I totally agree. Haunts me everyday. I do however have her work email and password which I monitor daily. Problem is, she works for a court system and emails can�t just be changed. And if it would be changed, emails from the prior address would simply be forwarded. We have blocked the OP�s 2 (known) email addresses. Problem is, he could create a different and get though at any time.

I am trying to believe and trust her because she is being very genuine in what she is telling me. But...I still don't fully trust her. I want to so bad I can't stand it but I don't. I haven't been monitoring her email or anything but have been thinking about it. She has been very remorseful in that she has openly wept on MANY occasions about letting herself down by doing this. She has always been true to herself in that she would never do this to herself much less me. I do believe her when she tells me these things but am still wary.

For what it's worth, I told her right up front that if I EVER got wind of this happening again or her talking to him or anything of that nature that we were done with no discussion. She really wants to be with me and work things out but I wanted her to know that I will not/cannot get past anything else that might happen.

I'm trying to follow the advice on here as close as possible but even though I know you guys are gonna pound me for this....I still love her and can't bring myself to disrespect her by invading every aspect of her life with snooping. I want to and if she doesn't ACT like I can believe her (and I know her well enough I can usually tell by the way she acts) I will monitor everything she has. I know that is against much of the advice I have been given, but I honestly believe that my situation is a little different than many in some respects.

Ok, so now you guys can really pound on me for what I said. I'll take it.

Here comes the pound, you can't trust her right now, she has to prove she can be trusted before that happens, I would listen to the advice on this forum if you want to save your marriage.......
You have to set up some devices that reassure you that there isn't anything else going on. Don't let the tears throw you off, of course she is upset she was confronted with an evil act.
It is good you did draw the line and she knows your expectations. Look as far as snooping you must, she didn't respect you did she, you aren't doing this to hurt her, you need to know what is true and what you are up against if you want to save the marriage, think about if you don't check and the affair continues for months, you will lose her for sure then, she will be to far gone to help your marriage, you need to fight for what is yours.......
you don't know how she acts and how she says things anymore, she had an affair. You didn't think she could do that......she isn't who she was anymore
Listen to the vets and I am sorry to say you guys aren't any different then any other affair, you just want to believe that to protect yourself.......don't be a fool the second time.

Oh boy, this is very scary. Lets say your situation is "different" and "special" and "unique." [isn't everybody's?] How would you be qualified to be the judge of that since you are the LEAST objective person on this thread? And have the LEAST practical experience at saving a marriage after an affair?

EXACTLY what are you not monitoring and why?

There is nothing "disrespectful" about snooping since you have right and a responsibility to know everything she does when you are not looking. Snooping on every aspect of her life a) builds your trust and b) enables you to protect your marriage. There is nothing negative about snooping so you have no RATIONAL justification to forgo the greatest resource you have.

So what are you doing exactly and why?

Well, I'm actually not really monitoring anything right now. I have thought about the keylogger but haven't done that yet. The reason being is that I truly do believe that she recognizes what she has done and she has made great strides in expressing that to me verbally and by beginning to fulfill my EN. She has agreed to see a counselor as well as go out on dates, and we have scheduled a weekend trip this weekend.

Please don't think I'm not hearing/listening to what all of you are telling me. I'm just watching what she is doing and how she's behaving and I seriously believe that she is all there in regards to working through this with no contact with the OP.

For pity's sake, OoN,

You won't be able to see "what she is doing and how she's behaving" behind your back. None of us was able to do that; if we had been, we would have been able to see the affair starting in the first place, never mind carrying on for months...

You are setting yourself up for a false recovery. Several of us, including me, have been there. If we had been able to see that our spouse was still in the affair, we would never have been in the FR position. The problem is that you cannot see it unless you look for its happening behind your back. It doesn't happen in front of your face, after all.

We can do no more than advise you - but your course of not snooping is the road to disaster. Your WW was in an addictive affair and she will not stop contact cold turkey.

You are making a serious mistake, my friend. You have no reason not to snoop and about 500 reasons TO snoop. Your recovery needs to be based on reality, not on how you "feel" or what you want to believe.


Well, you are not actually watching, you are just "hoping." This is the kind of dangerous thinking that leads to affairs. When your life has just been hit by a hurricane, you don't rely on HOPE to prevent a repeat, you take steps to make sure you are safe the next time.

You are not different or unique. Hope is not a plan. Hope did not protect you in the past and it won't protect you in the future.

Affair is a drug. persons involved show the same withdrawls as drug addicts.
Do you trust an addict to say they arent using drugs or drinking alcohol any more?
Addicts CANNOT be trusted!
For starters, every word is a lie.

Your thread title, "blind-sided", and your name "outofnowhere", show that what happened to you was exactly what happened to most of us. We knew things were not perfect, but about an affair...we had no idea for the most part.

The post above confirms that you were clueless until nearly D Day, as we all were. If you do not snoop, this will happen again, but it will feel worse. You might think that your general watchfulness will surely pick up on cues. You will think that her sincerity - her being able to seem so happy with you now, her lovemaking with full passion, her statements of gratitude that you stuck with her, her professing deep love for you...cannot be faked. She cannot tell lies calmly to your face, especially not having witnessed your near destruction and ill-health after D Day.

She could not do this, and if she did, you would know.

So you think.

Go and read the False Recovery thread that Pepperband bumped for YOU (yes, for you) from beginning to end. Read it and weep.

I'll be honest here.
Due to illness, I have a very limited amount of energy lately.
You've been at this one week.
I've been in recovery 16 years and posting on this forum 12 of those years.
Here's the truth.
The person whose judgment you ought not trust right now is YOU!

Put spyware on her phone & computer.
Put a VAR in her car.
Watch her like a hawk watches a field mouse.
You learn to trust her when you monitor her and become so bored that you forget to put in batteries.