Hello,

this is my first post here, but I have been reading a lot of posts from all of you... Today, I need some encouragement... Does any of you have any success stories of recovering your M after separation?

I am a BW, and as far as I know my WH had an appointment with a lawyer to start the D process, although he says that he does not want a D. I will post my story when I get the stregnth as I find your suggestions very helpful.

Can you please please give me some encouragement? Thank you in advance, and I hope to all of you to have a very nice and loving weekend

It sounds like you should repost this to the Surviving an Affair forum. You are not in recovery if you have been separated and your H is seeing a lawyer about D.

Thanks for your reply. I thought I post here to get some success stories as more people here seem to have a success story to tell...

Fight, welcome to MB.

We are going to need more information about your particular sitch before we are going to be able to help you. Read the link in my signature for newly betrayed spouses, it will help guide you through this site.

Sorry you are here.

I consider myself a success on many levels.
My H's affair started when we were married 14 years.
We had 2 little kids.
His A lasted 2 years.
He was "madly in love" with OW until exposure. Then, he wasn't.

We've been recovered 16 years.

OK.
Now, answer the intro questions, please.

WELCOME TO MB

Thank you all for your replies. Sorry for not answering earier, I had lost my thread, and then realised that it was moved in SAA.

I am 30, he is 31, first marriage for both of us. We have been married for 3.5 years, but we have been together for 12. We do not have any children. H moved out in July 11, claiming that he needs space. He moved in with his parents.

He came back in September 11 just to leave again in November. During the time he was back he was very withdrawn, he didn't even want to touch me. I was really hurt as I didn't know that there was an OW. I accidentaly found out about the OW in October, when I checked his emails. When I confronted he cried and told me that it is me that he wants to be together with and that "he is just friends" with the OW. After that, I told him that we are in this together and that I am wiling to help him if he lets me. He agreed but nothing changed. Never admitted the A.

Since the last time he moved out he contacts me every 2/3 days, but only on the friendly level. He never opens any discussions on the R. I have brought that issue up for a few times (I know it is against SAA principles), but I haven't done this for the last month. He is constantly lying. Just recently I have found out that he is planning on moving to an appartment on his own. He denies. I am very diappointed for all his lies and feel very insecure. There are some days that I am determined tho move on with my life without him, but then I am thinking of all the good times we have had together and cannot proceed with my thoughts... He now filed for a D, but it will take 3 months before the process can start (this is the law in our country). Even now he says that he does NOT want a D, so I am very confused... Can you please give me any advice on how to proceed? Any help is much appreciated!

P.S. I do not know if it matters, OW is 27 single ex co/worked that lives 2 miles from our flat (it is a small town)...

Sorry, I forgot to mention that we do not have any children...

In what country do you live?
Do you have an attorney?
Are you 100% certain you know your legal rights if there is a divorce?

Have you exposed WH's adultery to anyone? To whom?

The most important question of the day:

Are you willing to listen to and implement the MB step advice you will get when you post here?



The reason I ask is this:


If it's pats on the head you want, and not MB based steps to fight the affair, tell us now.

Sorry, I do not want to tell the country since it is a small country and I can easily get tracked down if he is reading any forums... It is in Europe though...

I have not exposed the A yet, but I am preparing a letter to send to his family exposing it, accompanied with all the proof I have collected these months.

I am not fully familiar with Dr. Harley's recovery program, so I cannot say that I will follow the steps 100%... But I will return to this once I finish with my reading...

I do not have an attorney yet, but I have visited a few in October just to know my rights. My main concern is that I am feeling disgust with his attitude. I am not sure I want him back. It is like he is a totally different person. I am also reading stuff related with mid life crisis (although I know that Dr. Harley does not believe in this) and I see that most of his actions lead to this (was upset when he turned 30, started joining the gym and taking protein shakes, changed his appearance and the way he dresses, bought a convertible car, started questioning his life, refused to have a baby, etc). Is this normal? I am reading that many BSs are feeling angry 6 months after Dday, did this happen to any of you?

So, what is my first step? I believe that I am implementing Plan B and quite successfully for tha past 4 days (I do not initiate any contact and refuse to take his calls, trying to detach, meeting with my friends and generally try to use my energy on anything else rather than being at home thinking about my situation).

Gather all the evidence you can and EXPOSE the adultery.

1) look for her and his contacts on facebook. Copy and paste to keep safe.

2) find her entire family (husband/boyfriend/exhusband/parents/siblings/cousins/aunts/uncles/ everyone)

3) Then you Plan A for three weeks. Link to Pepperband's carrot/stick Plan thread above. It gives you step by step details.

EXPOSURE IS YOUR BEST WEAPON.

You should expose immediately. I am confused as to why you are in Plan B before you have done exposure and Plan Ad him.

Do you know who to expose to on OWs side?

It is very important that you ask everyone to support you.

How do you find the strength to expose to OW's family and friends? I am really scared to do this... I only have a telephone of her mother and the email address of her sister. Her FB page is locked, so I cannot check and find her closest friends...

Thank you for guiding me through this... I will read more on Plan A...

What are your fears exactly? If you can identify these we will help you to overcome.

Have you read THIS and THIS?

I promise you will feel much much better after exposure.

Be angry and brave. You didn't do anything wrong - he had an affair!

My greatest fear is their reaction. I am not a loud person, therefor I will be very upset if they start accusing me for the affair, or stating that their daughter would never do this. Her mother is also divorced, but I do not know anything else about her. I cannot locate her father.

One thing I realised is that my H's main fear is that I tell everything I know to our friends and family. So I do believe that exposure is a great weapon for me, but I am also afraid that this will mean that there will be no hope left for saving my M...

Also I am afraid that I am late on the exposure, as I have known for the A since October... Do I have any chance?

I have read the links to Exposure101 and MelodyLane's other thread that Mr_R suggested and I am wondering, what is the best way to contact OW's mother? I am thinking of:

a) Call her directly
b) Send her a letter with all the evidence and my contact info
c) Expose to OW's sister through FB, asking her to tell her mother to contact me...

Hello,

I am not a vet here and am more or less in the same situation like you. But from my personal experience I can advice you to listen to these people here and do step by step what they advice to kill the affair. Without this forum you are lost and have no means of getting any control over the situation. Your only hope is that your H will come back to his senses and he will stop being this lying, manipulative, rude, ruthless [censored]. Every time he speaks to you, he will give you hope that things will get ok and he will come back. Every time after that you will get disappointed.
Believe me it will not happen on its own.

With the plans (plan A and plan B) that these nice people here offer to guide you, you will gain back all the control of your life.
I was lost of near a year before I started actually implementing what I was told here. I was depressed, started drinking alot (had a newborn baby in the same time) and my WH behaviour was dragging me more and more down. I am so sorry I have let him injure me and our kids this way for so many months.

I am also from a small European country and for a long time I had no way to get dr Harley's books. I found this website and they deliver WorldWide free. Get Surviving an affair it will help you understand
http://www.bookdepository.co.uk/search/advanced?searchAuthor=Willard+F.+Harley

Good luck

Thank you livensi!

I hope it all turns good with your sitch. Did you also get mixed signals from your husband? I am getting all kinds of reactions. One time he is angry because of something I have said/done, another is calling crying telling me that he does not know what to do and that he is desparate. Last Saturday he came back to the house to get his remaining clothes. After that he called me crying and wanted to meet to discuss. I did not want to meet and told him that I am doing this because it will be one of the same, it will end up with both of us fighting and crying. We agreed to talk to the phone later that evening to discuss, when we will be calmer. When I called him, he didn't answer and later he had sent me an sms stating that he is sorry he called me crying and that he prefers not to talk to me. I did not reply. Sunday went by with no contact. Today I got 2 sms from him asking if I am fine and if he can talk to me. I still haven't replied to the sms. I am lost, I do not how to respond. I get the feeling that everything I do is wrong and he gets upset

How would you respond to this situation? Would you answer or would you stay dark?

P.S.: Thank you for the book, I will order it!

You need to be ready for that kind of reaction. But your main goal is not to get their support (which would be helpful of course) but to inform them. Prepare your message in MB (calm) way. You are informing them - without judgements.

Waywards are terrified of exposure because they know that it will ruin their affair. There is no hope for your M as long the affair lasts. Of course he will be angry - but think about it as a purgatory fire.


I exposed to after 9 months and it worked.


Call her directly (prepare the message!) and offer to send evidence by email.

The only evidence I have is 3 emails they exchanged, plus a lot of information of the places they were meeting (but with no evidence). I could write them all down though...

Do you thing this is enough?

Listen to the vets. You need to expose...soon. I thought a lot like you a few weeks ago, and exposure is the single greatest thing I have done to save my marriage since I found out about the A. The second best thing I did was call Steve.

Here's my thread. You'll notice my apprehension in the first few pages.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2599045#Post2599045