she wishes she had been more upfront with people.

In contrast, people are very supportive of me. They told my WH he was a fool and told him to work on the marriage. They told OW they would not support such a relationship.

Unfortunately not everyone was supportive. There were a few who helped uphold the A. I was surprised at the people who backed me (pretty much all WH's extended family) and astonished at the few who didnt (female freinds of mine) It is impossible to predict who will help and who will hinder - but it is important to try.

And it is also a very good way of finding out who your true friends are.

Quite frankly if he loses his second job that might be a good thing. Him not being home at all contributed to the environment for an affair. Also you want to get him out of the environment of the affair and away from the affair partner.

Willing, what, exactly, is it that you are 'willing to change'? Because it sounds like you're not willing to change much, to be honest.

First of all: get back to your doctor and get a full battery of STD tests to rule out reinfection of an STD. If that skank was germy once, she will be again. And yes, they've probably hooked up again.

If you want to end this affair for good, you're going to need to expose this mess. I would suggest you make sure you expose it to their employer (if you're lucky one of them will get the ax) and his family. Make sure your children know, as well.

Get the info on OW - is she married? Her husband is a critical exposure target. Exposing to him may be the one thing that will end the affair.

Don't be afraid of doing the right thing, Willing. We'll help you through this!

willing - you're getting good advice already. i just wanted to add make sure you have your ducks in a row *before* you expose. you already have proof from your doctor, and in your husband's admission. remember those things when he/she/some people try to doubt you or twist your words - write it out if you have to read read from a script (this will be easy for those you are exposing via the internet, such as fb and email). and also remember to expose everywhere at once - one right after the other. start with the most important; people in a position to help you recover your marriage. this includes the employer. if miss skankyho is a long term temp, she can go. however, you must (must!) consider that your husband may have to leave this employment. when it comes down to live in fear forever or leave this particular job, i hope you pick the latter. let us know how it goes. you will be pleasantly surprised at where your support comes from. chin up, girl.

Wannabobhim,

You are right about that. His working two jobs and being gone most of the time has not been good for our relationship. I have thought the same thing about it being the best thing if he didn't work there anymore.

Maritalbliss,

Thanks for your reply.
I know that it seems I am making excuses and you are probably right. I am just so afraid to let everyone know about my problems. I have always been the strong one in my family and it is hard but I KNOW I must work on that right away.

I do have an appointment with my doctor to be retested for STDs. I have been in denial, but I must face the whole truth.

Letty,

You are absolutely right. It is better if he either loses his job or quits that to have to live in fear all the time. It would be hell to live like that.

A little update:

I had to really work up the courage, but following the advise I received here I decided to start on exposure. It was a baby step, but it took a lot from me to do it. Yesterday, I called one of my husband's co-workers and told him about the affair. I asked him about the OW and at first he assured me that nothing was going on with my husband or anybody at work. I explained to him that my husband had already confessed and that I just needed him to advise my husband that he should end the affair. His co-worker supplied more information that confused things even more. He SWORE TO GOD that the person my husband had told me he had the affair with could not be the right person. He sounded so sure about it. In the end he did admit that my husband had told him he had an affair with someone and that I had found out about it, but he repeatedly assured me that it was not with the person I thought it was.
That just opened up more questions for me. Now I am not sure whether the OW is a co-worker or not. When I first found out and he changed his story several times and the fact that he wouldn't tell me at first who the OW was made me think at the time that the reason he was hiding her identity was because it must be somebody I know, maybe a mutual friend or something like that. Now I am getting the same feeling and I am not sure how to find out the truth. How can I expose at work if I am not sure if this OW works with him or not? I am going to continue to expose to his family and mine whether is a co-worker or not.

After talking to his co-worker and finding out that there could be a whole different story than what he has told me, I couldn't take it anymore and I decided to write him a letter asking him to move out temporarily until he is able to make a full honest confession. I made it sound as lovingly and calmly as I could following the guidelines for the Plan B no contact letter. I made it clear that I will not accept any more lies or just a little trickle of truth. I told him I love him with all my heart, but that until he decides to stop all contact with the OW and proves to me that that is the case, we cannot begin to recover from this.

I left the letter on his night stand this morning. We'll see how he responds.

Thanks everyone. I will keep you updated, but please continue giving me your advise. I am even lost right now.

Willing, it's not uncommon for an adulterer to hide the true identity of his AP. I would suggest that you demand that he take a polygraph so you can get the complete truth.

Please don't expose further at this point. You don't want to expose to one person at a time. That will flag the adulterers that you are talking, and they'll make up a story to circumvent your exposure. ("She's a jealous crazy woman - OW and I are just good friends" etc.)

When you expose, it needs to be all at once.

WTC, wouldn't the coworker tell you who the OW is?

No I asked him several times but he didn't give me a straight answer. That is what makes me think that the OW might be someone I know and maybe he feels that if I found out who it is it would make things worse.