HerPapaBear --- Thank you so much for your posts and links. The letter you posted made so much sense. It just clicked. My wife and I have read it together. Again - thank you so much.
You're welcome! Thank you's go a long way with everyone here.
Steve is MUCH different to the waywards that 99% of the people on this forum (my wife confirmed that Steve knew the truth - and I DIDN'T stretch anything to convince him to support that decision. I only hid my motives - not the reason.
Your thoughts don't surprise me. They are almost identical to the way I thought at one time.
During our first attempt at recovery (which later became our false recovery) we began using a highly recommended Christian Counselor. His track record with recovery from adultery was good. I spent some time discussing how fragile my wife was and how it would be detrimental to her mental health if all the truth were told, as well as other things. Sounds familiar, doesn't it.
I hid the truth too!
Today I call what I did.... Self preservation!
I lied to protect myself.
What was I protecting myself from? The same thing you were protecting yourself from. The wrath of my wife, as well as looking bad to all my friends and family!
And just like you, my counselor was stuck in a position to protect my lies until I was willing to disclose them. You put Steve Harley in the same position I put my own counselor in. They were forced to wait for us to get honest.
Here's another problem I faced;
Until I owned my lies and acknowledged it was all just self preservation, I was stuck in the trap of self delusion. (that's a place the enemy loves us to be) A real recovery, that transforms our innermost being, is not possible until we embrace RADICAL openness and honesty, even in regards to our motives.
Just as I owed my counselor and my wife a sincere apology for these lies, you owe Steve Harley and your wife an apology as well.
I pray you'll make it right!
(Read James 1:13-15)
