I read these items from the book "Love life for every married couple, how to fall in love, stay in love, rekindle your love" by Ed Wheat, MD

Prepare yourself for the "worst", expect and accept he/she has slept with the OP.

Prepare to be "perfect", if you want to save your marriage you cannot just be a good husband or wife. You have to be perfect in your behavior toward your partner.

Prepare to be "rejected", accept he/she will not accept your attempt at love bank deposits but keep trying.

There can be ZERO doubt about your commitment to save your marriage. Make your commitment!

When your spouse withholds their love, trust in the lord to meet your emotional needs.

Give your spouse honor, love and biblical respect even though their actions do not deserve it.

Don't try to reform your spouse. Just love them.

Live one day at a time.

Don't try to do it on your own. The lord is with you.

Don't be bitter against anyone in the situation. Never turn your children against their mom/dad. Forgive!

Don't ask family or friends to take sides against them. They will choose.

Don't discuss your intimate marriage problems. Don't give fuel to gossip.

Never discuss your problems with a friend of the opposite sex.

Spend as much time in the "Word of God" as possible.

Concentrate on yourself, redeeming the mistakes you have made, and asking God to show you how to change, rather than concentrating on your partners failures.

Do NOT separate! Encourage your spouse to stay in the home no matter what.

Do NOT give in to divorce! Do all in your power to delay or prevent. If you must consult a lawyer, make it clear to the lawyer this is only for your financial protection and that of your children.

Spend time with people who will encourage you in spiritual growth.

Do NOT overcompensate with your children. They need your love and stability while their parent is gone, but they still need discipline. It will be hard to build a new love relationship with your spouse when they come home if the children are out of control.

Do not try to defend yourself from gossip or criticism. Keep your mouth shut.

Remember that the most innocent thing you will say will get twisted. Avoid loose talk and do not listen to tale-bearing.

When you do anything (large or small) to pull the marriage apart, you are going against God's will. Let that be your guideline for all decisions.

DON'T expect your spouse to change overnight when they do come home.

The hardest time maybe when you are reconciled and you have a tendency to fall back into old habit patterns. DON'T DO IT!

Hope all things, believe all things, endure all things.


I hope this helps someone, I know it helped me.

I don't know about this, sc. There are quite a few things on this list that are contrary to Dr Harley's advice in Fall in Love Stay in Love, His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair.

What does the author mean by "Never turn your children against their mom/dad. Forgive!"? Would he count a BS exposing the affair as doing this? Many people see exposure to children as vindictive, but Dr Harley advises that we should tell them the truth about what is happening. How does the author see exposure to children?

The same goes for "Don't ask family or friends to take sides against them. They will choose." Is he talking about exposure here? Again, exposure to family and friends is strongly recommended by Dr Harley in Plan A.

And as for "do not separate" and "do not give in to divorce" - separation and divorce are warranted where an affair continues and the WS cake-eats and inflicts cruelty on the spouse and children.

What makes you call this "Plan A items"? Is that how the author describes them in his book? The trouble with that is that there is only one Plan A, and that is the plan created by Dr Harley. If the author is calling this "Plan A", then he appears to be taking bits of Harley (including the terminology) and adapting them to his vision. However, Dr Harley's plans are designed to interlock very tightly. You cannot leave out crucial parts like exposure and hope that Plan A will work anyway.

This sounds much more like the Divorce Remedy plan recommended by Michele Weiner Davis, which is a disastrous way to respond to an affair.

I am new to this forum community, I am very glad to join this community ***edit***
Thanks.