My WW began complaining about lack of love and affection within 2 weeks of our marriage and after 8 years of dating (I was her first serious boyfriend). WW complained that there was not a feeling of "post wedding bliss". These complaints resurfaced several times over the next 9 months. We discussed and together dismissed these complaints as her work stress, PMS and high expectations.

However, 3 months ago when she started to share these intimate issues with a male colleague (OM), she developed an emotionally connected relationship with this other person within 2 weeks. She now believes that he is her soul mate because their connection is so real and so strong.

She moved out of home 6 weeks ago and is likely to have started an affair based on email evidence. She feels extremely confused, guilty and immoral. She is blaming our marriage breakdown on issues in our relationship, different personalities, and her parents and family expectations. She has not taken responsibility for addressing our marital issues (her words) and I feel she has not taken responsibility for the affair when she says that she "was not looking for it but the feelings were so strong and real". She is only listening to people that agree with her current views. Her values of "never divorce after marriage" have now changed to "never divorce after having children". She gets confused whenever she catches up with me for a meal and chat.

I have done a lot of reading and self reflection and agree that I contributed greatly to her feelings in our marriage by not responding and expressing love and affection in a way that she appreciates. I want to grow and reconcile our marriage as I love my wife deeply. However, my poor wife is still very confused.

Our separate individual therapists do not seem to understand or help our issue. I have suggested that my wife see a specialized marriage counselor (initially by herself) to help work through her feelings. So far she has not done this.

I am trying Plan A and to stay caring and patient after having worked through my own feelings of anger and betrayal but have deep anxiety when she doesn't return calls or SMS text messages. I have begun eating and exercising properly and contacting close friends and family to address anxiety but its a battle when the she's cold to me or when I read emails from the OM.

Any help would be appreciated as this "waiting in anguish" phase is not discussed anywhere

First of all, you should not pity her. If she feels bad about OM and the affair, that is her fault.

Second--expose the affair immediately! To her parents, your parents, and anyone who could influence either her or the OM.

Thirdly--pertaining to exposure. Exposing to her work could make a great deal of difference, as most workplaces do NOT want people fooling around on company time.

Fourthly--You may not have been filling needs properly, but SHE is the one who had the affair. YOU did absolutely nothing to deserve having your heart ripped out.

Fuzzy, since you mention having an 8 year relationship prior to marriage, did you live together during that time? Dr. Harley recommends couples don't (I made the same mistake).

You might try reading Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders. It's a great overview of different mindsets in the transition from relationship to marriage. There's even a part about expectations that things will magically change after a wedding (sounds like that is what your wife expected with the idea of "post-marital bliss").

As for your wife, you won't be able to reach her so long as she is in a relationship with another man. You probably need to post more info on her for the super experienced folks...your ages, did you live together, is the OM married. And a full exposure is going to be your best way to destroy the affair so that you can build a romantic relationship with your wife. The relationship she seems to desire is exactly the one you can have with marriage builders...but it's not worth approaching with her at all while she's in an active affair (and in fact, you don't want to even mention it yet...you'd be giving away your secret war strategies if she found this site).

Also, you should read Surviving an Affair.

Finally, individual counseling will not get you to a stronger marriage, as you've identified, and neither will most marriage counseling. It sounds like you recognize that your own individual counseling is not helping you...so it's not a good idea to continue. Dr. Harley does counseling, or if you can't afford it, you can also call his radio show for some free advice and he'll even send you a book or two for free as well. I listen to the radio show almost every day and have learned a ton.

Sorry you are here but welcome to MB.


WW's particularly do not feel remorseful while they are foggy so I would forget about trying to get her to take responsibility while she is still actively wayward. Not to mention trying to "straighten her out" and talk her out of the affair is a big lovebuster and will just keep pushing her further the other way.

Definitely don't try getting her to a marriage counselor and don't encourage the IC anymore. IC and MC typically does more damage than good for marriage. After the A has ended, you can make it a condition of yours to stay in the M that she work MB with you, including coaching with the Harleys.

So for now, you need to focus on exposure. That is the biggest and best tool you have for breaking up the A. When posters mention Plan A but fail to mention exposure...it typically means they are working the carrot but not the stick. Please note: Plan A DOES NOT work without the stick. I will be back with some links...

Must Read Links:

Carrot & Stick of Plan A

Exposure 101

Your story is identical to mine. Actually every story is identical.

It's not your fault. Expose this to everyone NOW! Take a couple days off work and tell the world. You need to take control of the situation. I made the mistake of not doing it soon enough.

Assuming you can alter your thinking from "my poor wife" to "my cheating spouse", here will be your game-plan. Some of this will be difficult with her at a different residence (wish you came here months ago), but you'll get the drift.

NEVERGUESSED�S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. (�Eblaster� can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take �personal� calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and �on� whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife�s contacts, to the tune of: �I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333�
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM�s contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

Did you live together before you got married?

Vital stats:
BS 34
WW 27
No kids
BS and WW were not living together prior to M
BS and WW dated 8 years prior to M
OM 30

Exposure:
WW parents and siblings
WW BFF
BS family
BS close friends
WW Boss - email drafted but not sent

If I had the clarity (ie openess to life advice) to find MB early on in M, I would have avoided this devastation.

Regarding carrot and stick, WW explicitly detailed emotional needs but BS and WW agreed that there were explanations and never resolved the recurring issues. WW tried to improve M by seeking another point of view, disappointingly from male colleague friend (OM) - WW mistake 1. WW developed feelings and rejected advancing OM but stayed friends and continued a lot of contact (WW mistake 2). Emails support this. A date is the date WW stopped constant SMS text messaging with BS.

Current situation: BS in limbo waiting for WW to make a choice between BS and OM. WW has become alien with rationalizations and justifications (see first post).

Not sure how to continue with Plan A if WW finally makes a choice.

I would add the OM's family to the list of exposure targets. If he has a facebook page, I would expose to his facebook contacts. Read the link in my signature for instructions. His mother might have a thing or two to say about his trashy, despicable behavior.

When I know WW is cheating on me, I lose control and want to tell her off.

I would like to tell her that what she is doing is unacceptable and really hurting me. When can I say this to WW in Plan A?

Fuzzy,
This is on the last page of my thread but wanted to copy it to you:

I've been reading a lot of posts by betrayed husbands. So, as a FWW (I can finally put the F in there!), I would like to share some thoughts with you.

I'm finding a lot of BH's are trying to "figure out" what their wives are thinking and feeling. That's not possible or even logical.

Here's a list of my opinions that might help the BH's on this thread:

-During the affair, your wife is not herself. She is a drug addict. She is literally high on these body chemicals: dopamine, testosterone, and oxytocin.

-A no contact letter is essential if you're going to repair. She must write one to the OM.

-Do not believe anything she says. Actions speak louder than words.

-She "thinks" this other creep is her soul mate but he is NOT! Again, think meth addict. She'll do whatever she can to get her fix.

-Follow through on any consequences that you demand.

-Guaranteed her POSOM is exactly that. Anyone who has an affair is also a liar. Your wife and her POS are feeling high because they're "in this together". Think: Mickey and Mallory Knox from Natural Born Killers.

-Your wife has no idea who POSOM really is. He is what she has made him out to be.

-Make POSOM's life a living hell for him. Do whatever you can legally to drive him away from your wife.

-Stay confident. Take care of yourself.

- Remember that she is rewriting history. You two were in love at some point otherwise you would not have gotten married. Do not believe her when she begins to make your history out to be worse than it was.

-POSOM's are scared wimps. Do not allow fear to hold you back from keeping or getting your wife back. Guaranteed her POSOM will dump her upon realizing that he DOES have stuff to lose and she's not worth it.

-If POSOM is married, you must tell his wife. If he is single or divorced, you must expose him to anyone who has influence on him.

-POSOM is most likely planning an attack on your WW (not you). The attack may involve you but he's getting tired of being at the bottom of her list. Be sure to keep him there.

-Be sure your WW sees the effects her selfish acts are having on your children.

-Keep showing your WW that you have always and still do love her without allowing her to walk all over you.

-Read SAA........this is so advantageous in seeing the process of a WW who is "far gone" and acts on her high.

-Your situation is NOT UNIQUE! Your WW is not special to the POSOM. You can bust up the affair with proper exposure.

-Protect yourself in any way you can (a post nup during affair recovery).

-Most of all, realize her fix is her number one priority. The increase in all three chemicals is making her feel on top of the world. She "thinks" her feelings are real. She thinks she'll feel like this forever.

-Your WW will crash and burn at some point. It might take years but she'll come to realize what an addict she was. She'll consider herself lucky if she didn't lose everything.

I hope this helps some of you BH's out there!
CT
_________________________

Alien WW comments that are being ignored:
* OM has the same emotional needs, same interests and emotional connection that was never present in M
* M was a mistake
* she never loved me as much as with this emotional connection with OM even when we were dating
* OM is her soul mate
* emotional needs now shown by BS to WW seem fake and not genuine because BS personality was never previously like this
* how can BS deliver emotional needs that haven't been delivered over the last 9yrs?


These were discussed with WW which is probably wrong according to Plan A

Expose all those but don't forget to expose at WW and OM work. WW and OM can no longer work for the same company one of them must leave for NC to be in place.

This is one that can't be skipped. OM's family is one that shouldn't be skipped. When are you going to do this?

Did you say whether OM is single? This is something you need to verify on your own BTW but doing a little digging. you can't trust he is single if that's what your WW told you...

So, just to understand the situation better, what took 8 years before you two got married? Were you living apart during any/all of that time? Did you break up or have any other relationships (either of you)? Did your wife know OM before the marriage? Did either of you have to move for the marriage (I mean moving far/changing jobs/etc.)?

It took 8 years before getting married. I was sure after 5 yrs after returning from an 6 week overseas holiday by myself. WW was sure after 8 yrs after returning from an 6 week overseas holiday by herself.

BS and WW were living a part the whole 8 years. WW's parents and siblings have a strong faith in Christianity. However, WW herself is not Christian.

WW broke up with me in first year of dating. WW said it was because she didn't know what love meant and that we were not friends first prior to dating. However, there was another guy involved during that 3 month break up. When he broke it off, WW returned to BS although at the time WW said it was because she was touched by my continued efforts to save the relationship.

In the sixth year, WW was sending sexually explicit SMS text messages to a male colleague (not OM). When I caught it, WW said that she was remorseful and that it was not EA or PA and nothing more than a bit of fun (similar to watching porn).

WW only met OM in the last 6 months which is 5 months after wedding.

Neither BS nor WW had to move cities nor change jobs. However, both WW and BS jobs were stressful with high work loads. Typical work day was between 8:30am to 6:00pm. Usually BS and WW travelled to work separately but home together.

I have WW boss email prepared but very hestitant to send it. Fear that WW will to be forced to make the decision on whether to stay in M and therefore may be pushed closer to OM.

Had a 1 hour long deep and meaningful conversation about her thoughts. However, she lied about why it took so long to get through to her. Phone said line was busy for 1.5 hours but she said her cell phone was in silent mode and that she was chatting to a cousin in person face to face.

WW indicated that she is still thinking about reconciling M but it wasn't looking good and still had not made decision. See my last post for the typical WW alien talk. She was touched or surprised when I said my arms are still open and I was willing to forgive her if she returned to the marriage (I would have conditions if WW agreed eg NC and marriage counseling or MB). WW was disappointed that it took an A to awaken BS to her emotional needs now being perfectly filled by OM. WW believes relationship can only exist if emotional needs are the same and hence her attachment to OM.

I'm going to be the bad guy here and suggest you cut your losses. Expose and go straight to plan D. Harley himself recommends this in marriages of less than two years with no children.

She came back to you the first time because the other guy broke it off with her. She was sexting someone else while you were dating, and now she's got an EA/PA going within your first year of marriage. I'll go out on a limb and call her a serial adulterer.

In a way you should be grateful you found this out before having children and significant assets. Kick her to the curb and don't look back.

That is EXACTLY what I would tell my own son. Your "lurve" for her will be wearing off soon enough with a few more affairs and you will have nothing left once the feelings go away.

Her shabby behavior is not enough to sustain a long term marriage.

Can you imagine having to live with this with 2 little kids and a mortgage? It would be a nightmare. If you cut your losses now, you will have short term pain and a chance at long term happiness. If you stay with her you get short term pain and long term nightmare. Except if you have kids, they get to live the nightmare too.

WW father and brother say that same to me. That I should let go unless WW repents. They say they support me if I choose to continue.

BS close friends also say to let go but support me if I choose to continue.

BS mother says to keep waiting until WW makes the choice herself.

BS sister says to "kick her to the curb".

It is really sobering that the Good Samaritans here are giving me this additional clarity. I guess the more i hear that i should use Plan D, the easier it will get. Thank you dearly.

I will wait for WW to end it with me. I really can't bear to do it myself at this moment in time as I love her as much as ever despite the A and truly believe I failed her in our M. I do know that WW's lies and actions have already spoken of her decision. I was hoping Plan A and B are still worth a shot.