I need some advice. I am under a time crunch to make a major decision. I am engaged to be married in a few weeks. My fianc� is ending a 17 year career to move to my town (in one week) and will be looking for a new career down here. All of the processes are in order, the paperwork has been done, the packers and movers are on their way, and I feel like a freight train is bearing down on me. I can�t decide whether to stay and see what happens after I am run over or whether I need to get out of the way and divert the train.

He is everything I think I want and I�ve never had a better relationship. I find him very attractive, our sex life is great, he is amazingly supportive, and genuinely seems to like being with me. The problems are that I have children from a previous marriage and he will never feel the same about them that I do, he has high expectations for a loving relationship and I feel like I am always letting him down, and I am having feelings for my ex husband that I feel like I want to explore. My fianc� knows I am feeling a lot of stress about all of the upcoming changes and that I wish we could postpone or spread some of them out. In reality we cannot do that without quite a bit of hardship, hurt feelings, financial loss, and just general drama. I do not want to do that to him, to us, to my children, unless I feel more confident that I am on the wrong path. I truly don�t know whether its cold feet or something much larger.

As far as the ex husband goes, we had a 15 year marriage with general ups and downs. Due to a series of stressful circumstances I ended up cheating on him with the man who is now my current fianc�. The affair was exposed to family and friends in a very dramatic tumultuous way and, at the time, I felt I needed to just get away in order to breath and survive. I moved out, we divorced and I continued what felt to be a very healthy and happy relationship with my fianc�. Only in the last six months have I stopped to consider what I did to my family, my kids, my ex and my life in general. In the last few weeks I have discussed some of these feelings with my ex, and while he is open to dating and starting over, he doesn�t want to influence my decision. I know that I wouldn�t be walking into the same relationship but I also know we had several BIG issues that would need to change in order of us to be happy and successful together. The top four are distancing ourselves from his family, changing his career, learning to be more open and honest with each other, and establishing better trust. He is aware of these things and agrees they need to be worked on, but he will not offer any promises at this time. I have no doubt I still love him and putting my family back together would bring all of us great joy.

I realize there is also the option of choosing neither at this time and being alone, but due to circumstances described, that would essentially mean ending things with both men. There is no way to stop time and if I do nothing my fianc� will be here and I will have defaulted to closing the door with my ex. If I choose to explore things with my ex, then I need to find a way to stop the train that is charging toward me and deal with the explosion that will cause. I truly feel both men are great choices and neither path would lead to disaster. I just need to find a way to make a final decision and cope with closing the door on the other man.

I am hoping for some impartial opinions. Maybe you all can help me see things in a different light, or ask a question of me that helps me settle the tornado in my mind.

The odds would be extremely against you in such a marriage. Almost noone can make marriage in this situation work, and the rare few that do still have regrets for the rest of their lives and wish they had not.

If you are not sure, you should not be getting married. That's a general rule that applies to anyone in any situation.

I know you're looking for advice and I do sympathize with your heartache/stress. You've come to a good place and while we may not tell you what you want to hear, there will certainly be a preponderance of insight for you, if you wish to accept it. Meanwhile there is a wealth of information on the general sight which can be helpful to anyone, if you haven't availed yourself to it yet.

You are engaged to a known adulterer. That in itself should give you pause.

optimism

I'm trying to picture how your kids will feel about their new stepdad, with whom mommy was cheating on daddy. OK, I thought about it, I don't think that your fiance will enjoy the dinner table conversations very much.

Combine that with the fact that you have feelings for your X, and I'd say stop the train, as you are heading for a trainwreck.

And then I think some time alone will do you good. I'm thinking at least a year or two.

AGG

Unfortunately, your affair marriage is doomed. Once the fantasy wears off [and it wear off quick!] you will be left with nothing other than a selfish man of low character. Of the affairs that do make it to marriage, 70% of those end in divorce inside of 5 years. [95% of all affairs die within 2 years] The very things that made them possible, deceit, selfishness, thoughtlessness, and dishonesty eventually destroy the relationship.

Just think of the kind of man you are marrying. He is the kind of guy who has no respect for marriage in the first place. He didn't respect your past marriage and he won't respect a marriage with you.

Dr Harley has tried to save these marriages for years and has never figured out a way to do it. They are ALWAYS unhappy, miserable marriages. In his 40 years as a psychologist he said he only knows of ONE such affairage that was happy, but that the man bitterly regretted marrying his adultery partner because of the damage it did to his relationship with his kids.

Harley discusses affairages here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2233

And your kids will figure out that your affair wrecked their family and will hold it against you. You might have them brainwashed for now, but I promise you they will figure out what you did to them eventually. They will resent you and they will resent your adultery partner. You are planning on making them with the enemy? ugh... They won't soon forget that slap in the face.

Tragically, your children are seeing horrible role modeling that will taint them for life. You are teaching them that adultery and lying are acceptable behaviors. They are being taught that families and marriages are disposable only to seek one's "happiness." They are learning that they should seek their "happiness" at

Yes, you are making a horrendous mistake. This will be the biggest mistake of your life and you should back out.

Also, consider the fact that your adultery partner has nothing against adultery. Are you willing to tolerate his affairs after you are married? That is what you are signing up for, after all.

That is what we typically see with affairages on this forum. They experience affairs in their affairage because the participants believe that adultery is acceptable. You have to accept that you are marrying an adulterer.

He should only take you back if you make dramatic personal changes in the way you conduct yourself. You are not a safe or marriage worthy person without making radical changes. The only way he should even consider it is if you take steps to EARN his forgiveness and give him just compensation. Otherwise, you are no prize, but a death of a thousand cuts and a life of hell.

Oh, I had a question. You said that your affair was exposed. Does that mean that your ex is familiar with MB concepts? I had not heard the term "exposure" (in this situation) before MB, so it made me wonder.

opt

I know you're trying to make this out like it is some sort of existentialism crisis but really...

You are an adulterer and you are just repeating your behaviours.

If you want to stop this "train" that you speak of, ask the conductor. Yourself. Until then, quit wrecking people's trust, lives, families. Look at the pain of the betrayed spouses here? Why would you want to do that to your ex again if you really loved him?

Very well put alis. I also get the sense of OP as the kid in the candy store - "so many men, so little time". That's why I suggested the time alone, I think that is by far the best solution, much better than the Monkees' "Here Comes Tomorrow" scenario that is being played out.

AGG

Optimism - It wasn't my ex who exposed, it was my affair partner's wife. She told everyone. But I do believe my ex is familiar with Marriage Builders concepts. We have both referenced this site in the past and have used the books at various times.

Alis - I am the conductor but I don't know how to stop the train without causing destruction and pain for everyone involved. And the only reason I feel that this is a crisis is because I put off doing anything about my feelings and now the time is nearly up. I want to get clear in my head and I want to do it quickly.

Melody - I am more than familiar with your advice and stance on this board. To a certain extent I agree with your philosophies. Having an affair is a devastating, life-altering event, but it is not the only grave mistake made in marriages. I realize that topic is a big focus of this site, but looking at someone as though they wear a big scarlet A is not taking into account the rest of that person. I do have redeeming qualities that exist outside of the affair.

I AM concerned about our affair beginning the relationship and what it tells about both of us. He, more than myself, because he has cheated several times on his then wife. I have been in therapy off and on since this happened several years ago and I do have commitment issues. But simply not committing isn't the answer. I do want to be married and I am willing to do the hard work necessary to be faithful and successful. I may not understand fully how I hurt everyone involved, but I am grasping it more and more as time goes on. I hate what I did and don't want that to be a major defining characteristic of myself. I want to do be better and be better.

FellowMaestro, you have already caused the destruction. You need to stop it by not acting so impulsively. i.e., don't marry this man you are not sure about. Do nothing. Slow down.


FM, honesty really is the best policy. If you want to better your life, you should start practicing it now. What other names have you posted under on this board?

You are right. Your counselor is distracting you.


You are in the right place. But that's a big job. I am not sure you realize how big it is. And when we start talking to you about the requirements, it will be telling if you will balk or not.

Requirement #1 for doing the hard work necessary to be faithful:

Become an honest person.

"I realize that topic is a big focus of this site, but looking at someone as though they wear a big scarlet A is not taking into account the rest of that person. I do have redeeming qualities that exist outside of the affair."

I am sure you have some nice qualities but that does not mean you are redeemed for being an adulterer and a liar who selfishly destroyed 2 marriages and the lives of her children in pursuit of her selfish interests. That doesn't erase who you really are: an adulterer.

If you don't want to be that kind of person, then you have to make amends for what you have done and stop your adultery. You are headed right into a life of hell, and frankly, that is what you deserve at this point. The only sad part is that you are dragging your children into the sewer with you. They deserve better.

Folks here will help you make the right decisions, but you are on the wrong forum if you are seeking support in being an adulterer. If you want to pursue your adultery, you are on the wrong forum.

Markos - so you believe I should be honest with my fiance right now? Without knowing what I want to do, and whether my head is clear?

Melody - When you say stop my adultery what do you mean? I am not married anymore to anyone. And I don't want support in being an adulterer. I want help picking up the pieces and moving forward. The affair is done and I'm trying to make sense after the fog. I truly do want help.

I am having a very difficult time trusting myself to make decisions and to know what is "right."

^^^
You are NOT "out of the fog", you are continuing behaviours of an adulterer.

You are seeking potential romantic companionship with other men when you are in a so-called "committed" relationship. I don't think you seem to realize that you lack this boundary? Do you think it is appropriate for a woman, who is to be married in a few weeks, to discuss her romantic feelings with another man & "chances"??

You're flip flopping -> which one will make YOU happier, at the expense of others.

You are not "recovered" like you think, you are not "out of the fog" as you think. You haven't learned how to behave in a committed relationship yet since your first marriage almost 20 years ago. It's time to start learning!

And you don't learn when you string others along... do it on your own.

I asked you a question, and I believe you should honestly answer it. Perhaps you missed it.

One thing you need is some new definitions. An affair is not done until the affairees never see or talk to each other again, for life. You are engaged to the man you had an affair with (unless I misread what you said), so you are still in contact with him. The affair is still on.

Please answer my question about previous names you might have posted under on this site.

I agree, and I think the OP still sounds largely fogged in. Until the fog lifts, no right decisions can be made.

AGG