The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

She said she needs time to work on herself.

There are some important questions that we need answered before we can help you.

How old are you? How old is your WS(wayward spouse)?

Do you have any children? How old are they?

How long have you been married? Is this the first marriage for both of you?

How did your WS meet their AP?

How long did the A last?

How did you find out about the A?

Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? Have you read it?

This is a very crimson .... WW is waving the in front of you and should NOT be trusted at all.

Right away, secretly put a GPS on her vehicle.
Put a VAR in her vehicle.
Put spyware on her computer & phone.
Do a financial forensic search.

Do NOT tell WW about this site.
It's way too premature to trust WW with this site.
This site/forum is for YOUR eyes only right now.

I also want to the emotional pain to stop, any pointers on how to get rid of that sickening feeling in your gut. Thanks for dropping in.

She deleted her facebook,

I'm 27 she is 24. We have two kids ages 6 and 3. She met the guy at work( they worked together). I made her change her phone and give me all passwords to any online accounts she has. She deleted her facebook, though I regularly check it, and I am constantly monitoring her phone record (which she just changed yesterday). Initially she wanted a divorce. The last year has been a really rough one, in which we had to spend 7 months living with my parents. We finally have our own place now. I have control of all capital in the home, and monitor the account like a hawk. She has also swore to stay at home full time to take care of our 3 year old son. I don't trust her, but I also know that I'm better than her, and if I so choose could find a new partner without much effort(not to toot my own horn). I am a college educated professional (a science teacher), while she only has her GED, and is completely (now that she quit her job) dependent upon me financially. I know that I could and probably should just walk away from this mess and find an honest woman to make me happy again, but she truly does have my heart, and I really do want to at least try to work it out, and maybe come back a stronger couple than when we started. I'm a hopeless romantic and I do tend to go a bit overboard. Her exact words were that I was being a bit over the top and that sometimes she felt smothered by that. I'm going to pull back for a while and try to work on myself. If she does it again she is out for good, and I'll raise our children by myself. I just really want things to work between us without becoming blind to any lies she might still be covering up. I also want to the emotional pain to stop, any pointers on how to get rid of that sickening feeling in your gut. Thanks for dropping in.