Hello everyone,

I'm in need of advice as everyone else on here is. I've been reading through the forum and have gotten some great information but thought I would post my situation and see what kind of feedback I got. I'll try not to make the post too long but I want to give as much information as possible.

Been married for 7 years, have a 2yr old and a 2.5 month old, both girls. My wife and I have known each other for over 11yrs. We get along great. We're best friends, never fight, never verbally abuse each other, never physically abuse each other, nothing like that at all. I know I have issues expressing my emotions as most males do.

Well, about 2 weeks ago my wife and I were sitting on the couch watching tv and she wants to talk. Basically she tells me that she's not happy anymore. Most of it is due to my emotionally neglecting her. I admit that is the truth. She says that she still loves me and still feels that we are best friends but doesn't know if she's still in love with me. She told me she needed some space so she goes to her sister's house which is about a mile away. We both agree that the kids need to stay in the house with me so as not to be "disrupted".
So here I am after she has been gone for about a week and a half. We have talked multiple times and she has basically told me that if she had to decide on what to do right now that she doesn�t know if she wants to try to fix things. I don�t know what to do. She still wants to do stuff together, laugh and talk. She doesn�t really want me to show her any type of affection (holding her hand, touching her back, etc) because she says that she�s uncomfortable with it right now.
So my first of many confused questions is what in the world do I do right now?

lookingforhelp, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. It is very likely she is having an affair. Some of the signs of an affair are a) wanting "space", b) emotional detachment c) "Iloveyoubutamnotinlovewithyou." See, the solution to an unhappy marriage is to work to turn it around. Her resistance to doing that indicates she is leaving for another reason, that other reason being another man.

Your first order of business is to find out who she is seeing. Don't ask her, just quietly snoop. Put a GPS on her car, VAR in her car, spyware on her cell phone or a keylogger on her computer. But find out who it is and get the evidence.

When you do that, come back here and we will give you next steps.

Don't ask her about this.

I agree there is a potential for affair.

I would also suggest, considering his wife is about 8-9 weeks postpartum, that she may be experiencing postnatal depression and a lack of emotional support from her husband is making it far worse.

I felt the same way as her when I went through my severe postnatal depression and there was no affair or anyone in my life except my husband and female relatives/friends.

alis, the reason this smacks of affair is because she is not looking for solutions. It takes a powerful motivation for a woman to leave her home and her children. She has moved out and left a NEWBORN. When a woman is unhappy, she typically will complain until a solution is found. The fact that she didn't do that tells me there is more to this story.

Wanting "space" when her supposed complaint is emotional neglect makes no sense unless there is an affair.

In other words, a woman who feels neglected will not ask for "space," she will ask for ATTENTION. A woman who is hiding something will ask for "space."

MelodyLane,

I don't disagree that there are many red flags here that suggest an affair.

I am just offering an alternative possibility that he should consider, and that would involve speaking with her doctor. Women with postnatal depression (particularly severe) will 'give up' on motherhood, marriage, and life. A rational woman will ask for help and keep trying for a solution - but women with postnatal depression do not necessarily believe in rational paths to solution. Yes, they will abandon a newborn. It's been done.

It's just another avenue to explore. She stated these things at only 6 weeks postpartum which means it could be a possibility.

I understand postpartum women are not "rational," however, that does not explain her desire for "space." That is almost exclusively a sign of an affair. Women don't just up and leave for "space" unless they have someone else lined up. Rational or not, people don't tend to work against their own interests even if they are not employing their powers of reason.

Husbands have a tendency to blame themselves because it gives them a false sense of control. This often serves as a distraction from digging out the real problem. I don't want him to get sidetracked. His first and most urgent step should be a quiet investigation to see if there is an affair going on.

here

Thanks to all for their responses. As stated in my first post I didn't want to make the post read like a novel so I didn't include every detail. Here are some more details that might help clarify.

I want to address the issue of her abandoning her children first because that's not exactly right. I will have to say that I have asked her and I truely believe that she is not having an affair. Since her sister lives just down the road, my wife takes the 2.5 month old every other night. I keep the 2yr old every night. She comes over every morning to help get everyone ready for school and stays each night until the 2yr old is in bed so everything seems normal for her.

About the potential postpartum issue...I have actually thought about that myself. She had a very bad run with that after our first one was born. This time has not seemed as bad but all this that's happening has made me wonder about that.

She is a VERY emotional person and one of the biggest problems I am having is why she is so hesitant about trying to work this out. She has always been deeply in love with me. I admit that I have been emotionally neglectful of her in the past but I would have never thought she would NOT want to come to me and tell me that she's very unhappy and ask what we can do to fix it. It's like I'm having to pretty much drag her to any kind of "remediation", whether that be talking through the issue or going to marriage counseling to give this another try.

You have hit on one of the reasons why this is likely an affair. When a woman is unhappy, she complains endlessly until the problem is solved. Your wife is not doing that. A red flag.

I am so sorry but this is likely due to an affair. It may be something else, but in my 11 years on this board, it is an affair 99% of the time. The most obvious reason has to be ruled out - or in - before we can help you move forward with a plan.

I know it is tempting to want to latch onto less plausible explanations, but unfortunately, it is almost always an affair.

Please put on your supersleuth cap and get the evidence. Come back here when you have the evidence and we can help with next steps.

MelodyLane,

I will look around a little just to confirm but I still believe she is telling me the truth. She has known from the very beginning how I feel about cheating. I don't want to sound like I'm not taking your opinion seriously but she really isn't the type to do that.

I do agree that there are several signs that may point that way and I am very confused by the lack of desire to fix the issues, but I still trust her and I trust what she tells me until the minute I find out otherwise.

I'll see what information comes next and will keep you posted.

I have gotten her to agree with some counseling to see if that might help us through this. I'm calling a few places tomorrow to try and get something set up.

Again, thanks for all the advice and if anyone else has anything to add please do.

Just so you know, very rarely is anyone the "type" to do that. Yet they still have affairs. Her knowing your feelings about cheating would not prevent her from having an affair and the fact that you say you "trust her" is more of an indicator that you haven't really checked. It is too much trust that leads to affairs because the betrayed spouse never checks to see if such trust is truly warranted. The lack of checking allows secret second lives to thrive and grow.

Counseling is not going to be of much help to you at all if there is an affair. In fact, counseling is destructive to marriages when there is an affair. My suggestion would be to do a good job of sleuthing and see what she is doing before you take that step. Most counselors do not try to save the marriage, they try to facilitate divorce. So if that is she wants right now, the counselor will validate her.

No one can help you unless you know for sure what is going on here. I am afraid you are in for a big surprise when you check. I truly hope I am wrong.

I came back around to the old forum today after recommending it to a coworker with some marital issues. I have to say, lots of new people, but this quote here is probably one that encapsulates what I recall hearing most from the new members.

Do yourself a favor and snoop anyway. I've heard countless stories here of saintly spouses that would never do something horrible like have an affair. Far too many times the concerned spouse ends up devastated when they find the truth.

My wife went through the same steps as yours before I found her secret email account full of love letters to the other man.

(Hmmm. It's been six years now and I can type that without feeling any hurt... never thought I'd get here.)

Listen to MelodyLane, she's a good one. Good luck.

If your wife is having an affair or not, it cannot hurt to snoop, can it? Because she has battled with ppd in the past, I suggest that you find out what it going on ASAP. If not an affair, some seriously twisted thinking on her part is going on here.

Please look into her e-mail and phone accounts. If you do not think it is an affair, than you would still want to find out if she is suicidal or something. A normal new mother would never never ever leave her baby in the care of someone else, especially not someone who she thinks is neglectful.

In the mean time, look at the emotional needs and love busters questionaires and see how you can become the ideal husband. Date her! But she is not going to fall in love with you without seeing you. And why would a woman leave her home AND BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just to think??? In what world?????

Many women feel bad after a baby but noone leaves their home and baby for it. She is either having an affair or has a serious brain chemistry problem (I'm saying that as an M.D., not meaning she is dumb or so).

You have to step up for her and your family here. You need to find out what is going on, because this is doing serious damage to the mother child bond. Going further down this path will have permanent effects on your children, especially the baby.

Man up here please. Just because you do not want to believe it, it is your duty as a husband and foremost as a father to make the mother of your baby come home immediately.

What kind of life is that for a baby, where it sees his mother only every other day? The child is only 2,5 months old. Wake up here.

Happyheart

As a mental health professional and a mom who has suffered from it, I have to say this sounds exactly like postpartum depression. Perhaps she had some underlying unhappiness with your marriage, but the PPD has intensified it. Educate yourself on PPD and make sure the kids are safe with her. And everyone quit judging on a mom who "leaves" her baby. PPD makes you do the unthinkable. Maybe she is having an affair, but don't rule anything out. It's not that simple.

As someone who has been dealing with affairs for years on this forum, it sounds just like an affair. We need to deal with reality and facts here, and FIRST rule out an affair. You need to educate yourself about affairs, Madam, if you intend on posting on a forum that specializes in such.

Viola, I am sure you mean well, but let me explain how your advice is harmful to this poster. The most likely reason for this wife's separation is an affair. 99% of the time, when a wife wants a separation, she has another man lined up. That is just how women are. That has been the case in almost every instance in my 11 years on this forum. On the other hand, we have NEVER had a case where a wife with PPD left to "get space."

Dr Harley, who is a mental health professional, [licensed clinical psychologist with 40 years experience specializing in infidelity] says this about women who separate:


Common sense would dictate, therefore, that it is imperative to rule out the MOST LIKELY cause. But when you post about unlikely causes like PPD, a spouse who is in DENIAL will latch onto your unlikely explanation as a means of avoidance.

As you can see, he does not WANT to believe this is an affair and is not willing to do the necessary investigation. Your post gives validation to his path of denial and makes it harder for us to persuade him to do the necessary investigation.

As far as "judging" a mother who leaves her children, I think anyone would agree that is out of line unless she is severely mentally ill. And if that is the case, she needs psychiatric help. Women can be held accountable.

********************EDIT********************

Please help this poster find solutions that are advocated by Dr. Harley. Do not disrupt this thread any more!

**edit**

Viola, you have not been attacked, and you were indeed encouraging the original poster to discount the possibility of infidelity, which is very dangerous to posters on this forum, so it was important for MelodyLane to correct any misunderstandings. While it is true that there are some exceptions to every rule, it is a DISTRACTION from posters in need to mention those exceptions when they focus on what they need to do for the majority of cases. Even I can point you to a time when Dr. Harley dealt with such an exception. It is still not relevant here.

Please don't come on as a newcomer spouting advice without some sort of history or credentials. We have a lot of people show up and give their own opinions or stuff they have heard from marriage counselors when the purpose of the forum is to learn and discuss Marriage Builders principles. That's not helpful.