This doesn't matter one WHIT in determining the actual danger to you, totally separate and apart from the excruciating pain felt by your BH. Whether you felt it on the surface or not, that DID ABSOLUTELY trigger those parts of your brain that felt pleasure in OM's company. It set your R back, whether you feel like it did or not.

This wasn't just a trigger, it was an actual breach in NC. Accidental, yes. Properly handled, yes. But a breach nonetheless. It is vital to prevent this from happening again, because there is no way to R properly without complete NC in place.

There have been posters on here, even some veterans that I respect very much for their wisdom to others, who have had a blind spot in this area. NC means NC, and without it, healing will be slow and incomplete.

This is not said trying to beat up on you, but to hopefully instill within you a sense of urgency about moving. Whatever you lose by leaving at a bad time financially, is nothing compared to what you will lose if you stay.

I think the wife needs to know that you ran into him.

I am glad your BH seems to be getting over it, but you need to do that as a minimum. If this wasn't an accident there needs to be fallout on his side.

And I agree, move..

Just last night I was telling another person on this site to hold onto hope and an hour later I am feeling extremely hopeless!

What do you do when your H tells you that he will never love you the way he did before? That he refuses to let himself be hurt by you so he has decided to pull away every time he feels himself getting close. That he has put up a wall to protect himself and is not planning on tearing it down.

Just when I thought things were on the right path for my marriage my husband crushed me last night and I once again feel like I am back square one and don't know how to move any further.

Again, short and sweet recap - I had a PA our first year of marriage and another one 13 years later. My H had an RA to get back at me (that he still does not see in the same light as my
A and feels that I should not have issues with it). We were separated for a little over a month and he moved back in in February.


I have never been able to completely trust my H. I know Dr.H says that you should never completely trust your spouse but my H has told little white lies throughout our entire marriage. He says now that he did it because it gave him a little bit of satisfaction seeing me squirm after my first A (a year into our marriage). He always justifies it though by saying that in the 16 years that we have been married, he never cheated on me and he never would have if I would not have done it to him, twice.


What he refuses to realize however is that it really damaged me. Add my A's and his A onto that and you are dealing with some major trust issues on both sides.

Don't get me wrong in any way, I know that what I did was far worse and did just as much damage. I am not throwing myself a pity party. I am so done with that!!! I have completely changed who I am, how I feel about myself, and my goals for my family and my marriage.

For the first time in my life I see how amazing my marriage can be. I see how MB is such a blessing to any marriage and what an awesome marriage you can have if you follow Dr. H's guidelines. My H seems to jump on board but then when things start to go good, he jumps back off and wants to hold onto the resentment. His hang up is that he had no clue and it caught him by surprise and he is worried that I am going to surprise him again. That is why he is not giving me his all and says that he never will.

It is just so hard when my H seems like he is on board and then throws me a curve ball like he did last night. It started with him getting mad at me for checking the phone record and calling a number that I did not recognize.

I told him that while I am trying to trust him again that it is hard for me not to snoop a little and that he was more than welcome to snoop on me anytime (I encouraged it).

The irony in everything is that I, the one who has had two A's am the non trusting one, and he has blindly trusted me. Even now he refuses to snoop or check up on me. Instead he has just decided to not give me his all...and this scares me.


I'm not sure exactly what I need or am asking for here. You are my sounding board and have not led me astray so I trust everyone's thoughts and opinions.

What have you done to restore his trust in you?

How long ago was your 2nd PA and his RA?

Sometimes it's better to stay on one thread or at least put key dates/info in the tag line.

This must have hurt a lot, XVY. Sadly, your husband appears to be on a path that an FBH of another poster here has been following for over two years.

Some learned mind could give you possibilities for why he is taking that position toward the possibility of a better tomorrow. In all candor, the "reason" is less important right now than your reaction. It should be.......nothing.

Don't stop what you're doing. Don't engage him in "my offense/your offense" debates. Don't give his "no chance" pronouncements undue thought.

You are learning/following MB practices to make XVY the best XVY she can be. If Mr. XVY wants to enjoy the benefits of your progress and improvements, he will be a lucky man. If not.....

You can only do what you can do. Making a (admittedly difficult) decision for him is NOT in your power. You can sell, you cannot consign.

Keep working the program.

That is how he feels NOW. It will take a long time for that wall to come down, so just keep trying. He is just telling you how he feels NOW and that is the truth. But if you keep it up, his feelings will change after you demonstrate to him over time that you can be trusted. Are you so transparent now that it would be virtually impossible for you to carry on an affair? Are you a wide open book?

It will take about a year and a half for that to stop. It is not going to go away overnight!

Thanks NG! I believe I know who the FBH you are referring to and that is what scares me. The funny thing is, that he still shows me affection and care until I do something that upsets him. Then he turns cold and says these things that really break me down.

I do admit that I am a sucker for the "your offense, my offense" argument and it gets us nowhere every time.

I will keep working the program because I have never been so sure of anything in my life. I will not give up unless he does and then I will pick back up and keep myself going.

Thank you again for your thoughts!!

ML,

I am but he seems non responsive to it. I offer him my phone, I tell him what I am doing at all times. I take my children with me almost everywhere I go or my H and I go together. I do not stay after school unless I have to. My emails are all open to him. My phone is unlocked. He has access to our cell phone account so he can check it at anytime.

His theory however is that I was so secretive the first time and he had no clue that he feels if I really wanted to have another one, I would no matter what.

As long as you are being transparent, it will be fine because you are demonstrating a willingness to have him investigate. It is secrecy that is a red flag. And if he is shrewd, you won't know how he snoops. My H has no idea how or what I check and to this day, does not know how I found out about his affair.

Gonna steal NG's abbreviation here, XVY, and make one single suggestion;

Stop using his RA as a reason for you to NOT do the things that YOU need to do to put the "F" in FWW.

You lead the way, and then it's up to him to follow.

HHH,

That is great advice. I do find myself upset over his lack of concern for my feelings over his RA. I need to take the focus off of this and keep working on me and my own A that started this entire thing.

I can't wait for the day that I FEEL FOREVER comfortable putting the F in my WW title.

Be the example, be the light.

Though the letter I steal this line from is Dr. H writing to a BH about his WW, I will repeat it to you; "Do not judge him."

Having a RA is never the answer, he was wrong. He acted out of fear and anger.

Show him the way to forgiveness through action, and maybe... maybe he will seek the forgiveness you offer.

Fifteen,

Me and my H we both had affairs. Me recovering from his and him from mine are different processes when it comes to the time and feelings. We talk about it differently, we feel about it differently. It has been helpful to acknowledge these feelings to BE and stay different, since I cannot make him feel like I feel and vice versa. In the early stages of recovery, I somehow thought that we feel the same way and this caused a lot of argument and sometimes this "you did it, too" showed up. I was very good in that, btw.

FWIW, my H was and still is very reluctant (it might be a ploy, I don't know) to snoop after me. I am completely transparent though, but it is how it is. I have encouraged him to snoop his [censored] off, but people choose their own way themselves.

Thanks Mrs. Recon
This information really helps and I do find myself saying "you did it too" a lot more than I should. I also think that a lot of my snooping is a result of my own guilt for my actions. I guess I feel guilty snooping on him when he doesn't seem to be snooping on me. I know it sounds silly but is how I feel.

Yesterday a wrote my husband a letter before I left for work. I was not ever sure if he would read it.

Last night when I was putting Laundry away, I found it in is drawer in his memory box where he keeps all of the notes and letters that I have given to him over the years.

This made me cry and filled me with LB's. It was what I needed to keep going last night (hard day).

BABY STEPS ON THE MARATHON OF MY LIFE!!!

Good! You keep right on modeling your side of a good M. Show him what R looks like.

15, my new favorite Dr. Harley newsletter.... a MUST READ !

LINK to Dr H newsletter

When things seem 'complicated' and you are not sure what to do .... return to the basics.

Polity of Joint Agreement
and
Policy of Radical Honesty

Time, plus those policies, will change your life.

Thanks, Pep!

I am bumping my thread up for Lost in Love 2. I see a lot of similarities between the two of us and think she should read my thread.