PS
Continue to quietly monitor her activities until you become bored from always finding nothing remotely suspicious.

Monitoring her will help you build trust.

We're trying to spend as much time together as possible. We have the 2 kids and both of us are in college online at night so we dedicate as much time as we can to being alone with each other.

It actually went pretty good this weekend. We had the in-laws keep the kids Saturday night and we went out. We surprisingly had a great time. We have talked quite a bit about things and are beginning to deal with how to move forward.

But...I'm still having huge issues with the thoughts of them together. We were watching tv or reading something this weekend that was talking about how men can last longer in bed. We were kind of joking around and I made the comment that it's unusual for many men to last more than 30 minutes when she made a somewhat joking comment about it wasn't too unusual. Well you know that triggered my thoughts again. These little things keep coming back to haunt me because every time she makes a comment whether joking or not, I take it to mean that her ex can do all these things. My fear is that she is always thinking about what he can do for her and that she'd rather be with him.

How in the world do I get past thinking about those things???? I feel like that's the biggest hang up right now on us being well on our way to rebuilding our marriage stronger than it has ever been.

outofhowhere, that is not a hang up, that is called recovering from a trauma. What will help you get over this is to make new memories to replace the bad memories. Most marriages do not recover from infidelity. They stay married, but they limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and resentment GROWS year after year. That is because they don't follow Dr Harley' s guideline for UA attention time. This program doesn't work without it. It is especially critical after infidelity because unless that gaping wound is replaced with something healthy and positive, the wound continues to rot.

PLEASE follow Dr Harley's policy of undivided attention. Order his little workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love, [its $11] and tear out the UA worksheet in the back. Make copies. Sit down once a week and plan out the next week with dates, times and activities for your dates. The BULK of your UA time should be spent out on DATES at a time of day where you are most energetic. Dress up and go out. UA time spent at home is not nearly as effective because by the time the child is asleep, you are tired and it is too easy to get distracted.

It is best to do this in 4 - 4 hour blocks spread out through the week. It takes 15 hours per week to maintain romantic love and 20+ hours to create it.

The Policy of Undivided Attention


Taking this step will help you recover the FASTEST.

All of this is less important stuff that can be put off. I would schedule your UA time FIRST and then find time for your kids and college online. Even if you have to back out of a college class for now, it would be worth it.

As usual, I will take all your advice and put it to work.

How will this help me get past the issue that I think about them together sometimes when she and I are trying to be intimate? Is that also a "normal" reaction to this trauma?

You are going to think about it occasionally, that can't be avoided. But the FASTER you create a great marriage, the sooner you will be replacing those bad memories with good ones. And one watch out is to avoid talking about it when you are triggered. Talking about it brings it into the present and makes your time together unpleasant.

I'll try to practice that because up until now when something triggers these thoughts and feelings I have been trying to talk to her about them.

I guess the male curiosity feels like it needs to verify these things....good or bad as that may be. The conversation last night that I spoke about earlier was a HUGE trigger. I tried to discuss it and probably found out what I really didn't want to know but something that my curiosity and insecurity pushed me to find out about. I guess it's normal to feel insecure about that situation during a time like this because no one (male or female) wants to think about someone else possibly pleasing/satisfying their spouse better than they can. Not that it's the truth that the other person did that, but the mind is VERY powerful when it comes to the unknown!

Right now though, I just feel like I'm having such a difficult time thinking she is comparing me to him that it's actually causing me to go backward in regards to repairing the situation.

This is very typical for where you are on your timeline.

Also, be aware, it is not unusual to have an unexpected surge of ANGER somewhere around the 6 month mark.

Keep posting.

We can reassure you that you are not doing/feeling things that will cause serious damage to your recovery.

ASK your wife for help when you trigger.
Tell her ....

"I'm feeling triggered. Hug me until I ask you to let go."

LINK to Harley article about "resentment" .... because sooner or later, this will come up.

PS .... "obsessive thinking" is briefly mentioned in the article.

outofnowhere, has she answered all your questions about the affair? Are you satisfied that you have the full truth? If you do, then stop asking questions. If you are not satisfied, I would strongly suggest you get your answers now so you wont' wonder in the future. If you don't get the full truth now, you will wonder in the future.

And once you have all the facts, stop bringing it up. Bringing it up makes it HARDER for you to get over it.

OON .... Exactly what DAY did you know about the adultery/affair?

She has answered all the questions that I have asked. I'm satisfied that I have the truth about everything that I have thought to ask about. The issues that I'm dealing with now are I guess some of the things that I wonder if I measure up to. I know, that's stupid to even say but it's a very real insecure issue.

It's that "need to know but don't know if I really want to know" battle where you wonder about everything that went on and if she enjoyed being with him more than being with me. These are very childish things I know that, but they are consuming me right now as stupid as they are.

You are definitely right when you say bringing it up makes it harder for me and this weekend proves that beyond a shadow of a doubt. We had an unbelievably good time on a "date" Saturday night. We talked about us both wanting to work things out and how much we loved each other. We sat on the same side of the dinner table like we used to....everything. Then the conversation last night put me right back to the second I found out about the affair. I got upset, depressed and was wondering if I really wanted to continue working on it even though in the back of my mind I knew I did.

I confronted her last Monday the 27th and she confessed then.

The GREAT thing about MB is that MB is very task oriented recovery.
Not so much digging into the past looking for "Why?"!!!

Consider the online program.
Get homework.
Take the steps.
Feel the progress.
Work the process.
Get out of your own head.
LINK to ONLINE program

7 days into this and YOU are doing GREAT !!!!!

I'm doing as good as I am because of all the advice I'm getting on here!

Thanks to everyone for the advice and all the encouragement!

Outofnowhere, I have been EXACTLY where you are at right now. Totally SUCKS!! My wife was the model of a sweet, wonderful person. Never thought she had the capacity to have an A. When I found out about her 7 month EA/PA I was CRUSHED. Thought my whole world was coming down. Like your WW, mine promised one week after DD that all contact had ended and she wanted to work on our marriage.


I wanted SO bad to believe her that I did a poor job of setting boundaries and expectations at the time in fear of losing her forever. See, I had much regret of the past years in which I held responsibility for me creating an environment which allowed her to lose her love.


LISTEN to the folks on this board. They know what they are talking about. EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE deep and wide. It is a must! Don�t believe a word she says.


My WW kept her promise of no-contact for about 1 month. He was emailing her but she wasn�t responding. 6 weeks into what I thought was �recovery� they set up secret email accounts and kept communicating. Looking back, I wish I would have snooped MUCH more and NOT LISTENED TO ANYTHING SHE SAID.


Right now, you want to believe her. You want to save your marriage. Maybe she is being truthful but it is absolutely an addiction. Period. I get it, been there.

But here is the thing, just like everyone else said. Do not believe a word she says. Only believe what she DOES.


I found out in January of this year that the affair never ended. DD was March 2011. From March � December we were working on rebuilding our marriage (check that, I was doing 90% of the work). This should have been a HUGE red flag for me. She knew that if I found out there had been any contact of any form, the marriage would be over.


They continued to have email contact from March � December. IE- False Recovery. FR�s are absolutely the worst. Don�t set yourself up for one!! Trust me.


Our FR was the hardest thing for me to deal with. The continued lying and deceiving, when discovered again, forced me to believe it was over for good. I told her I wanted a divorce in January (I had been meeting her EN�s and she had fallen back in love with me) and that snapped her completely out of her fog. We are following the MB principles to the letter of the law. Honestly, I think this is the only way we can survive this.

Since then, things seem to be going well but I watch her like a hawk. I watch her every move.


Her affair must be treated like an addiction. As difficult as this is for you right now, you CAN recover if you take the right steps. Being na�ve is not one of them. You must stay strong!!!
Remember, there is always hope! Feel free to read my story under �Hope or No Hope?� It is very similar to yours.

20 year history, You wife should have changed her email. Total separation means your wifes boyfriend cannot email her. That is like waving a bag of drugs to a drug addicts face

I am a little scared for your situation right now. The similarities between our two WW�s is why.

Please, please, please do not take your time together talking and discussing your love for face value. We did the exact same thing.

What I learned was that most WW�s in our situation can�t imagine giving up their lover who they think is their soul-mate, and can�t imagine giving up their families either. They are torn. It takes time for the emotions they have built with the OP to die. They play both sides of the fence until their �feelings� tell them what to do. This is very dangerous.

Meeting her EN�s is a GREAT idea right now. You want her to fall back in love with you (if indeed you want to save your marriage).

I was so proud of my WW breaking ties with the OP right out of the gate. I thought we were on the right track. I couldn�t have been more WRONG. She answered my questions, committed to openness and honesty yada yada yada. FOG BABBLE!

I hope she is being 100% open and honest with you. But do I believe it? No. Sorry. Wish I could. Be aware. Be very aware that if it hasn�t already, it may just go deeper underground.

Please listen to everyone on this board and don�t get sucked in by her just yet. She is an adulteress and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can become stronger. Is that hard to accept? Yes. Do you want to just move on right now? Yes. Should you? NO.