I just received a birthday card from my sister, with a note in which she wished me a lot of joy in the coming year. What was she thinking of? Would she have said that if my H had recently died? His abandonment is a thousand times worse.<P>I realize that she thinks men are virtually useless, but I think this was incredibly insensitive, and it certainly made me feel a lot worse.

I agree, Nellie. Some people just don't realize, I don't think. They don't mean to be cruel, they just don't think.<P>I spoke with a minister recently about the loss of marriage. He was wonderful. He had recently taken additional training for counseling couples whose marriages were dissolving. He said the church has not recognized for way too long the special grieving of spouses whose marriage is ended. He said he now knows that most people do not realize that not only do they deal with the grief of losing their spouse and the life they shared and planned to share, but also the incredible rejection and sense of failure that inevitably arises. A very wise man, but, unfortunately, many people don't understand this.<P>And I am very thankful, for their sakes, that they don't.<P>We're all sensitive, and I'm sure she meant no harm. Neither did the dear friend who told me, 3 days after my husband left as I was bawling and throwing up, that I was still young and it was time to "get on with my life".<P>Lori

Nellie,<BR> I don't think your sister meant any harm.Remember,she doesn't know what your're feeling,not really.Maybe she was just trying to give you a positive outlook,or didn't want to say anything depressing.You should let it go.By the way,last Christmas(after my W moved out)she sent me a Christmas card.Underneath where it says"Happy New Year",she wrote"The Best!".For who,her and her new trophy-boyfriend? Isn't life fun? --Murph

Nellie,<BR>I know that nothing is positive for you, but<BR>Maybe what she felt was that may you find more happiness in the coming year than you had this year!!! Can it get much worse for you? After all is that not what we all hope for...that the future is not as painful as the present...whatever it is. If we knew sometimes what life holds for us in the future, we would have no hope, and maybe this is where the feelingsa and wishes came from.<P>I truly hope that this new year for you brings you some inner peace in many ways.You are a warm and loving parent and your children are so fortunate to have you as a parent.<P>I am not looking forward to my b'day next month....I got married on my birthday so this will be a very very sad day for me...23 years of marriage down the drain and i will be 45 years old

Nellie, My birthday was three day after H left. One of my sisters didn't send me a card but the other did, my mother mil and sil did. But each one wrote that they knew it wasn't a happy birthday but they just wanted me to know that I was loved and thought about. The sister who didn't send a card called and said the she wanted me to know the samething. She said they didn't make cards to send under these circumstances for birthdays. (She has gone throught this herself) You said your sister dispises men, but maybe all she wanted you to know was that you are loved and were thought of. Like I said there is no such things as cards to wish a bithday when your spouse is having an affair. Hey maybe we need to write one we could make a fortune on the people on this board alone But seriously we are all sensitive. I got the cards didn't read them but appreciated the gesture.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Nellie,<BR>Yes, you are being wayyyyyyy to sensitive. It is always dangerous to attatch a negative personal meaning to other people's actions.<P>My personal code is if I have a problem with something I have two choices. Confront and resolve the problem, or let it go.<P>Just think if you acted "as if" sister was insensitive. It would start a downward spiral. If you are offended, you have an obligation to nicely go to the person and be honest. If you suffer in silence you either suffer needlessly or you pass up any opportunity to reconcile the situation.<P>I know it is hard when pain is all around you.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Nellie--<P>Yes, you ARE being overly sensitive. That's because you're hurting. That's what happens when we hurt. I'm glad you're posting here instead of lashing out at your sister...I think she genuinely means she wishes you joy next year, instead of the pain she knows you're going through NOW. <P>I think people surrounding someone in anguish feel a little helpless at times. Sometimes they're unthinking. Sometimes they even get a little impatient with the grieving process, not understanding its intensity. And sometimes they even get a little miffed, or hurt themselves, when hurt makes you just want to stare at a wall instead of doing something THEY think is fun or will get your mind off the problem.<P>It might help you come to terms with unsettled feelings about your sister's card to write her a letter back? Thank her. Tell her you hope so too. Tell her what you've been FEELING. And...that you love her. <P>Laura

lostva, murph, willbok, SDS,FHL, lucks,<P>Thanks for your responses. I guess I would have expected my sister to be a bit more sensitive, since she should understand what I am going through. Maybe not, though, because when her H cheated on her she immediately divorced him. I often think she by encouraging me to dump him, she is just trying to justify what she did. She has been encouraging her youngest daughter to dump her H ever since they married, and now they are in the process of divorce and she (the daughter) is expecting a baby by another man, whom my sister apparently also wants or expects her to dump. <P>Knowing full well the circumstances of my H's abandonment, she actually asked me if another of her daughters was angry at me, since this daughter doesn't believe in separation/divorce when there are children involved. I asked her how she could possibly think she would be angry at me, since the separation wasn't my idea, and I told my sister that I completely agreed with my niece. For once my sister seemed at a loss for words.<P>I try to be more sensitive to my sister's feelings than she is to mine, especially since she is grieving for her murdered son, but sometimes she acts like she just wants me to hurt as much as she is.

Nellie,<P>Please be careful what you <I>wish</I> for. I know you weren't saying that you wish your H was dead, but by making that comparison you come pretty close to saying it would be "better" if he were. There is <B>nothing</B> that can compare to the death of a loved one. Nothing. And I don't mean the death of a distant relative, but I'm talking about the death of a spouse or a child or someone you see, interact with, care for, or receive love and care from on a daily basis. That loss is like no other, believe me, been there.<P>Death is final. No more chances. Done. At least with your H still living there is still a chance he may come to his senses one day. There is a chance that he may realize what an absolute jerk he has been. And that doesn't mean he has to come back to you, but it could mean that one day he may start treating you and your children more respectfully. My point is, with life, there is still a chance. With death, there is not.<P>I've kept up with your posts here on this forum for a while and they are so heartbreaking. I realize like all of us, you probably use this place to vent your darkest feelings. But I sincerely hope that you can see the blessings that are all around you. Everyone has things they can be grateful for, and I hope you aren't overlooking them. Look into your children's faces, I'm sure there must be something more than pain there. Whether your H comes back or not, one day you will be thinking back on all this and wonder why you let it define you for so long. One day you may want all these days back so you can LIVE.<P>Maybe that's what your sister meant by that card. Maybe that card was her <I>hope</I> for your future. If that is the case, then that is what we all hope for you. I hope for all of us that this new year is our BEST ever! <P>

lark,<BR>I wasn't implying that I wish my H were dead. I just meant that the grief I am feeling is just as bad as if he were. I do know what it is like to lose people close to you - both my parents died within six months of each other when I was in my twenties. But this is ten thousand times worse. At least then I had the memories - when I think of them, I can remember the good times, and the love. With my H, it is as if he has killed all the memories, like my entire adult life has been a lie.

Nellie,<P>I know you weren't saying you <I>wish</I> your H was dead, and I said that in my first line. I guess I was speaking more in terms of if your H were to die now. It'd be final. I guess you are talking about if he had died prior to the infidelity. So, we were on different wavelengths. <P>Sure, if he had died <B>before</B> the infidelity, you could have had peaceful and loving rememberances of him. You'd have never known what he was capable of, nor would you have known anything was <I>wrong.</I> But now, you feel all that "innocene" is lost, and I can understand that. Infidelity sure does take the innocence away! But, still, like I said, there is always hope and always a chance. Not necesarily that he will come back to you, but that he will come to his senses and begin to treat you and your children respectfully. There's still hope for that. In death, it is final.