Can you afford some sessions with Steve Harley?

What about doing a few weeks of Plan A as you prepare for Plan B?

Have you read when to call it quits?
When to Call it Quits Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Hi BrainHurts, thanks for asking.

I called and got a package of sessions w. Steve Harley today. We start next week.

It was very interesting, filling out the Love Bank Inventory...I was surprised by the questions, but sad I couldn't really say I agreed with any of them I don't daydream about my spouse, for instance.

I am hopeful. At least it's real, solid help. If he can help get my H on board, awesome. Having a little hope goes a long way. And if he can't get my H on board, at least I'll have emotional support through whatever comes next.

I'll post after our first session. In the meantime, I'm trying to keep things light (as close to Plan A as I can get right now). It is sad that I'm still being ignored day and night at home, but we did have dinner tonite and talked pleasantly. But now we're back home and he's downstairs with his book & I'm alone in the bedroom.

Oh well. I can be happy on my own - just would rather have someone to share a life with.

I'm so happy for you that you will be coaching with Steve Harley. Keep us updated.

So if you had a pleasant dinner why didn't you go downstairs with him and continue some UAT together? Ask him to play a board game or play some cards?

We start counseling tomorrow with Steve Harley. I'll keep you posted.

Dr. Harley answered my email to him, and also referred to it on the radio yesterday (4.4.12). He said there's not much hope unless my H becomes a Buyer - he says he's a Renter now.

We'll see what plan Steve comes up with for us. I'll post tomorrow!

UPDATE! We had our first session. My job is to stop trying to be the marriage coach. Love this!

We'll see how the weekend goes. I'll give any updates that arise. So far though, I am hopeful. Steve is very motivational.

I'm a fitness person, so his analogy really makes sense to me. I just have to start by doing the exercises even when it's painful, and just push through to see results.

If anyone has any advice while we do MB Coaching, or insight into the things we might bump into, I would love to hear it.
I am relieved he didn't tell me I have to start meeting his ENs...that would have sent me over the edge.

Thanks, Z.

This is fantastic news. They say Steve is very good.

What did he tell your husband?

I would just keep doing what Steve tells you.

Can you give us more detail on what he means about "stop being a marriage coach?"

Listen to Steve. That's my advice. My H and I worked with him for 6 months, and he is GREAT. Just a little funny for you on how he works: my H complained a LOT about DS; said he needed lots and lots of DS to feel love, down to a chair being in the correct spot at all times. Steve asked him to look into OCD, and had us make a list of chores we each wanted done around the house, and how often to do them. H made a HUGE list, I don't know what he was thinking, but then Steve told us: "Okay, now each of you do the things on your OWN list." bwa-ha-ha, he has a great way of getting people to look at their own negative contributions. My H attempted to complete his list, and could not, because he spent SIX HOURS on the floor ALONE. A floor, I have to say, that was already vacuumed and mopped weekly, at minimum, sometimes more often.

Now we have a roomba. And H is much more relaxed about the house, which is always comfortable for non-OCD individuals.

CWMI - That is awesome! I wish I could figure out the laughing emoticon, I would put it here.

I've heard Dr. Harley say that if DS is the complaint, then the guy is really reaching for something. But I guess everybody is different, huh?

BrainHurts: Steve told us both the same thing, since I talked to my H about it. He told both of us that it's HIS job to be the marriage coach, and we are going to go through "orientation."

My H actually admitted today that "the way Steve explained the POJA, I'm kind of coming around to agree with it." I was so excited, but I just tried to play it cool, like, "really? hm."

He said, "I can choose what I do. I can choose to do stuff that bothers you, or choose not to. You can't make me 'not' do stuff." This is true. We've had that conversation a gazillion times. Somehow it comes better from another guy - or maybe just any third party. What is up with that?

You strike fear in my heart, CWMI - 6 months at $200/hr would send us into bankruptcy! I hope we can get this down quickly and go on vacation with the rest of the money

I will keep y'all updated! So far so good. I guess it's way better to spend your money on something that will change your life for the better - we spent $750 on the whole family swimming with dolphins on vacation two weeks ago - sheesh. At least this spend will benefit us long-term. (OK, Dave Ramsey folks, we saved up for it - but it still hurt to pay it!)

"the guy is really reaching for something"---would you expound on this, or provide a link to the article/broadcast where this was discussed? I am very interested in this, as you can imagine.

The money, imho, is well spent when there is a reluctant and hard-headed spouse involved. If your H gets seriously involved after a few sessions with Steve, I suggest you enroll in the online program where you have a coach for a full year, but are responsible for much of your own work on the program. It will save you money, and you will still have a coach to keep you both accountable.

But getting with Steve was an excellent move. He is fantastic!

CWMI - great idea! Online coaching when we're ready - cheaper and effective when we're both on-board.



I will check into that - I heard him say it on the radio in the past few weeks. I think he said it twice. More later when I dig it out.

I am hopeful for the first time in a long time. We'll see how the weekend goes - it's typically exhausting to be civil when we're around each other all day, but this weekend people will be around, so that might help. You know, the good ole' avoidance strategy!


OK, I'm so excited that I learned how to "quote" something.

OK, so just had session #2 w. Steve this morning. We are level-setting the 'design of marriage' and I got all choked up about it all, just listening to him. Since I've never seen it personally, it's like unicorns to me: beautiful, elusive, mythical.

I want to believe so badly. I hope I'll see one someday. Sounds way better than being on my own - which has certainly had its appeal here lately.

H has his with Steve tomorrow - we'll compare notes then start 'exercising' after that.

More to come in the continuing saga of marital recovery!

So now I have a 'philosophical' question: I picked a Renter to marry, unbeknownst to me! We talked POJA, we talked POUA, we talked PORH, we did the History Questionnaire & read the books together while dating/engaged. My H agreed to it all!

But when time had passed and various issues have arisen, he doesn't agree and we're working to get him on board. I've been told that this is what Renters do.

So my question is: how did I get tricked? And how does anyone discern between a Renter and a Buyer before they get married???

I'd like to ask on the dating forum, but I'm afraid it will look like I'm interested in dating - I am NOT. But it bothers me that I was "tricked." If anyone knows how to help others stay away from Renters, I'd love to know how!

It's painful and expensive trying to convert a Renter to a Buyer, and if I could save someone else the grief, I'd love to do it.

The closest I've found is the book, "How Not to Marry a Jerk." But I'd much rather have the MB version.

Any thoughts????

Wow Zhamila! I'm so glad you are counseling with SH!

I don't know what to add regarding your situation, but just know I'm here cheering you on.

Goooooooo Zhamila!

Hi Anointed! Thanks for the encouragement!

(Big Smile)

Hope today was good for you!

Unless you are planning to pick out a new man anytime soon, you are distracting yourself with those kinds of questions. At this point, you can't go back and re-pick, ya know?

Focus on your tasks at hand, this is no time for existential questions. Quit gazing at your navel and trying to figure out why. Figure out WHAT to DO.

Well, if I'm posting here, you can bet it's cause we aren't getting UA. We had dinner out tonight alone, and wouldn't you know it: We started to have an intimate conversation, and he asked me, "what did Steve say that made you get all choked up?" regarding the design for marriage. I started to answer - it was hard to explain - and he put his hand on his blackberry because he thought that maybe, just MAYBE, there was an emergency call. (and no, he's not an ER doctor on call - this is habit he has chosen to continue)

The whole evening: ruined.

Seriously?!? We just went through this Friday night - same thing, he asked, 'what do you want in our relationship?' as I started to answer, he literally pulled out his phone & started reading email.

Wow.

When will I learn that everything is more important to him than this marriage? (sarcasm)

Why do I even care.

At least you cry, Anointed. I cried months ago. Now I'm just ticked off.

Good call CWMI - I'm not going to re-pick. But it really bugs me that I was duped.

Actually, existential questions help me relax. I get to stop for a few moments and ponder, theorize, and analyze. Some people are wired that way, and I'm one of them. If I ever start a blog, it will be all philosophical conundrums, and NO ONE will read it!

Anyway, I am focusing on what I should DO. My job is to keep my nose clean (no LBs), and to consider putting my H 'first.' Not first as in 'above' but first as in 'ingredients in a bowl while baking.'

Thanks for the reminder.

CWMI - I am still looking for that DS radio clip! I promise I'll find it and send along!

When you are opening up to him and he looks at his phone, have you tried gently saying:

"Sweetheart, when I open up and share with you my deepest emotional thoughts and you look at your phone I feel as if you aren't listening. Should we hold off on this discussion until we can discuss it without distractions?"

Zhamila,

I am so happy you decided to contact Steve! I am rooting for you and your marriage!

I completely understand what you have mentioned about you hubby interrupting you and his possible ADD (tough and major LB for me as well) My H used to do this to me constantly! I would be trying to speak and he would interrupt and cut me off to say things completely unrelated to what I was talking about...mid sentence at that!

It was very upsetting to me and I would try to "gently" request he try not to do that...still continued...then tried less gentle reminders (I know not good on my part) still continued!

I won't go into all the long details on your thread, but I eventually went into withdrawal too....for years! I honestly thought my marriage simply couldn't be "fixed" and figured once we finished raising our children we would simply go our separate ways.

I am happy to say my H and I are out of withdrawal and working on our marriage again! He is really making every effort to be better at conversation, he does occasionally interrupt BUT now with just the gentle reminder he stops and apologizes! The problem has improved so much it's hard to believe! My H has ADD also, but he makes major LB deposits with me just by working so hard not to interrupt me and actually listen.

We discovered a new trick accidentally that also works well for us. If we find that we are not communicating well, as in not hearing each other, misunderstanding, and on the road towards a full out AO, we start texting each other, right in the same house..might sound silly but it has really worked well for us, and HE actually finds it easier to really hear each other this way. We are usually able to resolve a sticky situation quite simply this way.

Also at your next session with Steve why don't you ask him?

I bet he gives you a response close to what Brits_Brat has suggested.