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Originally Posted By: BHINWI
Y I guess I went through a "needy" period after my divorce
Keith


Thanks for saying this. I wonder if that's the period I'm in? I need to feel wanted/loved/cared for? Dear Lord get me out of this period quickly!!!


Me (BS): 41
Ex (lying cheating piece of dirt): 43
Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
Married 17 years
I filed: 9/25/10
Divorce final: 10/4/11
He remarried: 10/15/11

My current status: Healing a little more every day!
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Quote:
Thanks for saying this. I wonder if that's the period I'm in? I need to feel wanted/loved/cared for? Dear Lord get me out of this period quickly!!!


Yes, it is probably the period you are in but don't beat yourself up because of it. Many of us that went through divorce felt that "need". It is much better to just concentrate on you and your children at this time and not a relationship.

It can be very difficult (and frightening) to make the adjustment from being married to single but the journey can be very rewarding.

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Hey Eveyrone, Prissana, Marksaysay, Kaysamper,
I do feel at this moment I will never love again, but I do miss companionship and being in a couple. I will eventually start to date again, I refuse to go thru rest of my life alone. My Ex is getting married this year March 2012 to his new girlfriend he met while we were married. Anyway he is one of the SUP (screwed up people)in the world who hurt other people. Good luck to her cause she will need it!


Divorced, newly married again less than 5 years, both of us Christians, 2 small children
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Originally Posted By: SableVenus57
I do miss companionship and being in a couple.


SableVenus, don't mean to hijack, but your signature is confusing me smile.

Quote:
Divorced, newly married again less than 5 years, both of us Christians, 2 small children


Are you married or divorced?

AGG


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Originally Posted By: prissanna
Thanks for saying this. I wonder if that's the period I'm in? I need to feel wanted/loved/cared for? Dear Lord get me out of this period quickly!!!


I think we ALL go through it, and that's why there is the danger of REBOUND. It's like our heart is a dry soil after we go through a terrible breakup/divorce, we feel we are no longer loved/wanted, and the soil gets so dry. Soon as we find someone who is willing to pour water in our heart, even if he/she may not be the right water source, we tend to take it because we are so thirsty.

I truly admire those who can stay strong and say no to water despite his/her heart is dry. But you give me the impression of someone with a better control/strength than me, Prissanna wink Im sure it will take much shorter time for you to come out of your current mental stage. Hey, it's March now...your 'date' is coming up!

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MS I'm not strong girl. If you could have been in my head the last few months you would know that I'm a big basket of crazy!!! I have enjoyed reading your thread because it made me feel more normal.

I just talked to my 'friend' and he's looking forward to our 'date' which makes me apprehensive. It's not really a date because I told him I'm paying for myself. I just don't want to expect too much from it you know?

Last edited by prissanna; 03/05/12 05:29 PM.

Me (BS): 41
Ex (lying cheating piece of dirt): 43
Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
Married 17 years
I filed: 9/25/10
Divorce final: 10/4/11
He remarried: 10/15/11

My current status: Healing a little more every day!
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That's okay, no or little expectation is good at this stage. For me, now I think about it, when I had little expectation, the 'date' turned into a 'relationship' often. Weird. Just go out and have fun! You so deserve it.

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Prissana,
You may offer to pay for yourself, but you must not insist on it.
Usually, I pull out my wallet, and usually, the man says he's got it. I say "Are you sure?" He says yes, and we're done.

It often goes the same way with my girlfriends, but I will argue a bit more with them, and say next time is my treat. People like to treat. It's fun.

And even if it does turn into something more, and he's old-fashioned and won't let you pay ever, you can always cook a fabulous dinner, or magically come up with two tickets to his favorite sports team.


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Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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Right now I'm "under-employed" meaning I'm only working part time and NEED to be working FT. I can't afford eating out, etc. but if a friend or sister wants to treat me, there's other ways I can "take my turn", like fixing them a homemade meal or pie.

MS, I can't get over the change in your thinking, it wasn't that long ago and I was telling YOU to just go have fun (with date) and now you're telling Prissana that. smile


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Oh crap. So I can't be stubborn and pay my way? I don't want to get in a fight but I'd rather him not pay to begin with anyway because it's NOT a date! We are just two friends helping each other through the loneliness I think. I'm not sure what we are really.

I suppose I can say next time is my treat. That would be perfect. I have a bad feeling he's old-fashioned. I don't even know where we are going. It's going to be a short meal because we are going after church and then he has a meeting. He planned it that way so I would be eased into this thing. He's very sweet and considerate. But now I've already started worrying about the next step. It's taken us 2 months to get to this step. lol

Since ya'll are being so helpful, let me ask this. He is dating a lady in another town but they are also free to date other ppl. He told me a few weeks ago she was fixing to go out with someone else. OK, I don't have any romantic interest in him (and hope I don't cause right now I just need a friend of the opposite sex) so would it be OK to talk about his relationship with her if it came up right? He's been open and honest about her from the beginning. He knows about my crush and he knows that I'm a fruitcake (and he still wants to go to lunch think ). Or what should we talk about? I want to get more info on his job so I think that's safe. I would like to know what exactly he does (he's my ex-husband's boss - hahahaha! Ya'll didn't see that one coming did you?) because he stays on the go 24/7. I would have thought he had a cushy job. Work with me here.

Also, any tips on not reading too much into this would be helpful. Actually I don't think I am going to read too much into it but ... ya'll have seen my mind in action.

Last edited by prissanna; 03/06/12 03:21 PM.

Me (BS): 41
Ex (lying cheating piece of dirt): 43
Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
Married 17 years
I filed: 9/25/10
Divorce final: 10/4/11
He remarried: 10/15/11

My current status: Healing a little more every day!
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No, you can't be stubborn. Consider it "being gracious." And my friends and I rarely split the bill. We take turns treating. So, if he insists on treating, it could be because he's a friend and that's what he feels comfortable with.

Ask about work. Ask about hobbies. Do not ask about the lady he is dating in the other town unless he brings her up first.

And most importantly, in the words of my late husband, "Don't over think it." Believe it or not, that phrase helped.

As for the next step... The next step is just that you have lunch. The step after that is IF you both have fun, you MAY do it again. That's it.


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Originally Posted By: prissanna
He is dating a lady in another town but they are also free to date other ppl. He told me a few weeks ago she was fixing to go out with someone else.


Really? Hmm, I think it depends. IF he and the other lady were just dating, then it is no different than us going through multiple dates without any commitment in the early stage (screening stage). But if he told you about this lady in PARTICULAR, it kind of sounds like they were more than just dates if they were more than just casual dates, and were more like boyfriend/girlfriend then what they are doing is having an open relationship.

I dont want to discourage you with my bad example, but remember my friend? He was pursuing me for years, but he had a GF and told me its casual (or worse he said she was a fall-back plan in case I never accept his offer), yet now he told her he wants to marry?? I hope your friend, who is a boss of your XH, is not trying to take advantage of you, knowing that you and XH are divorced.

I am not going to use the term red flag, as I have missed a whole bunch of them when I was married to XH and was in a relationship with XBF, so I feel I have not earned the degree to use this term yet, but still, the fact he is the boss of your XH.., it sounds fishy. Hopefully others with more experience, those with the masters degrees in screening out red flags can give you their insight.

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MS, you may be right. OR it could be that this guy values P, and knows that in order to keep her friendship, let alone developing anything more, he needs to be 110% open and honest.

Plus, I don't think unless people are physically intimate, I don't think a non-exclusive dating relationship is the same as an open relationship. Non-exclusive would suggest that they haven't made any sort of commitment to each other.

Regardless, it's just lunch and it's just friends. If more developes, you can ask around and find out more about him.


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Originally Posted By: Greengables
Plus, I don't think unless people are physically intimate, I don't think a non-exclusive dating relationship is the same as an open relationship. Non-exclusive would suggest that they haven't made any sort of commitment to each other.


True. That's what I was worried about - that he says he and this lady are just dating, but if they are more than just dating... But it's just lunch, and the fact he waited this long to have lunch..., maybe he does have good intention and I am being overly concerned here.

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GG said it all perfectly!


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I'm not worried about this guy at all. He is TRUE BLUE through and through. He's the type you wanna take home to your family and the type you don't mind your kids getting to know (actually my kids know him well - my ex lived with him the first 9 months of our separation). He's not using me at all. To begin with I was afraid I was using him to get over my crush. I'm not a user. I didn't like that feeling so I wanted to make sure hence part of the reason it's taken us so long to get together. We really both want a pal of the opposite sex in our town you know?

His 'friend' lives in another town and neither are willing to move but they have a connection so they haven't broken it off. I've known about her from the beginning. I've told him how crazy I thought he was for wanting to date other ppl. We have a good friendship. He doesn't want to get serious about anyone before he has healed. He knows what a basket case I am. He is known throughout the community as a wonderful person. No worries here.

We were acquaintances before me and DH split. I had always heard wonderful things about him. He is actually my cousin's boss as well and she has nothing but good to say. My ex moved in with him after we split until he moved in with his girlfriend/now wife. B told my cousin that he totally understood why I was divorcing ex and that he wanted to talk to me about the situation but didn't want to cause problems. He said the only reason he had let ex live there so long was so that my kids would have a good place to live when they were with him but he didn't know that he could continue letting him live there even for that reason. Can anyone say psycho ex? lol That's when our real friendship started. He is just a good guy. I don't think I have any real worries though because I'm not physically attracted to him - I know he swoons when he sees me though rotflmao . OK, that was a joke.

Should I start a thread on this? I hate to hijack this one.


Me (BS): 41
Ex (lying cheating piece of dirt): 43
Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
Married 17 years
I filed: 9/25/10
Divorce final: 10/4/11
He remarried: 10/15/11

My current status: Healing a little more every day!
Joined: Nov 2010
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Absolutely, start a thread on this. Also you know to proceed with caution with the friend. Hopefully it will work out.


Me: 44YO FWW: EA IN 2005-2007 EXPOSED MYSELF IN 2006 NC SINCE 2007 WAS MARRIED FOR 18 YEARS
HIM: 47YO EX WH: PA WHILE DATING, CALLING PROSTITUTES WHILE MARRIED, PROBLEMS WITH PORN(CONFESSED ALL THIS IN 2006 WHILE ARGUING)SEX ADDICT
DSX3:13,14, & 15
DDX2: 18 & 11
SEPERATED IN 2007, DIVORCE FINAL 2009. EX WH REMARRIES IN SEPT 2010. I WILL NOT MARRY AGAIN UNLESS THE MAN IS OPEN TO MB CONCEPTS.
LEARNING FROM MY PAST MISTAKES & LOVING MY KIDS
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Okay, I've read the past few postings and I think it's important to get back to MB principles.
Physical attraction? That comes from having your emotional needs met (unless we're talking about Boris Carloff).
Friends with benefits? Open relationships?

Read the letters that Dr. Harley posts on this website and explains on his radio show. It seems like the past few posts are WAY off track of MB principles

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I don't think anyone said anything about friends with benefits.

The open relationships here was referring to dating more than one person at the time while being honest about it with everyone involved. This is so you won't focus on ONE person. Is that wrong?

I really have no desire to date but I'm willing to go out with a friend for the companionship.


Me (BS): 41
Ex (lying cheating piece of dirt): 43
Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
Married 17 years
I filed: 9/25/10
Divorce final: 10/4/11
He remarried: 10/15/11

My current status: Healing a little more every day!
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,685
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I agree with Prissanna. She is divorced, clean, so is free to date anyone she likes. What I was more worried about was the guy might be taking advantage of her, but now she made it clear that it would not be the case. Also the fact he and Prissanna waited for this long to just have lunch, and the fact she is willing to pay for her lunch (even though I agree with GG, if he insists, it is okay to let him pay instead of fighting about it;), I do not think we are worried about friends with benefits here... unless HDW, you think he might be thinking about this about Prissanna? So she will find out more about him soon!

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