I have not verified this. I'm almost positive that he is not. Why is that so relevant?

Your former "beliefs" are not relevant.

You never "believed" she was capable of adultery.

You cannot base your plans on hopes & wishes.

Adultery is based on lies.
OM may have lied to WW about his marital status.
WW may be lying to you about OM's marital status.

Why this is so important:

OM's wife (or girlfriend) must be told about the affair/adultery.
Exposure to the OM's spouse/girlfriend will make a ton of trouble at his end of the relationship and OM's wife'GF will give him holyhell.

Delivery of consequences.
Addled layer of protection for your marriage.
Another pair of eyes watching the situation and looking for future contact.
Keeping it real.

If it turns out OM lied to WW, she will become angry at him, which is good.

Because if the affair partner is married, it is essential that the spouse is informed. This is for 2 reasons, to ensure the affair doesn't start up again and so that the other betrayed spouse can protect herself from the affairees and get STD testing. If he is married, it is important to your own wife's recovery that amends are made by telling his wife what she has done. [the OM's wife should told by you, though]

Adulterers are liars so it is very common to discover that someone who claims to be single is actually married. And we have had many, many WS's lie about the marital status of their affair partner in order to protect the cheater.

Exposure is an essential step in the recovery of an affair. The reason is because it lifts the fog of the affairee and makes her more willing to take the necessary steps of recovery. The more people who know about affair, the more people to hold them accountable.

The idea that she will break her promise is very disturbing to me. Why do you think she will?

Pep gives it 4 weeks until NC is broken.

I give it 2

Read Joseph's Letter

You NEED to know everything, and I do mean everything, about the adultery in order to protect yourself and to recover a better/stronger/more protected marriage which is based on RADICAL HONESTY. (Which is a Harley MB standard)

Radical honesty will also protect your WW from her own temptation to lie by omission regarding her adultery.

By-the-way, when speaking to WW about her adultery, do not refer to it as her "affair". "Affair" sounds too romantic.
De-romanticize her behavior by calling it "adultery .... every time.

This will HELP your WW in the long run. Keep it real.

Why?

MelodyLane, do you think this will happen as well?

Should I confront her and ask her how she feels about the potential of this happening?

Typically they do break the promise. And I would not keep her affair a secret. Affairs thrive on secrecy. They are built on fantasy, thoughtlessness and deceit. Keeping it a secret for her, keeps it ALIVE in her mind. You don't want to do that. Your family, close friends, and children should be told about the affair. Don't keep this a secret. That does not help your wife.

here

This quote explains how effective exposure is in lifting the fog:

No.
She's a wayward.
Her opinion has no relevance.
She's still likely to seek the "dopamine rush" of contact with OM.

It is FAR MORE IMPORTANT to find OM's spouse or girlfriend.

It is highly likely he has one or the other.
Even an ex-wife is helpful.
Hire a PI.
Do not discuss with your WW.
Do not trust your WW at this point. Not at all.
Be kind and attentive to WW.
But DO NOT TRUST HER.

Meet her ENs for recreation and attention and conversation and sex and admiration .... but DO NOT TRUST HER. Not yet.

My god this news is absolutely killing me. I didn't want to believe that she was committing adultery in the first place. Then I really wanted (and still kind of do) to believe that she was ready to move on and now you are telling me that it is very likely that she will do this again within a month.

If it happens again I will not be able to get past it. I am having such a hard time with it right now. I won't be able to get past if it happens again. I know that much.

How can I sit by and not talk to her about this so she knows I'm concerned and watching? How can I just sit by and do nothing with the possibility that she will do this again?

The "whys" of the MB "surviving adultery" playbook are often counter-intuitive.

May I suggest you read your entire thread every day.
You will not "get" everything the first read through.

You really want to trust your WW.
We tell you not to.
You want to know "why" that's not a good idea.
Not trusting your WW goes against your idea of what makes you a good husband.

Trusting WW is a common error.
WW should not trust herself at this point!
If you notice WW trusts she will not fail her values again, that UNDERLINES why you should keep an even CLOSER EYE on her.
WW does not (yet) understand the highly addictive nature of adultery.

Think of adultery as the marriage house being on fire.
A common error the betrayed spouse makes is trying to make marriage repairs BEFORE the fire is completely extinguished.

Your marriage fire is not completely extinguished.

Recovery cannot begin until all the steps to prevent the adultery embers from re-starting the fire have been eliminated.

Understand?

Your WW is STILL HIGH RISK to blow on the embers to seek out "How are you doing?" from OM.

You do NOT "sit by" and you do not "do nothing".

You EXPOSE this adultery.
Exposure protects WW from her own addiction.

You get your own verifiable and independent data on OM's relationship status. (Hire a PI)

You GPS her vehicle.
You put spying devices on her phone and computer.
You follow the financials.
You get a VAR and put it in her car.
You watch her like a hawk watches a mouse.

AND, you meet her ENs and avoid love busters.

Click the "carrot/stick" link in my sig line and read it through and re read it again in a few days.

NEVER DISCUSS ANY OF THE MB PLANS WITH WW.

Not yet.

I understand what you're saying but it hasn't sank in yet.

Are the steps to extinguishing all in the posting here or is there somewhere I need to go read?

I have to say that I am so very disapointed right now. I truely thought we were on our way and were doing pretty well. She has been very apologetic and loving toward me. We have been talking about things and where we go from here and what we do.

I honestly believed we were on our way to recovery. I must be more naive than I ever thought I was. Sorry to sound so negative right now, but I am seriously getting quite depressed at the thought that this may actually happen again soon. I just won't be able to deal with it and I really love my wife and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but will not be able to do that if she does this again.

It's going to be very difficult for me not to talk to her and try to talk things through. We have always tried to talk about things and have agreed/promised each other since this was exposed to be completely open and honest about what we're feeling and thinking.

This will be very difficult for me.

Have you ever witnessed a smoker trying to quit?

Most smokers fail several attempts to quit before they succeed.

Adultery lights up the brain's pleasurable areas with the neuro chemical dopamine. That is what makes the behavior of adultery addictive. It's pleasurable, like smoking.

Your job is to make the marriage as pleasurable as possible while AT THE SAME TIME making the adultery a miserable and an unhappy choice for WW.

Do you understand?

We all appreciate how difficult it is.

Do you honestly think any of this was easy for us?

We've been where you are. We do understand the pain/heartache you are experiencing.

The disbelief and denial is a protective device you use to guard from further injury.

The problem is, denial does not actually PREVENT anything bad from happening.

Read this:

Infidelity MB steps to recovery

Click on this site's bookstore and purchase SAA (Surviving an Affair).

I do understand whay you're saying. I guess I just STILL want to believe her when she tells me that she's done.

I guess I need to take on a different mind-set for a while.

I want you to understand, your situation is very average.
We (the forum vets) have many reasons to think your marriage will (someday) be a better marriage after recovery.

Do not dispair.

Dispair is an indulgence you cannot afford.
Your family needs YOU to lead this marriage to recovery.
You must be strong. You must be a fighter.
You must be a warrior and protect your family.

OK?



If you think you are becoming intolerably anxious/depressed, speak to your physician about getting temporary help.
Anything to keep YOU strong and fighting.

Remember, you are not fighting your good wife, you are fighting the addictive nature of adultery.

Your good wife is still there. Dormant.