ok, here we go.

The first of February, my husband admitted to having an EA with a vendor from work for the last 8 months that turned into a PA in the last few weeks. Part of his reason for admitting it, is because he was trying to decide if he wanted to leave the family and try to make things work with her. He never said "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." In fact, he said he loved me very much, but basically that the OW was meeting his emotional needs and they had "passion" and if he could, he would stay with our family basically while she supplemented his needs. We talked through everything and I believe we have a good picture of the needs that he felt weren't being met. I was shocked that this would happen to me as we intentionally waited until we were married to be intimate so I never thought he would become intimate with someone else.

So, after an all nighter of talking, I told him he had to break things off with her completely and have NC or he needed to leave. I told him he could not have a girlfriend while being married to me. He basically said that he wasn't willing to blow up his family (we have 2 kids that are 5 and 7), but he didn't know how he could live without the OW. He decided though to end things with her via a phone call that next morning.

As I've learned and we all know, if there isn't NC...they drift back together. My husband after a few days started seeing the OW again through work and basically picked up where he left off. He lied to me and told me things were over that he didn't want to blow up his family. At this point, I told a few friends...but we did not expose it. I didn't realize he was seeing her as the phone calls, emails, etc that I had access to stopped. But I did notice that he was agitated and not fully ready to commit to our marriage. I assumed he was going through withdrawal so I tried to give him space. He shared all the affair details with me and patiently answered any questions asked. He was not willing though to have NC, quit his job or whatever.

After 3 weeks though, he was no closer to wanting to work on our marriage. While I didn't think he was still having an affair, I knew mentally, he was still committed to her. I basically told him that he needed to leave our house until he could choose our marriage or her.

He left that night and met with the OW and broke it off completely. He came home and told me that he broke it off for good that he wanted to be with me. His whole countenance changed...he for the first time in 3 weeks apologized...said he would do whatever it took to make our marriage work. He planned to have NC and even quit his job if necessary. I was thrilled. That day though, the OW...kept emailing him. Each time he got an email, he showed it to me and we deleted it together. I felt like that was huge progress.

She sent him an email that night saying she was in the ER and that the doctor had found a mass on her brain and that she had told her husband and he had left her. At this point, he didn't believe her, he agreed that she was doing whatever she could to try to get him to stay with her. He told her that he would be calling her husband the next day to let him know what was happening. The OW freaked out and told her husband the next day that my husband was harassing her and the she was covering up an affair that my husband was having with another woman. All lies. In fact, turns out she told a ton of lies all during the affair...that her husband beat her, etc.

My husband called her husband, apologized for what happened, admitted to everything. He told his work. He told her work and initiated no contact. Her cell numbers are blocked from our phones. He told our friends. In the process though, our friends acted out of anger and frustration which only made things worse. He felt like he was doing the right thing and telling everyone and then everyone crapped on him...maybe that was too soon.

It's been 1-1/2 weeks since no contact...but now I believe he's in withdrawal...I can tell he's trying to work on our marriage, but he feels angry and frustrated and depressed at all the lies. He is missing her and what he thought they had.

It's really hard during this phase. I feel scared, panicky, etc. He's meeting with a therapist and willing to get help. But he's angry and crying all the time.

What is my best way to help right now? What do I do? It's so hurtful to know that he's missing the OW when I wish he was crying because he had an affair and he hurt me. He can't even worry about my feelings right now. He told me he's going to do whatever it takes, but it hurts to watch your husband sit around and cry.

any thoughts?

Scared,

There will be experienced posters along shortly to provide input so hang in there.

For what its worth, I think exposing it and blocking the OW completely out of your lives are the right things to do and hopefully your Husband will get on board with recovery once he gets through the withdrawal phase, with your help.

It's good that he's home with you now......if he leaves he becomes very vulnerable to the OW. I speak from experience on that one.

Good luck.

SS, welcome to Marriage Builders.

I started reading your thread and assumed a bad outcome - I was very heartened to hear that your WH has done so much to help you and your marriage!

There are still things that need to be done in order to recover your marriage. The first thing I will suggest is that you IMMEDIATELY order the book Surviving an Affair - you can get that in the bookstore at this website or on Amazon. It will be your handbook for recovery.

Next: make sure EVERY AVENUE OF CONTACT IS GONE. Change your WH's email. Change any phone number she has for contacting him.

Have you read the articles on this site? There is valuable information here for safeguarding your marriage from further infidelity.

It's very early in the recovery process for you. Expect wild swings in your mood. That's the 'rollercoaster'. You're on the Recovery Ride, hun. Stay with us and we'll help you as you go through this.

SS, I know you've got other things on your mind, but for the record, in your FIRST post ever, you may have related the looniest "desperate OW" plea we've seen here:

"I'm in the ER with a brain tumor!"

I hope your moronic WH eventually realizes just how close he came to losing you for this irrational strumpet.

For the moment, I pity him for his immaturity and ongoing lack of good sense. That probably doesn't help you help him, but the point is that he hasn't shown the beginnings of the resolve needed to help himself.

Are you SURE you want to keep him around?

NG, settle.

Thanks guys for the feedback...very helpful to just write out part of the story!