Question about emails from female coworkers and how others respond.

I'm not sure how to add to my previous thread,this may start a new thread.

I haven�t been on my thread in quite a while. 2 years post recovery. Doing very well. Spending lots of UA time/EP�s in place, I tell my W about any email from females that are not work related, etc�

Out of the blue I received an email from a divorced female co-worker in another state (I was never involved with, but went through training with many years ago) asking the following last month:

Female: Sub. Hey
What have you been up to?

Me (with wifes help): I just enjoyed a wonderful evening with my wife, headed to bed.

Female: Well, I�m glad you enjoyed the evening with your wife�� How is Texas treating you? You trying to get this way or are you looking more at xxx city.

I did not answer anymore, just ignored.

Today I received an email from another single female coworker (friend of the previous one, also in training with many years ago) I sent a report to headquarters, and this most recent female replied back (with my report attached, she may be processing the report)

Female: Hey! How is xx city?

I have not responded.

I am curious as to how FWS�s out there would answer emails like this in the work place.

My W says just to ignore it unless it�s actually a work related question, but does not mind if I give a quick reply that includes her. I may have to see/work with these women in the future (again, I was never involved with them)

My W and I discussed various ways to respond/not respond, and decided to seek MB insight.

My FWH and I agreed that he would ignore this type of email. There is no reason at all to respond to anything personal out of "courtesy." Respond only to the professional questions, and leave the rest alone.

Thank you Longway.

Good advice.

Does your wife have access to your work and personal email account so she can check when/if she wants to?

I still check periodically. Occasionally I've had to call my H on what I considered poor boundaries in an email. Calling someone a term of endearment or overly effusive complements was not okay with me, but I wouldn't have known about it without having access.

Thankfully, with my occasional monitoring and using the POJA, these slips have finally ended. It's taken a whole new way of looking at women for my H. He has learned that it's better to possibly offend some other woman by ignoring the personal remarks than to offend his own wife by engaging in them.

We also practice scenarios so he has a plan.

Is it possible that these women were fishing for information that may pertain to a company move or something else going on work wise?

Not that it would change the strategy of how you answer them. I just find it curious that they are both asking about "the city" or so it seems.

Even if they were doing that they were getting to personal and that is why it is best not to respond.

But these woman just as likely could of been fishing for a F Buddy. Sorry to point this out when a man learns that a woman who is married is sleeping around, the light bulb goes off in his head that she is easy. Not being a woman I will assume the same thoughts go through there minds.

People talk, is there any way these people know you were a FWH?

LWFH,
My wife has access to my personal email account. Work is a different subject due to my federal government position. She has access to my work voice mail and we periodically drop by the office at her spur of the moment request for her to look at my computer. She can also look at my work phone for email. The work computer has been a trust issue we have had to deal with but with several EPs in place we seem to be doing well in that area.

And yes being offensive or even rude is the new me. And scenarios are good. We do that as well. Not having a plan is a plan to fail.

Thanks for your insight.

SunnyD,
It is possible these women could be fishing. It would be a stretch, but possible.

Yes the strategy would be consistent. And yes them both asking about the city...curious..

Thank you for responding.

TR,

It is possible. I have a past with people they may have spoken with in the work place. Another reason to strictly adhere to EPs.

Great viewpoint.
Thank you

This is a very helpful thread. Thank you for posting! My FWH had a number of "friendships" with younger female interns via exchanges by e-mail prior to an EA/PA with one of them. Obviously he was cultivating a deeper connection from a normal collegial exchange. I found out about these past "friendships" post DD. In these normal professional exchanges by e-mail he used many expressions that I felt breached boundaries, e.g. "I have thought of you in the context of Project XYZ," "You have been on my mind because the deadline for Project XYZ was approaching," "I was at XYZ conference and thought of you," "I would love for you to do XYZ," "I am asking you to do that because I care about you," etc.

Now, he keeps his e-mails strictly to the point and does not answer e-mails that are personal in nature. I was shocked how many of these former "interns" were interested in being Internet paypals with my FWH. Some of them were cultivating this so that they could milk him for professional advise and recommendations/references but some were just interested in corresponding with him and talk about books they read, life in general, etc. All of this was pretty benign, but it violated my marriage because he was doing this in secret (claimed he was lonely) and spent an inordinate amount of time writing them at odd times of the day and at night to the detriment of our family time.

Another issue that I had found objectionable is LinkedIn - a website like FB for professionals. FWH used this medium like Match.com cultivating connections with females. It is amazing how many young professional women (many of whom were not based in the U.S.) were connecting with him this way.

yb1,

So many different ways for a wayward to go out of bounds.

I am reminded of an earlier post somewhere which mentioned the ability for a wayward to chat via the mobile phone app games such as Word's With Friends, Hanging With Friends, Scramble, etc, etc...

One can chat on those games without leaving a trail so as to set up secret meetings and so on. Fog sets in and the cycle goes on and on.

Glad my BS is there to keep me in check and continue our recovery with continued education.

A lot of affairs are starting online in game rooms.