Second phase of exposure will start soon and I think it will have an impact that goes wide and goes far.

The issue isn't her past ... the issue is this kind of interaction (how she was raised, her environment, her parents) have shaped her emotional needs. Her weak boundaries around men is her way of getting these needs met. This is likely a strong need for affection and intimate conversation. Since she is [censored] backwards in understanding healthy relationships she dropped her boundaries to get her needs met from a very inappropriate (affairing down) man who is probably just as messed up and/or delusional as she. She changed her value system versus changing her behavior. It is easier that way.

Your job as her husband if you want to save the marriage is to figure out how you can meet these needs.

Currently EXPOSURE and past resentments are getting in your way of her allowing you to meet her needs. Along with the contrast effect she is doing with her OM (he is all positive) and you (You are all negative) ... it makes for a bad combination.

Since contact is still ongoing with OM her chemicals in her brain are creating a HIGH based on her ALL POSITIVE experiences with him at this moment.

The best that can be done is for you to try and meet other needs, i.e. domestic support, physical attraction, financial support, etc. It just depends on your Plan A "plan".

Her adultery will have to die a natural death ... she is sitting in a large cesspool, her fantasy fog is thick because she thinks OM is GREAT, her destruction will continuously keep growing underneath her.

She cannot escape herself.

It would be very nice to put every WS in a nice little characteristic package and say that they did what they did because....

Unfortunately, this is not realistic. As many people have said on this site, there are a number of reasons why people chose to have affairs. A lot of these reasons are similar but not all are the same. The bottom line is, that there is no excuse for making this selfish and painful choice but there is a cure that can change your future choices and actions.

Being a recent WW, I have discovered a lot about myself. However, it did take me finding this site, getting out of my fog, and really understanding my weaknesses to even begin to save my marriage. I also have the understanding that this hard work is a life long commitment that I am willing to make for myself and my BS

In looking at your list of reasons why your wife has chosen to have an affair, I do see some of myself in those characteristics. The bottom line however is until she realizes this and decides to respect herself, her husband, and her marriage there is not a lot that you can do.

I really hope that she comes to this realization and is willing to use MB to make your marriage all that it can be. Until then, keep coming to the experts on this site for support and knowledge.

Fifteen - this bothers me ... One commits adultery because they have poor boundaries around the opposite sex. The only cure is to understand how important boundaries are around the opposite sex, and to make sure your spouse is the only one available to meet your emotional needs.

Pray,

I think that you misunderstood what I said. I understand completely that the reason for affairs are poor boundaries and not setting up EPs that protect you from affairs. I am also no longer naive enough to believe that other people can meet your EN's if you let them.

The reasons I was talking about were childhood and genetic reasons that were used above as characteristics for an affair.

Sure it can happen to anyone, but some people are wired for it, IMHO....

Dr. Harely talks about how we are all wired for an affair including himself, 9:30 into the segment.
Dr. Harely talks abuot how we are all wired for an affair.

Meant to say.... Sure it can happen to anyone, but some people are MORE wired for it THAN OTHERS, IMHO....

The only reason one person would be "more wired" to have an affair than anyone else is because of poor boundaries. That's really it.

Many supposedly intelligent people commit adultery, people from all classes of life, those with good childhoods and those with poor childhoods. There is no test that we know of that would predict whether one is "more wired" for adultery than another would be. It all comes down to have good solid boundaries in place.

You are welcome to your opinion, of course, but here on the forum, most of the posters agree wholeheartedly with Dr. Harley. We are all wired for it; those of us who have not chosen to commit adultery have boundaries in place.

You are trying to make some kind of sense of a terribly illogical decision. There is no sense in it at all.

I think that once the boundary of adultery has been crossed, it might be easier for that same person to cross the boundary a second time.
Especially if they did not 'get caught' the first time.

I have always thought of adultery as a taboo.
Forbidden. Off limits. Prohibited.

In no way am I saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

I am saying that MB based recovery is probably the best way (if not the only way) to address this issue & to avoid 'serial cheating'.

Remove the conditions that allowed the affair in the first place.
When couples fail to do this, a second adultery becomes possible.