Hi Everybody,<P>For those who haven't followed - a little background.<P>H filed for divorce and has had numerous laydies and one longtime OW (possibly two) in the last 3 year period.<P>I have been struggling with his Whack-A-Doodling (can't explain - see whack-a-doodling threads) and what type of behavior I need to have towards him in the present and future. <P>He has said that in 10, 20, or 30 years he wants to grow old with me... It is the concensus that he means it. He will more than likely want to keep some hold on me, while he keeps "doing his thing"<P>-----------------<P>I have come to a conclusion finally.....at least for the moment - cuz we all know how life can throw stuff at us without warning!!!!<P>I have spent a great deal of time and thought with looking at this from all angles and have expelled a lot of energy into this.<P>What I have discoved is that all I am really accomplishing is making myself nuts!!!! I have pros and cons for cutting him off, being a friend and just plain loving and waiting for a relationship to come back.<P>It finally dawned on me that I can picture all the scenarios I want ....but that is what they ultimately are - just scenarios!!<BR>I don't know how he will behave and to plan countermoves or build a wall around myself in anticipation of possibles is not for me. <P>I do not feel used when he contacts me....actually I am glad when he does so!! It gives me confusion at times, that is true - but not pain. There would be more pain for me if I cut him off. Of this I am possitive!!<P>So, for right now - I am just going to go with the natural flow and take things as they come. If I feel myself being hurt or damaged in any way - then I will do something about it. But that is truly not happening from his behavior...<P>I have realized that I am being my own worst enemy right now!! By giving all my thoughts and energy into this whole "what to do and how to do it" questioning that I have wrapped myself up in.<BR>I am not focusing on my day-to-day life and my brain is once again becoming too one dimensional. I have to stop that cuz that will cause damage. I have to get back to JUST LIVING and whatever comes my way - I'll handle then.....<P>To SHA, FHL and the others who care so much and want me to look out for me - I am sorry to disappoint you!! Don't think less of me for this. I truly hear all you say and I know that when the time comes that I am being negatively effected, (hurt, used, or holding back on living the way I want) I will take the steps necessary to end that negativity.<P>Thank you all for the advice and for making me think!!!! I have tentative plans in mind should something arise which would call for them.....I'm just not going to push them. Let it happen if it is going to.<P>OK - now comes the part where you can blast me if you want!!!<P>GO ahead.....but remember - as SHA has said :<P>Warrior Princess!!!! LOL!!!!<P>And don't forget that I have been "smudged" (see Lostva's Sad Day Thread!) so my energy is all nice and clean now!!!! LOL!!!<P>LOVE and HUGS,<P>Sheba<BR>

Hi Sheba (Smudge Queen-Warrior Princess)<P>WOW!!! Godd for you. I too, want to get to this point. Oh, all the thinks you can think.<BR>This is the best possible place for you to be. To just let your life unfold as God intends.<BR>You are a wonderful woman, full of insight and love. Your strength and committment amaze me.<BR>I am so oo happy that you are at this place. Only good things will happen to you, I know they will.<BR>Hey, if all it takes to get to this point, is some sage enhaleing, I'm on my way to the sage store-LOL<P>Cheryl

A person gota do what a person gota do. One thing I have learned (hopefully I learned more then one thing) is that there is no right or wrong answers, you have to do what you feel is right for you. As long as it is not bring you down then go for it. We all have heard the comments if I were you I would...... Well even though we have more or less gone through the same things, we are all different and react in different ways. So what one person would do the other wouldn't. What I am trying to say is don't let any one put you down. It is your decision and you feel it is the right one for you, then more power to you. <BR>But do look at the book I suggested, it well help you get on with your life and it has really intersting concepts that I find helpful in day to day living. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Got time for just one reply before I hit the sack (and hopefully sleep) and you get it, you lucky woman!!! <P>Sorry, if you got this before I finished I was practicing my smiley faces!!<P>Follow your heart, Sheba. It won't let you down. You'll know what you need to do when you need to do it. <P>I don't think you're nuts. I don't think you're crazy - I just think you're Sheba and that's a great person to be.<P>And, with all that wonderful new energy, you can't go wrong!!!!<P>Lot o hugs<P>Lori<P>[This message has been edited by lostva (edited November 01, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by lostva (edited November 01, 1999).]

Thank you gals!!<P>I feel light again!!! I was weighing myself down and I need a break from "thinking" on all of it!!!<P>I wonder if there really is something to this "smudging" business....I sure am energized and happily so!!! I am still sick and I feel energy!!! Strange!!!<P>Anyway, I'll just do my thing and whatever comes up with H - well, I'll just take it for what it's worth.<P>CeeCee - did you go back to Lostva's thread and read my second post? I said that the smoke isn't inhaled....and I told of another helpful "tool" that I am supposed to get....hope it works!! With this H will either start being truthful or won't be able to step through the door!!! Either way - my problems would start getting solved!!!! LOL!!<P>SDS - Yes, we all have to look at our own situations and do what we feel in our hearts with some brainpower mixed in! I know that I am holding myself in this train of thought and now I have to stop that.....There's other things I want to do and it was keeping me focused on what H may or may not do - and that is not for me to be worrying about.<P>As far as the book - I printed out that thread so that when I need to take a stance on things...I would have it!! So I have the name of the book.<P>Right now though, I have had my fill of relationship books....I have not even read the paper thoroughly because all I did was read about marriage stuff!! <P>I am now starting the Left Behind series that Chris talked about......might even go light with something like Patricia Cornwell, King, or Patterson!!! Time for Sheba to play a little!!<P>Lostva - Thanks for throwing my own words at me!!! LOL!! It's true - you have to follow your heart....<P>I think it's more of a "It's out of my hands" type thinking at the moment. I am prepared with plans if I start feeling any damage and that comforts my immediate anxiousness. That's good enough to get me past this roadblock I put up for myself.<P>Thanks to all.....I am hoping that I can manage to only use my MB time as the time I spend thinking on H....sort of retraining my thought patterns.<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Sheba,<P>I'm not one of the girls, but I admire you approach. You've never steered me wrong in any advice you've given me. <P>Take your own advice to yourself and be comfortable with it... it's coming from a good source.<P>Jim

Sheba,<BR>Even if I thought half as much of you, it would be a tremendous amount.<P>I think you are amazing. As long as you are emotionally healthy I am in your cheering section. Haven't I repeated said you have right to choose whatever you would like?<P>Actually, you are acting on your own desires. I didn't hear a word of what is better or worse for you H in post, so that's all I'm looking for.<P>You are accountable for your own life. If you understand that, then more power to you!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Sheba , It not a relationship book. It is a you book. It is a daily book I knowyou are saying wwwhhhaaattttt!!!!You read it daily. Short maybe i page max. An example This was Oct. 30. "Self-Value We have a real life of our own. Yes we do. That empty feeping, that sense tha everyone except us has alife--an improtant life, a valuable life, a better life--is a remnant from the past. It is also a self-defeating belief that is inaccurate. We are real. So is our life. Jump into it, and we'll see.<P>Today I will live my life and treasure it as mine." <P>I jsut think it reinforces the process of making our selves better. I read it before I go to bed at night. Like I said it isn't a book to read all at once just daily, or im mind case nightly. Just thought you would like it.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Twin,<BR>with very few exceptions ( and with very good reasons ) you always sound quite sane.<BR>This conclusion is one more proof of that.<BR>I know that my situation was different, but I followed something similar. The planning and thinking about how I would answer to each particular scenario that was popping into my head was getting me crazy. ANd I honestly didn't need that on top of everything else. So I decided to go with the flow and things got at least less complicated. I also started having more time to be me, and to feel good. He actually noticed it too, and we talked about it recently.<P>Twin, I'm in the cheerleeding section too You go girl!<P>Take care<BR>Kat<P><P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Sheba--<P>Sounds to me you've chosen not to dwell on the POSSIBLE actions of H....but to be guided by your own life, and choices. Should you backpeddle occasionally, don't sweat it (just get smudged again!). <P>Hang in there! You're one of the most positive rays of sunshine on this board. <P>Laura

sheba: you are one truly amazing woman. you probably did not know that you are as strong as you think, but in adversity comes strength. crazy, yes you are, but we are all a little nuts? lol, <BR>i dont mean to get religious on you, but I have found an awful lot of comfort in my readings and the Bible and of course prayer. God does not want any of us to suffer, but because we want to control our own destiny, we ultimately make mistakes,. You are in a race, we all are, but in a race, only one person wins, run in such a way sheba, that you win. you deserve it. dont get complacent in waiting for things to happen girl, go out and make them happen for you! re read some of the advice you have given me and take it. ill be praying for you, and may God Bless You. and your family,<BR>jerry-

Sheba,<BR>We each have to decide our own jouney. If you are happy with what your h offers you right now, then that is good for you. I know that you want more, but he may not ever give that. It sounds like right now you are not going to be looking for the "more". Hang in there. If you keep building yourself through all of this, you will become a better person in the end. No matter what. Just remember, you cannot determine the path your h will take, good or bad. I really hope things turn out well for you!

I'm sorry that I took so long to get back here.....<P>I swear, sometimes I catch myself unconscienciously touching my head, like it fell off or something...I can't remember anything short term!!<P>Hope the counselor can help me with this cuz it's really bugging me!!!<P>Anyway, Thanks for your replies and your patience with my acknowledgement!!<P>Just one note before I get on to individuals....<P>SHA - Please don't be disappointed in me!!! I think that this is right for me at the moment and I feel that my mindset is such that I have taken those scissors of his and put them on a high shelf that he can't reach!!! Yeah, he might use a chair eventually and start running with them again....then I will have to take some bolder action.<P>He really isn't hurting me with this craziness....not my self-esteem or way of life and stuff!! Just makes me sad and mostly for him!! I will be OK no matter what the eventual outcome...don't forget that I have all of you!!!<P>NSR - Thanks for your kind words and encouragement...I am glad that you are not one of the girls!!! LOL!! We need you men around to help with the male perspective....just like I hope we help with a female perspective!!!<BR>I am glad if anything that I have said can help someone...somehow that makes my healing go along faster and easier.<P>FHL - WHEW!!! I was hoping that you wouldn't be disappointed with me...your opinion means a lot to me - you know that..... I truly am doing what is right for me at this time!! That could change as events unfold and then I go with changing what I have to. I just had to "unbog" my mind.<P>SDS - Thanks about the book reminder that it is a daily inspiration type thing....I had forgotten - I'm sorry!<BR>I have one that I read every morning - perhaps I will get this one to start off the new year!! You are absolutely right when you say that they lift you with your every day life....I know that it helps me and that is why I think it is something that I want to continue.<P>Kat - Thanks for the support!! It means a lot! I really couldn't think on all these scenarios.....definitely creating more distraction from the everyday part of life.<P>Lucks - Thanks for the kind words and I will definitely get "smudged" again if I start losing too much energy!! I wonder how much that played a part...Hmmm?<P>Toolbox - Thanks for the kind words, reminder of God's role and the boost to do for my own life....I need those!!<P>Derby - I'm glad that you aren't disappointed also! I look at it that H isn't offering me anything right now and he might not ever again. That is his choice!!! We don't really have a relationship...not one that can really be defined anyway. Just another thing left in limbo or waffle country by him.<BR>I am still in reality and will therefore act like it!!! I have no expectations and therefore will not set myself up to be used....just don't see the goodness in changing my way of thinking to match his......that would be too much of a scary place for me.<P>Again, thank you all for your help!!!<P>Since I posted this thread - I am being given pieces of information about things in my situation and I will probably have a Sheba Episode # coming next week.<P>I'm seeing the counselor Monday and then the Shark Lady Lawyer on Tuesday (brother is coming with me - YAY!!!) so I will update then probably..<P>BIG HUGS TO ALL,<P>Sheba<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited November 05, 1999).]

Sheba Sheba Sheba, <P>I am sooooo disappointed in you (kidding ).<P>How could I ever be upset with you or think less of you?! OK so you don't take my advice. Heck, I don't take my own advice sometimes. You aren't asking for a refund are you? I forget who owes whom the 2 cents.<P>Sheba, I see some very interesting thoughts here by you. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have realized that I am being my own worst enemy right now!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Boy isn't that the truth for ALL of us! We all tend to think the worst about things especially after we have been through the wringer. We have to hold our thoughts captive and it looks like you finally are doing that. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I do not feel used when he contacts me....actually I am glad when he does so!! It gives me confusion at times, that is true - but not pain.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hummmmmm. You're glad when he contacts you because it gives you confusion at times? I am glad the pain is subsiding for you. I actually see you pittying (is that a word?) him. He certainly is lost. He is a fool for taking you for granted. You are growing by leaps and bounds through this ordeal and he is still acting like a child. I think if this keeps up for a long time, your love for him will fade. I hope he wakes up from his self absorbing coma. <P>You have put up with a lot Sheba. I see you took the scissors out of his hands but the thread is still there. I can tell from what you write that you want him to be strong, loving, honest, and caring. You want him to be a man not a boy. That thread can't won't becmome a strong vine until he starts giving back to you. <P>If he could ever dispose of his self absorbing character and just sit and talk to you for an hour or so a day, he would start to see the Sheba that we see. If he did that, I know he would fall head over heals for you. And you deserve to have a man that is head over heals for you, Sheba.<P>We do want the best for you! You give so much to all of us - our cup overfloweth.<P>SHA

Oh SHA -<P>I am so glad that you responded - I did not like thinking that you were disappointed in me.....<P>I am on my way to work now but will write more about what you have said when I get home.<P>Just wanted you to know that you made my day!!!!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Hi SHA -<P>Yeah, takes me a while to remember things these days....sorry that I took so long to reply more to you!!<P>I just wanted to comment on the "H talking to me for an hour a day" that you mentioned.....<P>That is exactly why he won't talk to me about us at all....he knows that I would make to much sense and make him face himself. He's having fun, playing the little macho cop games and in the affair fantasy, but somewhere in there is his conscience and common sense and they don't fit in with his current life.<P>He sure isn't going to let me bring them out........<P>Got a whole bunch of new stuff to make a thread on....you guys are goint to love this!!!! SHEESH!!!!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba