Sorry to hear you are going through tough days...
I heard it here many times, and now I know it is true: it does get better.
You will soon feel better and stronger.
At night, one thing that's been helpful is to light some incense in the bedroom. The sweet smell (that I used to hate) gives me some peace and take my mind out of WH...just an idea...

Three it takes time for a plan to go dark. For your friends to get the message you don't want or need WH bulletins. They do though if you are firm.

I remember having car trouble (something he awlays dealt with) and like you I was resentful of being left alone to deal withthings. Like you I wanted to call DH - but DH didn't exist any more, only WH who would not help, only hurt.

Get through your withdrawal. Cry when you need to cry. The sooner you do your crying the sooner it is done.

The first weeks are the hardest for many reasons. Withdrawal, friends who talk too much, lots of IM activity as you sort out new arrangements.

This is totally normal. Keep going. Soon you will feel stronger and happier.

I understand exactly how you feel. Been right where you are at. Sometimes the void caused in this wake feels like the grand canyon! Realizing and recognizing AND EXPECTING that there will be times of strength and also weakness can help.

Feel your feelings, let them run through your body. Don�t fight them. This is what will allow you to start to heal. Just like mourning a death. Well, in some ways this is actually much more difficult.

Realizing that these emotions do run their course (although it sometimes seems like they will hang on forever) and you will find strength your inner strength.


Awareness is a powerful tool. Steps forward, steps back. Steps forward, steps back. Rollercoaster ride. Emotions changing every few minutes. Deep belly breathing, relaxing my face and entire body helped me get through those tough periods.

Accepting that there are highs and lows and recognizing it as it is actually happening in the moment allows me to get through those tough moments. Unfortunately, you can get all the advice in the world but you have to live it.


I came to the realization that contact with WW = Pain. Like one poster said, if I stick a needle in my eye it hurts.
It will get easier!!

Three(you don't mind us calling you that do you? Thanx Indie), COMPLETELY NORMAL.



(((((THREE)))))

I remember those times. I still have a few moments where I get really very angry with my WH for leaving me to deal with this all while he goes off with no cares and freedom from responsibility. WEll, I then get to a place where I realize, I wouldn't trade him lives for the world. He's wayward, and I get to keep my dignity, honour, every moment with my children.

As Estrela said, it DOES get better.

Your right Scotty, things get rough, but I wouldn't want to be in my WH's shoes! I feel much better about myself

Yes, please call me 3

Everyone, thank you for the supportive posts. Yesterday was H's birthday, hard day in a hard week. I've been coping oh so well, therapy, talking to friends, exercising, started working again, setting routines. I even went to a support group for childhood abuse survivors which I am. That was one of the things I'm doing for my self improvement, staying in touch with that, for our marriage but also for me. Yesterday due to some financial crap my great IM had to send me his actual words about some things. So last night I got home after being out with wonderful friends but way more intoxicated than I intended or ever do�it was an accident, don't worry I'm not drowning my sorrows�but I read the email. I think it was the intoxication but reading his words I could picture them together so vividly, and then all the new love, cultivated closeness for months, and then the excitement, the emotion, soft and full of light, it's love so of course it can't be wrong, me as this brittle past and demanding. How can I compete with that? How could he possibly give up such connection and light? It was a nightmare. I am in a nightmare. I used to love my life here, so full of flexibility and possibility and now... he has in the past hijacked me when I'm in a good place. I don't know wtf to do with myself that is true and fulfilling.

I think about the exposure a lot. Doesn't the humiliation of it FORCE HIM to justify his actions? That he can no longer see me compassionately at all bc with his guilt he now has to seek everything and anything to justify it? Then after all that rationalizing, building walls up, isn't it impossible for him to tear them down and come back? I'm screwed.

This is some rather excellent Plan Bing. I am in awe!



This is not so good. You have to do all that withdrawal work all over again now.

Im going to help you finecomb through this - so we can find the gaps that need plugging up, ok?

1) How did you ever get access to the email? That shouldnt be possible. No access means no break - simples.

2) Why did you need the 'actual words' re a financial issue and how could that be in any way linked to words of his ongoing A?



I am going to indulge this question ONCE - but when it is understood, you have to drop it okay?

You know full well they are doped up to the roof of their skulls on dopamine, and that right now they would enjoy sleeping on dead rats (which they kind of are). The dopamine comes with getting needs met though. As they have no way of sustaining the lovebank deposits long term, they will run out of dope, and glance down with horror at their dead-rat bed. YOU have been meeting the majority of his needs. YOU create the dopamine, but because she met one or two paltry needs, she got the credit because she topped it up. One or two wont be enough soon.

Now - THINKING ABOUT THEM IS NOT PLAN B. But that does take a while to perfect.



No it isnt impossible. When people build walls of excuses and lies, they are always flimsy and are the easiest things in the world to tear down. Now, he may CHOOSE not to. He may choose to spend his whole life lying and hiding and patching up those paper walls whenever they crumble.

If he does, you are better off out of it.

indiegirl, thank you. Ok 3, it's going to be ok, 3 you're ok.

So, it was my understanding from the end of Jan that WH had excellent job prospects but my IM told me that he says he now thinks that he won't be able to secure a job by the beginning of April. This made me suspect bc he has not been spending much money from our checking acct, and I suspected him of cashing checks on his own from freelancing, or hiding his severance check to support his lifestyle with his whore. The vanishing job prospects combined with his spending very little money did not make sense. I feared for our savings that only I have access to bc if there's a divorce that's a big part of my lifeline. If he is hiding income I would have to get my lawyer on it. My IM said that all that matters is that he's looking for a job and that his job search description was fairly lengthy. I had to consider when do I cut off money, I had to think about protecting my own earnings. I can't really cut him off now bc whenever he does get a job 50% of that is mine before anyone files, and I need that income. So I asked my IM not to ask him anything that would alert him to my suspicions, but to give me more information from what he had given her about his job prospects, I assumed in her own words. I said that if my IM didn't want to do that then another way was to ask where the severance check is. I suggested my IM ask the mods here if it was an IMing conflict. So my IM just pasted his email where he talked about jobs, but she also pasted more about insurance and other stuff, all relevant to outstanding questions but I did get to see his actual words. I understood that he was not lying about jobs, just one sentence he used made it make sense to me. My IM didn't really know what I was looking for so she pasted more than I needed. This was a tough question for her to figure out it seemed. There's been a lot of communication going on and I think I might be overwhelming her. I didn't need the actual words, but this was the only way i think she could think to figure out the problem.

There wasn't anything about his ongoing A at all, but just seeing his actual words, hearing his voice in my head and then led to my brain going off and imagining horrible, nightmare things. I shouldn't have read that email intoxicated, I shouldn't have read his words at all probably, but I wasn't in a lucid state.

And thank you for the rest too about how I had been meeting his needs, that the dopamine/oxytocin will wear off, I guess though isn't that what bonds mothers to babies, bonds us all? I guess I need to read more about Plan B. Certainly yes I wouldn't want to be with him living a lie, rationalizing and not being honest. I don't know if he is capable of being honest and remorseful.

OK, to get into more of a Plan B mindset you need more backup I would say.

This situation where your IM is quizzing him about his job search sounds like a messy situation. IM exchanges should be very brief.

All my financial stuff is handled by my lawyer - my WH has to produce proof of his finances as part of the divorce.

I would leave that kind of thing to your lawyer and keep your IMs a spam filter only for short exchanges, such as when the mortgage check will be paid in etc.

Next time you get suspicious, use your lawyer. Don't try to play detective - not even through your IM

There's no use of a lawyer right now bc I don't want him "beating me to the courthouse" as HDW said. The exchanges now, at the beginning have not been brief and I read that that was to be expected at the beginning. There's a lot of job fluctuation going on right now. I don't want to reveal too much to him at this point, there's no divorce yet, so I'm not going to use my lawyer unless I have to. Yes I've mentioned that I'd rather have less going back and forth and I think we'll get there. This situation sucked I guess.

Today is the one month anniversary of him sleeping with OW, of my nightmare.

I'm sorry sweetheart.

Take care of yourself today but tomorrow get advice about protecting your finances

3,
I'm sorry for the pain you're suffering.

Try not to think about the one month thing......keep yourself busy.

The one good thing is that you are young and without children. I know that doesn't help you feel any better, but it gives you the chance to start fresh!

Hang in there!
CT

Hey everyone, just wanted to check in. I've been working FT again so about 50% of my life is getting neglected, leaving me very stressed. My IM resigned last week; I haven't heard from WH since. With my time becoming less and my stress becoming more, this has been fine, good. I'm being really hard on myself, all the great people in my life are telling me to really try and stop that, the expectations I put on myself, and my IM left while we were not on the same page, I miss having that link and strong support, so it's been a lot. A lot of it is exhaustion and not really having the time to take care of myself--exercise has been my best medicine and I haven't had any in a week! Even being here makes me emotional bc of what my life has become--a scramble, stressful, exhausted, unsatisfying. Even unloved? I'll be back on here through at least Monday. Any support you could throw my way? Miss you all tons.

Three, what a warrior you are! Things do not sound that smooth yet you plough on anyway and that shows real stregnth.

Hang in there.

Three is it true you are dating other men while still married?

Hey indiegirl, thanks for being kind, I appreciate it.

**edit**

I am not dating. How many times need I say it? I am not dating. I am not dating. I was not aware it was forbidden in Plan B, so calling it "dating" in a passing comment was odd of me since it was just hanging out with friends. **edit**


I seriously cannot believe this is happening. I'm pretty diligent, careful, and trying to do my very best.
This board has been a lifesaver and now... I don't know... I don't know what's happening or what to do.

it is not easy for me to understand what you were doing in your private life, 364 (is that the number you intended to use for your name?) because your language is not very clear, and your post is somewhat dramatic.

It seems as if, rather than not respecting the need for confidentiality, marital bliss did not want to keep your confidence when you were doing something that people here are strongly opposed to: dating while married. Since you said you were doing that, you should have made this clear on your thread, and also when you asked for a new IM. It is not fair for you to post here for help when while keeping this behaviour quiet.

**edit** You say "I am not dating. How many times need I say it? I am not dating. I am not dating. I was not aware it was forbidden in Plan B, so calling it "dating" in a passing comment was odd of me since it was just hanging out with friends." But if you told marital bliss that you were "dating", what was she to understand from this? There is a common understanding of "dating", and it means going out on a date. How was marital bliss supposed to know that you meant something else by "dating"?

When you "tried to explain that to her, that I heard her, but she was too furious to hear my plea for calm", how did you explain it to her? What words did you use?

You say you are not dating, despite having told marital bliss that you were. Now the picture in very unclear. Please tell us what you mean by "hanging out with friends". Have you been seeing an individual man, or men, for coffee, the movies, a walk...what? Or, when you say "hanging out with friends" (friends plural), do you mean that you only ever went out in a group? Of how many people, of what sexes?

You still haven't told us what happened to concern her. Could you tell us what made her concerned you were dating?

You say you 'took her warning to heart' and 'improved your boundaries' but that does not explain why you did not tell the forum about this issue, whatever it was.

Why hide it?

Posters time helpng others on threads is valuable. If you hide stuff from us we cannot help you and you waste our time.

No matter what happened no one is going to slap a scarlet letter on you and ban you from the boards. You are not going to 'lose the forum'

You may get 2x4s, you may get told to stop. You came here for MB advice and that is what you will get.

Please tell us about the incident in question and don't omit any relevant info so we can give proper advice.

And I fully encourage maritalbliss to chime in here. We need to know what's going on and she did ask you to speak up first.

Hey SugarCane, sorry it's unclear. It's muddied by the IM drama in the other thread. Again, I really don't know what to say. I'm in too much of an emergency mode to be mad at MB right now. This is extremely stressful. This is a lot of anger directed at me, misunderstanding, stress on top of what I'm going through. Is that clear enough? As I said in my post from yesterday


**edit**

I see where you're coming from and I thank you for caring and trying to explain it to me since I need to know, but again, I heard her. Yes I have male friends. But I couldn't date right now, all my feelings are wrapped up in my husband. He meets my emotional needs. I miss my husband so much. I have hung out with my friends more for emotional support, and I know now to put up stronger boundaries even when in a group. Is that clear? Again, I take the IM confidentiality so seriously, and it feels wrong to talk about her, our interactions in a public forum when they were private. I really can't say more.

If you don't want me to post here than I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do. I'm trying very hard to rebuild my life and MB's misunderstanding really cannot take precedence over what is happening with my WH.

This may be my last post today as I am at work, working FT now 9-6... and it's too sad.

Hi indiegirl, I guess I'll have to ask JustUss about divulging information from the IM relationship. I'm very uncomfortable with it. That is a slippery slope and I think that confidence is sacred. And the break was also extremely stressful for me, I don't want to relive it. I don't think all my interactions with my IM should be subject to the board.

It feels like it right now.