I'm the BS in this situation and don't know what to do. Yes I cheated but is nowhere on the same level as her unfaithfulness. Here's the situation:
1. She started the physical affair 1 week after our 1 year anniversary
2. She had only know the guy 3 weeks(actually if you wanna be detailed he came in the store twice a week for 3 weeks less than an hour each time.)
3. It only took him asking her 1 time to go meet
4. She was off the pill that entire year because we were trying to conceive
5. She let the physical affair happen a whole year and only stopped because she got scared when I found an email
6. She lied about if for 12 years

No how am I suppose to believe he was the only one when it happened so easily and so long?

I really don't know what to do

I could almost excuse it and move on if she had worked with side by side with the guy and they grew close to each other. Or even if it was a one night stand and she was drunk but she wasn't. She was at work and sober. He asked her the day before to meet and she had all that day at work, all that night, and the next morning to think about it. The spot they were meeting at was a 15 to 20 min drive so she also had that whole drive to think about it. Where was the thought of me? How could she do this? And it wasn't the first time. She cheated on me when we first started going out so she's already had 1 second chance. Now she has waited 12 years to come forward. I have spent 12 years with her and have 2 kids. Am I just suppose to throw that all away now? Is that what she had planned all along, cause she knew if she had told me back then I would leave and now I'm trapped?

so this happened 12 years ago?

Sorry to hear your problems.

What do yo mean you cheated but not on the same level?

She woke up every day for a whole year and had the chance to stop, but didn't

I knew she had but couldn't prove it. So 4 years later, she started acting the same way so I figured she was cheating again. Also her dad had died and left her a large sum of cash that she was letting her aunt "hold" for her. Each time I would ask her about it, she would tell me not to worry about it that it was her damned money. So I figured she was cheating again and fixing to leave. An opportunity came up and I had sex with a friend of ours 4 times over 6 weeks. I felt really bad about it so stopped. I originally thought it would make me feel better about her cheating on me but didn't. That's why I don't understand how she could do that to me for a whole year and not feel bad about it

I figured she had cheated a few times. Never dreamed it was 14 times(or more) for a whole year.

BS, you look at your affair with your "friend" and think that it was okay, since you assumed your WW was having an affair, and that you were close. How did this "opportunity" arise? How would you have felt if your WW didn't have an affair, ever, and you had still had this affair with your "friend"? Speaking of which, do you have ANY contact with this "friend"?

I am in NO WAY excusing what your WW did, she was very wrong. You were wrong in your adultery as well. You need to work on what YOU did.

To get the full truth about your wife's affair(s), you should ask her to take a poly.

blindsided, welcome to MArriage Builders, I am sorry for the reasons that bring you here. We can understand the pain you are in. You not only have an affair to deal with, but you have 12 years of lying and mean head games to think about. For 12 years she tried to trick you. That is a very serious thing.

You probably can recover from this, but it will take a very strict approach to this program. We have people here who have actually been through worse than you who are in fully recovered, happy, ROMANTIC marriages today. If you go through a proper recovery, the romantic feelings you develop will replace the resentment you feel for your wife.

What it will take is just compensation on her part. I will post that article and additionally, I would consider going through the Marriage Builders program [it is done online and they assign you a counselor] or get phone counseling with Dr Harley's children, Steve Harley or Dr Jennifer Chalmers. They can give you a plan to overcome this.

As far as your own adultery, I am not going to be as hard on you as I was on your wife. The reason is because I know you did it because you were devastated and not thinking clearly. That is no excuse, but there were extentuating circumstances. It was a stupid, degrading thing to do and I think you realize that.

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

blindsided, I agree with the others that you have her take a polygraph test to see if there are more affairs. She has a long habit of lying and may be withholding more surprises.