We've been married 32 years, and though I've always believed in faithfulness and the importance of loyalty, it clearly means a lot less to my husband. Some examples are:

I've often overheard other people saying things like "she seems nice - not at all like he makes out"
He constantly put his his job above the family - even when our son was ill, his hospital visits were overshadowed by worry over my husband's bosses' objection to the absence
When he lost that job five years ago, all the discussions about it were with another female friend, never at home, though even that friend remarked that I supported him to the hilt when it all came out.
He schemed with his family to prevent me joining discussions about a home we'd hoped to build on their land back in 2003; when I found out and asked for an open discussion about this, he once again went behind my back to say it wouldn't be going ahead, blaming me for it all
He's even been kind enough (?!!) to tell me who he'd move onto if anything should happen to me

I finally found out last November that he was having cyber sex with some girl in the far east - also he visited prostitutes locally. Even then he lied, denying various aspects until I showed I could prove each one. He claims he did it for attention and excitement and said I provided neither, even though nothing had been said to me, and the things we do (holidays, seeing friends, etc) are nearly always organised by me with him doing almost nothing. He was upset to be found out but not in any way remorseful, and clearly expects me to just forget about the whole thing

That's now 6 months ago, and I still don't know where to turn. He's also been ill a couple of times over the last year, so I feel I've got to be the good little wife even more now - but for heaven's sake, do I have to be put at the bottom of the pile for ever??!!! I'm frightened of leaving my home and starting again alone, but really don't see how I can possibly trust him - it's also getting harder by the day even to respect him. I did my crying alone as he doesn't like scenes, but now I just feel numb. I really want to rebuild things, but he's not comfortable talking about anything personal and now I simply feel as if I'm waiting for the next betrayal

Any advice would be very gratefully received .....

Lynnlost, I am not one of the veteran experts here. But I welcome you here (sadly) but with empathy. The veterans will help you here. Please listen to their advice. Your situation sounds grave but it is not hopeless and you are a very, very strong woman to be here. You will be challenged here to use your strength. I can only offer you encouragement to listen as the advice begins to flow. Do use your strength to act on what you hear. My mistakes in this process were in not listening. My marriage though not turned around, continues because eventually I began following the advice that I received.
Blessings....

Hurtingturkey,
Me BS 57
WW 50
Ours 12
Hers 19, 23
Mine 23, 28, 30

Lynnlost, welcome to marriage builders. It sounds like he has completely checked out of the marriage in every way. What kind of things have you done to attract him back into the marriage?

What kinds of things have you done to ensure he can't cheat again?