First of all thanks for this site and I appreciate any advice I can feed off of.

Story:

We're a young couple that married young and had been for 4 years with one beautiful daughter who is 10mo now. I'm 26 and she is 22. My marriage has been a roller-coaster with this woman. Recently she has left and I'm not sure what to do now.

After our kid, things started to change with our marriage. I admit I neglected my wife at times because of my daughter. Didnt show her the affection she wanted and we argued a lot. I quit my job and just stayed home because I didnt want my kid in daycare. My wife worked and went to school.

A couple weeks ago my wife and I got into an argument, mostly why she always makes excuses so she can have some social time with her friends. We have a kid at home and she's not being the mother figure I expected. Anyways I told her if she loves her friends so much that she should go live with them. So she started packing her stuff but I came back to apologize for telling her to leave and that I wanted her to stay for our kid. But when I came back home for lunch, her and her friend (who is the cause of why we argue so much) were in the house putting her stuff in bags and boxes and leaving. I apologized again and said why is she leaving us for her? She said she had to do it because living with me was going nowhere.

Leading up to this point, I have a lot of trust issues with her. She slept with another man a couple months after birth, I still get sick to my stomach when I think of how low she must be to do this after birth. She has her own bank account, she doesnt share her money unless its for bills. She shows lack of interest in the kid when she's had a long day at school or work. She just is not being the motherly figure she is supposed to be for her child. I suggested that maybe she had postpartum depression but she says its just stress.

All that aside, she lives with her friend at the moment. The kid is constantly travelling between homes. We still see each other and kiss and what not. But she says she wont come back anytime soon. So I want to know how I can mend this relationship. She just wants to separate. I also need to know how to protect myself in case she takes a step further and tries to take my kid away from me. Anybody knowing laws pertaining spouse leaving or abandonment?

I dont want a divorce. She doesnt want to divorce yet. She wants to separate. I dont want to separate. I want us all under one roof. I want to show her I can be the man she fell in love with but I would like her to be the mother my child needs.

You need to read SAA (Surviving an Affair).

Who is the man she slept with? Who knows that she did this? Has this been exposed to anyone?

She wants to separate so she can continue with other men (or one man, I don't know, that's for you to go digging and find out).

It sounds like you two fell out of love after the baby was born (this is VERY typical as most couples throw UA time (you + her time ONLY) out the door).

More details about this affair after the birth - how often? When? Where? Who? How much do you know from digging or are you believing what she says? She is almost certainly lying.

I am very familar with postnatal depression, I had it for a year. She does not sound like a woman with PND, she sounds like a woman who is living an independent life outside her marriage because she wants to.

Did you quit your job to stay home against her wishes? You should understand the concept of POJA is critical. Of course her adultery is the most pressing issue but I wonder if this has contributed to her falling out of love.

You are correct that her moving out and separating will lead to disaster.

Welcome to MB Bow_tie, sorry you are in this place. However its the best place to be when in a situation like yours.

I, like you, married young (see my sig) and like you had a few struggles along the way (actually TONS til my wife and I put MB into place this past year as a TEAM effort). You claim that this "friend" is one of the major reasons you and your wife fight?



Could you please elaborate on that a bit?

Also you mentioned that your wife had an affair?


Part of the reason you are going through this is that the conditions that created that affair have most likely never been eliminated. I believe that you wife may still be in the "fog" of her affair and has feelings for this other man still.

Do you know who the POSOM (piece of #$%& other man) was?

Was it ever exposed? If so. To whom?

What steps have you taken to make sure that this affair could not happen again?

Have you read the basic concepts here? Its a great place to start .. there is also some questionairs you can use in the future to figure out what your emotional needs are and how they rank to you.

Do you have any of Dr. Harleys books? If not I would get Surviving an affair, His Needs Her Needs for parents, Love Busters, and Buyers Renters and Freeloaders. Those 4 books are sooo full of Great insight and information which will give you a clearer understanding of what MB is all about.

But first things first ... I think you need to verify that there is no affair since your wife has already done that to you .. NEVER trust a wayward ... always verify. If she says the sky is Blue .. you better look up and see just to make sure.

Read as much of this site as you can absorb... get the books .. and come back for support and questions. Check the operation investigate forum for some tools to snoop on your wife while you be the best hubby you can be.

MNG

BT, you got some excellent advice from the others. The only thing I would add is that you need to file for divorce or legal separation. Even though you don't want a divorce, you have an obligation to protect your baby and ensure your financial support. Your wife has emotionally checked out of the marriage and is in a fog. That does not bode well for your baby. She is likely very irresponsible in her lifestyle and will expose your baby to dangerous situations.

I would file for D and make it so that she has to visit your baby in your home with you. Your wife is reckless and irresponsible so it will be up to you to protect your baby. I would also strongly suggest you get a job. You are probably going to have to support yourself.

Does she have a drinking problem?

Quoted For truth!

Agreed, fortunately for our OP he is the primary caretaker and will almost certainly be given primary custody of the child (not sure if you are aware of that OP in case you had any fears of doing it because you are male).

Her friend is the cause of why she spends all her time off school or work to hangout for social time. She feels without her friends, she's just a bird in a cage. I get irritated because she should be spending time with our daughter so thats why we argue. She comes home, she doesnt cook or clean. Just goes straight to shower or homework, has a little time with the kid if she's not already asleep and then off to bed.

Her cheating on me was a one night stand thing. It was with her co-worker. Apparently they were having a get together and she got drunk and she allow her co-worker to take advantage of her. When she admitted it, she was extremely disgusted with herself and apologized saying it was a mistake and it will never happen again.

The wife is a not a big drinker so she doesnt know her limit. After a few drinks she passes out or gets extremely annoying wasted.

I do have a job I picked up about 2 months ago. Its an overnight job so that I could cater myself around her schedule. So she goes to school/work in the mornings and I work at night. Therefore we would have double income coming in and one parent is always with the kid. Now that she's gone I told her, there was no reason for me to work overnights anymore and that I was gonna go find a day job. She threw a fit on how she was gonna be able to go to school and work if I actually found a day job. I told her that it was up to her (possibly daycare) and that since she is not here to help me anymore I will stop catering my schedule to hers.

The thing is I want to wait just a little longer to see if she comes back. I dont want to deal with a divorce or lawyers yet. And if that day comes, I want to build a strong enough case for myself that she wont get custody. She can tell the world how bad I am or how I don't love her but in the end I would like the judge to rule in my favor to show everyone how unfit this woman was for a mother. I don't mean it as revenge but I felt she left for a stupid argument that I apologized for. She literally took everything she every bought including cooking ware and food in the fridge...sad.

Right now, the situation with the kid is almost the same except we live in different homes. So I hate the fact that the kid must travel back and forth and worried incase of car accidents or anything like that. I've been asking her nicely to come home but she keeps telling me to wait and see if fate brings us back together. She lives in a fairy tale world, thinking I'm supposed to be prince charming and life is supposed to be successful and prosperous. I have come to my senses after college that this is far from reality. Not that I'm not working on building a great life but its not as easy as she thinks its going to be.

You have both fallen into the trap of not spending any time alone together. How are you supposed to stay in love when you don't do anything to continue romantic love? As a parent of a babe not much older than yours, this was a tough pill to swallow but it's absolutely true. This does NOT excuse her behaviour but it will be something that needs to be changed if you want to turn this around.



You will need to expose this to her supervisor, this man's wife/girlfriend, and she must leave her job if he does not. You will not recover if she is still working with an affair partner. You also need to realize that she is probably lying about the ONS. This was not sexual assault it was a choice.



She wants you out of the house so she can do whatever she wants. You might also want to consider that men might be coming over when you're not home, or she's calling someone to watch the kid and going out overnight.



If you let her do whatever the hell she wants then you WILL be facing for divorce. You are being a punching bag. Women separate from men because they want to be with other men. You NEED to read SAA Surviving an Affair and start digging and expose this.

It sounds like your wife wants to party and not be a responsible parent.
If she is getting drunk and partying with friends I would recommend you contact an attorney about getting custody.
A 10 month old infant needs a secure home.

She's not talking with any men. Its just her girlfriends. I check the cell phone bill online weekly. I believe that she's learned her lesson but its not something I'll forget. She's a very loving person but she can be a complete B too. Her friends support her in leaving because they think I'm an [censored] but they don't know the whole story as to why I have trust issues with her. The day after she left, she wouldn't pick up calls or texts and felt like I was nothing to her. That's how fast her friends can influence her.

Already talked to a lawyer but he didnt say what I wanted to hear. Basically, split up assets, have financial responsibility and joint custody. Thats not what I want. Basically I want sole custody with her getting visitation.

Have you read Surviving an Affair?
Here is a MB link about unfaithful wives: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5033a_qa.html