Quick update. Well, she is worried about the phone bill doubling, so now I can only call her every couple days and not for very long (30 mins, tops). Really dont know if this is good or bad. I am trying to eliminate any LB's from me, but it feels like when I do I am playing into her hands and letting her get away with whatever she wants to do. I am trying very hard to have faith, but it just feels more and more like I am expected to stand idly by and have blind faith while she can say or do whatever she wants. I tried to keep things positive, tried to talk about me coming home and spending time with her (including intimacy) and she stated that it would be "weird". That felt like a brushoff to me, and she says it will be that way because of "all that has happened" recently. She didn't NEED to sleep with the other man, and now I feel she doesn't want to be intimate with me because she would rather have him, or a guilty conscience. I dont know. Just another thing.

Monty - I remember my WH writing me little notes each day he was out in the wild and we couldn't speak. He would put the little notes in a ziplock bag and when he returned he gave me them. He would number the little pieces of paper and I would read them.

There are things you can do without phone. If you start today. You can get letters mailed each day. Write her a ton and just keep mailing them.

Plan A has NO EXPECTATIONS.

It is best to go in with the mindset you are making yourself a better person. It is so hard because we want our spouse to love us, and today they don't.

The key is to be the man she wants ... what can you do to make you a man worthy?

Start today writing her a bunch of letters to get the ball rolling, then keep mailing one/day ... that way she will start getting daily letters from you.

Tough~

You don't talk marriage ... you talk dreams

Building a house
Having a family
Going on vacation
Snowboarding
Skiing

.
.
.

You give her a picture of how you want your life to look.

Well, I read the 5 Love Languages. I hope in conjunction with a plan A, I can make some headway here. If not, well, it was a good book to read for being successful in future relationships I suppose.

Well, I sent her a copy of the book, and hope she reads it. Also, I know have a facebook profile since I caught her in a lie, and she confessed to not wanting to delete it. More fun, fun, fun.

What do you mean facebook profile? I suggest sending her SAA and HNHN ... HNHN would really be good for her.

Keep Plan A going ... read some of the other BH on here ... shescrazy, stillwaiting, GJM, etc ... they will show you some Plan A options.

If Dr. Harley hasn't responded to your email yet, then email the moderators on here. They can get in touch with him since you are deployed. I still think getting his advice would serve you well because he will understand all the emotions involved with deployment, and then when you return home.

I am trying to Plan A as best i can. I sent her the book, as I said, and this morning I talked to her and got a lot of my feelings in the open. I have to do it, or it will consume me. I did not attack her, and we didn't fight at all. She is still adamant in voicing her intent to come to Texas when the time comes and work on our marriage. She said she didn't get how I don't believe her about me being her spouse and she loving me, hence why she broke contact with the guy (of course, i again have no proof.). I explained how there are just too many signs for me to simply ignore, and that I feel she is singing a different tune and dancing to another. Anyways, it was a long discussion, and one of the few times we were able to do so without fighting. Good sign or bad?

Monty, five love languages is a nice book, but it does not address your problem. Sending her a book on heart disease when your ailment is cancer is a waste of time. I would buy the book Surviving an aFfair for YOURSELF and read it. Trying to educate her is a mistake.

Your discussion with her above was awesome. You explained your feelings without lovebusting and that is exactly what you needed to do! You did good!

Five Love languages is a book on communication and it misses the point entirely. It doesn't have a plan to survive an affair or to restore a marriage. Good "communication" will not save a marriage. I do think it is amusing that the book uses the concept "love tank." Wonder where he got that idea??

Monty, the reason it would be weird to be intimate with you is because she is emotionally detached from you. It is very hard for a woman to make love to someone she is not attached to. So that is where I would focus. No more lovebusters [none!] and plenty of love bank deposits over the phone and internet until you get home. You can't afford ONE lovebuster because it will undo all the good you have done over the past few weeks.

Thank you for the reply. I will look into the other books, but T5LL comes on the recommendation of my counselor who is helping me. I understand it is a book on communication, but I feel that it wise to use all tools and assets available to me. Sure, it doesn't say how to fix an affair, but once the affair is fixed, it can help strengthen things. Yes, I didn't lovebust today, and I am trying to just take it one day at a time.

I would focus on resources that effectively address your problems. I would explain to your counselor that the problem in your marriage is not "communication" but a) infidelity and b) the erosion of romantic love in your marriage. Reading a book on communication is about like reading a book on redecorating when the Titanic is sinking. It is a distraction. Marriages don't break up over a lack of "communication;" they break up over a lack of romantic love. People in love don't have a problem "communicating," after all. And even the best communicators get divorced when they are not in love.

This is part of the reason why most counselors are so unsuccessful at saving marriages.

Monty, how have things been going? Four days without a post from a BS such as yourself seems like forever to us here.