NG, think about this for a second. Would you be so willing to call this "historical" if your OM were still alive? You have a luxury that 15y's hubby doesn't. Your OM is dead and gone, but his isn't, and he has many chances to run into him , evidenced by today. I think there's a big difference in the thought process when you consider all these factors.

You know that there is no chance of this kind of setback in your life. Again, he doesn't have that luxury, and today brought that to the surface, and he is rightfully enraged and mortally wounded....once more. Wouldn't you be?

I agree though, 15y's BS should get on board here. It would do him a world of good. Not to mention their marriage.

TW, you missed my subtle challenge in my answer.

I gave 15Y (and maybe her FBH) a possible tactic to deal with the situation (besides moving). You didn't like my idea, and I'm very okay with that, as mine is only based on my experiences (although POSOM in our case did manage to live a bit longer than 15Y has been here).

Saying "Your idea is not good", is less than useful if the alternative is "You poor thing...." I'm all for handing 15Y a tissue (or FBH a shot of single malt), but it is best accompanied by some advice.

So, what is your recommendation? (Moving having been already been posited.)

What happened was not just a trigger for the BH it was a trigger for the WW as well.

Something way more important that happened. What happened is that NC was broken three times once for the BH the WW and their child.

There will always be recovery problems as long as NC will be broken. It is evident that activities they do are also done by the OM. Changing their recreational activities for the rest of their lives to avoid OM will only serve to be a reminder of the OM and their changing their lives will serve to further trigger them that the OM is still controlling their lives.

This is not a problem of controlling triggers.

The problem is that they are not able to maintain NC with the OM.

They need to move far away form the OM.

It makes no sense to say the BH must handle contact with the OM when the situation to do whatever is necessary to have NC with the OM.

While moving sounds like a great idea, it is not possible right now. If my husband wants to move, I will be willing to do that in a heartbeat. But no matter what we cannot move tomorrow. My husband is hurting and while moving me be a future solution to the problem, it is not a solution right now. In addition,the gallery we saw him at is not even in our town.

Everyone is picking on NG right now but I honestly think he has a very valid point. My H just came back home this morning and he was more worried about me seeing him and the reaction that I had than anything else. He stated he is giving me tactics to deal with the situation right now and I trust his tactics.

In addition, I am also trying very hard to get my H on here. He stated the other day that he needed someone (other than a counselor) to talk to get get all of his feelings out. I really feel that this forum is the best thing for him but he has to come to that conclusion himself.

TW,

I just read over some of the things that you are saying and I also agree with a lot of your points. My H actually just read over some of the post on here as well (fingers crossed).

I am going to try to find some of Dr. H's words on triggers. If anyone has a link that would be great. If not I am going to fish around the website.

Thank you everyone for your advice. Keep it coming!

Everyone is picking on NG right now but I honestly think he has a very valid point.

Like there was ever any real doubt about that!

H...was more worried about me seeing him and the reaction that I had than anything else. He stated he is giving me tactics to deal with the situation right now...

He should come here, XVA. Let's hope he does.

He would be very welcome!

I didn't miss it, and wasn't necessarily disagreeing with you either. It was simply my opinion that being in such proximity to the OM was inherently dangerous to their recovery efforts. How many hits like that can either of them take before one or the other says enough?

No one was picking on anyone. Everyone stating his/her opinion is what this place is supposed to be about, as long as that opinion follows the MB recovery plan. I'm fully aware that I'm still in the learning process of MB, but you don't have to be 10,000 post count poster to know that any kind of contact with an AP could be fatal to any chance of recovery. I like your tactics for eliminating triggers and they can and will work as long as this contact is eliminated. If not, then nothing will work. So, how is this accomplished without getting as far away from the OM as possible if it's already been established that contact is likely to occur again if they don't?

Okay, this is where I'll gladly show my ignorance because I have NO idea.

First time here, cause two threads is all I seem to be able to monitor these days, but I just skimmed the last two pages and can I ask a question no one else has?

Why was OM at the gallery? Are you all art fans? Its another town right? Is he trying to reignite this? Does that need to be dealt with?

I will say walking out and wanting some time alone was completely understandable as a BS. I would have done the same at a minimum.. If that gives you comfort he is reacting reasonably and normally.

You beat me to it Reynolds.

15yrs, I had the same thing happen when OW showed up at one of my kids school recitals. She had no reason to be there.

It set me WAY back. Red flags were going off in my head all over. I kept asking myself why did OW think it was OK to show up there? I was sure that the affair had picked up again. That was the only way it made sense to me.

Why did The OM in your situation feel that it was OK to be at an art gallery where your daughter was exhibiting her work? Surely OM knew your connection to the exhibit.

Give some serious consideration to moving. You can only control yourself and this OM has no respect for your family and is spitting in your face.

Or you can spend the rest of your life trying to avoid OM and never really recovering.

I was thinking the same thing, is this a particularly odd coincidence?

If the town is near to both you and OM and somewhere where you would both visit regularly, then its a problem.

If however you travelled to visit this town and it is also far from OM - could he have known that you would be there? Is it possible he is keeping tabs and knew of your daughters exhibit?



Its what I would do too.

Love the opportunity to run into her boyfriend somewhere in town (however remote) by chance. Id then be able to bash his face in.

Just saying.

To clear a few things up. The art show yesterday had a number of different schools in the area showing off their artwork. His children are young and they must have had work in the art show as well.

I promise you that he did not follow me there. In fact, if we would not have run out of there in such a hurry I bet we would have run into his wife (something I would not want to do).

MSS - Believe me, I think it took everything my husband had not to run up to him and punch him out. His face was extremely red as we walked out the door.


On another note, TW I was JJ about everyone picking on NG. Sometimes sarcasm is hard to see in writing. I honestly appreciate every last word of advice on here whether is is by a weathered poster or someone new. I think everyone who post has something to add and agree that if it follows MB then it is valid and deserves a read.

In addition, I completely understand why my husband reacted the way he did. I was just worried about him and did not know what I could or should do on my end. I am still looking for the reading on triggers. Can anyone send me a link on this? I could not find it on the site today.

He is coming back home tonight and we saw each other briefly today. I am just trying to comfort him and telling him I will do whatever he wants and whatever it takes to help him through this.

NG, I am trying to get him on here without being pushy. He does always look over my shoulder when I am posting and I always allow him to read my posts when he wants. Today he was on for about a half an hour. Even just reading little bits of info is a lot for him and I think it helps.

TW - you certainly understand that I love the give-and-take on these threads, as long as the exchanges focus on the pertinent issues - and ours did! Spirited discussion can create joint insights where neither party had vision previously.

XVA - 30 minutes reading some of the more thoughtful notes here can give an evenly proportioned view of the thrust of this site, and the principles/practices behind it. Good for your FBH!

15yrs. How are you going to ensure NC for life under these circumstances? Isn't that one of your EP's? As a BS who has been down this street...I was more interested in the NC for life than WS trying to help me deal with the trigger.

What can you do to keep this from happening in the future.

15Y,

What I picked up on, was that the OM was able to attend this show without any feelings of awkwardness or shame, while your BH is still suffering. Did you adequately expose OM or did he get off the hook with no pain?

The punching the guy out would have been a good thing if you are continuing to live close by.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma,
His wife is the one who exposed us to my H. Since this day I have had NC with him at all. My H and his W talked for awhile right afterwards but they no longer talk. As far as I know they are rebuilding their marriage as well but I have stopped allowing him or anything related to him being my business since my A was exposed.

Even seeing him yesterday only made me feel sick and shameful. It did NOT bring back any feelings of the HIGH that I experienced during my affair. Only pain for myself and for my H.

Pokerface,

I did promise NC for life. I will do whatever my H wants me to do to ensure this. Neither of us were thinking about the possibility of he and his family being at the gallery. We were thinking of our daughter and how proud we were that she made it into this show that was very exclusive.

I did not even assume that he would be there otherwise we would not have gone. As for other possible events that we could see each other at, there are little to none but If I even feel that there is a slight possibility, I will not attend.

I thought of why was OM there. Then I came to the conclusion that Why is not important but that the OM WAS there to be important.

As to can't move now.

HorseFertilizer!

You and BH look for new jobs, then put house up for sale. Even in a bad economy good people will proven track record to perform the job, and show they have a history of holding a job long term will have no problem finding new employment.

Exactly. I was just trying to show the anguish and doubt that an accidental meeting of the OW put into my own head. The intense anger was back with a vengeance. 15Y, don't discount the damage that this contact has made on your BH.


This may work in the short term but is not a good long term plan. It keeps the A in the top of your mind as you will always have to look over your shoulder and plan your every move to avoid OM. And despite all your efforts, chances are good that it could happen again.

This is not a good recovery plan.

Was your DD with you? I remember the look on my own DD face when she looked out at the audience and saw OW sitting in the front row. It was a look I cannot even describe. My heart was truly broken for my DD. It was at that point that I took control of my life to make sure that it would never happen again.