No, I didn't bring up OM's child. But he found out when he messaged OMW on facebook(from pictures). BH cared, b/c he was so angry that I had hurt an innocent little girl with my actions. I think he felt like I had held that back intentionally, and was being dishonest. Thus I felt like I had to be upfront about some other stuff. I will now leave it up to him.

Doro, first let me say that your husband is deserving of a lot more respect than you give him here. He is well able to take the lead in rebuilding your marriage, he doesn't NEED your permission. If my wife had done what you did , the chances of recovery would be nil. That he is still talking to you and interacting is a very good sign and a sign also that he is not the type of man to let his emotions run away with him. If you had been as circumspect, you wouldn't be here. I dissagree completely that you should, "let him lead', about the amount of info you give him. YOU TELL HIM EVERYTHING , UP FRONT!!!!! My wife had zero secrets, kept NOTHING back, and took a polygraph to prove it. Immediately after D-Day she would call me at any hour and tell me something that happened, that she might have thought was un-important or slipped her mind. She has even ASKED me to have her take a new poly, just to see if there is anything she has forgotten or avoided thinking about. Every time you tell him something about the affair that you have kept from him, EVEN ACCIDENTALLY, he will think you are lying or trickle-truthing him. This is why I firmly believe that , immediately after disclosure, everything should be brought to light, as soon as possible.

Dorom,

Thus I felt like I had to be upfront about some other stuff.

Good, while this might not save your M, it does destroy the last secrets you and OM shared. There should be no confidences between you and OM your BH is not privy to. This also prevents OM from meeting your BH at a bar 5 years from now and telling him an unknown detail.

If you date again you can also honesty say that you told your Ex-H everything and made amends as well as you could.

God Bless
Gamma

Did you speak to Steve about how much information to give now, and if you should let BH lead?

I know that it will be hard to deal with but I do believe that any BS should know the full details about their marriage so they can make an informed choice about their own life. Could it have been the timing?

My issue was more about timing than content of the conversation. Doro and H were having a nice, relaxed morning, enjoying each other's company. Then they talked about the A and spoiled all those positive love bank deposits.

AM

AM, that's kind of what I meant by timing. They were relaxing and enjoying each other's company and then Doro chose that time to talk about the A.

No, I haven't brought that up with Steve yet.

MirrorMirror, I know my H is full capable of leading to rebuild. He doesn't even know if he wants to rebuild, today even after I told him he said something to the effect of 'not really caring to know' etc.

AM, maybe the timing was bad- but I think the timing is never right for those sorts of things. I had been waiting for the right timing, for exactly this reason for a while- but it never seemed to appear.

When he originally asked me how things happened, I told him everything he asked, and then some. What I told him today was not so much of something that happened during affair, but something that didn't. I wanted him to know that although OM told me he had 'fallen in love with me', I did not reciprocate. I don't know if he was wondering about that at all, but it was something I wanted him to know, whether he asked me or not.

I'll talk to Steve and see what he says about the leading- although, at this point, I can't think of anything else to tell him.

oops

" The time has come," the Walrus said, "to talk of many things, of shoes--and ships--and sealing wax, of cabbages and Kings." Thanks to Lewis Carroll. Doro, please take this in the spirit in which it is given. A spirit of concern and hope. Your marriage has been a disaster from start until now, right? You have cheated twice and your husband once in only 4 years ( 3 of marriage). You are both young, and have the resilience and (more importantly) the time to find somebody else, to learn from your past mistakes and to build a bright new future. Your husband doesn't trust you and probably won't for many years to come, even IF he were willing to give you a second chance. You also have to ask yourself how much of your desire to R is based on love of your husband and how much is based on guilt and your tarnished self-image? Most experts say that it takes as long as 5 or 6 years to fully recover from an affair, that means that you will be in recovery for twice as long as your marriage existed previously. If BOTH of you do everything absolutely according to plan, you will still have a marriage that began with deceit and adultery. What kind of marriage is that? I feel that for BOTH of your sakes, you should divorce and consign the past, to the past. Remembering the lessons you have learned, you CAN have the marriage BOTH of you truly want, but with new loves for both of you , and without the baggage of infidelity. I wish you all the luck in the world.

The BS gets to control what he wants to know about the affair. Always.

You/WS may feel better about telling the BS things but telling is not about making the WS feel better.

The reason the BS controls what qyestions get asked is that once something is answered it can't be untold.

What you think is small can be more then your BS can handle.

All this time on MB and you have never heard of this?

What TR mentioned about "what BH can handle", and "what is heard cannot be unheard" is incredibly important to your chances right now, friend.

Let me give you an example, using your story of yesterday:

DoroM: Even though POSOM told me he loved me, I never told him I loved him

BH,if he had asked the question, thinking: (Okay, I guess I can be glad she knew there were some things that her affair did NOT represent.)

BH, having this presented unasked, thinking: (She thinks THAT'S supposed to make me feel better, that she dropped her knickers so easily, for NOTHING?)

DoroM, you know your situation better than we do. You must also know that you have a razor-thin chance to get through this with your marriage intact. Don't give away any points, okay?

MM, did I miss something? Is there a post that mentions the BH in this case having had an affair himself?

Sorry, Doro, I remember that your husband has issues with porn, and not an affair. My bad.

Regarding sharing unasked info- I recently have been reading so much stuff about 'trickle truth' that to be honest, I wasn't sure what to do (share or not). It was sort of like coming up to a yellow light and thinking, "Do I go or stop!?" Well, I went through the light.

NG, the reason I wanted him to know that, is b/c when I had originally told him what happened, I had told him the truth that I did in fact have feelings for this other guy. I just never defined what they were or were not, b/c I thought if I said, "I didn't love him" it would be trying to diminish the seriousness of what I did do.

Anyway- as you said, no use crying over spilt milk.

While I can't say I necessarily appreciate your advice, I do appreciate that you say it with concern. I understand your concern, and I've already thought about all of the stuff you've written. Thank you for taking the time to voice your opinion, but I am going to have to respectfully decline your advice.

Steve Harley has talked to both BH and myself, and he has not given either of us this advice. He actually told BH that he was going to have to heal no matter what, and he would have a better chance of healing healthier with me, than without me. Since I highly doubt he's hurting for business so badly, to just string me along to make some money, I'm going to believe that what he says is true.

The guilt and tarnished self image? Those are not the things that are behind me wanting to save my marriage. If anything, those are things that make me want to run for the hills. Move to a different state where I never have to see the hurt in BH eyes again. Or have to shamefully face his friends and family after what I've done to him and them. My deep love for my H (however badly I've chosen to show him), is what is behind my decision to try to R our marriage. My love and respect for him, was what drove me to be honest and tell him both times what I did to him.

He is an amazing person, and I love him more than I can express. I know we could have a wonderful future together, and I believe that God can turn any terrible situation/person into a new creation for his glory. I do not believe our marriage is beyond redemption. Alas, that is not for me to decide at this point. It's up to BH. While I had always known the 'serenity prayer' before, all my trips to AA recently, have made it hit home. All I can do is ask for courage and strength to change me and my actions. I can not control his reaction to whatever I do. I can not control the reaction of his family and friends. The only thing in my power is my actions, and those I am trying my hardest to bring in line with what God wants for me. And right now, I believe that God wants me to fight for our marriage and show love to my H with all that I am.

Doro, with respect, I don't think you really respect your husband at all. You say that "your love and respect for him ", is what drove you to confess. Did it just magically appear? Where was it before, during , and after TWO affairs? Did you climb out of bed with the OM, snap your fingers, and say, "gee, I just remembered, I love and respect my husband, silly me, I forgot". It doesn't work that way. You have shown a pattern of spousal abuse, disrespect and deceit. A ONS or short affair can possibly be attributed to various marital stresses. TWO affairs in a three year marriage is symptomatic of a deep character flaw that requires professional help, and I hope you get it. BTW, you want to save your marriage for your own reasons, and only marginally for your husband's sake. AS a BS who did reconcile, if your husband were to come here and read this post, I would counsel him to leave you as soon as possible. You are not good wife material.

Maybe I'm being nitpicky here, but it wasn't two affairs. The first was a drunken ONS, and I told my H two days later. The 2nd was a 2 week PA, followed by a 3 week EA(emailing). And a month later, I told my H.

Was I disrespectful and deceitful in those actions? Yes. I wholeheartedly admit that. If I hadn't have decided to tell my H about BOTH times, no one would've ever known. No one blackmailed me and threatened to tell, no one caught me in the middle of it. After it sunk in what I had done, I knew I had to tell my H, b/c I do love him. The first time I came to the conclusion I had to tell him right away on my own. The second time, it took the good people here to steer me in the right way, b/c I was still pretty foggy- I just didn't know it at the time. Not to mention I was scared sh*tless, because I knew he would want to D- but I still knew I must give him that option.

With all due respect, please do not tell me why I want to save my marriage, because you do not know what is going on in my head.

You're in luck, because I'm pretty sure my H does come here and read this thread, so I'm sure he will get your message. I can only pray he disregards it.

Mirror Mirror she is getting professional help, at what point should she disregard Steve Harleys advice?

As for her betrayed husband deciding she is not marriage material, that's his decision and one he is fully entitled to make. No one, including Doro has said otherwise.

You didn't get my point, did you? You can't turn love and respect on and off like a water faucet. You don't eff some other guy and then magically love and respect your husband again. That's [censored]. So NOW you think your husband is awesomely wonderful, and can't imagine how it all happened. You are doing everything to be a saintly wife, and you wonder why he doesn't believe you? If somebody hit you in the mouth, apologized, hit you in the mouth again, apologized again, would you believe them if they said it would never happen again? Your husband may be many things, but he probably isn't stupid. My advice to him and to you as well, is divorce, and work on making yourself a better, more honest, less selfish person. Three years of marriage and cheated twice? That's not a marriage that's a disaster. I say this for the good of BOTH of you.