RD, TW, TR:

With all due respect, we can debate forever the causes for infidelities of every stripe, whether more-or-less worthy, but for the purpose of this thread, 15Y's spouse's actions are not at issue here. 15Y has significant work to do in cleansing her own half of the stable.

Anyway, just my thoughts....

I realize 15y is working on her...who else could she work on...but she is also a BS and I'm sure very hurt from that too.

TW, no need to apologize. I see exactly where you and The Road are coming from. I also agree with Rubydoo that he made the decision to stoop to my level. The saddest part is that he lost my kids trust and respect by doing this. They have started to trust me again but without him being home they are having a real hard time trusting him.
I have also tried to encourage him to get on here. He has gotten on a few times but reading and writing are not really his .thing. He did however read SAA which I was impressed by. I will continue encouraging him to get on without seeming to pushy. This site has been a miracle for me and I know it would be beneficial for him as well.

I just wanted to let everyone know that my husband moved back in this week. I am extremely excited but also very nervous as well. We are following the MB program and he has agreed to read Love Busters with me. We have been spending a lot of time together. I have not been keeping track of the exact hours but I am sure it is at least 15+.

Please continue to pray for me and support me. I am sure I will be coming back here often to get advice. Just curious if I should continue to stay on this thread or move onto the Recovery one?

Any additional advice or thoughts are welcome and thank you for everything I have learned and will continue to learn from you.


Fifteen

Congratulations! Baby steps

Good news.

I did not debate anything. 15years asked for input and I gave her my take.

You can chose to ignore her husbands actions but but they are an issue. His affair can not be swept under the rug. Neither one of the two affairs in this marriage can be swept under the rug.

As to 15 years has to clean her own side of the stable you are totally wrong.

Many a time it has been written here on MB that one spouse has to do the heavy lifting for the both of them to get recovery jump started. Combined with the both them manuring all over both sides of their stable it is not the time to say I'm only going to clean my manure on my side.

As to 15 years has to clean her own side of the stable you are totally wrong.

TR, sometimes it seems you go to great pains to refute someone else's point, even going so far as to make yourself appear totally ignorant of the MB tenets - or maybe you really are.

15Y's spouse is not here. If he were, it would be a wonderful opportunity to counsel him to start working on himself, as we are so diligently urging 15Y to work on herself. Having 15Y spend intellectual/emotional capital on whatever flaws exist within him is NOT efficient. Moreover, it would likely lead to a dead-end to her progress, as she would most assuredly notice the disparity in their situations.

MB is an action-biased plan. One's actions are designed to impact one's own composition. Whatever is to be the future of their marriage, our hope would be that the process would yield the best 15Y possible. That is the basis for the "cleaning one's own half of the stable" analogy.

As for your point about "often the initial burden falls unevenly on one spouse", you actually got that RIGHT! The reason for that, is that the spouse that is so "unfairly" loaded within the tasks of recovery/repair is the ONE SPOUSE THAT GETS TO MB FIRST! So, until the absent partner can be brought here (and "here" might only be to the books and practices), we rightly put our efforts to providing/guiding the partner in attendance with advice.

Okay, ugliness is over! 15Y: Good to hear of the positive developments. You should expect that there will be awkwardness as you and FBH re-approach each other. Keep these in mind:

1) Yours will not be a straight vector toward improvement. Manage the "dips" and keep the general trend in view.
2) When in doubt, let him take the lead.

When you stop ranting can you point out where I said her husband is on MB?

You like to atribute things to me that I did not say.

Being you don't like the way I say things then just don't respond to me.

Being you don't like the way I say things then just don't respond to me.

This, from the person whose initial gambit into this...exchange...was, to my advice:

So you want liberty to (in)correct MY posts, and haughtily resent my setting the record straight?

You, sir, are a VERY funny fellow!

15Y, sorry for this distraction from your good news.

15, I had responded to your post on my thread, but in case you missed it, I just wanted to congratulate you on this good news! The fact that he agreed to follow the MB program and is reading LB with you is huge, and shows he is interested in recovering your M and building it into something more.

Neak said it...baby steps! Try not to let yourself get discouraged...working together, you two have a chance to achieve so much more!

Things have been going very well for the past two weeks and my husband and I have been reading Love Busters. In addition our pastor is doing a series on marriage, sex, divorce etc... A lot of what he says is VERY similar to Dr. Harley. In fact I feel like he might have read one or more of his books to help him with the sermons.



This however would all end today and I am so scared that all of the baby steps we have taken took a giant leap back this afternoon. We went to a local art gallery because my daughters art work was on display. We were looking around and having a great time when all of the sudden my husband was in a big hurry to leave. His face was red and he looked really angry. I looked behind me and saw my OM. I immediately got sick to my stomach, grabbed my daughter and we literally ran out of the gallery.


My H completely shut down on me and as soon as we got home he said he needed to get away. That was three hours ago and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should give him space, how much space, what I can do to help.

I am so worried about my H and feel so guilty about what happened. We had just had a conversation this morning about him needing to talk to someone to get out some of his anger so he did not take it out on me, and now this happens.

We also talked about how he is still in limbo and wants to give me his heart but is still scared. Now I am worried that this is going to make him run in the other direction and want to give up on us completely.

I just don't know what to do to help him.

Think about moving to a new town.

Time to call the realtor. Sell and move far away from the OM.

I'm so sorry this trigger happened to you both. You did exactly the right thing getting out of there ASAP. Just let your H know you are willing to do whatever he needs when he's ready to talk.

Yep, moving is the way to go. You won't realize how glad you are to have the sword of potential accidental contact hanging over both your heads, until it's not there.

Oh boy, as a betrayed man, I can clearly see what your BS is dealing with, and it's NOT easy 15! He's trying like hell to make something work with you after your betrayal and then has this tossed in his face unexpectedly during a recovery family outing? I don't think there's a font big enough to display the OUCH on this one.

When he comes home, and he will, sit him down, apologize like hell, and ask him what he wants YOU to do to ensure this never happens again. Make sure that you make him understand that you will do whatever he requires to recover your marriage. Anything! If it requires moving, then move.

These are steps you will have to take to preserve your marriage. Make sure you mean it if you offer it, because if you back peddle one bit when it all actually comes down, you're done.

No room for error on this one.

JMO

I am so scared that all of the baby steps we have taken took a giant leap back this afternoon.

NG to 15Y, 24 February 2012:

If your BH were here I'd gladly give him the advice I gave to MSS, when presented with a trigger.

• Accept the fact that the trigger is present.
• Analyze the trigger as regards "current" versus "historical" content
• Dismiss the trigger.

OM's existence is a historical fact, THAT'S ALL. He is dead to you, the sooner he is dead to your BH, the better off both of you will be.

Okay, NG, I have a little problem with this one. This isn't your typical trigger. A trigger, the way I see it, is a small reminder such as a song, movie, hotel,restaurant, etc.

What happened today pretty much transcends that. This is a blatant face to face with POSOM while they are out trying to rebuild the family unit. This goes WAY beyond trigger in my opinion.

The POSOM may be dead to her, but he is VERY much alive to BS. That's the problem, and it's not a problem that's gonna resolve itself just because POSOM is dead to her.

It is not dead to BS, and at this point, that's all that matters.

What happened today pretty much transcends that. This is a blatant face to face with POSOM while they are out trying to rebuild the family unit. This goes WAY beyond trigger in my opinion.

We can agree that the trigger was severe and upsetting. However OM's face/presence still falls into the "historical" category. If he had run up to 15Y and said something inappropriate, that would have gained "currency" in the calculation.

Changing venues is the ultimate remediative action for this, of course, as the three or four posters prior to me mentioned. But 15Y and XBH haven't moved, and if THAT decision was POJA'd, they're going to have to develop, or implement, other tactics to deal with the triggers of the future.

My tactic can work. I offered it. Mr 15Y is not here to be urged how to make it work. He should be.

We should be open to any other tactics. But "You must move" has been done.