When you have 30 minutes, watch this MB video.

It is premature to share this with WW.

For now, your eyes only.

[video:youtube][/video]

Infidelity: What every couple should know.


What every MB forum poster should watch.

Thanks for the encouragement. I hope my "good wife" is still there because I don't want to lose her. I love her so much and so want to get through this.

I guess that's why this hurts so much. I never in a million years thought she would be the one to do this. I have kind of expected this from others I have dated/been with in the past but not her. That's why it hurts so much.

Thanks to everyone for all the help and advice.

You are welcome.

Now, EXPOSE the adultery to WW's family and to your family.

Find OM's significant other and tell her ASAP !

Find out if any close friend of WW was aware of the adultery and helped WW hide it.

Now, the ugly truth.

outofnowehere, i was just like you. didnt want to believe it, didnt want to accept the advice on here at first. Let me tell you something. LISTEN and do as instructed to the best of your ability. People here are going to tell you bitter truth and the best possible method for you to work thru this. hang in there!

Also, you say you cannot believe she would get in contact with OM again and you trust her. Well you did get married and trusted her completely before the affair and she still did it. Dont think that she is changed now. It will take time.

I was very much like you, complete and total disbelive. When I found out, my wife gave me a few details and told me she loved him and yadayada..I couldn't do anything and was a complete wreck! Probably like you searching for anythig..going thru it's a MLC looking for excuses...

I remember asking her for 30 days, demanding she quit talking to him,texting him..she knew I was monitoring her phone..I searched everything looking for contact..I didn't see anything from her but everyday he would text a couple of text but it looked as thought she wasn't responding..and she had promissed no contact etc...

The whole time she was wanting to go to Vegas to stay with her best friend who happens to be the sister of this guy...I questioned and questioned both of them about this. Things just didn't feel right. Prior to the trip i lucked out and happen to look at her phone and found a secret email account and she had been using it and I think google chat so it wouldn't show up..

My gut was in knots..I kept searching and finally found the other guys wife, who I was told by my wife, her best friend (his sister and him) that his wife already knew and they were going to get a divorce. Thru some more snooping..I found out that he actually paid for my wifes airline ticket,sending off bells, at this point I contact his wife and she had suspected something but no one had ever told her anything..we had a good long talk and I went home and went off on my wife about her actions and told her I would fight for full custody and how could she do this to her kids and me, that she was acting foolish and risking everything for what? Someone who was lying to her about everything, who just wanted her for a piece and probably had no intentions for ever leaving to be with her. She was perfectly happy ene if he didn't leave his wife..

We are still together and working it out very slowly..but my point is Waywards will lie straight to your face..if I could do it over I would have done from the first day when I found out exactly what these great people are telling you to do..then you will either be able to put your marriage back together the correct way or possible you will not but you will have done everything and be ok with your efforts.

Trust your gut and use this board to help guide you, kinda like am air traffic controller would an airplane..they can see the big picture without all the emotions we get caught up in and they can see the BS that our spouse lays down..the sooner you listen the sooner you can start working on saving your marriage..I know you are better and in a much better positon than I am, I had much baggage and a lot of my own issue that contributed to our problems..I have owned them and they didn't cause the affair, her poor boundaries caused that. Ok..Sorry it's long and I am pulling for you and your marriage!

OON --

So many people think that because their spouse is sorry and remorseful that it can all be swept under the rug and forgotten.

That is the biggest mistake you could make right now.

You do not want to slide back into the situation that allowed the affair to occur.

This is your opportunity -- RIGHT NOW -- to make a new marriage, with new rules, and new awareness...that will be affair-proof.

Because your discovery is so recent...and her agreement to end it is so recent..you will need to monitor her. This is a way for her to start rebuilding your trust. Verify. When you see that she is doing what she says she's doing, and you know exactly what her emails say, and you know where her car is, and you see all of her online activity -- then you can start to trust again.

But you must understand that she will feel compelled to have "closure" which is adultery-code for more emotional need meeting by affair partners.

"closure" is not allowed. She does not get to have any more meetings or conversations that disrespect your marriage.

The affair must be ended by letter that says she wants to restore her marriage, the affair was a mistake, and there is never to be contact between them again. And YOU mail it, so that you know for a fact that message has been delivered.

outofnowhere,

You have been give the best info by some of the best posters.

When they ask questions it is normal to wonder their need for info but giving them the info will only help them to give you the best possible advice.

When they say you WW's lie they do.

This is why you must verify NC, do exposure that so that OMW does know about the affair. That exposure does kill affairs. That exposure prevents affairs from restarting, or other ones happening years from now.

Embrace MB,

So - did she end contact? If so, how? Read my post about how affairs should end via letter approved and sent by you. For certain she would not just "disappear" from him, she will feel a need to explain or discuss. So you need to be watchful.

What was their primary method of communication? Do you have full access to that?

She did end contact. They were communicating by text and phone which is how I found out for sure. I have access to all those records.

I don't know for sure whether she ended it by calling him or texting him but there has been no more calls or texts to that number and she has told me beyond a shadow of a doubt multiple times that she has not and will not contact him again.

I don't want to harp on what I said..but it's like a broken record with the promises waywards tell..so protect yourself and don't let her make you feel like your the crazy one for needing to "monitor" her. Sometimes WW like to lull you back into feeling like everything is ok while going further underground and thinking people will not find out..

I wanted to trust my wife and think I knew better than others what she could do and couldn't do, I think it makes it that much more painful when you find out that more contact has been made after you think it has stopped. Is it possible there is no cantact? Ofcourse but I feel most here would doubt that..initially unless you see a completley different person now and willing to be open and honest about passwords and phones and everyting else..if you feel she doesn't want you to know something then there is probably something she is protecting...you should have seen my wife when I took her cell card and told her I could recover all deleted text on it..!!

I'm going to take all advice that I receive here seriously. I'm also going to take into account what I feel and use my common sense as well.

I do feel like she has realized what she did and is paying for it right now with me and herself but I am not going to let my guard down just yet.

OON --

Thats well and good -- but you must be diligent.

I would still recommend:

1. that you put a keylogger on the computer
2. a gps on her vehicle
3. a voice activated recorder in her vehicle

Most of the times when a wayward "gives up" the affair that easily - it usually means that they just get sneakier about it.
(a new secret affair phone usually pay-go, because their spouse is now checking the cell records....)

I have actually thought about the pay-as-you-go phone potential.

That is why putting a voice activated recorder hidden under the drivers seat usually does the trick.

I seriosly doubt she would give up someone she has "feelings" for that easily. She would have to have clllllllllllosure.
Which just leads to continueing the affair more carefully.

There is an operation investigate forum here. You may want to do some studying there.

And in the meantime, be the man she fell in love with.

Outofnowhere, I am relieved you are taking our advice because while your feelings do matter, the feelings of a betrayed spouse tend to be misleading. This is because you desperately WANT to believe your wife. That is understandable but it oftens impairs your ability to be objective. This is why we encourage BS's to verify rather than trust blindly. Your wife is the smoking addict who just gave up her cigarettes. The likelihood of a relapse is great. An addict will go to great lengths to get another fix. You are not out of the woods yet.

This is the most common tactic. Or even using a landline.

Has she answered your questions?

FYI

There is no "closure" for you.
Sorry.
There will be more questions.
More doubts.
More.

This is a trauma process.

Recovery from this trauma is not a door you close and suddenly you feel relief.
No "closure".

It takes a few years to feel really comfortable in your marriage again.

Many years ago, I was in a freeway accident where my little car was sideswiped by a semi truck. My car was spun around like a top and was struck by two more vehicles.
The physical injuries healed quickly.
The emotional trauma healed as a process.
For years I was anxious whenever a large truck was next to me on any road.
I felt vulnerable and my heart pounded and I would make any necessary maneuver to avoid the situation.

Recovery from trauma is gradual.

Just so you know ........

She did answer my questions. She wrote quite a bit of stuff in the return email to me before answering. She told me that she did not want to answer them but she would so I would know that she WANTS to be open and honest about this.

she has actually been very remorseful and apologetic this week since I confronted her Monday. We have had quite a few conversations about it.

I guess you're right about the closure thing. I guess I keep expecting to be able to take some of the answers and move past the issues that are causing me so much pain right now. I understand that this will take time. More than I would like for it to though!

How much undivided attention are you and W enjoying weekly?
Have you come up with ways to be alone without the kids. (TV time does not count.)