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So I just found out that my wife has had an affair. We were having some issues and I did a little checking around and found out. He's from out of state so I'm not sure yet about all the details.
We have decided to try and work it out if possible. Here's my problem: I can't get the images of her with him out of my head. I am trying not to think about it but I keep wondering what they did. My question for this forum is if I should ask her to answer my questions about some of the details of the affair.
What does anyone think? Is this not ok to do?
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Outofnowhere,
You have a right to the full details, you need to gather as much information as you can, withholding details from the betrayed spouse, bs, is cruel.
Ultimately if your WW does not come clean you may need to schedule a polygraph.
What do you know about OM is he married, age etc?
God Bless
Gamma
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My question for this forum is if I should ask her to answer my questions about some of the details of the affair. Absolutely! And the affair should be exposed. If the OM is married, his wife should be informed. Your family, her family and your children should be informed of her affair. That is the first step towards recovery. Additionally, the conditions that led to the affair should be eliminated and your marriage affair proofed. If she had the affair on the internet, then she should not be on the internet without you. Her life should become completely transparent so that it would be impossible for her to have another affair. I would also snoop on her to ensure this doesn't happen again. That will build your trust enormously.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Here is a rough outline of what it will take to recover your marriage by Dr Harley: "The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Outofknowwhere,
This is the best site on the planet! I found myself here about 2 years ago in August. Was married for 16 years and hadn't been the greatest husband but was working on..but anyways..
I found out she was talking to her best friends brother..omg gosh..we can all empathise with you and where your at..Listen to what these people have to tell you and just be still and stay as calm as you can..nothing will happen fast and just remember..no matter how sweet, great, whatever..Waywards will lie! Verify and snoop...and listen to MB and read..I don't post much but...just remember this she is there so it can be saved but don't just settle..ok..not sure if this post helps or not but I have to run to PT...Sorry your hear but it's the best place, I promiss!
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Your wayward wife needs to give you all the details that YOU want or need to know. But, be careful. If she is forthcoming, some of those images and details you can never unhear.
For me, I needed to know things like where they met and how they would get together. How often I could piece together from her schedule.
I did NOT want to know the gory details of their physical encounters and never asked.
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If your WW is telling the truth about trying to recover your marriage then she should be a open book. If you don't get the information you need to help you heal recovery will fail.
GG
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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OON, please tell us more about you. How long married? Any kids?
Who is the piece of censored who weaseled his way into your marriage?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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This is a great forum. Everyone here seems to genuinely be concerned for others on here. Thanks to everyone.
So we have been married for about 7yrs. We have 2 girls (2yr old and 3 month old). I found out that the guy is her ex from before we got married. She says she still has feelings for him which I said was normal. We all carry feelings for an ex with us that may never go away.
I went ahead and asked her some details that I feel like I need to know to be able to put some kind of closure to the actual affair for me. She hasn't answered me yet. I told her I would ask her through an email so it wouldn't make her uncomfortable answering. Like I said before, my mind is just being consumed with some of the details. I guess a lot of it is my insecurity caused by the whole situation. At this point I don't know whether she did this because I'm not satisfying her or what.
All kinds of things are being "created" in my mind and I am not able to get anything done at work or anytime that I'm not with her. I haven't been able to bring myself to be intimate with her even though we are doing fairly weel at working on this.
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At this point I don't know whether she did this because I'm not satisfying her or what. The reason she had the affair is because she has poor boundaries around men. Apparently, she has stayed in touch with old lovers and you can see how taht turns out! One of the most important steps in affair proofing a marriage is eliminating opposite sex frienships. That is a critical part of eliminating the conditions that led to the affair. Is this guy married? Do you know everything about him? Such as his name, occupation, etc?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I do know his name and where he works. I'm not sure it's a good idea that he and I cross paths anytime soon because I am seriously furious with him.
This affair has been more than a shock to me. If you only knew my wife. She is one of the sweetest most loyal people on the planet. She has told me since this happened that she has never, ever thought of herself as being this person. She told me that she is so dissapointed in herself because of what she did because it has always been something that she has been against.
That's what makes it even more painful to me. That she has always been so against it yet she did it to me. I am having a VERY hard time coming to terms that she has slept with someone else. I just can't get those thoughts out of my head!!
I keep replaying things in my head from the past few weeks. Like the last time she told me she went to "see" him. She had come home to be with the kids for a little while. I noticed that she kept watching the time and kept telling the oldest kid that she had to leave in a few minutes. I thought that was odd, but didn't think about an affair. I guess because I didn't WANT to. She told me when I confronted her about the affair that was the day she "met" him at a hotel. These are the things that are ripping me apart right now.
I think about how she was planning that day to go sleep with him while she was there talking to me about work and playing with our kids. This is just not her!!
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This affair has been more than a shock to me. If you only knew my wife. She is one of the sweetest most loyal people on the planet. She has told me since this happened that she has never, ever thought of herself as being this person. She told me that she is so dissapointed in herself because of what she did because it has always been something that she has been against. The mechanics of "how" affairs begin is very standard. The steps a "good person" may take to allow themselves to cross the line are documented on this link. Dr Harley is correct. The "primary reason" people have affairs is this ~~~> They allow someone other than their spouse to meet intimate (important and high ranking) emotional needs. Usually in incremental steps. The above link describes how a 'church going' person will often fall into the trap of lowering his/her protective marriage boundary. Lesson for all of us:Marriage boundaries are for OUR PROTECTION. Marriage boundaries are not a punishment.
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outofnowhere, is the OM married?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I told her I would ask her through an email so it wouldn't make her uncomfortable answering. Never protect a wayward from the consequences of adultery. She should feel discomfort! If she does not feel intense (and I mean very painful) discomfort, what will stop her from a repeat adultery in the future? Never, and I do mean NEVER, protect a wayward from the consequences of their decision. She (WW) chose the behavior, she (WW) chose the consequences. Feeling like crud about adultery is GOOD for the marriage.
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outofnowhere, is the OM married? It is imperative this question be answered.
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No, he is not married. After I found out who it was I told her that if she has any desire to try and work this out between us that she had to break any and all contact with him forever...no discussion. I told her that if I ever found out (and I will) that she had spoken to or crossed paths with him ever again it was over.
From what I can tell, she has appeared to comply with that request.
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No, he is not married. After I found out who it was I told her that if she has any desire to try and work this out between us that she had to break any and all contact with him forever...no discussion. I told her that if I ever found out (and I will) that she had spoken to or crossed paths with him ever again it was over.
From what I can tell, she has appeared to comply with that request. Chances are good she will break this promise within 4 weeks.
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Who have you told about WW's adultery?
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Do you know for a true FACT that he is not married? Have you independently verified this?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have told noone.
Does everyone believe she will break the promise? This is something I REALLY don't want to believe.
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