I'm in a dilemma. I was given "good" reason to begin snooping on my husband when he got "caught" texting back in October. He denied a first, then came clean. I started snooping thru his emails ever since to make sure his "friend" was no longer in the picture.

***His to her***
hi, just wanted to say hi and go packers. wanted you to know i still think about the what ifs..................i know probably shouldnt say that but i do anyway. hope your doing great.

how about a drink sometime ***

***Her Response***
Funny, i do also, think about the what ifs. How are you? I would consider meeting u for a drink, but arent you married? Dont know if that would be a good idea. Would be the same situation as before, you know? ***

There was a line or two of idle chit-chat that I didn't include. Anyway, that is what sparked my snoopiness and it hasn't let up.


I do believe he is no longer in contact. However: I have been finding things in his email that suggest he has not been truthful. He's opened a bank account, has gotten a credit card or maybe 2 and has a new account for a cell phone. I also know that he deletes his "history" not only on his laptop, but also on MY IPad. Now, I'm continually checking my IPad to see if yet another day has gone by that it's been erased.

The cell phone may actually be for his son, but within our discussions, he ademently claimed he was telling me everything in regards to what was going on in his life.

His credit is shot, he owes on his taxes and is in the process of going to a bankruptsey lawyer in a couple of weeks.

My dilemma? I've placed myself in a situation that I don't know how to confront him with my knowledge of the bank account/credit card/cell phone.

I never had ANY reason whatsoever to distrust him before in the past. Now I feel the trust has been so totally blown, I don't know where to turn or what to do...or how to confront...

I am unclear on what the actual dilemma is? Is there some reason why you haven't confronted him?

The purpose of snooping is to resolve marriage problems that have been hidden. You have found problems that have been withheld. First off, you know your H is open to an affair and he is hiding his financial activity. You can't very well solve those problems if you don't confront him.

I feel guilty for snooping...and finding out everything that i've found out.

How do I approach the conversation? Hey? By the way...I was going thru your email....

A part of me wants to shift the guilty feeling I'm having and just wait for the chips to fall where they fall...

Diamond, it is very inappropriate guilt. You have a right to know everything your husband does. He is the one who should feel guilty for trolling for chicks and making secret financial decisions. There is nothing wrong with catching him doing bad things. That is a virtue.

You approach him by telling him you have been checking and have found out XXXX and ZZZZZZ and what is his explanation?

And then if he acts offended, you should explain that people who have nothing to hide don't hide and his "offense" is just a huge red flag.

I realize our culture teaches us wrongheaded ideas about snooping, but I think if you read Dr Harley's article on snooping, you will change your thinking to a more rational approach. Snooping is a virtue, not a bad thing. Snooping: Is it wrong Or, is it the right thing to do in marriage?

I would ask him to completely open up his life to you so he can't hide stuff anymore. And he most certainly needs to agree to END ALL of his opposite sex friendships. That is how affairs start.

Call the number on the new cell phone, see who picks up. Block your number from showing. If it is your H who picks up, all you need to do is say, "Explain." He'll hang up, probably, and never mention it, but at least you will know who the phone is for.

If you have the bank account and credit card information, write them on an index card and post them on the fridge. If he asks, say that you received a phone call (from the FTC or the FCC or the IRS, whatever) warning of possible identity theft concerning these accounts. If he doesn't ask, show them to him and tell him that you were alerted about the possibility of identity theft (same way) and you think he should alert the authorities because someone is clearly opening accounts in his name, or at the VERY LEAST contact the companies IN FRONT OF YOU to dispute the accounts. Insist on it. It will make him squirm. Be horrified that he would not care if someone STOLE HIS IDENTITY. Because obviously, that's what it is, right, since he tells you everything?

That way, no sources are revealed. And at least about the CC and bank account, you appear to be concerned and ready to fight the mean ugly person who did this to him! You will call the police yourself! YOU will get to the bottom of this injustice!

You might make up an entirely bogus consumer fraud division, call it the CFD and provide a bogus name and telephone number of the person who alerted you. If there is an OW, this will totally flip him out because he will suspect HER.

You should probably keylog the computer and get all the information first; you might be able to get her name and use it. "Miss Skankho at the CFD asked that you call her right away at [her actual #] about this fraud. Let's call her right now!" [start dialing phone]

Never be afraid to snoop, and never reveal your sources to a liar. You can tell him how hard you worked, and how hard it was on you, and how happy you are now, later.

Well, he needs to know that she is snooping and that can be done without giving her resources. She doesn't need to lie about it. And even if she does give up her resources, that is ok. But just saying that the FTC called does not tell him she is watching him like a hawk and he HAS to know this.

Diamond, tell your husband that you know all about his conversation with this woman. READ the conversation to him. Tell him you know about the CC, bank account, etc because you watch every thing he does. If he asks, tell him that is private information and you won't share it.

Don't hide from the fact you are snooping. You are doing nothing wrong and he needs to know that you have GREAT resources and are watching everything.

I agree you should keylog his computer FIRST. do you have a GPS on him? What kind of spyware do you have on his phone?

Why would he have to know he is being watched? At this point, he only has to know he is being found out. If HE knows where this information could have come from, he will find another way to communicate. Open another email account. Buy a new computer.

RH does NOT apply to snooping. You only tell if you find nothing.

I agree RH does not apply to snooping, but that does mean she needs to make up elaborate stories. If he knows he is being watched, but not exactly HOW, he will keep his nose clean.

Okay, so ask him to explain the accounts instead?

What I get afraid of, for people who are too open in the beginning about what they've found, is that the already sneaky person will simply get sneakier. And the snooper will be cut off from information.

I still think she should call the new phone #.

And lie like a rug if asked where she got the info on the accounts. Assuming the guy has a brain, he will figure out how she got the info. Unless she convinces him it is from somewhere else.

Keylog and go deeper, dear poster. Hold your cards for now, and get account #s, passwords, and phone numbers from the keylog.

That is why she needs to NOT tell him how she got the information but just that she is watching everything. If he thinks she is watching everything but doesn't know how or where, he will be less likely to sneak. And she does need to get more resources in place so he CAN'T hide anything, ie: keyloggers, GPS, spyware on his phone.

I appreciate all of the feedback. The last thing I want to do is find myself lying on how I know things. To me, this would be like 2 wrongs trying to make a right and I'd be just as deceitful as he.

I don't believe he is having an affair or involved with someone of the opposite sex.

I have mentioned to him about wanting his kids cell phone numbers in case I would need to make an emergency phone call. If the new number to the new phone is not given, I will have to think of something next.

I'm more concerned about his knowing of his financial straits, getting hooked up with a credit card, a new phone and account, and his lying to me about things being an open book with him...his new year resolution was to be more open.

I know he feels defeated where his money that he earns is concerned. By the time he makes his child support payment, he has hardly anything left. Guess what hurts the most is thinking you're working as a team then find out the other team member is deceiving you.

Diamond, I agree you should not be dishonest with him. Just tell him you are watching and decline to give him your resources. You should not give him your resources since he has been found to be guilty. RAdical honesty does not apply when you have found your spouse cheating/lying. In this case, your spouse is TRYING to cheat. And he is hiding financial transactions.

That all needs to be addressed and brought out into the open.


Don't play cat and mouse games, D. Just call the # and see who answers. You already know your husband is being dishonest so get everything out on the table so it can be discussed. Don't save it for later. There is no reason to prolong the inevitable.


You have an opportunity to help him here. Bring the facts out into the open and ask him how you can help him fix this problem in a way that makes you both happy so he doesn't feel he has to lie and hide things.

Don't underestimate the seriousness of your H's problem with this other woman. It is clear he has inappropriate boundaries with women and is headed to an affair NOW. You have an opportunity to stop that if you will just use it properly.

I'm just gonna lay low for a couple of days and think about how I want to approach him. As another person posted, I don't want him to catch on that I've got access to his email account just yet as that would be about the only source.

I do agree that I can be of help to him once things are out in the open. I just feel terrible that it came down to what it has. Me snooping, him lying, me having no trust. Makes a person wonder what else he has not told me...

As far as getting the phone numbers of his kids...I didn't look at it as a game of cat and mouse. I was just trying to piece together some findings on who it could be (guessing it's his son who changes his phone and phone number more than he changes his underwear) and just thought I could avoid that convaersation seeing there were other issues...

The cell phone could be just that. One he had gotten for his son - but the matter of not telling me is what frustrates me if that were the case. Again, trying to avoid as much conflict as possible with what all is already on the table.

I appreciate all the advice and will surely contemplate what I need to discuss and how to go about doing it.

Diamond, too much trust is part of the problem in your marriage. It was too much trust that allowed him to hide this in the past. It is not good for marriages. Bringing this all out on the table will change that. If you don't want him to know you found out from his email account, I would place a keylogger on his computer BEFORE you have this discussion so you can catch him right away if he starts up a new account. spectorsoft makes eblaster for computers and cell phones.

I wouldn't delay this discussion beyond taking the time to put a keylogger on his computer. The way you approach it is openly and honestly without giving up your sources. That does not need to be analyzed; it is really very simple.

In the mean time, you might want to read up on meeting each others emotional needs. You can use that anyway. As part of plan A if he turns out to be cheating and if he is not cheating all the same.

Verify

Update:
Managed to get things all out and on the table. He did open up 2 credit cards and the phone was for his son (just what I had suspected).

I was willing to help him manage the credit cards - low balance on each one of them.

I thought we were on the right track with everything until this past weekend. I "caught" him texting again. Not sure who he was texting as he was in the middle of texting both his brothers. When I asked him, he denied the text, cleared it and then told me it was his son asking for money. Why couldn't he just come out and tell me? i don't understand the need to lie - especially after all the other hoopla. I honestly thought we were headed in the right direction.

The trust for me just isn't there and I believe the towel has been thrown in. He doesn't seem willing to work on "us".

He spent the night in a hotel and will be coming today to pick up his things.

I just don't get it. This was more of a rant/rave session, but any suggestions/insights/etc would be more than appreciated.

What's the game plan? To pick myself up and dust myself back off. I just can't seem to fathom the picking up part yet...

Diamond, have you considered getting counseling from Steve Harley? Your husband has a long established habit of independent behavior but that can be changed with the proper motivation.

Has your husband ever had an affair?