Nearly a "mirror image" of what a soon-to-be-wayward tells him/her self. Most waywards mentally 'divorce' their spouse.
"We were married in name only."
"The marriage was all but finished."
"It was all over except for the paperwork."

It is not uncommon for a brand new, freshly betrayed spouse, to feel this way.
What is rather unusual is for a BS in marriage recovery to feel/think/say this sort of thing.

After some level of personal recovery, a BS will often realize they made vows to themselves and to God, not only "to" their wayward.

A BS is never encouraged to toss his/her integrity and beliefs out the window just because this is what their wayward did.

In Sickness and In Health ... For Better For Worse ... In Good Times and Bad ... Until death do us part ...

What does a vow really mean if you cannot honor these simple words that GOD used to join two and turn them into "One" ... yes we have the option to divorce ... but GOD makes it perfectly clear it solves nothing.

A repentant wayward deserves our support ... why is their sin any less forgivable that our own?

As a BW I can reassure you a wayward and the betrayed both have a treacherous, painful, and monumental journey ahead of them neither will come out unscathed and both will hopefully come out healed ...

Only by God's Grace can we all survive together ... A repentant wayward is someone I can walk my journey with ...

I already told you that he does read these posts, as far as I know. As of a few weeks ago, BH said there was a 99.99% chance he was going to D. Don't know if that percentage is changed at all. Rest assured, I highly doubt that some mere posts on this forum will persuade him to give that 0.01% chance a go. You can celebrate if he decides it's not worth it.
It would seem that BH and you are cut from different cloth.

You think a lot of things that aren't true. How does one eat an elephant? One bite at a time. When I ran my first half marathon, if I had focused on the fact I was going to have to run 13 miles (especially with no training), I would've been like, "I can't do that- why even start". But I focused on the first mile. Once I got to mile one, then I made my way through mile two. Pretty soon, it was over, and I looked back and I had run 13.1 miles. I'm choosing to take it one day at a time.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

But don't think for a second that I'm not aware of the challenge.

AM, I think you're right. I hesitated to say that b/c I did it once, it came easier the second time- but I think that's the case. Ironically, I naively thought that since I had done it once, I was 'aware' that I had that capability, so it would never happen again. I wasn't 'aware' enough to put any boundaries in place to make sure it didn't though. Because I thought I would be strong enough. Laughable, I know. But that's what my twisted mind thought.

A deadline? Ha! He would probably tell me to go 'F' myself, if I said anything of the sort. He did fill out the EN's- b/c Steve asked him to.

Thank you for the prayers.
Yes, while BH is making a lot of the decisions, I am not sitting up in a corner all day by myself, waiting for him to come and find me. I ask him if he wants to go do things with me. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. Steve harley said it's like rehab- if you're working on range of motion on an injured leg(this is all too real for me..ha!), you can't just tell the patient to tell you when to stop- b/c the patient may be able to tolerate too much pain, and it won't be healthy. Or the patient may be a wimp and tell you to stop at the first movement. When I was talking to steve about coming back home after my surgery, he said he doesn't recomend separation. I knew my BH didn't necessarily want me around all that much. And my own fear and pride could've definitely come into play by choosing to stay where I was. So that was me 'pushing', as steve says, and he says it's a learning process, that I should 'push' per se- until BH pushes back- and then I learn how to push/not to push.

I should clarify, as far as I am understanding steve- He wasn't so much talking about pushing BH into recovery, but more along the lines of spending time together, moving home, etc.

I asked BH if he wanted to go do something this weekend. He said, 'no, he didn't think he really wanted to spend that much time with me.' So he flew to visit his brother instead. I didn't get upset and cry. I understand- I get it. I told him I am grateful for every moment we get to spend together, but of course there is the inner greedy me, that wants more time. I don't think I was wrong to ask if wanted to spend time with me- he has the decision to say no(which he did).

Doro,

My H was horrified by his actions in 2004. But, other than not getting roaring drunk again, he did not put any precautions into place. What happened next was he was on extended active duty, we were living in two different cities (sound familar?), he and OW spent time together, worked in the same office, often went to lunch together, outside for smoke breaks. They talked about personal things and a short time later were in "lurve". I think one of the other things that made his EA/PA affair easier was that he had spent three years lying. It became easier and easier to lie because he had his secret drunken ONS. He was also highly addicted to OW and it took a long time for him to commit to recovery.

AM

I'm glad you shared your own experience.

Tasks- well, from our joint session, he had just wanted me to go over again with BH all the ways that I'm protecting myself. Next week, I think he had said he was going to give us directions on how to share our EN/LB questionnaires. And whenever I talk with him next solo, we are supposed to come up with the plan- a 2 phase plan- one dealing with the injury and one dealing with recovery.

Other than that, I am just focusing on meeting EN's, and talking to BH about why there is a future for us.

Sounds positive.

Yes...sounds familiar. I too was very sincerely horrified about what I'd done. And I knew I had to tell BH about it. I think one of my main issues regarding the first time was that I never fully took responsibility. I thought I had. But I still blamed BH for everything he had done wrong in our relationship (What...you think I contributed to our relationship problems?? nah....) I didn't do much of anything to really compensate for my actions. That is probably one of the things I am beating myself up about the most. I HAD a chance to make it up to him, and I threw it away and I trampled all over him again. Who does that? How could I have not reacted in the right way? It tears me up inside and makes me sick that now it might be too late.

It is tearing me apart that when I look at where my life is now, and the hurt I caused BH and everyone else involved is ALL MY FAULT. I don't even have the excuse (not that it IS a real excuse, although WS's like to say it is), that my 'childhood was rough'. Nope, I grew up in a stable, 2 parent household, who loved me a lot and taught me about God. I look back and ask where I went wrong, and all I can see is the multiple occasions (from way before I even met BH), that I choose to do my own thing, and not walk on the path with God.

Childhood experiences have zilch to do with affairs. One of the most important MB tenets is that anyone - you, me, the most upstanding person you know, will have an affair in the right circumstances.

If someone, anyone - allows someone else to meet needs, allows a love bank to grow, stays in contact with that person, and fails to be honest with their spouse about the growing feelings - they will have an affair.

It doesn't matter how moral a person was immediately before the lovebank began, or how perfect their marriage is - or ho good their childhood is.

I nearly allowed a lovebank to build up with a colleague once, simply because I thought I was someone who would 'never cheat' and was unaware of what boundaries were.

I learned fast, and told my H of the attraction before anything happened luckily it didnt even come close to an EA.

However I can vouch for Dr H when he says the person who believes they would 'never cheat' is the most likely to succumb to an affair.

So please dont buy into any fiction that you were in any way pre-disposed to have an affair. It was your actions at the time that caused the problem, not something 'wrong' with you before hand.

But in the interests of openness, what is it in which you 'chose to do you own thing' before meeting BH that you think contributed?

Oh, I don't think I was "pre-disposed", and I know from reading ad naseum on the forums that a bad child hood doesn't have anything to do with having an A or not. I was just pointing out that I don't even have a bad childhood to TRY to blame it on- even if I wanted to. Was contemplating of how I got here, I look at my upbringing, and see just how off course I have become.

Regarding 'choosing to my own thing'- just not following God in general. Choosing to party and sleep around as opposed to following God's plan. There's been multiple times when I was at a fork in the road- and sometimes I choose the right way, and sometimes(more often than not) I choose the wrong way. I guess I liken my appearance on MB as one of those forks. If I had chosen to not tell him, I would've been continuing down the road that would lead to my eventual destruction. Make any sense?

That's the beauty of MB - its not possible to blame it on anything. It was done because it feels good to have more than one person meet needs. Period. Affairs usually see needs met very easily, although superficially. This feels good enough to ignore the bad, and good enough that we would all fall into it in the right circumstances. As the good Dr says,

We are all wired to have an affair. We can all fall in love with someone of the opposite sex if that person meets one of our emotional needs. If you don't think it can happen to you because of your conviction or will-power, you are particularly vulnerable to an affair. And if you think your spouse would never have an affair, you are also vulnerable.



I think there are very few people who get through their entire youth sticking to the right plan, Doro. I wouldnt go raking through your past looking for explanations. The reason you cheated was a lack of EPs - and you wouldnt have needed EPs when you were single, so that's moot. The present is the important thing, any way.

NG, it was not "rigor", or "indifference", or righteousness", at all. Immediately after D-day. I decided then what it would take for our marriage to survive, and the answers I came up with were, 1) that she would have to do ALL the heavy lifting, until I was sure that the affair was dead and buried. 2) that I knew ALL of the truth about the affair, and that means every particular. Who, what, where, when, why, and how. 3) that until I was certain, I was , in no way, bound by any vows or promises made to her or about her. 4) That I was certain about her level of remorse and commitment. That we are together is testament to her success. I cherish her now , more than I ever did, in the past, and I know that she thinks I'm Superman!!!! LMAO

PB, I am not a religious man. I made my vows to my wife and she made hers to me. I am constantly amazed at how many times people will invoke the aid of the Almighty for their own issues, both good and bad.

Pushing? I seriously doubt that DR. Harley told you to "push", your husband

Doro, a couple of things. I don't believe that a WW should discuss the affair with ANYONE, without the compliance and approval of the BS, and there can be no secrecy about anything. Whether it's an MC, IC, Dr. Harley, a Priest or Pastor, family or friends, the BS'S approval and FULL knowledge are paramount. My wife asked my permission to talk to her pastor, and then relayed everything that was said about the affair and our marriage back to me. I also think that you would do a lot of good for your husband if you took a polygraph, or series of polygraphs. I honestly don't think we would be together without it. What a polygraph does , is give the BS a solid foundation of PROVEN FACT, independent of the WW's words, promises, and pleas, on which he can begin to decide about recovery or divorce. The polygraph and post-nup are two of the best tools for R that I can think of, and you might want to investigate them.

Both Doro and her BH are counselling with Steve H (not Dr H) and the polygraph and post nup issues have already been covered in those counselling sessions as well as on this thread.

You know what? You're right- I just went and looked at my notes from that conversation. What Steve said was (and I quote) "not pull- but stretch. To the feel of resistance" in our interactions. My bad- same meaning for the most part.

But you probably don't like that either. See Indie's comment regarding your other post.

MM,
I am not sure what you are trying to accomplish on this thread? It feels as though you are the jury for Dorom..You are not here husband and it really doesn't seem as though you are bringing anything positive to her thread. I am a BS also but honestly..I don't get your post...I feel it's doing nothing to help her or her husband. Just a comment from the outside looking it. Dorom..I really wish you the best..I am a BS and a FWH..I understand what both are going thru and I really hope things work out for you..I am having a really rough night..and just had to post to MM..

Thank you TringSC...I am also having a really rough night, and you posting means a lot. Praying for you right now.