Yes, I'd like to know this, as well. It's similar to what I asked on the 23rd - I don't believe that was answered either:

He mentioned that it was via an online dating site and that her ex-husband was abusive *cough* *cough*

I think we can all read between the lines here: this probably isn't her first go with adultery and she has likely been cheating on bigsky for longer than he realizes.

I would like to know whether either of them was married when they met.

"Dancing one night online dating site"? That doesn't make sense.

You were divorcing - i.e. still married. Why were you divorcing?

Was she married? You speak of a BF. How long had she been divorced?

Well guys got my answer as to what to do today......She filed. Property division is actually correct she wants to get this out of the way so she can move on.I am sure its over and there really isn't anything I can do or say. Yes there where problems most if not all could have been and can be repaired but it would be a uphill battle she wouldn't even admit to the EA today on the phone even after I just agreed to call it quits and told her I was psostive about what had been happening.

I know there is always hope but in this case I believe it is over for sure. Even though she said there was hope before the exposure I still don't think there was and exposure in my mind was the right thing to do.truth is I will never know.

So now on to recovery, rented a house today. I feel good about that no limbo for kids anymore. Time to move on. I might have been able to handle this situation better for sure if I would have known about this site and reading the information earlier but I think I started to late in the game I was already out.

All I can do now is work on me and in the future make someone a better husband and watch for the signs and just make sure we both feel loved and I will not have to be here again. I have a friend who told me 1 week into my situation his WW was cheating he is having a tough time trying to get her to read and follow but he is still having resistance from his WW.There PA is out in the open. I hope you guys can help him. I know he is following the posts and he may eve have posted I haven't asked.

Thanks all if you have suggestions now on anything just post I will try to help others with the knowledge I have gained from here.

Bigsky, are you going to answer our questions, or not? Because I have great hesitation in encouraging you to post anything to future posters if you are evasive and possibly duplicitous. I'm sorry you are hanging things up, but that is your call. I also think your evasiveness is going to hamstring you in the future - if you're going to hide things from total strangers, what will you hide from a future partner?

No, you didn't get your answer. People have come back from far worse than that.


Yes. The suggestion is to answer the questions that are asked of you.

well lets see we met online went dancing that night myspace.

I was going thru a 2yr long divorce with kids I was about 1yr and a few months into it 2nd date partner I didn't try to fix last marriage at all.Should have.

No I didn't know her when she was married.

I was divorcing simple reason the was infidelity on both of are parts.(1st marriage) learned our lessons from that.

She had been divorced 6yrs with 2 boyfriends come to find out cheated on both of them and they just left.She was cheating on the last one with me and I didn't know it.

Yes this had been going on longer than I though.

Found out she was diagnosed as bipolar when she went to counseling with her last BF/Fiance. That was the reasoning for no counseling.

This unfortunately from what I can see is a vicious cycle for her 3-5 yrs each relationship implodes.Ends with her replacing the guy or in this case her husband with a new partner before he is gone.

I would love to help my wife and our marriage but at this point it takes two and I am dealing with three. me, her, and the replacement.

You say many have come back from worse than this, I know that have been reading but I have no idea which way to turn.So hope I answered all the questions and someone will have some incite.

Thank you again. All advice will be taken to heart it has been.

OMG I just got a horrible telephone call........she has done this to me for at least a year maybe more with multiple guys.
I am so I don't know she has a problem and I want to help but I don't.......grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... I love or loved my wife so much. And from what I can tell she has been doing it to get money out of them that is what I was told from a acquaintance of hers no dog in this hunt just a friends girlfriend who has witnessed it there has been at least 3 more....OMG I am so HURT......I see all the pieces now they fit why she has been so depressed and withdrawn she was eaten up by the guilt, and when and where.......GOD HELP HER and ME!!!

How am I ever going to repair me now I have to tell her I know I should tell everyone what I know.grrrrrrrrr

sorry venting here......man I just cant believe it but I do I have been seeing it happen and not admitting it to myself I trusted her so much. I am lost right now I know my faith in god and me will fix me but grrrrrrrr.......I don't know what else to say or ask or do...........

Im sorry all ...........

What should I do now anyone have any ideas could this even be repaired let alone should I even try.

bigsky, you shouldn't edit a post to include new, crucial information, as you did here. People who read the original post will not realise that it has been edited. No wonder you had no response.

I'm bumping this so people can see it and respond now.

I'm confused.

You discovered these facts about your wife when?
While dating?
After marriage?
Last week?
Yesterday?


And, how were these facts brought to your attention?
She told you?
Someone else told you?
You found evidence?

When and how are important.

I discovered this day before yesterday
Someone else told me one of her family friends trying to help.

And there is more I did some checking with a employee at the bar she works at whom I trust and have known for years, and he confirmed some things and laid to rest others.....still multiple EAs confirmed by him if not PAs he did say there was quite a bit of inappropriate actions he would not have liked if he was her husband and knew. He told me the only reason no one has told me was everyone thought I knew and didn't give a rats [censored] according to her. But now that I exposed what was going on some people are coming out of the dark they realize I do care I was didn't know what all was there. He added that she is power drinking at work every weekend now for over a yr. To the point she has blacked out after closing and they had to sober her up and bring her home without me knowing, I have never seen her drunk during the week and have always concluded that the alcohol smell when she got home was from her clothes so that explains some of her mood swings week to weekend and never having any energy sleeping all day during the weekend.The hits just keep coming..................The bar has to go its just as bad as the OM at this point who is also a drunk according to my source.He keeps buying her drinks to get his way......grrrrrrrrr

There you go I am just very tired right now I haven't slept in almost 32hours any suggestions for a worn out husband.....God I didn't know it was this bad.

So you've been married for four years and she's been cheating on you for at least one year but probably longer. And I'd bet you don't know the half of it, either.

And you have no children together.

Does that about sum it up?

Time to take an honest look at what YOU want out of YOUR marriage. I'd file for a divorce to cover your [censored] financially and do a Plan B to remove yourself from the drama. If things change, you can always cancel the divorce but, if times goes on and nothing changes, then you've got yourself covered as well.

Sorry to hear the updates.

Alcoholism doesn't just go away, and if you stay with her it'll be a hard row to hoe.

It sounds as though most, if not all, of your marriage has been something other than what you thought it was.

I'd walk. Your two kids are learning all of the wrong things by being exposed to this woman. Be thankful that they are not hers, so you won't have to fight with her over them.

Wow!

• You have a short-term marriage, with no common children.
• You know she's been carrying on an affair.
• She hits you with a restraining order keeping you from your house.
• You find out she's got SERIOUS alcohol problems.
• You don't even have a good count on how many APs she's had.
• You discover she's effectively been whoring it out for....drinks!

There is nothing - N O T H I N G - that suggests giving this any more of your life.

Instruct your lawyer to draw up papers and file A S A P.

I would encourage you to attend a local Al-Anon meeting also. It has helped me (in fact I'm going to one tonight!)

Big,
How old are you?

Get out while you can. Don't you think you deserve better?
CT

That's my thoughts guys I just don't like giving up on anything, I am a GUY we can fix anything, well almost anything.

I just didn't have any idea how bad it really was.

I have already been going to the plan B Moving out stuff this weekend to new house getting my kids a place to feel comfortable and safe. I am going to do a formal letter to her about how I want this to go if she gets help if she cuts out the bar if she etc etc etc and cut it off from there still formulating that one. Already had the divorce papers done and served I figured I could always stop them or put on a hold etc.

Got a temporary order issued to cya.

Now its on to recovery for me and read alot of the MB items I never want to live this hell again.

Thanks guys everyone this was to far gone to save. I wish I had paid more attention but I don't think that would have helped.I do love her very much but I cant fix this alone and I cant put my kids through this they don't deserve that.

Any suggestions from here on out just post them here or in the recovery section.Thank You all again very much and god bless you all for trying and understanding when even we don't.

Bigsky,

Sorry to see your latest update.

One thing that stands out to me: You were still married when you started dating her. You admit adultery on your part in that marriage. Maybe you didn't respond to this earlier because you thought people might point that out?

When you go from one married wrought with infidelity to dating another serious partner when not even divorced, you aren't healed. The obvious is that you are still married but the less obvious is that you haven't taken enough time to analyze yourself, your actions, or how to recognize those actions/boundaries/issues.

When you haven't truly healed from such an experience and from your actions through time and work, you tend to make poor choices in a partner (ie. ignore certain things about a potential spouse that would make a "healed" person run away from a red flag). Most girls with their heads on straight would not enter a relationship with a married man.

As they say, "out of the pan and into the fire"

So if you go through with this divorce (and I don't think anyone will disagree with that), please take the time to HEAL yourself fully before getting back into dating.

Bigsky, your wife is an alcoholic. You can't repair your marriage until she gets clean. That will involve her leaving that job and getting counseling for her alcoholism. Can you make that happen?

BigSky,

She has 2 older children we have been married for 4 yrs. I have 2 younger children.All of them must be protected.

For the sake of your 2 younger children, please pull up stakes and don't look back. You don't need a divorce 5 or 10 years from now when the fallout will be greater.

How did her previous marriage end? You might not know the truth, as she appears to spin a web of lies to make herself look ok.

God Bless
Gamma