Please help! I wrote here before about my husband leaving to move away because he was unhappy where we were living. It took lots of effort but I startd MB and things improvd, I even accepted the move and am planning on moving with him. He's been gone for one month now, I came to visit and I find out accidentally that he's been cheating. I found references on a facebook conversation where said "save some of that for me the next time I'm in town" referring to oral sex. Then I did some limited snooping and found explicit videochat sex with several women from various times 3-6 months ago. I haven't said anything yet because I want to do this correctly. I don't want my marriage to end. It's so hurtful that I'm taking such hug steps to be with him and he is cheating and planning to cheat more. Please help, I am so devastated and I want to save this marriage. I also need help finding out more info bcause I've never snooped before.

I remember your story, Hopeful. I'm sorry to read that your H has gone wayward. I suggest you ask the mods to move this thread to the Surviving an Affair forum.

Who are these women? Do they work with him?

I looked over the conversations and the women are not from work. They seem to be unknown "internet" people, each of whom he has had 1-2 encounters with. Not usually the same person over and over. Anyway, I broke down and confronted him last night. He says there are no "in person" affairs and he was "just joking" about the reference to oral sex that I mentioned in my original post. I now feel a lot better except I don't know if I can believe him. I did do a pretty thorough search. After confronting him he then let me look through his phone and facebook accounts and I didnt find anything else. Anyway, I don't know how to proceed from here. How do I establish trust again? Especially when I will be leaving all established support systems to go live with him in Texas when my work contract is up here. It was hard enough for me to resolve to go for it and find what I like about the place we are going. Now this and our relationship is even weaker. What if it escalates or he does it again? I have so many worries now over this.

Not to be an alarmist, Hoping, but you SHOULD have concerns over this! This behavior is not likely to stop just because your H has had his hand slapped. I know - been there, done that. My H's escalated from computer talk to having a PA.

First rule: ALL WAYWARDS LIE. He was "just joking?" Hmmmm.

Even if he has not had contact with these women he has violated your marriage by getting his needs met outside of your relationship - clearly EA's.

You need to put extraordinary precautions in place with him. It is extremely harmful in your marriage to be in 2 different states right now.

What is your husband willing to do in order to save your marriage? Anything short of a recovery plan - and all it implies - is a huge red flag.

Hoping, "just joking" is wayward speak. i know - i've heard it too. rest assured they are not in any way joking. they just want you to believe their lie. you need to get a keyloggger asap so you know the truth. hav you been to the investigation thread?

I encourage you to read the books His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving an Affair.

If you feel unsafe, your husband should be willing to have a polygraph done to verify he did not have any sex with these women.

You need to go to FACEBOOK and GET THESE WOMENS NAMES NOW, BEFORE HE DELETES EVERYTHING.

I have read HNHN but not surviving an affair, so I will get that. I did get the woman's name. I will also go to the section that Letty recommended. Where do I find a "recovery plan?" That's one thing I don't know anything about.

I am concerned because I don't think I'll be able to move down to be with him for another 6 months. I know I should be with him right now but he left without me consenting and I reluctantly agreed to go with and try to make things better between us because he was unhappy where we lived before. Now I have a work obligation until August and it would be difficult to break that. Instead I have planned to come once monthly for a week. He would rather I come move now.

I will only be able to do limited investigations now because my husband is living with roommates and shares a computer with them. I could try to put a key logger on there the next time I visit (3 weeks from now). Where would I find a way to have him take a lie detector test?

Ahh he may have a cell phone hidden and do his dating from there. I would heck for expenses on his checking account for more cell phones. My Ex hubby had 4 cell phones all with locks on them. He had this plus his private computer online ladies. I am sad you are going thru this but maybe you can get him to stop. Does he tell you why he is doing this; is this his new hobby? Tell him to stop and it is hurtful to your marriage.

Could someone please help me with a recovery plan idea? I have no idea how to even approach this with him.
My husband hasn't even cracked open the copy of HNHN that I bought for him, even after I've read the whole thing plus Love busters. He's just not interested. He says he loves me and wants to be married to me so I think he may be open to a recovery plan but I don't have know where to start.

Nothing can happen until you live in the same house.

At this point the man is very wayward. I say write him a plan B love letter and then go into Plan B.

He not only just abandoned you ... he also has multiple affairs. He will need to do a 360 degree shift in his behavior to even be marriage material.

Plan B is your only hope for saving your marriage. Cut him out of your life until he comes back to you repentant. He will need to do the heavy lifting ... you will destroy your health if you do it; possibly have a nervous breakdown.

Hoping, HNHN is part of the recovery plan so if your husband is not willing to read it, I don't know how he would be vested in the plan.

The recovery plan is the complete marriage builders way of rebuilding your marriage after infidelity. My H and I did "marriage builders at home" while others do the online deal complete with personal coaching. Having been through other programs as well as outside counseling, I can tell you - Marriage Builders is the only recovery plan that truly has what it takes to restore feelings and make your marriage better than ever. And that's the only thing that can make it possible to deal with infidelity and heal as a couple!

The plan looks something like this: H has to agree to no contact for life with OW. He also has to agree to be completely transparent and put in extraordinary precautions to make you feel safe in the relationship. He has to answer any and all questions about his activities openly and honestly - even taking a polygraph if need be to prove he is being truthful.

From there, you learn how to avoid lovebusters with each other and how to meet each other's needs...all while spending close to 20 hours a week of undivided attention time with each other - which is the only way to restore romantic love. There are books and questionnaires involved in this: HNHN and Lovebusters - and a workbook.

There truly is no way for the two of you to begin rebuilding your marriage while living apart and him not willing to even read a book! The best you can hope for here is that when you are ready to move that you are both willing to commit yourselves to making your marriage the priority in your life.

I know that sounds harsh - but when you are talking about infidelity, there is a very narrow road to marital recovery. You aren't talking about being separated a few weeks here but months.

If you haven't read Surviving an Affair you should do so right away.

The first thing you should do is read up on exposure. Exposure will help you out a lot no matter what happens, but I will explain why a bit further down.


Which would you rather have? The job or the marriage? I dont say that telling you what to do, many BSs decide not to forgive an affair, and if the job is more important to you, you should choose that.

Obviously waiting six months to recover is not realistic and it cannot be done long distance. If you want to recover you have to go all in.

But before recovery can even be attempted, he has to agree to the following conditions:

Tell him:

----------------------------------------------------------------

I want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and I will NOT stay in a secretive marriage. I am willing to give you an opportunity to earn my forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take:

1. End all contact with OW for life - send them a letter that we write together and is mailed by me

2. No more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. Complete transparency - cell phone passwords,finances etc

4. No more opposite sex friendships

5. Complete honesty about your affair<s> passing a polygraph

6. Commit to a program for marital recovery of my choosing.

This is what it will take to keep me in this marriage. You will have to have willingness and ability to make radical changes in your life if we are going to be married. Your lifestyle must become an open book, holding nothing back, these precautions are to prevent more affairs. I love you and have no doubt that you are capable of more honourable behaviour and meeting these requirements.

--------------------------------------------------------------


A repentant spouse will agree to all the above in a heartbeat, if he is not willing to make all the changes listed, you are at risk of an FR. As part of your exposure, you should be asking people to use their influence with him to get him to agree to work on the marriage and undo his wrongs to you.

Plan A for women only lasts, 2-3 weeks and if you are planning to Plan B him, it is prob best to keep hold of your job for now. Plan Bing him from a distance will help keep your plan dark.

In your shoes, I would tell my boss about the A and ask for some vacation time. (You should be doing a full exposure and telling EVERBODY anyway)

Go down to see him looking amazing and fulfill his top needs for a few weeks. (Use a condom if SF is a need you want to fulfill - but I think its better to say you are willing to have SF after the polygraph has proved his 'not physical' claims - say this while wearing lingerie)

All the while you are topping up his lovebank, say that this paradise can last forever if he chooses your plan. Say that without the plan, however, you will have to leave.

As for the whole 'where will we live' issue, tell him you will never make him live anywhere he is unhappy and you are willing to negotiate with him to find a place you both love.

Tell him if he wants to sell his new home to you, he should show you the town. Use these tours as dates to Plan A him.

By the end of the few weeks you will either have a fully on board husband or you will be moving back home to do your Plan B.

Are any of these women married or have boyfriends?

I've just read your old thread, Hope.

Making him move to your hometown against his will was a major POJA mistake, (which I know you now realise) But a few weeks of Plan A should make it clear to him that you will not do that again.

If he is not on board after that, you should Plan B him.

Why on earth would he move away from you, and in with roommates?
This is not the behavior of a married man.
And why would you agree with it?

I think you need to do more investigating. He moved there for a reason.

While it's possible that he may have just been putting his foot down over POJA, Lexxy makes an excellent point.

He has poor boundaries around women and men rarely leave a warm bed for a cold one.

Can you get a PI on to it, before you go down there?

Can you ask the mods to merge this thread with your old one, Hope?

Posters will find it confusing to advise you without knowing the back story.

Click notify and give the mods the name of your other thread. Ask them to merge it.

If you can see this woman's FB friends, copy their names into a word document.

Do this before he can warn her you know about her and she blocks you. You will need to know who her friends and family members are for exposure.

Are the others on FB too?

Thank you so very much, this is helpful and gives me an outline for a plan of action to take.
This gets a little dicey though because my situation is a bit different -- I haven't found any evidence that there is any ongoing affair with any one person and everything seems to be online. He has poor boundaries, yes, but the person who he said "save some of that for me next time I'm in town" lives in another country (his home country) which we visit only once every two years. For this reason I don't think anything has happened between them and I believe him when he says that he didn't mean it literally. Is this naive of me? His phone tells me that he doesn't seem to have any inappropriate phone contact at all and he let me see it immediately upon confronting him.
The women he had videochat sex with were on yahoo chat and I only found a few encounters for each one that all then ended 4-5 months ago. I don't know any of them and they are not local.
I don't believe he moved for an affair. His dad lives in Texas where he moved to and is one of his roommates. He had a major problem with the weather in my hometown and felt isolated there, those are the main reasons he gives for moving. Our relationship has also been a bit rocky and I need to step up meeting his need for SF, because he has a very high and kinky need, I mean almost every day. This may be why he turned to the video chat sex during a period when he was unemployed.
Anyway, I'm not excusing anything, I really do want to make a plan A with him. This is very scattered, I know.
Another concern is that I don't know if exposing him is necessary when he does not want to leave me and the more serious of his offenses (the video chat sex) has seemed to end and there is no evidence of a PA or even an ongoing EA, just major boundary issues that could turn into something else. My main concern is to prevent anything in the future, which your suggestions will help greatly. I will ask them to merge this thread with my thread about the POJA violations regarding where to live.