I new in all of this for the first time ever, I have going for an infidelity. I have been with my husband married and together 9 years.

I willing to add a personal email from him and please I need opinions. I really desperate at this point that I am down all the time.

This is how all started:

I am writing you this email because for the first time in my life I am experiencing infidelity. My name is Luna and I will tell you a little of what happen. My husband and I have almost 9 years together and six years married. We have had struggles such as money and normal arguments. However, in 2009 he lost his job as a teacher and he could not find a job, he start combing a little depressed. I tried to help him and we both went to find a job without any success. By the end of 2009 he found a job to teach English in Shanghai, China and he is been there since then. It was difficult to live like this but we had bills to pay and unfortunately, I was demoted to an hourly job too. Which it make it more difficult.

He moved to China and we were fine and talk every day about everything. I did not see anything going on but later. i suspect something like a feeling inside that did not let me sleep. He would come to USA every 4 or 5 months for 2 weeks. Still I did not see his willingness to come and keep looking for a job, eventually we were argue and I was putting pressure on him to come home.

I always trust my husband regardless and everyone was telling marriage does not work far away. I just trust him so much, I was working here overtime, going to school and hoping to move forward. We are also trying to get pregnant. He came home last month. Everything seem to be fine until he says to me that he would like to buy some makeup for her workers. I did not make a big deal but I asked him why you as the boss can buy that is crossing the line between employees. We end up arguing and he said he has conference call and get up early to make Skype call. did not care because he use to do that before. One day I was going to school and I went to tell my husband to hurry up and he was in the bathroom and I saw on the phone. Then he locked the door. I told him to open the door but it was already late. I have the doubt for the first time. We were fighting but he did not say anything he said he loves and he even cried. Somehow I believe inside he was with someone, I start digging and I know i was wrong but I needed to find the true.

Later, my his twin, my brother in law had his Hotmail open and there was a message from a Chinese woman, I thought "I did not know Kris likes Chinese woman," I was going to tease him but when I open the content it was a picture of a woman and email from her saying that she is going with my husband out off town, his ""affair." His brother knew all alone and I asked to tell me the truth. He did not what to say but he say it, that it is right he had a affair and now he has another one for the last six months. I was in such a range that I could not believe it. I was paralyze, shaking and in shock. He lives with me and I just could not believe he hide all of this for me even though he knew how much i want him here. I was upset, crying and all. I was just thinking to leave everything when I confront my husband via Skype he denied he did not believe it. He had to talk to his brother in order to believe I know everything. Then he spoke with me of course Skype not face to face, he did not know what to say and he start feeling down and cried. He did not want to talk, I was worry or a little bit but i did not know what to think. I wanted to know why why? He said he hided from me because he was going to end it anyway because he doesn't have strong feeling for her like he does for me. He loves me but he does not love her.

I did not know what to do and panic, and I did not want to loose him. I got braver and stop crying and try to analyze the situation. Now the family knows everything and they are in shock. I told him I am willing to move on and forget everything if he leaves her but he says it is hard.

I stop crying but it is difficult to move on. I trying to concentrate with work and school but it is very difficult. I constantly checking Skype or emails he would write. I just don't want to loose him. I DON'T. He does not want to come here unless he has a job. There are no job and it is difficult to find one and that's the truth. He said he is coming in the summer but we did not get talk face to face. I was thinking to go there and confront him but I stop myself and ask why should I do that? We start getting better, I almost done with my school and bills getting lower. The only thing we need is to be back together. I do not have a lot of money and I am working as an hourly employee.

This email is from my husband, I really want your opinion, please. I just want to know where do I stand. I love him very much that I am willing to move on. He cares for that woman too and he hurts her too because she did not know he was married. I think to leave him alone, concentrate in my studies and work. I think I may be pregnant too so I just don't want to go thru this alone. I do not have anyone here all my family is in Latin America. I have friends but they all said is going to work.

Email: ===========

Well honey, I know I need to write you and try to explain everything so that is what I will try to do here. The first thing I want to tell you is that I am so sorry about everything. I feel terrible about putting you through any of this, but I will try to explain the reasons why I did what I did, even though I have no excuse.

I guess the first thing to say is that I love you very much, but I cannot say I am really happy. I have always been this way and I don't know why...but it has been a problem I have since I was just a child. I just cannot seem to feel content or satisfied with anything in my life and it has always been like that for me. This is the reason I seem so bitter about everything with my family or why I act so distant sometimes like I am not even in the room. I have always felt like something was missing from my life. I think a lot about this over the years and I think a lot of it is that I have never really been on my own...always with my brother or with you or feeling like I need to take care of someone. Sometimes I feel like I have never achieved as much as I should have because I have never been free to live my life just for me.

When I came to China, I had two motivations. The first is that I needed a job and to make some money...and I wanted to work for "Perkin". I could have come earlier many times just to teach English, but I never was willing to come here until I saw I could work for "Perkin". The second reason is that I just wanted to come see China. I know this bothers you and you hate that I have always been curious about Asia, but I am not going to lie to you about it or hide it from you. I always liked Asia since many years before I met you and I wanted to come and see it for myself. If you remember, I had my chance to join Peace Corps in China all the way back in 2005, but I decided not to go at the last minute because I love you and I didn't want to lose you. I never regretted that decision, but I did feel like I lost my chance to follow one of my dreams to come here. When this chance came around again, I just couldn't pass it by...especially when there was nothing happening for me with jobs in America and I was starting to become depressed.

When I got to China, it was very hard for me. You know, I am here and I feel very old at times because all the people I came over with are about 25 years old. So they would make plans every day to go out at night and do things and never ask me...maybe they thought I didn't know, but I did and it hurt my feelings. I didn't really want to go out with them, but to not even be asked is hard. Also, I am kind of reserved by nature, so to suddenly be put in front of a room full of kids and have to act like a clown was hard. I was feeling really alone, but I never did anything or put myself in any bad situations. For months it was this way...I just would go out with my one friend, Bud, every now and then for dinner and talk. That's all.

One night, Bud asked me if I had ever been to KTV (singing) and I said I had done that one time with my work, but that's it. He said he had a couple of friends that were going one night and he invited me to come. I didn't really want to go, but I went anyway just for something to do. Well, when we got there each of these guys had a girl with them but there was one that was by herself. I started talking to her and she thought I was only 30 years old...I couldn't believe it. She was pretty and young and I felt flattered that she liked me...I never expected that because I am so old and nobody here ever talked to me before that. This led to me seeing her for several months. I could not even really call this a relationship because I only saw her a couple of times a week and most of the time we just argued because we couldn't really understand each other and would get frustrated a lot. I knew it was wrong to see her and I felt bad about it, but I was so lonely and she could help me with a lot of things I didn't know how to do since I was so new to China. Eventually, we got into such a huge fight that she told me she didn't want to see me again and I told her to get the hell out of my life. That was the end of that.

So then I was back to being alone again, but sad because now I didn't even have her to talk to anymore. I spent a lot of time with Bud and just talking, but he was always busy with different girlfriends he had and most all the time I just came to work and then came home with nothing to do.

One night, I met Bud at a restaurant called "The Boxing Cat" and we were just eating when he suddenly waved to some people he knew who came over and joined us for dinner. We were all talking and then one of the women, Clare, said that she was having a party tomorrow night for her husband Sean at the restaurant across the street. She asked if we wanted to come and me and Bud said we would.

The next night I went to this restaurant and there were a lot of people there, but mostly they were just drinking. I was just talking to Bud and not drinking or anything. Clare came over to talk with us a little and said her friend Penny was coming. She said she would introduce Penny to me when she got there, although Bud already knew her from before.

When Penny got there, she and Clare came up to me and Bud and started talking. I had no interest in Penny at all because I didn't think she was that pretty and I was not looking for or expecting anything. Also, Penny was already dating someone and really didn't have any interest in me either...and she even told me that directly since she is so blunt. But we wound up talking for a long time and I thought she was easy to talk to. We made a plan to get together another night to have dinner.

A few nights later we met up for dinner, but it was just going to be a friendship type thing to get to know each other. As it turned out, we talked for 6 hours and I thought she was very interesting. Mostly we talked about Buddhism because she is a Buddhist and I never really knew anything about it. There was nothing at all romantic going on, it was just an intellectual kind of conversation and you know I like to learn new things. We made plans to meet again just to talk and things progressed from there.

Well, this went on for weeks and there was nothing romantic going on because I didn't have those kind of feelings for her...but she started to develop feelings for me. She stopped seeing the guy she was dating and started to only date me. I am not going to say that I didn't like her at all because that is not the truth, but I didn't have any strong feeling...most of my feeling was just platonic, with only a little attraction. I definitely wasn't expecting it to turn into anything else.

After enough time went by, she started to get more serious and think of me like her boyfriend. I should have told her then that I was married, but I just didn't. I didn't want to lose her companionship here and she really helped me with a lot of things and introduced me to a lot of people. She is a very nice woman and never knew anything about my marriage. If she would have known that I know she would never have even talked to me. So it is my fault for letting this go on.

I started to feel pressure a lot because I liked spending time with her, but I knew in my heart it would never go as far as she would like. The main reason is that I always love you and I never feel the strong feeling for her that I do for you. Still, sometimes I would think about my life at home and all the struggles we have and I would wish for something easier. I know that life with her could be so much easier, but I never had strong enough feelings and I never stopped loving you.

After a while we would argue a lot because she could sense that I didn't really care for her like she did for me. She would even complain because I never would tell her I loved her. How could I say this if I didn't feel it? But I admired her at times because even when we would argue it was always calm and rational. She never yelled at me or hung up on me or walked away from me...things that you do a lot that make me crazy. I guess that made it easier for me to not have to change anything and just keep things going like they were.

I told Kris about everything and told him not to say anything. I always planned to leave her one day because I was always planning to come back to America and continue like before. Even if I wasn't going to come back to America and even if I wasn't married already, still I would not continue for much longer with her because it is not fair to her. She is not so young either (almost 34) and she should not waste her time on me unless I am willing to give her what she wants....marriage and a family. I am not willing to do that and even if I was single I would not want that with her. I cannot convince myself to feel things I don't feel naturally...so no matter how great she is on paper, my heart isn't for her.

The thing though that I have learned about myself over the years...and I especially know it now....is that I am not a very good boyfriend or husband. I think there is something wrong with me where I am always searching for something. It is not for sex or women...it is something deeper than that. I have always been dissatisfied and I still am now. I say I am coming back to America and that is true becasue I miss you and I miss the family. But I don't miss feeling the way I did before which is to feel like a failure whose time is running out. I don't know what the answer is for me...even in China I cannot escape the feeling of discontent I have always had. I think sometimes I just want to be left alone for a while so I can figure out what I really want.

I love you honey and I want a child with you. I really do. I can tell you that there is no one else for me like you and I don't think I'm capable of committing to someone else like I have to you. If I was not married to you, I think I would just be on my own. Even Penny gets upset because I tell her all the time that I want a "wolf night" so I can be alone. Maybe this is why I have a picture of a wolf on my phone...I think it suits me.

Anyway, after the phone call incident a few weeks ago, I had to come clean with Penny. She knows all about us now. Her reaction was very simple...she told me that I had until the end of the month (March) to commit to her and let her be a part of my future. If not, then we will not see each other again. I know that is what I have to do, but it is not easy for me to do it because of all the uncertainty I have about the future.

I know that when she is gone from my life here, things in China will be much more difficult than before. Right now she helps me with my Landlord, government issues, even my work sometimes. I think I can do all these things by myself, but will be harder. Also, most of the people I know are friends of hers so this will mean I probably cannot talk to them anymore either because I look so bad right now. All of this is not really the problem for me though. The problem for me is my fear about coming home and what will happen then

I love you and I want us to be happy...but I am really tired of the struggle with bills and pressure from you about everything from intimacy, to babies, to Kris, to your family, the house...everything. I need to have a good job and be productive. I NEED this to keep myself going and I am afraid of not being able to find anything suitable for me when I come back. I know I am getting old and people in America don't like to hire old.

I really am working with some people from HR here to get me something in America and that is what I hope will happen by this summer. But even though I want to come home it is hard to let go here because for the first time in years I feel I am doing a job that I like and I have some peace away from the constant fighting and strife of home.

I know I have treated you unfairly in all of this and I am so sorry for that. I am glad if you can forgive me and I do want to move forward, but I also hope you can change too. I don't mean a short term change...I mean a long term change. I cannot go back to being a pillar for you or Kris or anyone else to lean on all the time. I need some space at times and some peace for myself....maybe that's why I enjoy just going to a quiet place and reading by myself so much. I hope you can understand me in this because nobody ever seems to understand that I am different than most people...I value alone time as much as I value time with you and friends and family.

Anyway love, this is a lot to read and digest I know. I hope you can be patient with me and not pressure me too much. I know it is a lot to ask but it is what I need. I just want to be happy honey...not just happy with the good times we have together, but happy with myself and the direction my life is taking too.

I love you honey...we'll talk more later

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I shared this because I am trying to understand my husband but at the same time know what he really wants. At this point he is still talking to her and it drives me crazy. He said he is going to leave her but I am not sure. I am willing to have this baby and just move on but I do not want to leave this child without a father.

I really need someone to listen and advice me so badly...

Luna

Ps. I wrote fictitious companies and names.

Hi Luna, welcome to MB.

If you haven't already, go through and read the basic articles on infidelity. I can link them if you don't know where to find them. Learn about Plan A, Plan B, and exposure. The order you will need to do them is to Plan A and expose now, and in about 3 weeks be ready to go to Plan B. (Dr. Harley recommends 3-6 weeks of Plan A for women, but since you're pregnant you should definitely keep to the shorter end of that timeline. Your baby needs you to be healthy, and too long of a Plan A will put a huge drain on you.)

Your WH's (Wayward Husband) whole letter is just garbage. He's trying to justify himself, and doesn't want to feel guilty for the wrong things he's doing. Don't try to understand it, since nothing he says right now will make sense.

As soon as you're familiar with the basic concepts, start reading stories of people who have been posting here for a while. You'll quickly see that waywards all talk and act the same, no matter which country they're from, rich or poor, it doesn't matter. The good news is that since infidelity is so predictable, the plan you will make here to fight it will be a good one no matter where you're from.

You're going to get through this. Your chances of saving your marriage are good, but even if you don't, you're going to be ok. This forum is the very best place to be in your circumstance.

Also, I'm a bit confused. 2010bigdecision, Luna, and Liz Eclipse are all your names? Which is your username that you're currently using? Thanks!

You have a good shot of busting up the As, these women are clearly very inadequate people and they are probably easy to run off.

Do you have their identities? You need to know who they are so you can expose them as marriage wreckers to their friends and families.

In your exposure of the current OW make it clear she is pressurising your H to leave you.

You also need to expose WH as a two-time adulterer to your friends and family. Ask everyone to urge him to work on the marriage and end his adultery with this woman.

I am so sorry you are here and are enduring this callous treatment.

Take care of you and your baby. Eat, sleep and rest. Keep your Plan A short.

Are you still here, Luna?